I'm a bad person. But being honest

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LorilopezInneed

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I need some feedback.* I grew up in a very dysfunctional family.* My parents were a wreck and I couldn’t wait to get clear of their house --and i’ve been working ever since.
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I didn’t date much growing up.* I am a rape survivor so it really made me scared about getting close to guys.* I dated a few in college.* One broke my heart. I was SO in love.* The man could do no wrong.
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Then I met a few guys after college who were just “friend zone”.* They were nice and treated me well, but I just didn’t date them.* Then I met my husband.* He was a jerk to me - over and over again.* I complained about him to my family and they couldn’t stand him after I confessed how he was treating me.* But, for some reason I just continued to stay with him.* Then he proposed.* I didn’t say anything for at least 40 seconds because I knew I should say no…but I said yes anyway.* Then during our engagement I planned on canceling the wedding.* I even delayed getting the dress – my husband did most of the wedding planning because I was secretly trying to thing of ways to escape.*
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But we got married – wedding was beautiful.* I prayed that things would improve.** ANd they did – but I began to lose myself.* I became extremely codependant.* Probably a result of my rape and dysfunctional family.* I talked poorly about my husband to my friends – because I was constantly complaining about how he got me an iron for* christmas or something of that nature.* Everything was/is always about him.**
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I didn’t want to have a child – delayed on that too.* Then,* I got pregnant.* That boy is the best thing that ever happened to me.* However,* having a child made my husband who is OCD very volatile.* It brought out the worst in him.* However,* I have definitely seen him grow as a man too.** Here’s the thing – we grew so far apart through our son’s toddler years – I asked for a seperation.* We did for a bit but he threatened suicide so I got scared and took him back…mainly for our son.*
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Then I cheated on my husband.* He doesn’t know to what extent.* I told the other guy that I would leave my husband – but I never did.* I just kept waiting.* Then, there was a tragic death in my family and I realized what a terrible person I had become and decided to end the affair and commit to my husband.** SInce then – I’ve flirted with other men – never got physical but sought out men to see if I could maintian a relationship with them IF I left my husband.
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That’s where I am now.* I met a man at work – he’s a decent man.* I haven’t even touched the guy – but he and our chats have left me wondering if I could/should leave my husband again.*
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My husband still doesn’t treat me all that well and really can be quite mean.We are in a boatload of financial problems.But, he doesn’t deserve to be cheated on.
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Here’s what I want to know – WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Do I just not love my husband? How can I be so callous? I have spent a good portion of our decade plus marriage – wishing/planning that I would leave…but never have.*
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I’m going back to therapy.* He and I have gone through therapy and it definitely didn’t help him.* He just said it left him feeling like I was rubbing his nose in all of his poor treatment.* Which I was - because the therapist needed to know what he’s done.*
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Any insight?* Am I just completely psycho?* It’s possible – I’m open to that.* But I want to find a way to change this dynamic.* Any suggestions?
 
The only way to change the dynamic is to change yourself. You are the only one responsible for your own actions, however that does not deny at all that a lot of other people have hurt you in the past. You need to address your own issues in individual therapy.
 
Well, first of all you don’t sound like a bad person, very confused with a very troubled past. Continue conselling, deal with the old issues and learn who you are before making any life changing decisions. Best of luck and you have my prayers.
 
Try to understand your husband and what he is feeling. It might be hard as he might not even know what he is feeling. Spend more time with him. Pray with him.

Avoid other men. Seeking out another man is going to do little more than put a bandaid on the problems, if not create more.

Is he a faithful Catholic?
 
Yes we go to church and people probably think we are Practicing Catholics.

My husband and I have gone through marriage counseling (Christian) and even the therapist asked me why I was in the relationship considering what he had heard.

My husband put me on the spot in front of my family and made me tell them about the rapes from an old family friend. That blew up my entire family and caused them to disown me for awhile. I don’t know why he did that considering I had never told anyone other than him and begged that he never tell.

That was awhile ago and we’ve healed a bit but clearly I’m still dealing with the damage.
 
You are NOT a bad person… never think that… you have been hurt and hurt bad… I agree with previous posters… seek counselling for yourself and see who you really are… You are not a doormat but you have been stepped on… I will keep you in my prayers God bless and May Our lady and her Divine Son Jesus be with you and guide you.
 
If you are Catholic I would urge you to relieve yourself of the sins you are talking about by going to confession. You will have no more question about whether or not you are a bad person. Then I hope you can find some counseling by a spiritual advisor regarding your marriage. You have many resources within our church to lead and guide and support you. God bless you on this journey.
 
mountee said:
If you are Catholic I would urge you to relieve yourself of the sins you are talking about by going to confession. You will have no more question about whether or not you are a bad person. Then I hope you can find some counseling by a spiritual advisor regarding your marriage. You have many resources within our church to lead and guide and support you. God bless you on this journey.
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I agree with Mountee’s post.
We are all sinners… first seek God’s forgiveness in the confessional for the mortal sins of your life if you are a Catholic Christian, and begin to practice all the Sacramental gifts of Christ. Your life will change and peace will come. Surrender to God and he will give you the grace to change. God will bless you with his peace, Carlan
 
No one on these forums could possibly know the situation well enough to tell you whether to leave or not. All we can do is encourage you to change the way you look at the situation.

You are not a bad person, but I would like to echo the words of a previous poster and say that it would be good to frequent the sacrament of confession (this is of course true for all of us). Find a good advisor and find a strong group of girls to support you.

I will be praying for you.
 
LorilopezInneed said:
Yes we go to church and people probably think we are Practicing Catholics.

My husband and I have gone through marriage counseling (Christian) and even the therapist asked me why I was in the relationship considering what he had heard.

My husband put me on the spot in front of my family and made me tell them about the rapes from an old family friend. That blew up my entire family and caused them to disown me for awhile. I don’t know why he did that considering I had never told anyone other than him and begged that he never tell.

That was awhile ago and we’ve healed a bit but clearly I’m still dealing with the damage.
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Is it possible he was trying to force you and your family to face what had happened to you instead of ignoring it? I’m not defending his method for going about doing so, but maybe that was his reason. I can’t believe your family would disown you over that–sounds like they’re the real villains in that story. Rather than blowing up they should have rallied around you and done anything possible to help you heal.

It sounds like you and your husband need intensive counseling and prayer. Actually, maybe you should do individual counseling for a long time to work through the past, and consider medication if you find yourself feeling out of control or despairing.
 
IMO, you keep wishing because you never felt right about it from the start. If he treats you badly, and you keep doing what you have been, the effect on your son will be overwhelming and he will pick up bad habits.

You sound like me, the frog in the pot syndrome. you were raised in that pot and stayed int he pot and slowly it is cooking you so you don’t jump.

The reason why I say that is because I am there right next to you. It is hard to break the cycle.

We are not supposed to marry because of the loneliness, we are supposed to marry because we want to help the other person get to heaven.

I agree with the others, it doesn’t make you a bad person, but you need healing, and how you are now isn’t helping you other than you see it, now you need to make changes…but for a higher purpose than for your husband.

Why do you think some other man will be livable? If you were to leave your current situation, then you must remember your son is your vocation. This man who is your husband will always be his dad.

Sometimes a change in environment will relieve some of the pressure that is making you crazier than you are.

Just stuff to think about. You are not alone.
 
I do know there was a lot of dysfunction surrounding that day and what led up to it. But my mom basically said I was a liar. She laughed. She went on to say that if anything… I caused problems by throwing myself at this older man. I was 13/14 when it all began. She said that I was just trying to make her feel like a bad mother.
 
You are not alone! And not a bad person…agree with previous posters, confession would help - I need to go to confession too but find every excuse to put it off. I have some of those same mega-issues to deal with as well. Thank you for posting…prayers!!
 
LorilopezInneed said:
Here’s what I want to know – WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?*
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Dear sister…

I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. I will put it in all caps if that will drive it home – THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

But there is something that I could tell from your story that is missing. Something that you desperately need. That something is Love. True, unconditional and eternal Love. And I want you to know that God loves you. Above all else. He’s the only one who can love you completely and unconditionally. And nothing you have done, are doing, or will do can ever diminish or nullify that love. Be assured of that.

And because of His love, you have worth. You are not a bad person. You are a precious child of God. Take comfort in the words of Blessed Pope John Paul the Great when he said, “We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father’s love for us and our real capacity to become the image of his Son.”

All you have to do is open your heart and receive His love.

I pray that this may give you inspiration and strength in your very real struggles. I will include you in my prayers.

In His Name,

OMGJ
 
LorilopezInneed said:
I do know there was a lot of dysfunction surrounding that day and what led up to it. But my mom basically said I was a liar. She laughed. She went on to say that if anything… I caused problems by throwing myself at this older man. I was 13/14 when it all began. She said that I was just trying to make her feel like a bad mother.
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That happens so much. You were a kid and that is just crazy for your mom to think it was your fault. Even if you had been a wild child the man who is grown has the responsibility to control himself. So either way, not your fault. You were a child.

She made herself into a bad mom when she didn’t believe you.

I think those issues really need the right person for your healing. Even in discerning what is right in your current situation. Sex outside of marriage is never not a sin. Your husband deserves your whole heart. You deserve his. It sounds like it isn’t happening either way. Regardless of who is to blame or if blame is to be given at all.

One thing like the others have said, you can only work on fixing you. That includes your body, soul, and spirit. The work may never be done but get in the race and start with one foot infront of the other.

You do not want to pass this stuff on to your son and what he has gotten passed on you want him to see a better way.

peace.
 
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