Illness and Intimacy

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sandusky1011

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I’m so afraid to ask such a personal question but this has just been eating away at me. I have several illnesses that make intimacy with my husband very painful. Even gentle touching hurts and I endured it for over five years once a week for him even though I dreaded it each time. I finally got to the point where I just couldn’t do it anymore because of building resentment and he finally “got” how hard it was for me. I’m not a saint but wish I was for him. I’ve offered to help relieve him but he said, “no thanks” since I would have to remain clothed since I do still feel arousal but it’s too painful to do anything about it. I feel so much guilt about this and I’m only 50 and he’s 48, too young to have this happen. I don’t worry about him straying but do worry about his health and his stress since I know sex is a good stress reliever for men. I feel like I will be the death of him and regret having married him to put him through this. We’re going on 27 years of marriage with two children.

I know that he doesn’t understand my pain and it’s obvious that he sometimes just wonders why I can’t do it, because I look healthy. I was just awarded disability this year after 3 years of waiting. Sex doesn’t seem to be very strenuous at all for men but for women I equate it to running around the block a few times which I could never do anymore.

He’s not a talker like I am so we never had that emotional connection that I really needed. We only had the intimate connection and now that’s gone. We still get along fine but I’m so limited in things that I can do as far as fun things go. About all I can do is go out to dinner. He now has to help more and more around the house and I hate asking for help. I just feel like such a burden and I was always so energetic. Part of me wants to offer to just be with him once in awhile even if it causes me pain to make him happy but I’m afraid I will once again resent him for it. I wish I was a saint because I would then be able to sacrifice that for him. What am I to do? I’m sorry for the length of this and I would appreciate any insight. Thanks in advance and God Bless.
 
Hi, I have severe fibromyalgia that developed 4 years ago and I am often in too much pain for intimacy. Do you mind me asking if it’s painful for you to be touched externally or if just intercourse is painful?

There are many excellent doctors who can help if it’s a vaginal/cervical problem. I had difficulty with painful intercourse but it ended up being because I had endometriosis embedded in the muscles around my cervix. Once that was gone, the pain was gone.

But now I must deal with the fibro so we definitely are together less often. My husband also had had to help out more around the house when I’m feeling especially bad. I hate asking him, but honestly, if he claims to be a Catholic man, he’s supposed to treat me like Christ treats the church–be willing to die for me. A man who resents doing housework cannot possibly love with the unconditional love of Christ, so I don’t care as much anymore about being a “burden.” I look at it as my contribution to helping him grow in holiness. =)

You can e-mail me more privately if you’d like to talk about this. Believe me, I KNOW all too well what you’re going through!!
 
*I don’t have any advice right now, but I wanted to just offer my prayers up for you and your husband…and marriage. I’m sorry for the pain you’re in, please accept my hug and prayers for your situation. *
 
sandusky1011 said:
I’m so afraid to ask such a personal question but this has just been eating away at me. I have several illnesses that make intimacy with my husband very painful. Even gentle touching hurts and I endured it for over five years once a week for him even though I dreaded it each time. I finally got to the point where I just couldn’t do it anymore because of building resentment and he finally “got” how hard it was for me. I’m not a saint but wish I was for him. I’ve offered to help relieve him but he said, “no thanks” since I would have to remain clothed since I do still feel arousal but it’s too painful to do anything about it. I feel so much guilt about this and I’m only 50 and he’s 48, too young to have this happen. I don’t worry about him straying but do worry about his health and his stress since I know sex is a good stress reliever for men. I feel like I will be the death of him and regret having married him to put him through this. We’re going on 27 years of marriage with two children.

I know that he doesn’t understand my pain and it’s obvious that he sometimes just wonders why I can’t do it, because I look healthy. I was just awarded disability this year after 3 years of waiting. Sex doesn’t seem to be very strenuous at all for men but for women I equate it to running around the block a few times which I could never do anymore.

He’s not a talker like I am so we never had that emotional connection that I really needed. We only had the intimate connection and now that’s gone. We still get along fine but I’m so limited in things that I can do as far as fun things go. About all I can do is go out to dinner. He now has to help more and more around the house and I hate asking for help. I just feel like such a burden and I was always so energetic. Part of me wants to offer to just be with him once in awhile even if it causes me pain to make him happy but I’m afraid I will once again resent him for it. I wish I was a saint because I would then be able to sacrifice that for him. What am I to do? I’m sorry for the length of this and I would appreciate any insight. Thanks in advance and God Bless.
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Have you talked this over with your doctor, had tests, tried different treatments? Taking sex off the table all together and expecting so much work around the house from your husband, while all you can do is go out to dinner sounds like a relationship that is imbalanced in the extreme. With all that he is suffering for you in this, you should remember that true love is sacrificial, and find it somewhere within you to suffer for the man who has given his life up for you.
 
Speak to your doctor, talk to support groups for your illness.

Know that a good marriage DOES NOT depend on sex, it is based on commitment. Maybe this time in your life is going to be where you abstain for awhile, or for some time. Love each other and God, stay close to Jesus and pray together often.
 
I hope you will continue to seek out treatment. I hope there is a solution for your pain.

Regarding intimacy, perhaps you and your DH are not aware that “relieving him” in other ways is a sin against chastity. You are debilitated, and that is very distressing I am sure, so in a case such as this continence is called for until such time as you are able to fully participate in the marital embrace.

As another has pointed out, a good man does not need “relief” from other women, from you, or from himself. He is not going to die without intercourse.
 
Thank you everyone for your responses and prayers.

LHMercy, the pain is everywhere. My skin is extremely sensitive to the touch. I also have fibromyalgia, peripheral neuropathy, a ruptured disk and several bulging, autoimmune symptoms, a painful voice disorder, tendonitis in my fingers and chronic inflammation. I’m on different medications that don’t seem to do much for the pain. Doctors can’t help because they really don’t know all that much, they just treat the symptoms and run more tests.

Our commimtment and our faith is what keeps us together so that’s good but it’s so hard to deal with my guilt because I’m the one who’s made him unhappy.

1ke, no, we were not aware of it being sinful in me relieving him. I’m sorry to hear that.

dulcissima, unfortunately, that is what happens when one spouse is disabled in a relationship. It becomes imbalanced but it can’t be helped. So, not only does the ill one deal with the disease but also the guilt because the whole family suffers, too. All I ask him to do is help me by cleaning the shower, helping clean up after dinner and lifting things if I need it. I do all the rest in small doses. And I did sacrifice for over 5 years for him and found I just couldn’t do it anymore because it was too painful.

I DO believe it is helping my DH to learn things about himself and our marriage. And I also believe as LHMercy said, “that it’s helping him grow in holiness.”
 
I am sorry that you have guilt over this. There is nothing that you describe that is your “fault” or that you should feel guilty about.

You became ill with debilitating symptoms. It is now time for your DH to step up and lead in this situation. That is not your fault. That you are now physically impaired is not your fault.

Marriage is about service and sacrifice for the other, not about what you receive. If your DH is unhappy and making you feel guilty, then indeed he does have some “growing in holiness” to do.
 
Sandusky: I don’t have any advice. Just do what you can, when you can. God doesn’t expect more than that. Sorry you have to feel sick all the time. Keep trying new treatments and therapies. There’s more advances in health care everyday. Maybe one will finally do the trick. BTW it took us like forever to learn all the rights and and wrongs about sex when I came back to the church. So don’t feel bad. Confession is a perfect remedy for this and helps give you strength to avoid those things in the future. I will pray today for you. Hang in there.
 
I am sure you didn’t mean it this way, but your offer to “relieve” your husband may have been hurtful, even felt degrading to him. Most likely, he does not want sex just for the physical release, but that is what you have reduced it to with that comment.

He is probably depressed to. It is a real ego boost to a man to satisfy his woman. My husband has told me straight out that his pleasure in sex is dependent on mine. He can’t enjoy it if he’s not sure I am enjoying it too. So, your husband probably feels like a failure, because not only can he not satisfy you, every touch he gives you is painful. He wants to caress you and help you relax, he wants to be the cause of your ecstasy.

Please keep working with your doctors. Your husband does need to be understanding, and if you can never make love again, you both still need to stay committed to one another. But realize that he needs physical affection too (not just sex), and this is extremely hard on him in different ways than it is for you.
 
grandiosa said:
I am sure you didn’t mean it this way, but your offer to “relieve” your husband may have been hurtful, even felt degrading to him. Most likely, he does not want sex just for the physical release, but that is what you have reduced it to with that comment.

He is probably depressed to. It is a real ego boost to a man to satisfy his woman. My husband has told me straight out that his pleasure in sex is dependent on mine. He can’t enjoy it if he’s not sure I am enjoying it too. So, your husband probably feels like a failure, because not only can he not satisfy you, every touch he gives you is painful. He wants to caress you and help you relax, he wants to be the cause of your ecstasy.

Please keep working with your doctors. Your husband does need to be understanding, and if you can never make love again, you both still need to stay committed to one another. But realize that he needs physical affection too (not just sex), and this is extremely hard on him in different ways than it is for you.
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I feel the same as your husband. If I am not 'satisfying" my wife and she is not actively engaged in our intimacy I am not happy. All men are not pigs, just wanting sex then sleep. We also need the emotional connection with our wives that sex provides for us, as men. Lack of intimacy can lead to depression and anxiety… I will pray for the OP.
 
You are right. My husband did indeed enjoy my pleasure, too. In some ways I believe men receive an ego boost if they can pleasure their wives but, simply put, a man cannot pleasure a woman if her mind is not in the right place or if he hasn’t been Christ like in his actions or support.

My offer to pleasure him was a last resort on my part and I’m sure he did feel degraded by it but he knew what I meant by it. We have talked extensively about all of this through the years and he knows it has nothing to do with him. I’ve told him that when he’s feeling angry to try and blame the disease and not me. I’m sure it’s hard to seperate the two sometimes.
 
sandusky1011 said:
I wish I was a saint because I would then be able to sacrifice that for him. What am I to do?
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When St Thomas Aquinas was asked by his sister what to do to get sanctity he said

“Will it”

To some degree that is what you are called to do as your husband is also called to do. Will to make sacrifices for one another. It is a sin against charity for you to deny your husband and it is a sin against charity for your husband to insist upon sex in such a state.

But do not look to your husbands obligations to you, look towards your obligation to him.

Perhaps you could let him know how much you love him in another way, write him poems or notes. Pray the rosary for him, make a small sacrifice for him every day it does not necessarily have to be sex.

Perhaps you could also consider meeting with a priest.
 
nmoerbeek, thank you. I will indeed think about your statements and pray about them. They are very insightful. I have also prayed the rosary for my DH and prayed for me to be more giving in other ways and voice my gratitude for the things he does to help.
 
Sandusky, This is quite the cross in life, this quote from Corinthians is one of my favorite.

1 Corinthians 7: 4-5

4 A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife.

5 Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.

This may be the time to pray.👍 1ke, Whatevergirl and others above often point out that a husband and wife, sanctified in Holy Matrimony are one. If you can get your husband to pray the Rosary with you in bed at night he and you might really be surprised just how bonding and enriching it can be for a couple. The Blessed Mother hears all our prayers and will not let any of us down, all it takes is Prayer and Patience.👍

Now if I can just get my DW to give up her “CSI” or “Law and Order” TV shows a few more times per week for either activity,🤷 I’d be happier too, but I keep praying.😃
 
😃 Gratefuldad, loved your last statement!

My DH is a very private person and not a talkative one so he would never agree to pray together and I don’t even know if he prays the rosary (I doubt it). I know that he prays faithfully before bed for people and at Mass but not sure about other times. And, with my painful voice disorder I have to talk as little as possible when I’m in a flare up. Those can last for 3 months at a time with severe throat pain (like strep). I can’t wait to go to bed at night to be rid of the pain. I’m in a flare right now from spending the day with my mother last week. Silly me for enjoying the day with her and talking. 🤷
 
sandusky1011 said:
Thank you everyone for your responses and prayers.

LHMercy, the pain is everywhere. My skin is extremely sensitive to the touch. I also have fibromyalgia, peripheral neuropathy, a ruptured disk and several bulging, autoimmune symptoms, a painful voice disorder, tendonitis in my fingers and chronic inflammation. I’m on different medications that don’t seem to do much for the pain. Doctors can’t help because they really don’t know all that much, they just treat the symptoms and run more tests.

Our commimtment and our faith is what keeps us together so that’s good but it’s so hard to deal with my guilt because I’m the one who’s made him unhappy.

1ke, no, we were not aware of it being sinful in me relieving him. I’m sorry to hear that.

dulcissima, unfortunately, that is what happens when one spouse is disabled in a relationship. It becomes imbalanced but it can’t be helped. So, not only does the ill one deal with the disease but also the guilt because the whole family suffers, too. All I ask him to do is help me by cleaning the shower, helping clean up after dinner and lifting things if I need it. I do all the rest in small doses. And I did sacrifice for over 5 years for him and found I just couldn’t do it anymore because it was too painful.

I DO believe it is helping my DH to learn things about himself and our marriage. And I also believe as LHMercy said, “that it’s helping him grow in holiness.”
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A doctor is not going to be able to diagnose any illness or condition without doing diagnostics. It appears from the information that you have provided that your doctors do, indeed, have a fairly good idea of what is ailing you: “I also have fibromyalgia, peripheral neuropathy, a ruptured disk and several bulging, autoimmune symptoms, a painful voice disorder, tendonitis in my fingers and chronic inflammation.” I have had two ruptured disks and free-floating bone fragments in my spinal column. I had surgery in 2001, at age 49, and I have been mobile and relatively pain-free since. I, too, have peripheral neuropathy in both feet. I find it bothersome at times but it’s certainly nothing that threatens my quality of life. Inflammation? What about NSAIDS? What medications are you on for these conditions? Are you doing any physical therapy? Are you eating healthful foods and exercising? Sometimes we have to move when we don’t want to in order to lessen pain, depression and fatigue.

This response is not to address the question of sexual behaviors and responsibilites. I mean only to share that when I prioritized my personal health, all else improved in my life.

One more thing: you are not responsible for your husband’s happiness. He is. He signed on for a lifetime with you. My idea of a real man is one who stands tall in this situation and does not lay a guilt trip on a partner whose health is compromised. Find other things in life that interest you both, things you can enthusiastically share with each other. There’s more to life, even married life, than sex.

Limerick
 
Limerick, thank you for your response. Believe me I do everything I can for my health which is why all this baffles me. Before all of this I used to be into bodybuilding and my health was everything to me. I’m on 3000mg neurontin, plaquenil for the inflammation (nsaids bother my stomach), clonazepam and propranolol. I just finished with another round of PT and traction and now have my own home traction unit for my back which I do 3times a week. I walk a few times a week (only a mile) and lift light dumbbells 3 times a week. I also do exercises for my back and stretching for my PN and FM. I rarely eat sweets and have a pretty good diet. I weigh 118lbs and still have good muscle tone although I have no endurance anymore with those muscles. I use meditation when I can and also do voice exercises. It’s been hard lately because my 18 yr old daughter adopted a large shelter dog 2 months ago and it’s kind of set me back with some things because I have to “babysit” when she’s not here. Poor decision on my part. So, you asked. I’d say I’m doing everything I can in my power to deal with all of this, it’s like a fulltime job. And I see my neuro and rheum on a regular basis.
 
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