If Your Spouse Gave You A Gift You Didn't Like

[Ophelia23]

We’ve done marriage counseling, but he’s very charming in public. Our first therapist (who had just finished going through a divorce) took his side completely and told me I just needed to indulge him until he felt like throwing me a bone (which would be never, I’ve been there, done that). The second one was a bit better, but not great. DH put on a “good face” for him, too. I am in individual counseling now. I first suspected that my husband was a narcissist about a year ago - when I was pregnant with our second, had HG, ended up in urgent care, and he kept texting me while I was being treated that he had a big important meeting he was missing so I needed to hurry up. Before that I had thought maybe he was on the autism spectrum but high functioning…he’s always had problems knowing social cues, but he’s also well liked in casual circles, so that part didn’t seem to fit. He’s definitely not as bad as it can get, which is why to this point I’ve stayed (plus I’m financially dependent on him with two young children.)

It has gotten better. I pray hard for him and for our marriage and am doing everything that I can to improve our (and my) financial situation in case he leaves, since I know narcissists are prone to do that. His image as the good family man is important to him, and has worked to my advantage before, so I’m not worried about him leaving unless a major crisis were to come along (if I had a debilitating illness, for instance.) I’m building a strong support network for myself (which he approves of, because then I don’t chatter his ear off about things he doesn’t care about.) I asked this question about the gift primarily because I have no idea how this works in other marriages. I am not sure at all if he would even notice if I put it away. He forgets anything that isn’t of primary concern to him.

When I do point out glaring inconsistencies, he will go along with a fairer solution, but he drags his feet, whines and complains, and then returns over and over again to it as an example of “how much he sacrifices.” So sometimes that’s more annoying than just putting up with the inconsistency.

(By the way, if you’re wondering why on earth I married him…at the time of our marriage I had absolutely zero insight into any of this. I was a perfect target for a narcissist - I was desperate to please, he was incredibly charming, and he had the kind of family I had always wanted growing up. And I could have picked a worse one. As I said, he wants to play the part of the good Catholic family man, not, say, the sports car driving babe picking up guy. If he was that guy, I’d be out of here yesterday.)

My husband sounds very much like yours. A major difference that I see, however, is that I genuinely believe my husband’s intentions to be good even though he has a heck of a time trying to see past himself. I’ll never forget when I was pregnant and had a confirmed case of H1N1. We were at the hospital and it was getting late. He kept complaining of how tired he was, of how late it was getting, of how he wasn’t feeling well, so eventually I said “Listen, do you want this bed? You take it. Get some rest.” I was being sarcastic (which was unfair of me) but he accepted and laid down. That was a wake up call for me. I have found through trial and error that I can not expect my husband to inherently know my needs, because he simply doesn’t even think of it. I have not given up hope, because I know we have a lifetime together and that he will continue to learn. And my husband is a genuinely good man with a good heart who tries, but often fails, to be that loving available husband a woman needs. Gifts are usually pretty terrible, to be honest. Jewelry that is the farthest thing from my style or taste, books that he wanted to read for himself, things like that. Last Valentine’s day, he gifted me a crossword puzzle from Walgreens still in the bag. But he really means well, and I always know that.

From your posts, it sounds almost as though your husband does not have good intentions. He “puts on a good face” and fools others. It sounds like he takes things to a whole new level of yuck. I get frustrated with my husband because he doesn’t think of me–he just doesn’t think of my needs or feelings–but when it is brought to his attention he gets disappointed in himself and tries harder. For your situation, does your husband ever acknowledge when he fell short of your needs? When you lovingly and gently bring it to his attention, how does he respond?

 

[Ophelia23]

Yeah, I didn’t really intend for this thread to be so much about our issues as this particular gift thing, but maybe it was inevitable. And I’m really appreciating the other insights. I forget sometimes that my reality is not everyone else’s.

I suppose we have drifted away from the gift question… My personal advice is, I would leave it out for a while and then make a point of putting it out for a limited time every year. Maybe for the month of your anniversary you could have it out as a reminder of his love for you and your love for him.

I have a pair of earrings my husband gifted to me. It was the sweetest gift, because he really put a lot of thought into them. (It seems that consideration is a challenge sometimes for my husband. ) I would never tell him that I think they are the ugliest earrings ever, but I also won’t wear them every day!! But I do wear them for special occasions between the two of us. If we’re going out for a date eek: That doesn’t happen often!!) I will wear them. I also wear them for Christmas. I don’t care for the earrings, but I love that he loved them enough to give them to me.

 

[m_crane]

Well I can tell you what I would do. My husband isn’t narcissistic but he was raised by a very miserly mother and gift giving was hard for him. At first I had to love every generous gift he gave me but he had very gaudy taste. One time he bought me n expensive large gaudy heart that looked like sometime my grandmother might wear. I don’t usually wear jewelry, maybe a string of pearls for a very formal occasion but that’s it. He was upset and I was upset but we got over it.

Now we do what he calls “pointing”

When we shop, if I point to something and say how much I like it, he asks me if I’m" pointing", which means would I like it for a gift and I tell him yes or no. If yes, he makes arrangements to purchase it. Most of the time I am truly surprised because by the time the occasion for gift giving comes , I’ve already forgotten I pointed.

When buying him something, he has standard things he likes. I usually buy them. If I have a new idea, I ask he if he would like it before I buy.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

In my marriage, I could tell my husband I thought item X was the ugliest thing ever and he would laugh with me. Now, not right away! But within an few days or even a few hours. He has very nice taste though and I can’t think of a gift he has given me that I didn’t like (not everyone was a home run, but all were nice).

In this situation though, I would move it to the back of the dresser and eventually hang a scarf or two over it. Then when you do your next major house cleaning, wrap it up and put it away. If he does ask, say you didn’t want it to break. Although, it doesn’t sound like he will ask.

I assume you have shared finances? So for your next occasion, simply make dinner reservations yourself. Pick a place you want to go and let him know. “Oh, honey, I’ve been wanting to try the new steak place, so let’s go there for my birthday. I’ll make reservations for next Saturday!”

 

[Xantippe]

Pensmama87 said:

“We’ve done marriage counseling, but he’s very charming in public. Our first therapist (who had just finished going through a divorce) took his side completely and told me I just needed to indulge him until he felt like throwing me a bone (which would be never, I’ve been there, done that). The second one was a bit better, but not great. DH put on a “good face” for him, too. I am in individual counseling now. I first suspected that my husband was a narcissist about a year ago - when I was pregnant with our second, had HG, ended up in urgent care, and he kept texting me while I was being treated that he had a big important meeting he was missing so I needed to hurry up. Before that I had thought maybe he was on the autism spectrum but high functioning…he’s always had problems knowing social cues, but he’s also well liked in casual circles, so that part didn’t seem to fit. He’s definitely not as bad as it can get, which is why to this point I’ve stayed (plus I’m financially dependent on him with two young children.)”

That’s really hard.

The book I always recommend is “Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work.”

amazon.com/Alone-Together-Making-Asperger-Marriage/dp/1843105373

Ask your counselor for productive ways of managing your husband when he mopes and whines about his “sacrifices.”

“His image as the good family man is important to him, and has worked to my advantage before, so I’m not worried about him leaving unless a major crisis were to come along (if I had a debilitating illness, for instance.)”

That’s a really big deal that you are concerned about him leaving you if you are seriously ill or disabled and I don’t think that that is an unreasonable concern, given the situation you have described.

 

[pensmama87]

My husband sounds very much like yours. A major difference that I see, however, is that I genuinely believe my husband’s intentions to be good even though he has a heck of a time trying to see past himself. I’ll never forget when I was pregnant and had a confirmed case of H1N1. We were at the hospital and it was getting late. He kept complaining of how tired he was, of how late it was getting, of how he wasn’t feeling well, so eventually I said “Listen, do you want this bed? You take it. Get some rest.” I was being sarcastic (which was unfair of me) but he accepted and laid down. That was a wake up call for me. I have found through trial and error that I can not expect my husband to inherently know my needs, because he simply doesn’t even think of it. I have not given up hope, because I know we have a lifetime together and that he will continue to learn. And my husband is a genuinely good man with a good heart who tries, but often fails, to be that loving available husband a woman needs. Gifts are usually pretty terrible, to be honest. Jewelry that is the farthest thing from my style or taste, books that he wanted to read for himself, things like that. Last Valentine’s day, he gifted me a crossword puzzle from Walgreens still in the bag. But he really means well, and I always know that.

From your posts, it sounds almost as though your husband does not have good intentions. He “puts on a good face” and fools others. It sounds like he takes things to a whole new level of yuck. I get frustrated with my husband because he doesn’t think of me–he just doesn’t think of my needs or feelings–but when it is brought to his attention he gets disappointed in himself and tries harder. For your situation, does your husband ever acknowledge when he fell short of your needs? When you lovingly and gently bring it to his attention, how does he respond?

I had to laugh at your hospital story, even though I’m sure it was awful to go through. I’ve got similar ones. And I never do learn - the sarcasm doesn’t work! He just won’t pick up on it.

On our best days I tend to think as you do, that’s it’s not necessarily a deliberate manipulation but just total obliviousness. If you were to ask him, my husband would definitely say that he loves me and our kids, and I think he would mean it. But he’s got a limited capacity to understand what love is - to him it’s having his idea of fun with us. I learned very early that I had to be very careful about how I instruct him to take care of us better. He’ll say he wants to, but pouts when I say, “This didn’t really work for me,” and accuse me of being hypercritical. He has a very, very sensitive ego.

He’s also very watchful for signs that I may be “taking advantage of him.” I had postpartum depression after both of our children were born (not surprising, unsupportive home environment is a semi-reliable predictor. ) He would be genuinely concerned that I was sad, but as soon as I said, “I think this is postpartum depression,” he quit making any effort. It was “my illness” so it was my duty to take care of it, and his responsibility ended. He wouldn’t phrase it that way if you asked him to explain it, but it was like a switch went off as soon as I disclosed that. If I’m sick or hurt in any way, it’s guaranteed that within a few hours or days he’ll come down with some mysterious malady that requires my care (and I’m not just talking about things that are contagious that he could actually catch.) But of course these are never serious enough for him to see a doctor or skip work.

To be fair to him, I think we all have a tendency to present our best faces in public. It’s not just narcissists who go to therapists and try to convince them there’s nothing wrong, especially when their spouses have dragged them for counseling so they think it’s going to be about assigning blame. I am lucky I am seeing a good one that I finally feel I can open up to. There are several I have kept secrets from out of shame or embarrassment. My husband’s not alone in that, not by a long shot.

Ultimately, his problem is a distorted worldview. He magnifies everything that has to do with him and minimizes anything that doesn’t. He thinks he’s a loving husband and father and that he does “his best,” while everyone else is out to get him in some way, or doesn’t bother trying to “really understand him.” My best approach when trying to solve some unworkable behavior is if I can measure something. So, he’s on Twitter all of the time (I got stronger, quit letting him use me as his “supply” all of the time, so he turned to his Internet friends that he could wow with his sports knowledge.) If our son wakes him up early-ish in the morning, he whines and complains about how he didn’t get enough sleep because I asked him to “clean up” in the kitchen. But I can point out that based on the timestamps, he was really on Twitter until 2am, and all the same dishes are out on the counter as before, so maybe he shouldn’t blame me. That gets through to him. Until the next evening when he does the same thing.

Yeah, this really is about a lot more than just the one gift.

 

[pensmama87]

That’s really hard.

The book I always recommend is “Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work.”

amazon.com/Alone-Together-Making-Asperger-Marriage/dp/1843105373

Ask your counselor for productive ways of managing your husband when he mopes and whines about his “sacrifices.”

That’s a really big deal that you are concerned about him leaving you if you are seriously ill or disabled and I don’t think that that is an unreasonable concern, given the situation you have described.

I’ll have to take a look at the book. Although I don’t think he’s an Aspie, some of the reviews suggest that it might be helpful for my situation anyhow.

I have been asking my counselor and she has been helpful. One thing she advised was pushing him on how he views things. Recently we had a fight about how much time he spends out of the house. He wanted to go see his high school football team play, on a Friday night when he had had two night meetings for work already that week, and was going to another football game on Sunday, and was catching up with some friends at the bar on Saturday night. I had had a really difficult week with the boys and asked him to please stay home. He kept whining about it, saying I never “let him have any fun,” and finally I pointed out the other weekend activities he already had scheduled, and pointed out that I had given up a mom’s night out already that week on his request. He grumbled, but he quit pestering me. I wouldn’t be surprised if it comes up again in a list of grievances, though.

You know, if we have enough money that we could afford medications and home nursing care, he probably wouldn’t leave if I got sick. But if I was stuck in a hospital, he wouldn’t visit, and if he had to change an adult diaper, yeah, he’d split. I might rather it be that way, honestly, than have him try to hold it over my head. I’ve been through two fairly uneventful births with him and I’ve seen how that part of it goes. I’m on my own when it comes to my health.

 

[Ophelia23]

I had to laugh at your hospital story, even though I’m sure it was awful to go through. I’ve got similar ones. And I never do learn - the sarcasm doesn’t work! He just won’t pick up on it.

On our best days I tend to think as you do, that’s it’s not necessarily a deliberate manipulation but just total obliviousness. If you were to ask him, my husband would definitely say that he loves me and our kids, and I think he would mean it. But he’s got a limited capacity to understand what love is - to him it’s having his idea of fun with us. I learned very early that I had to be very careful about how I instruct him to take care of us better. He’ll say he wants to, but pouts when I say, “This didn’t really work for me,” and accuse me of being hypercritical. He has a very, very sensitive ego.

He’s also very watchful for signs that I may be “taking advantage of him.” I had postpartum depression after both of our children were born (not surprising, unsupportive home environment is a semi-reliable predictor. ) He would be genuinely concerned that I was sad, but as soon as I said, “I think this is postpartum depression,” he quit making any effort. It was “my illness” so it was my duty to take care of it, and his responsibility ended. He wouldn’t phrase it that way if you asked him to explain it, but it was like a switch went off as soon as I disclosed that. If I’m sick or hurt in any way, it’s guaranteed that within a few hours or days he’ll come down with some mysterious malady that requires my care (and I’m not just talking about things that are contagious that he could actually catch.) But of course these are never serious enough for him to see a doctor or skip work.

To be fair to him, I think we all have a tendency to present our best faces in public. It’s not just narcissists who go to therapists and try to convince them there’s nothing wrong, especially when their spouses have dragged them for counseling so they think it’s going to be about assigning blame. I am lucky I am seeing a good one that I finally feel I can open up to. There are several I have kept secrets from out of shame or embarrassment. My husband’s not alone in that, not by a long shot.

Ultimately, his problem is a distorted worldview. He magnifies everything that has to do with him and minimizes anything that doesn’t. He thinks he’s a loving husband and father and that he does “his best,” while everyone else is out to get him in some way, or doesn’t bother trying to “really understand him.” My best approach when trying to solve some unworkable behavior is if I can measure something. So, he’s on Twitter all of the time (I got stronger, quit letting him use me as his “supply” all of the time, so he turned to his Internet friends that he could wow with his sports knowledge.) If our son wakes him up early-ish in the morning, he whines and complains about how he didn’t get enough sleep because I asked him to “clean up” in the kitchen. But I can point out that based on the timestamps, he was really on Twitter until 2am, and all the same dishes are out on the counter as before, so maybe he shouldn’t blame me. That gets through to him. Until the next evening when he does the same thing.

Yeah, this really is about a lot more than just the one gift.

:grouphug: I really, really, REALLY understand where you are coming from! I think our husbands might just be brothers…

It can be so frustrating. We could share story after story, I am sure. I just remind myself that my wonderful husband (and I say that seriously–I love him so very much!) is my ticket to heaven. :heaven:

 

[Xantippe]

pensmama87 said:

“I have been asking my counselor and she has been helpful. One thing she advised was pushing him on how he views things.”

Very good.

“Recently we had a fight about how much time he spends out of the house. He wanted to go see his high school football team play, on a Friday night when he had had two night meetings for work already that week, and was going to another football game on Sunday, and was catching up with some friends at the bar on Saturday night. I had had a really difficult week with the boys and asked him to please stay home. He kept whining about it, saying I never “let him have any fun,” and finally I pointed out the other weekend activities he already had scheduled, and pointed out that I had given up a mom’s night out already that week on his request. He grumbled, but he quit pestering me. I wouldn’t be surprised if it comes up again in a list of grievances, though.”

Talk to your counselor about how to deal with the whining as well as him bringing up old stuff. I would suggest treating him like an adult and saying something like, “We’ve already discussed this, honey, and four nights away from home this week is plenty. You’re going to have to prioritize what’s important to you, sweetie. If you like, you could skip one of those other things and go to the high school football game. It’s up to you.”

Bear in mind that the average married guy does not spend half that much time away from home at night, and particularly not so much solo evening recreation. My husband has occasional evening work things and he does amateur astronomy (which means nights out), but two nights away in the same week practically never happens unless there’s a long business trip.

“You know, if we have enough money that we could afford medications and home nursing care, he probably wouldn’t leave if I got sick. But if I was stuck in a hospital, he wouldn’t visit, and if he had to change an adult diaper, yeah, he’d split. I might rather it be that way, honestly, than have him try to hold it over my head. I’ve been through two fairly uneventful births with him and I’ve seen how that part of it goes. I’m on my own when it comes to my health.”

I think you need to work on this as your project with him and talk to your counselor about how to do it. It is possible for people to improve with time and to take on more responsibilities. When my husband and I had our first child, I did all dishes and practically all cooking, but as our family expanded, it somehow became family custom for him to do all the dishes (unless when genuinely unwell). He’s also gotten into baking and home repairs and has more and more been able to involve our older children with his hobbies and interests. Also, with my second pregnancy, I had felt really under-helped. Our oldest was 2 and special needs, although we didn’t know it at the time, and my husband was in the process of getting tenure, so I felt like a zombie all the time when pregnant with our second. Since then, my husband has gotten tenure, our older kids have gotten bigger, and he was actually really amazing with my last two pregnancies (the third was a late miscarriage with a long recovery and the fourth was successful but very complicated–he had to do pretty much everything at home).

Definitely do not hurry to bring more children into this situation and if your husband wants more kids (or more sex) you need to be ready to have a conversation with him on how you need more support from him and how (especially as you get older) that it is more and more likely that you will have health complications with pregnancy or a child with a disability, so that the more kids you have, the more he needs to step up. If you ease him into this, he may eventually surprise you.

Bear in mind that eventually, it will be perfectly acceptable to send a kid or two to the game with daddy.

 

[pensmama87]

:grouphug: I really, really, REALLY understand where you are coming from! I think our husbands might just be brothers…

It can be so frustrating. We could share story after story, I am sure. I just remind myself that my wonderful husband (and I say that seriously–I love him so very much!) is my ticket to heaven. :heaven:

Thank you! :grouphug: I do love my husband - despite all of this. A lot of the advice out there is just to get out ASAP, and I know that’s not the solution in our case - at least not right now. If his tendencies were more severe or if they manifested differently, then maybe it would be. My therapist agrees with my assessment and thinks there is a chance of improvement, though it’ll be a lot of slow, hard work. I like what you say about the “ticket to heaven.” Much better than stomping around grumbling to myself about how unfair life is! And more productive.

 

[pensmama87]

Talk to your counselor about how to deal with the whining as well as him bringing up old stuff. I would suggest treating him like an adult and saying something like, “We’ve already discussed this, honey, and four nights away from home this week is plenty. You’re going to have to prioritize what’s important to you, sweetie. If you like, you could skip one of those other things and go to the high school football game. It’s up to you.”

Bear in mind that the average married guy does not spend half that much time away from home at night, and particularly not so much solo evening recreation. My husband has occasional evening work things and he does amateur astronomy (which means nights out), but two nights away in the same week practically never happens unless there’s a long business trip.

Thanks for this. One problem we have is that we don’t have very many other married couples that we socialize with; it’s mostly old college buddies that go out drinking almost every night. So his sense of what’s “normal” is off. I’m glad that a few buddies of his that already have kids have recently moved closer to us, that might improve his perceptions a bit.

I think you need to work on this as your project with him and talk to your counselor about how to do it. It is possible for people to improve with time and to take on more responsibilities. When my husband and I had our first child, I did all dishes and practically all cooking, but as our family expanded, it somehow became family custom for him to do all the dishes (unless when genuinely unwell). He’s also gotten into baking and home repairs and has more and more been able to involve our older children with his hobbies and interests. Also, with my second pregnancy, I had felt really under-helped. Our oldest was 2 and special needs, although we didn’t know it at the time, and my husband was in the process of getting tenure, so I felt like a zombie all the time when pregnant with our second. Since then, my husband has gotten tenure, our older kids have gotten bigger, and he was actually really amazing with my last two pregnancies (the third was a late miscarriage with a long recovery and the fourth was successful but very complicated–he had to do pretty much everything at home).

Definitely do not hurry to bring more children into this situation and if your husband wants more kids (or more sex) you need to be ready to have a conversation with him on how you need more support from him and how (especially as you get older) that it is more and more likely that you will have health complications with pregnancy or a child with a disability, so that the more kids you have, the more he needs to step up. If you ease him into this, he may eventually surprise you.

Bear in mind that eventually, it will be perfectly acceptable to send a kid or two to the game with daddy.

It’s funny, when we first got married, neither of us were practicing and figured we’d have our two and be done. Now I’ve reverted, and I got excited about having a larger family, which he was initially incredibly reluctant about - though now he talks about having a bunch of kids, and I’m realizing that due to our circumstances it may be far from wise for us to have more, because I know that as it is right now I won’t get the support I need.

I do get overwhelmed sometime thinking about how much I manage already and thinking ahead (I’m a planner, which can be a blessing and a curse ). I like your suggestion and think I’ll bring it up with my counselor this week - my plan thus far has been, “OK, how can I just sleep less?” which has not been kind to me or the kids, who have to deal with me all day.

 

[HouseArrest]

I’d leave it up. Actually, unless it hit some kind of a nerve with me, I would probably stop noticing it.

 

[ClearWater]

(By the way, if you’re wondering why on earth I married him…at the time of our marriage I had absolutely zero insight into any of this.** I was a perfect target for a narcissist - I was desperate to please,** he was incredibly charming, and he had the kind of family I had always wanted growing up. And I could have picked a worse one. As I said, he wants to play the part of the good Catholic family man, not, say, the sports car driving babe picking up guy. If he was that guy, I’d be out of here yesterday.)

If you got involved with a narcisist, you may also be codependent.

Codependents are like magnets for narcisists. I think of the movie “Pretty Woman” where Richard Gere’s character is asking her how she ever got involved in something like prostitution. She said she was following …bum 1, bum 2, and then bum 3. She said someone used to refer to her as a “bum magnet”!

Even if you were to leave this relationship, if you are codependent, this might even be a pattern you repeat. If it were not your husband, it might be with someone else.

Codependency was mainly associated with being the child of an alcoholic, but since then, they’ve discovered it has also been associated with being a child of a large family or a person with a disability.

Do you have any Codependent Anonymous out your way? or if not, any Alanon? They both have the same issues.

Boundaries are important.

 

[ClearWater]

At the present rate, you might also be better off just asking for no presents, since he’s likely to spend a lot of money on a present, that may just actually be for himself, rather than you!

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

I think people leave up to the labels you assign to them. What you look for, you will find.

 

[pensmama87]

If you got involved with a narcisist, you may also be codependent.

Codependents are like magnets for narcisists. I think of the movie “Pretty Woman” where Richard Gere’s character is asking her how she ever got involved in something like prostitution. She said she was following …bum 1, bum 2, and then bum 3. She said someone used to refer to her as a “bum magnet”!

Even if you were to leave this relationship, if you are codependent, this might even be a pattern you repeat. If it were not your husband, it might be with someone else.

Codependency was mainly associated with being the child of an alcoholic, but since then, they’ve discovered it has also been associated with being a child of a large family or a person with a disability.

Do you have any Codependent Anonymous out your way? or if not, any Alanon? They both have the same issues.

Boundaries are important.

Yes, I definitely have issues with codependency. I’m addressing them with my counselor. I’m in a much better place than I was three years ago. I’m also a recovering addict myself and am familiar with 12-step. (Boy, this situation sounds better with every post! )

Although some people take issue with labelling, etc. I don’t see them as a way to excuse my husband’s behavior, but they are a way for me to understand how he thinks and what I can reasonably expect. It’s also a reminder that I’m not alone in my own issues or in dealing with his. Other people go through this, too, to varying degrees, and I can reach out to them (or to professionals who have handled people like him before) for help. It was actually really freeing to get his diagnosis (of course, he doesn’t accept it - there’s nothing wrong with him, just the rest of us - which is exactly something a narcissist would think!)

CAROLOFTHEBELLS:

I think people leave up to the labels you assign to them. What you look for, you will find.

God bless you and have a happy Thanksgiving.

 

[pensmama87]

At the present rate, you might also be better off just asking for no presents, since he’s likely to spend a lot of money on a present, that may just actually be for himself, rather than you!

I’ve thought about this, but honestly I think it lets him off the hook too much. I’ve thought about doing zero gifts for either of us (we’re on a tight budget, so my thought was not spending on us gave us a bit more room for the kids for birthdays and Christmas), but he pouted a ton about this (and I wasn’t thrilled about it either, but I was willing to make the sacrifice…but it’s not quite that desperate - just that in Dave Ramsey talk I’m getting “gazelle intense” about paying off our debts). I’m not about to give in and say that I “deserve” less than he does for a gift-giving occasion - that feeds into his perception that he is the one who matters more.

I may just go the “flowers and dinner” route, though. They’re not lasting, but I would enjoy the experience. Plus I can make the dinner reservations myself and he’ll still feel like he treated me. And I don’t have to cook!

 

[epan]

I would leave it out and thank God he didn’t try and pick out clothing for you.

agreed. the worst example of this is clothing.

 

[Xantippe]

Pensmama87 said:

“I’ve thought about this, but honestly I think it lets him off the hook too much. I’ve thought about doing zero gifts for either of us (we’re on a tight budget, so my thought was not spending on us gave us a bit more room for the kids for birthdays and Christmas), but he pouted a ton about this (and I wasn’t thrilled about it either, but I was willing to make the sacrifice…but it’s not quite that desperate - just that in Dave Ramsey talk I’m getting “gazelle intense” about paying off our debts). I’m not about to give in and say that I “deserve” less than he does for a gift-giving occasion - that feeds into his perception that he is the one who matters more.”

I agree that you should not set up a situation where it’s the family rule that you “deserve” less than he does, because 1) that’s not true and 2) it’s a recipe for resentment.

One option is to get somewhat nicer versions of things you already have to buy as your gift, if you feel considered about the spending. For instance, I sometimes ask my MIL for fancy soap in some particular scent for my birthday, which means I get a box of lavender or rose-scented soap that lasts me practically through the year. There was also a birthday where what I asked for for me was some fancy Thai groceries for cooking projects. Those are kind of “practical” gifts, but they are special to me. I also might enjoy fancy dish towels or new dishes–sure they’re “practical,” but it’s stuff you use and see every day. Why shouldn’t it be just a little nicer than it needs to be?

That’s roughly what you did with the cooking stuff you asked for. Maybe you need to be more emotionally expressive about how that is what you REALLY want? I might even go so far as to open up a wish list at Amazon or a registry at some place like Bed, Bath and Beyond and bring that to his attention.

“I may just go the “flowers and dinner” route, though. They’re not lasting, but I would enjoy the experience. Plus I can make the dinner reservations myself and he’ll still feel like he treated me. And I don’t have to cook!”

Sure, that’s a treat no matter who makes the reservation–it’s still somebody else making dinner, clearing away the dishes, washing them, and cleaning up the kitchen!

 

[amrin]

Personally, I would put it in the laundry room, in a place you don’t get to look at it directly, usually only us women go there, nobody else.