I'm a Jealous MIL-Please Help

[marymary1975]

Having negative feelings especially when your first child is a newlywed and you are first adapting to it is fairly common I think. What is important is how you direct your feelings. You are in good track as you are consciously thinking the right way so that is already a good start. I like what Easterjoy recommended turn those bad feelings into good feelings with the help of your conscious choices. Just like easterjoy says if he brags about her cooking think that you thought him to be that way, and thanks to your upraising he is an appreciative person. That he has to consult with his wife, thank your own self for raising a son who is respectful to women and who takes his wife into consideration. Your son is a reflection of the good things you thought him so instead of focusing on the bad feeling focus on the idea that you did a great job as a mother and these are the results.

Second don’t see yourself in competition with your daughter in law. The mother son relationship is very different to the relationship between your son and his wife so don’t ever feel like anything between them is in competition with you because is not. If you think that maybe he may like her food more than yours you are falling into competing. Don’t allow that because is not true and allowing the competition feeling is destructive. Why he can’t like both yours and hers? Don’t look at food as a race to show him who is better. Look at it as part of different roles. Don’t see it as competition over your son’s heart. Look at it as completely different relationships. He can’t love you the same way he loves his wife as he can’t love his wife as he loves you. Is impossible so just don’t fall into competition and instead when you get those negative feelings contrarest them with your rational feeling and of course pray to God to help you overcome these feelings.

 

[Pax2u]

I would take it to Confession. Why struggle with the negativity all alone? Get the graces from the Sacrament to help you overcome.

 

[ela2]

You are very wise that you know there is an issue and are trying to deal with it. Many MILs (mine did and caused a lot of suffering) have similar issues which they don’t admit or deal with and end up ruining the lives of all their loved ones. Any negativity when not dealt with can grow into something more serious. Continue seeking ways how to overcome this problem…confession as suggested by others, is one great ways to get rid of our negative traits, besides that see what else you can take from these posts.

God bless you in your efforts and may he help you.

 

[90Domer]

Please take this with all respect. If you have inner feelings of bitterness or resentment over the fact that your son’s wife is first in his life (as it should be), you need to resolve those feelings soon. Otherwise, they will bubble out and come out in subtle ways.

I am no longer in contact with my MIL because she had the same feelings, and she started to express them to me. Sadly, when I told my husband, he did not correct her. This caused a huge rift in our marriage and nearly caused me to move out. You need to face the fact that your DIL–like it or not-- is and should be the number one person in son’s life. Period. This is the way God intended. His family is primary, not yours.

Please take these words to heart. I speak from experience. Perhaps going to confession and talking this over during this time would be a good start.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[90Domer]

That’s not true, nor should it be, and I think that’s what the OP is struggling with. She is not number one in his heart, and she shouldn’t be. Just as her MIL is not number one in her husband’s heart, she will not be number one in her son’s.

But the OP knows that already, and it seems to be what is upsetting her. OP, while you are no longer the number one woman in his life, you are his mom, and you always will be. The day will never come where he sets out to take on a new mom to raise him all over again and to provide the family that he’s starting with all the love and support that only you can give him and his wife. A mom’s job isn’t to be number one, it’s to raise kind, caring, competent children who can go out, find their own way in life, get married, and have children of their own. It looks like you succeeded.

Of course, just because this was supposed to happen doesn’t mean that it feels good. So give yourself time to mourn. But when you’re done, treat yourself to a beer, go on an adventure with your husband, and the next time you see your son and new DIL, be sure to tell them everything.

Spot on advice! Great job!

 

[Demetra2]

I give you a lot of credit for being able to admit this flaw and for looking for a way to minimize any damage you might do to the relationship with your new daughter-in-law. I also think that you should go to confession and talk to the priest about your feelings. Your feelings are very new since they are newly weds so remember that feelings come and go. What you feel right now may be completely gone in a few months or a year when you have adjusted to this change in your life. In the mean time be grateful for this girl who loves your son and who your son also loves. This is a beautiful thing and as it should be. A man must leave mother and father and cleave to his wife. Sit back and enjoy this and pray for this girl who will be very important in your life. Do your best to make her feel welcome in your home but give them some space right now. And remind yourself that as his mother you will always have a very special place of honor in his life. When jealousy rears its ugly head just stop it because there is no room for it in your life.

 

[aTraditionalist]

Look at this from a biblical perspective. Read Tobit when you get a chance. Embrace your new daughter and enjoy the fact that your son is a man in his own right.

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