*I just noticed this post…Why is he calling you lazy? I don’t like that.
*I agree. *
I don’t see why you are being so down on yourself. Everyone would agree that it’s not right for him to put everything on you.
haha My son always ‘‘forgets’’ and has to be asked over and over. 
*I actually do use “I statements” when telling him what upsets me, but that gets twisted into an argument because I took a class in college on family communication. So no matter how I try to present an issue, I must have an underlying motive. Nothing I say can be accepted at face value. The bottom line is I can’t win. I know I can’t change him (stopped trying to do that after our first year of marriage), so I have made changes and either they go unrecognized or I’m accused of doing it to make him look bad or what have you. I feel like I’m reaching a point where all I want to do is just shut down and I’m sure nothing good would result from that. When I try to broach a subject he doesn’t want to discuss he essentially puts up a wall and makes himself unavailable. The past eleven months to varying degrees have been spent like this. When talking to him didn’t work, I wrote him a letter which took me hours to write in order to properly tell him how I was feeling without putting him on the offensive. He read it, after a day on the golf course, came and found me and talked to me for 5 minutes and then acted like all the problems were solved. (They weren’t)*I just noticed this post…Why is he calling you lazy? I don’t like that.
It’s hard to say why he is resorting to that, except some people when angry and in ‘‘fight mode’’ don’t always fight ‘‘fair.’’ My dh and I have a ‘‘rule,’’ no hitting below the belt with comments! We stick to the issues (try to lol) and use words like…’‘I feel this way when bla bla happens.’’ Instead of ‘‘You did this and it made me angry…’’
I hope things get better.*
I’m a SAHM too. I wonder if some of the “trashy” arguments relate to what you and your husband perceive as areas of responsibility and division of labor.
We don’t argue about it much anymore since our children are older. Now I nag the kids.
Some people may resent to garbage can or the cat’s litterbox to be in their name.*Maybe there is something about males taking the garbage out, in general.
I suppose, but I’m not sure, that men react better to schedules and work divisions they had a hand in designing (there’s a reason why settlements have a better rating of obedience than normal court rulings - people will abide more readily if they had a part in the decision-making). The timing can be important too (e.g. I’ve been known to react ill to out-of-the-blue requests about changing a spatial arrangement or to being reminded in advance about washing up precisely when trying to enjoy my just-made meal etc.). In a normal situation it’s possible to seat a person at a table and lay down some law together (using value *creating *methods, not value claiming - it’s not a zero sum game), but this may be very difficult with a passive-agressive player. Remarks like, “I don’t ask you to do my job for me,” or insulting the mother are totally unacceptable and they are probably a scare tactic, which some people use as a defence. Needless to say, that is totally irresponsible, but it may be caused by stress at work and great tiredness, especially in a person who is not normally utterly selfish (when I have a stream of 12-14 hour days of constant mental work I really don’t appreciate being asked to do things for people - at that stage I would prefer to share with them the money I earned instead). We can’t really tell from the limited information if the man is normally selfish or not.
Conversely, arguments calling on physical strength or technical aptitude have a bigger chance of working out than almost any other form of argument. Sometimes it might be possible to give a man a more tiring or troubling thing to do if it makes him feel more important than the other task he hates.My son would adore you.Some people may resent to garbage can or the cat’s litterbox to be in their name.
Note that men, as vain creatures, may be more easily coaxed into emergency works than routine ones, or anything that justifies employing a strong male arm or a practical male mind etc. etc.
All this 'splainin…you could have emptied ten garbage cans by now. hee hee. 
Gotta love your reasoning skills chev…you will make a valuable lawyer someday. 
*I’m so sorry. This sounds, the more you elaborate…more along the lines of a deeper issue that your husband has (than mere forgetfulness when it comes to chores, etc) I have known couples where the wife or husband ‘‘can’t win.’’ I’m sorry, I would hope he would at least consider counseling…you can’t live a life of walking on egg shells? It seems that is almost what is happening.
If counseling would help, I recommend that…it’s not fair that you are putting in so much effort, and he doesn’t seem willing to work on things that upset you. (I say ‘‘seems’’ because of course, not knowing you both, it’s hard to give a conclusive answer)
Oh great! I’m glad things look to be resolving. It all starts with that first talk…always the hardest, but well worth it. I was hoping that you both would have a good talk. Thanks for updating us, and may things continue on the upside.My husband and I talked about the trash issue when he got home from work. Clearly, my call this morning was seen as nagging. He was sitting in traffic due to an accident while I was calling him to complain about a trash can that was in another state. So I see his point that calling him to freak out about the trash can served no purpose other than getting him upset and me venting my frustration. I’ve been calling him and ranting like this at least a few times a month for years, so I’m sure that’s not much fun to be on the receiving end of. I think going forward I’m going to try to calm down and look at the situation differently before I pick up the phone to freak out on him. Apparently my tone as soon as I said hello to him tipped him off that it was going to be another ranting phone call from me.
I did explain to him that I take it personally when he forgets the take out the trash. I don’t know why, but I feel like he’s telling me he doesn’t value me or my feelings when he fails to do something I asked. We also talked about how his comments about my parents tossed into our disagreements upsets me.
We managed to rationally discuss a few of the incredibly small issues that I tend to dwell on and how they make me feel. So here’s hoping things will get better.
Thanks to everyone who gave advice. Some of you helped me to see the situation from his side, and I think that was very important. When I feel hurt or wronged I generally start to think of only myself and that’s probably not the best way to approach situations in a marriage.
This is very, very, VERY true. My husband has even TOLD me to ask him to do things that make him more of a man to do. The litterbox, the trash, and opening lids screwed on too tight (usually by him!) are all his jobs. Including the outdoors stuff like mowing lawns, or chopping wood and making fires in the winter (we’re on woodstove heat). Anyway, he has told me that if he’s tired and stressed but I really need help and he’s not budging to play the girl card. You know: “Honey…hugs and snuggles can you light a fire please? It’s just sooo cold and I can’t get warm!” or “Can you get the trash for me? It’s too heavy for me to lift and I know you’re strong enough to do it.” If you stroke a man’s ego to think that whatever it is you need him to do is something only HE can do to care for his woman in a way that NO OTHER man can…well at least for my husband…he’ll drop whatever he’s doing in a moment to do that thing and recieve a warm hug in thanks. (he’s reading over my shoulder and giving me the thumbs up right now! LOL!!)Note that men, as vain creatures, may be more easily coaxed into emergency works than routine ones, or anything that justifies employing a strong male arm or a practical male mind etc. etc.
I was so happy to do it then. So, when I’m doing chores I feel unjustly thrust upon me, I try to remember to do it for Jesus.I know exactly what you mean. I spent the entire day brooding over the stupid trash that I had to empty this morning. I wish that I had just gone on with the rest of my day. I could have gone out and done something with my kids, but instead I chose to be angry. My husband and I had a good laugh over how I let having to empty a trash can (which I did twice after I filled it up again by the afternoon) this morning keep me from enjoying my day. In hindsight, I realize now that I wasted a day that could have been spent doing something fun, like taking my kids to Chuck E Cheese to use the gift card they were given.
Great job! You sound like you handled this with a very clear-headed approach!My husband and I talked about the trash issue when he got home from work. Clearly, my call this morning was seen as nagging. He was sitting in traffic due to an accident while I was calling him to complain about a trash can that was in another state. So I see his point that calling him to freak out about the trash can served no purpose other than getting him upset and me venting my frustration. I’ve been calling him and ranting like this at least a few times a month for years, so I’m sure that’s not much fun to be on the receiving end of. I think going forward I’m going to try to calm down and look at the situation differently before I pick up the phone to freak out on him. Apparently my tone as soon as I said hello to him tipped him off that it was going to be another ranting phone call from me.
I did explain to him that I take it personally when he forgets the take out the trash. I don’t know why, but I feel like he’s telling me he doesn’t value me or my feelings when he fails to do something I asked. We also talked about how his comments about my parents tossed into our disagreements upsets me.
We managed to rationally discuss a few of the incredibly small issues that I tend to dwell on and how they make me feel. So here’s hoping things will get better.
Thanks to everyone who gave advice. Some of you helped me to see the situation from his side, and I think that was very important. When I feel hurt or wronged I generally start to think of only myself and that’s probably not the best way to approach situations in a marriage.