If Wife Aborts Baby Against Husband's Wishes

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Mister_Friscus

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Here’s the cliffs notes of my current issue:

We found out there’s higher risk of possibility of our baby having Down’s Syndrome

She doesn’t want that life, and wants to “save” the child from a sad existence. I understand life will be completely different, but that life is still just a precious.

We have come to an impasse. She said that if I “make” her have the baby, she’ll resent me. If she were to abort the baby, I would resent her.

I don’t understand where I would go from there. If this occurs, can I fight for my child’s rights? I know courts nearly always side with the woman. Am I supposed to continue my marriage to someone who murdered my child? What does catholicism say about this?
 
Church teaching holds that abortion is intrinsically evil, and as such is never justified. The same can be said for many other things such as rape, torture, euthanasia, and kidnapping

Regarding abortion, the catechism states “Since the first century the Church has affirmed the moral evil of every procured abortion . This teaching has not changed and remains unchangeable.

Look into info on Down syndrome children—they are universally loved as they are guileless, innocent and happy people. There are some medical issues, but parents of those children often say they wouldn’t change them despite their problems.
 
I don’t think Catholicism has a hard and fast answer for this situation. If it were me I’d put as much pressure on to keep the baby as possible. I wouldn’t care about her resenting you if that saves the child’s life.

Personally I don’t think I could go on living in the same house as a person who aborted my son/daughter and if you feel the same about it I would make that clear. Certainly if she went ahead against your wishes that would be grounds for separation in the Church. In terms of your marriage, if you didn’t know when you married that she had these views it’s possible you could apply for an annulment.

I’m sorry you are in this situation and I will pray for you.
 
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Your wife may resent you if she has the baby, but the child will live. If she leaves you and the child, you will have saved a child’s life. She may in fact have her resentment fade over time once she falls in love with her special child. Don’t give up hope. God doesn’t make mistakes.
 
Irishmom2 said:
She may in fact have her resentment fade over time once she falls in love with her special child. Don’t give up hope. God doesn’t make mistakes.
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These are thoughts I had upon seeing this previously.

I’d say it’s worth it to fight for the baby, even if your wife resents you right now @Mister_Friscus as only one thing is known, which is how you will feel from this. Her feelings may change over time.
The overwhelming majority of people with DS are happy with their lives, like how they look, and like who they are (Table II). The degree of happiness was inversely related to the number of parents/step-parents involved in their lives—that is, those persons with DS who had more step-parents were less likely to be absolute in their affirmation of happiness. Religion also played a minor role ( Happiness = 1.1 + 0.1 Number of parents − 0.2 Catholic, Multiple religions , or Other religion + 0.2 Protestant or Mormon ( R 2 = 0.05, F [0.05;3;266] = 4.9, p < 0.01)).
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Thank you for your reply. I’m aware of the church’s teachings, and I have a long history of working in the special needs community. I’m more concerned with my personal relationship with my wife, and what this all means.
 
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You touch on largely what I’m just uncertain about.
  1. If our child has Down’s, and she did the procedure… with me being clear from the get-go that I would never support or be okay with it, I’m clueless on my “options”. I mean, I married her. Our flesh and souls were fused. I thought it was one and done in Catholicism, and proudly wear those clothes. She may go marry again, that’s fine. But I will never divorce and will never remarry, which is the church’s teaching, correct?
  2. If our Baby has Downs, doesn’t do the procedure, and resents me. I can live with that and just lay down if she wants to be a part of the family or not.
  3. If our baby doesn’t have Downs, this simply exposes such a gigantic moral flaw in my eyes. It disgusts me, and I’m supposed to support this by trying to pretend nothing happened?
 
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I wouldn’t want to, but then again, my vows are quite all encompassing. I’m just unsure what takes precedence. People are unfaithful to their spouses and yet don’t always get divorced in society, and especially in the Catholic church. I would view this as a betrayal and horrible crime…

I can take on the role of a “widow”, as far as being separated and never dating or marrying again… refocusing myself.

Plus, this glaring moral flaw is just so… repulsive. Even if all turns out well, I’m forever scarred, and yet, I’m supposed to love and support her, knowing what she’s capable of.
 
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I get giving the ultimatum, but I’m not allowed to divorce, correct?
 
Mister_Friscus said:
I get giving the ultimatum, but I’m not allowed to divorce, correct?
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Not necessarily. Civil divorce is allowed in certain circumstances but you can’t remarry as you would still be considered married by the Church.
Mister_Friscus said:
If our child has Down’s, and she did the procedure… with me being clear from the get-go that I would never support or be okay with it, I’m clueless on my “options”
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You can separate without “ending the marriage”. The Church allows for this.
Mister_Friscus said:
If our baby doesn’t have Downs, this simply exposes such a gigantic moral flaw in my eyes. It disgusts me, and I’m supposed to support this by trying to pretend nothing happened?
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I don’t think you have to pretend nothing happened. I mean if it was me and my wife suggested this I’d be sleeping in a separate bed and not really interested in speaking to her. Surely she knew your views on abortion before marriage? The way I see it she has caused any rift in the relationship and it’s on her to repair it if she wishes to.

I would seek out a trusted priest perhaps to discuss this in more detail than is possible here and help you think it through.
 
Mister_Friscus said:
We have come to an impasse. She said that if I “make” her have the baby, she’ll resent me. If she were to abort the baby, I would resent her.
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I am very sorry that this is happening to you. It’s hearbreaking.

Please encourage your wife to talk to people who have down’s syndrome children, and also a “higher possibility” doesn’t mean actual down’s syndrome. In fact, there are many stories of women who are told their child will have this or that, only to have a completely healthy child. This happened to one of my friends, her doctor pressured her to abort b/c of down’s and her child did NOT have down’s.
Mister_Friscus said:
I don’t understand where I would go from there.
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You choose life. That’s how it has to be.
Mister_Friscus said:
. If this occurs, can I fight for my child’s rights?
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Unlikely. A father does not have rights in an abortion decision. Consult an attorney. Custody is another matter. You could also receive counseling from Catholic Charities on placing the child for adoption if you don’t think you can parent.
Mister_Friscus said:
Am I supposed to continue my marriage to someone who murdered my child?
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That would be difficult.
Mister_Friscus said:
What does catholicism say about this?
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We should forgive if we can. Of course, it may be something you can’t get past and if that happens I am SO sorry.

Focus now on helping your wife in practical ways such as joining a support group and talking with catholic charities.
 
1ke said:
In fact, there are many stories of women who are told their child will have this or that, only to have a completely healthy child. This happened to one of my friends, her doctor pressured her to abort b/c of down’s and her child did NOT have down’s.
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There is a family friend who went through the same thing. She was told over and over that she should abort by doctors and friends because her child was highly likely to be born with Down’s Syndrome. She refused and had a healthy baby girl. I think that’s one of the few times I’ve heard of her going off on people when they’d congratulate her on a “healthy baby girl”.

“I know right, if I’d listened to you she’d be dead.”

It was both uncomfortable (because I’m highly adverse to conflict) and internally I was cheering “You tell 'em” when I was there for it.
 
When I was having my last child, they wanted me to go for testing. I told them why would I do that? It’s not like I am going to do anything if I found out something was wrong. The doctor agreed, and said yes, if you are not going to do anything, there is no point in testing.

My son was fine.
 
You know, I did have a test even though we weren’t going to kill the kid for having an aneuploidy; I figured that it would be good to know beforehand because a) some children with trisomies have heart or other physical problems that should be fixed as soon as possible (it’s sometimes possible to do in-utero surgery) and b) it would be great to have some time before delivery to look up support groups, what to expect, etc instead of having to deal with this stuff with a newborn. Screening tests are no risk to the baby, and they’re pretty good these days (NB, OP: THERE ARE MORE FALSE POSITIVES THAN FALSE NEGATIVES BECAUSE THEY ARE SCREENING TESTS), so we felt it would be a good move. Just my perspective.
 
Honestly, I’ve always wanted a Down syndrome child. We have seven kids, a house of love, understanding, patience. If anyone were equipped to care for and love a downs child it would be us.
 
It almost sounds as if your wife has put the decision in your hands. If she were truly convinced that it was OK to abort this Child, my guess is that she would have had the abortion by now.

My advice? Do not even think about having this awful procedure! I’m guessing that your wife will grow to love the Child, and maybe even thank you for stopping her.

While not government supported in most states, abortions, sadly, are pretty easy to obtain. Stick to what your heart is telling you. Even if your wife does resent you, you will have the comfort of knowing you did the right thing, in the eyes of God.

So, stick to your guns, and, if your wife resents you, she resents you. I’m guessing that God will provide consolation…at the very least, assuring you that you did the right thing!

So to you, your coming Child, and your most likely confused wife-God_Bless! Hoping your wife comes around to your way of thinking. And, even if she doesn’t, keep in mind…you chose life for your Child, which is always the right thing. May the Lord send you and your Child assurance…and many, many blessings! Praying that your wife comes around to your way of thinking!
 
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