If you think your spouse is spending too much money

[MooCowSteph]

Karin:

As a married couple in most states they look at both credit histories when applying for any type of credit. They did this to my DH and I when I bought a house…he had nothing to do with the house (payments, my name only on deed etc.) but they still looked at both of our credit histories.

Unless you have credit problems, most states will not require both credit histories when you’re not co-signing, and if you have credit problems, you’ll probably need a co-signer. If someone isn’t on a loan, there isn’t a need to see their credit. No one has ever asked for my husband’s credit history.

Once again it does not matter whose name the bill is in…as long as you are married it effects BOTH of your credit histories.
This is not going to help the issue in the long run, just cause more problems.

That’s not true, at least not in any experience I’ve ever had or read about. When a credit card is in one person’s name, the credit card company cannot report a debt to an additional person just because they are married. My husband and I have two seperate credit files. Nothing on his report is reflected on my report and vise versa. The only way it would be reported is if you’ve added your spouse as a user, co-signed a loan, etc.

But maybe New Jersey does things a lot differently than most other states??

 

[aterrell]

MooCowSteph:

Unless you have credit problems, most states will not require both credit histories when you’re not co-signing, and if you have credit problems, you’ll probably need a co-signer. If someone isn’t on a loan, there isn’t a need to see their credit. No one has ever asked for my husband’s credit history.

That’s not true, at least not in any experience I’ve ever had or read about. When a credit card is in one person’s name, the credit card company cannot report a debt to an additional person just because they are married. My husband and I have two seperate credit files. Nothing on his report is reflected on my report and vise versa. The only way it would be reported is if you’ve added your spouse as a user, co-signed a loan, etc.

But maybe New Jersey does things a lot differently than most other states??

Nope, you are right. Credit laws are federal and don’t vary state to state. Each person’s credit file is seperate, and it is illegal to pull someone’s credit without their consent. If something is reporting on your credit bureau that is your husband’s… you need to file a dispute.

 

[LSK]

There is a program done at my parish - the name of it is Crown Ministries. From what I understand it is Biblically Based and is designed to help people get out of debt and address spending problems.

I have never attended the program and so cannot speak to it from personal experience. The two friends I have who went through it speak highly of the program. One of them had a husband who sounds like your husband. She had to strip him of access to all the accounts and put him on a cash allowance - so much every week. She did it out of love, not out of vengence or out of a need for control. She told him they were going to be growing old together, and she wanted them to grow old together in a home and not in a homeless shelter. He was angry and resentful at first but apparently grew to understand why she took total control of the finances.

I had to face my out of control spending through the traditions of my 12 step program…the 7th tradition says “we are self supporting through our own contributions”.

I am confused, however, as to how you would think that you spending your way and your husband spending his way could possibly be considered an ok thing. Two people being irresponsible can hardly be viewed as a grown up marriage. The fact that you ‘feel’ better doesn’t mean you ‘are’ better.

It’s just a thought. You are old enough to be married - hopefully you are old enough to take care of your finances in a responsible, Christ-centered manner.

 

[YinYangMom]

It’s a communication problem.

You ‘fight’ about it.
You tit-for-tat with the expenses which stops the fighting but doesn’t solve the problem.

This is so common and while easy to resolve is probably the hardest thing to do.

We couples get into routine modes of communication where a certain word, phrase or look triggers an automatic response, which triggers the automatic counter-response and voila it’s that same ol’ argument which we already know what the outcome will be - dropping the subject and going to separate corners until the bills come in again.

Perhaps you can sit down with your spouse and approach it from a communications angle. Let him know that while the spending patterns are what usually trigger this conversation, this time you want to bypass the money ‘symptoms’ and focus on the communication styles you two have established. The way you go about discussing ‘touchy’ issues is non-productive. I’m sure you can come up with other topics which end up the same way as the money ones.

You have to be the first to acknowledge that the way you go about raising the subject is ineffective because it triggers that automatic response from him and this time you do not want to go there. Tell him fighting about this isn’t solving the problem and it’s hurting your marriage so remind him you need his help, here, ask him, how can I bring the spending money topic up in such a way that we both don’t go with our ‘usual’ approach?

If you have your bank and credit card statements for the past three months in front of you, this is where you lay it on the table and say, “Finances are not balanced.” I’m not pointing any fingers this time as if I know why, because I’ve come to recognize that I don’t. I honestly don’t. But it’s right here in black, white and red. Help me figure out what’s going wrong because if we keep this up we’ll be in big trouble and they’ve just changed the bankruptcy laws so that will not be an option.

This is where it gets interesting because the first step will be to get him to look at the numbers and acknowledge they aren’t good and to continue in that direction will be dangerous. Until he gets to that point there’s nothing else to talk about because you say he doesn’t admit there’s a problem.

He will probably fall back on his accusations that you are doing one thing or another to make matters worse…deflect those comments. Those are your trigger buttons and you have to disconnect yourself from them for this conversation. Remain focused on the main objective: To get him to read the numbers himself and reach the conclusion something is wrong.

Do not get sidetracked, do not yell, do not walk away. Remain calm and almost needy in tone, demeanor, body language. You are appealing to the ‘master of the house knight in shining armor’ side of his ego. Boost him up reminding him how much you love him, look to him, rely on him, appreciate his insight, etc. especially when he tosses the usual barbs your way…it’ll be proof that you are coming to this differently this time and that may encourage him to listen.

The real key here is sincerity. Before you approach this subject again you do need to make a mental adjustment yourself. You do need to remind yourself of how much you love this man, rely on him, need him, appreciate him…see him as the solution to the problem not the cause. It makes all the difference in the world when you sit down to talk again. Pray about it.

 

[Karin]

MooCowSteph:

Unless you have credit problems, most states will not require both credit histories when you’re not co-signing, and if you have credit problems, you’ll probably need a co-signer. If someone isn’t on a loan, there isn’t a need to see their credit. No one has ever asked for my husband’s credit history.

That’s not true, at least not in any experience I’ve ever had or read about. When a credit card is in one person’s name, the credit card company cannot report a debt to an additional person just because they are married. My husband and I have two seperate credit files. Nothing on his report is reflected on my report and vise versa. The only way it would be reported is if you’ve added your spouse as a user, co-signed a loan, etc.

But maybe New Jersey does things a lot differently than most other states??

Not just in Jersey…
If you decide to maintain separate credit, the general rule is that spouses are not responsible for each other’s debt if the debt is incurred by one spouse alone (not jointly). However, there are exceptions. Many states will hold both spouses responsible for debt that is incurred by one spouse if the debt constituted a family expense (e.g. child care, groceries). In addition, community property states will hold one spouse responsible for the other’s debt if both spouses have rights to the property that underlies the debt.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

Karin:

As a married couple in most states they look at both credit histories when applying for any type of credit. They did this to my DH and I when I bought a house…he had nothing to do with the house (payments, my name only on deed etc.) but they still looked at both of our credit histories.

Nope, not true. When you and dh bought that house - you were buying it in BOTH your names. If you wanted to only use your credit, you dh just wouldn’t be on the title.

Once again it does not matter whose name the bill is in…as long as you are married it effects BOTH of your credit histories.
This is not going to help the issue in the long run, just cause more problems.

**Again, not true. If my dh were to apply for let’s say a Taget credit card and forge my name on the application because he knew his credit wasn’t good enough to get it otherwise and that I wouldn’t okay the debt - that’s fraud and I could even send him to jail for it. **

We are 2 people with seperate credit files. Now, as a married couple we obviously have some joint accounts too, which would be reported to both our credit files. My dh had a credit card years ago, but I didn’t have it. It’s not on my credit report.

My point was that the spouse needs to take control of his own finanical consequences. It isn’t right, nor very mature, to go on a spending spree then hand the bills to the other spouse to suffer through the stress alone while he puts his head in the sand. If he doesn’t want to help with the household finances as a whole, that’s a shame - but he should at least clean up his own mess.

 

[Karin]

Rob's Wife:
see my post above yours…
*****and nope the house is MINE happy to say.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

Karin:

Not just in Jersey…
If you decide to maintain separate credit, the general rule is that spouses are not responsible for each other’s debt if the debt is incurred by one spouse alone (not jointly). However, there are exceptions. Many states will hold both spouses responsible for debt that is incurred by one spouse if the debt constituted a family expense (e.g. child care, groceries). In addition, community property states will hold one spouse responsible for the other’s debt if both spouses have rights to the property that underlies the debt.

I’m switching my favorite color so there’s no confusion.

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The creditor would have to go to court to get the above exceptions to force a spouse to pay a debt in their spouse’s name in either of the above exceptions - it’s not automatic.

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In the first, let’s say the OP’s spouse went out and got a credit card without the OP’s name. But the OP was later added as a user to the account and there are transactions under the OP’s signature. The creditor would say that regardless of who opened the account, obviously they both ran up the debt and both should be held to paying it.

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For the second exception, this usually means property that is commonly held jointly. The house they both live in, the cars they both drive, the utilities they both use - although any or all of those may be in one spouse’s name they are both usually held accountable. In this case, it is actually a law made to offer some protection to the spouse. For example, the one that stays home with the kids still has a chance to keep their home and car in cases of divorce.