I'm a lousy husband

  • Thread starter Thread starter JamesA800
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

JamesA800

Guest
How could I do this to my wife. I have a wonderful wife. She is the sweetest most innocent person I have ever known. She loves me unconditionally and never tells me no. I met her when she was 18 at a pro-life prayer group. I am 8 years older then her. I was completely in deep the first time I saw her. I asked her out and 6 months later I proposed. She told me she was nervous and not sure if she was ready to be married but I pushed and pushed and she caved. We were married 10 months later. She had told me she didn’t think she was ready to be a mom and that if we married she feared getting pregnant right away. I assured her we would be extra careful. I even went with her to the group classes for Natural Family Planning. But of course, her fertile time fell during the week of our honeymoon, and here is my first moment of weakness, I waited so long to be with her and now we were married, blah blah blah, I got her pregnant. When baby 1st son was 6 weeks old her doctor gave her the green light for sex again. But she wasn’t to sure how to chart during breastfeeding and I didn’t have the self control to wait around. I felt terrible she had just had a baby and selffish me, I got her pregnant again.After baby number 2 came she wouldnt let me near her for like 6 months. Then I started to guilt her into sex even though she was having a really hard time charting her fertility while breast feeding.2 months after that she found out she was pregnant again. And then hears the topper… she has just told me she is pregnant with number 4. She is so upset but she is hidding it very well. But I know she is upset, I hear her crying in the shower. She wasn’t ready for the 1st one, and now #4. Her friends are all starting to finish college, going out having fun (all things I got to do as I am older then she) and she is at our house changing diapers and chasing toddlers.
She never complains, she loves ours kids and is the best mom in the world to them. But I think I have completely put myself infront of her needs and now I don’t know if I can ever make it up to her.
The worst part is she still tells me she loves me, she never complains, and she she always has a warm smile on her face.
Oh THE GUILT.
 
How lucky your children are to have such wonderful parents.

Sometimes our plans aren’t what God has in mind.
 
Ok, first off you need to start taking responsibility for NFP. Babies ARE blessings but it sounds to me like you are pushing your wife beyond her capabilities. She should not have to tell you “no”–you should already know that she is in her fertile period and that having a baby right now would be too hard on her.

Second, this baby should be celebrated and it sounds like your wife is too overwhelmed to do so. Can you take on more responsibilities at home? Give her time off in the evening just for herself?

Third, sex in a marriage is supposed to be selfgiving–NOT selfish. Guilting your spouse into having sex when she cannot handle another child is selfish. You need to seriously examine the way you are repeatedly treating your wife. I would suggest talking to a priest and apologizing profusely to your wife. Your wife deserves a less selfish husband.
 
Well not gonna speak on the past etc. You know how ya got here. Lets focus on what ya gonna do now. Start by not feeling guilty, you can’t change anything, so work on making things good as ya can for the present.

Roll up your sleeves and go to work raising these babies. Y’all are truly blessed, you just don’t know it yet. When you get my age, you’ll understand.

Won’t be easy, but it will slowly get better. She’s gonna need your help. Potty training, doctor visits, car pools, soccer practice etc, and thats if even if you don’t have anymore.

She sounds like a great wife and mother, instead of feeling sorry yourself, I’d look at the positive. You married a young lady, that absouletly layed it on the line for you, that kind of love is rare. She has given up many things to be your wife and the mother of your kids, without waivering. Right now she doesn’t need you feeling guilty, she needs you to be a man. Decisive, supportive, smart, protective, security, provider, lover, and friend. You need to do those things so she doesn’t have to, her plate is full right now.

She’s young, scared, and not sure of the future, give her security and take care of her. Make sure she has a life outside of those 4 walls. Take care of the kids every once and while so she can visit her friends, or meet them up at Applebees for supper.

She has been in a almost constant state of pregnancy since y’all came home. That is not the easiest state to be in for so long, I’m sure you know that, just don’t forget it.

Now ya know how fertile she is, if you throw your underwear in the washing machine with hers, good chance she gets pregnant, so just be careful. The ladies here know alot about NFP, they can help, but it ain’t wrote down ya won’t have another.

In the meantime how about getting optimistic about things? Sheesh not all that bad is it? When you get to be my age you don’t wanna be wore out and old beyond your years do ya? Well being pessimistic and not being someone fun to be around will make ya that way. I know guys in their 30s who come home, turn the tv on, eat supper, rub the kids a minute, complain about this or that for a little while, pass out in front of the tv, till his wakes him up for bed. He ain’t made her laugh or feel sexy in MONTHS. That how you wanna be??

We were only able to have one, we wondered why, but didn’t complain about it, nor did we dwell on it. Had a life to live, and whatever the plan was better get to working it. I’m beginning to see now why the plan for us was only one. It took over 20 years for that manisfestation. Something I learned about God you gotta be patient. Time is of no consequence Him.

I’m not telling ya this is gonna be easy, I gurantee that it ain’t. But it will be worth it. What’s going on now is gonna lay the groundwork for the future. When you get my age you wanna be happy and optimistic, so y’all can do all the stuff she’s missing now. Unless you wanna be a couple of fuddy duddies sitting around watching the weather channel.

And welcome to the forums. Lots of good info here about everything Catholic and everyday life. Use the search button if you have any questions, and keep us posted on how things are goin :tiphat:
 
Thanks for that response Bama,I think I needed a good kick in the “…”.
The thing is I think my behavior has been so selfish. me being 27 when we married I was already established, finished college, had a career going, I was ready to be married and start a family. I wanted to find a nice Catholic girl to build a life with. When I saw her well, lets just say from the moment we met I new she was it for me. But I took all my needs and wants and basically pulled her along for the ride. Yes I know she loves me, but I can’t help but think how undeserving I am to have this woman as my wife and I have completely taken advantage of her. She does not look at it this way. She thinks it was meant to be , part of the big plan etc. but I think the guilt is this, I see my amazing wife, always with a smile, working like crazy to fullfill my dreams and all I do is think of myself. I new she wasnt ready to start a family when we first got married, she was 19. But deep down I was hoping for a whoops because I was ready.I knocked over the domino and started a chain reaction I get it now, I need to put her and my children ahead of myself. How do I do this.
 
by the way, I do want to just say how truly blessed I am to have my wonderful children. I hear about, and know so many people who want so badly to have a child or several children and it doesnt happen for them. I just don’t want anyone to think I am anything but greatefull for my wonderful children.
What I feel guilty for is taking advantage of my wife.
 
Let her teach you how.

Watch what she does, and do that.

I mean, not copying what she’s doing (that would be redundant), but taking on her same attitude, and being that way for her. 🙂
 
OK… Here’s an opinion from a younger woman married to an older man… My DH is 18.5 years older than me. We met when I was 21 and have been together for over 14 years now. He is 54 and I am 35. We have 2 daughters who are 7 and 8 and I am expecting #3.

You should give your wife more credit! She chose you just as you chose her. You assume you have all this power and coerced her into something she didn’t want to do. Simply because she is younger than you does not mean she is not mature. It sounds like she has made the choice to live the life God has given her to the fullest. Granted she has her hands full for sure. But I would bet that her heart is equally as full. The tears in the shower could just be hormones of pregnancy. As far as feeling like she might regret not having the opportunity to party with her friends I can tell you that I gave that up without a second thought. I do not at all envy my single friends who are out seeking what I already have.

You mentioned that she always has a smile on her face and works hard and is the best mother in the world. It sounds to me like she is doing exactly what she needs to do for her family. It is her vocation as wife and mother. That is not a bad thing!!!

I agree you do need to stop making her the gatekeeper of the bedroom. Get involved in the NFP and make the sacrifice when needed for her physical and mental wellbeing. It is never good for the wife to always have to refuse when it is a fertile time and the couple is trying to avoid a pregnancy.

As far as helping with the blessings you have already given birth to, just be sure and help without being asked. If I have to point out things that need to be done, it makes me feel like a nag. You know that your kids need to be fed and bathed and put to bed each night. Jump in and help. You don’t have to do it perfectly or the way she does, just do it. It will come soon enough and you will know exactly what to do. (Moms don’t get a secret parenting manual that we hide from you Dads! We are taking it as it comes too!) The most important thing is to just let her know that you truly love her and appreciate all the little things she does to keep your family going.

I think it is great that you recognize a need to change and are willing to do it! God Bless!
 
Roll up your sleeves and go to work raising these babies.
Click to expand...
YUP.
stop making her the gatekeeper of the bedroom.
Click to expand...
Yup.
be sure and help without being asked.
Click to expand...
YUP.

YOU find a babysitter to come one morning every other week so she can rest, shop, walk about in the yard, or read a book.

YOU find the babysitter to sit once a month for a couples date night. (this does NOT have to end in marital embrace.) if she’s currently nursing a baby, bring him along.

YOU help get the kids bathed, fed and settled in so she can prepare for your date.

YOU find out if she wants to take an online class. then prepare to allow her about 5 hours weekly SECLUISION with the computer.

YOU get up on saturday mornings and feed the kids, dress them, make the beds and washt the dishes so she can sleep in.

YOU wrangle the kids for an hour here and ther so she can log on to CAF and hash it out with the gang.

We have ten kids, been married 20 years. there are lots of reasons we are happy, ***not the least of which ***my husband does all that or equivalent for me. And I do plenty for him.

Why? because we feel guilty about each other’s burdens? no. because we love each other and we’re in this TOTAL SELF GIVING thing ***together. ***

congrats on the baby!

btw. when your wife cries, don’t apologize. just let her cry, hold her, wipe her tears and let her cry some more.
 
I’m one of those who didn’t end up with children, though I didn’t know it was going to be that way end-of-story until about 18 years later, so we still went through the whole NFP thing.

👍 for the comments about not making your wife the keeper of the bedroom. When we learned about NFP, something the instructors emphasised was that NFP allows a couple to jointly manage their fertility. With most forms of ABC, “accidents” or “slip ups” are generally seen as the woman’s “fault” - she forgot her pill or didn’t fit it properly or whatever - but when a husband gets involved in charting, he is every bit as aware of her fertility as she is. She shouldn’t have to tell him “no” because he should already be aware, and that responsibility is jointly shared. Maybe you already follow her charting and she knows that you do, but if not, demonstrating clearly that you know it is as much your responsibility as hers might help.

Agree with the suggestions about rolling the sleeves up, too. I don’t have children but I do get fed up with constant interruptions so I can empathise a bit with mums who never get clear space for themselves. Some people’s idea of helping a SAHM is taking the baby for her so she can go do something else … until the baby starts fussing, at which point they interrupt the poor woman and hand back the baby because “he wants his mum”. That isn’t help. Really lightening a SAHM’s load means taking total responsibility for the tasks you take on, just as you would have to do if she weren’t around to be whistled back in when baby gets restive. Keeping the option of handing the task back doesn’t give a mother a break. She (if she’s anything like me) needs to know that a task will be completely taken care of before she can feel it is off her mind and off her plate and she is free to relax or concentrate on something she wants to do. Of course, this might be advice you already follow so take it for whatever it is worth.

(And the help without being asked is also a big thing. Waiting till asked could give the message it’s her responsibility that you “help” with rather than something you are as responsible for as she is. A father is as much a helpmate to his SAHM wife in raising their family as she is to him in his job and career.)
 
Lose the guilt and ‘man up’ instead. Yesterday is gone, and guilt focuses you on the past.

I agree with the other posters here - DO things for her! Be the man you want and need to be for her. If it’s not in you right now, fake-it-til-you-make-it.

Soaking in guilt is like soaking in self-pity. You are swimming in emotion rather than acting and being and doing.

Once you become the husband your wife deserves, I think you’ll realize that she is the wife you deserve. When things seem difficult, pray. God’s help can make you a better husband. Good luck!
 
Yes to all the advice you’ve been given.
think how undeserving I am to have this woman as my wife
Click to expand...
Remember that! - but don’t wallow in guilt. Forget about paying her back for your previous selfishness, because once you pay her back, you get to quit paying. Bad idea!

So, starting right now, act like the husband she deserves. Sheeniac is right!

God bless yiu and your family,

Ruthie
 
kevinsgirl said:
Third, sex in a marriage is supposed to be selfgiving–NOT selfish. Guilting your spouse into having sex when she cannot handle another child is selfish. You need to seriously examine the way you are repeatedly treating your wife. I would suggest talking to a priest and apologizing profusely to your wife. Your wife deserves a less selfish husband.
Click to expand...
he knows all this.
 
To the OP - You’ve mentioned several times that you are selfish. All good advice above on how to deal specifically with your wife, the kids, and the NFP. But the difficulty in following the NFP rules correctly is really the symptom of the internal struggle that you have with selfishness. So while your wife needs you to help her, I’d suggest dealing with it on a spiritual level too. You don’t just want to put a bandaid on the problem, I’m sure you really want to become a holier person, and therefore let your family reap the benefits of that.

Think of a virtue that is opposite to your type of selfishness, and resolve to cultivate that virtue. Pray daily about specific ways you can be less selfish and be more virtuous. Do a little examination of conscience every night to evaluate how you did that day. Use that time at night to resolve to do something, even if it’s only one thing better the next day. Go to confession regularly to help receive the grace to be a better husband/father/Christian.
 
JamesA800 said:
by the way, I do want to just say how truly blessed I am to have my wonderful children. I hear about, and know so many people who want so badly to have a child or several children and it doesnt happen for them. I just don’t want anyone to think I am anything but greatefull for my wonderful children.
What I feel guilty for is taking advantage of my wife.
Click to expand...
Now that you know, just change your ways. It’s great that you have come to this realization. Some people never come to terms with their treatment of others, and I admire your candor. You sound like you have a very special and holy wife. Treasure her, and tell her often how glad that you to be married to such a gem like her. But words are cheap without actions. Just try to change…put her needs before yours in little ways, and the big ways will follow. It takes practice, on some days, lol…but sacrificing for others is so worth it! God bless, and may you have a blessed Christmas with your wife and kids.
 
JamesA800 said:
I have a wonderful wife. She is the sweetest most innocent person I have ever known. She loves me unconditionally and never tells me no.
She never complains, she loves ours kids and is the best mom in the world to them.
she still tells me she loves me, she never complains, and she she always has a warm smile on her face.
Click to expand...
See the things you admire…some day you will be just like this.
God has faith in the 2 of you, you can do this. Never be afraid
to ask for help when you need it. Think of the couple on TV with
the 7 babies. Church members helped them round the clock at
first. When you let people help you, they are being blessed.

One story I heard about the world trade center, is that a man was
saved from that disaster by being late to work because he felt
sorry for his wife that morning, since their 3 babies were all crying at once. He stayed to help her feed them, and was late, saving
his life.

God knows you aren’t ready for the 4 baby, yet here he comes.
Imagine how important this child is! Despite the difficulty, your
family needs this particular child. After a while you will see,
that you just couldn’t get by without him. There will never be
another person like him in this world! (or her)

Once I saw a video on TV of a mom in bed with 4 babies. The
dad was videoing. I don’t remember what he would say, but one
baby would start laughing, and then they’d all start laughing.
Then they’d get quieter and the dad would say whatever it was
again, one baby would laugh, and they’d all start laughing, it was
hilarious!!!

Think of the cartoon strip “family circus”. That’s you! Think how
different that comic strip would be if the dad had said, “I’m a
terrible dad because there are 4 of you”. It’s not even funny.

My point is this: what will get you through the tough times is joy.
All the things that are hard will end, but the love will last forever.
You have something precious, that money can’t buy. If you think you are selfish, o.k., then stop doing whatever you think you shouldn’t, and do the things you think you should. But never let
anyone rob you of the joy of your family, it is your lifeline.

Blessings on You!!!
 
So many good suggestions! So my suggestion is to print them all out and ask your wife which ones communicate your love to her most clearly. Divide them into Daily, Weekly, Monthly, and get yourself a spiritual director or a tough-minded friend who will help keep you accountable to doing everything on those lists, even when you don’t feel like it. Sacramental confession is your new best friend 🙂

Have some kind of a periodic checkup with your wife to make sure you’re on track. And if she is comfortable with it, maybe one of her close friends would be willing to give you an occasional elbow in the ribs if your wife is hesitant to feel like she is complaining.
 
Is you wife truly unhappy? And are you sure it is unhappiness over a baby, or rather sadness at not being able to do something? Can you ask her what it is she would like to do? (E.g. take a class, start a hobby, visit friends more often)
 
Another second to everything that’s been said…

You really need to take care of your wife! Guilting her into sex and not learning NFP with her is inexcusable given the history you detail in the original post.

Two months ago, I married a wonderful man who is 13 year older than me. He’s 37, and I’m (hopefully) headed to graduate school this fall because he respects the fact that I’m younger than he is, and I still have goals to accomplish that he finished with years ago. He doesn’t force anything on me, or try to guilt me into anything. He loves me, and takes care of me (and I do my utmost for him), and wants what is best for both of us, not just what will fulfill him at that moment.

You both clearly love your kids, and that is wonderful. However, because your wife is several years younger than you, she may be feeling like she is missing out on some of the things she would have like to do, or would have done, had she not been constantly pregnant or changing diapers for the past several years! Help her out, and stop taking advantage of her! Not just on the changing diapers end – talk to her, and encourage her interests in other things. She may be so used to being your doormat that she doesn’t feel like she can really tell you what she thinks, how she feels, or what she might like to do. Help her to feel comfortable telling you if there is something new, and not kid-related, that she would like to get involved in or explore. Then help her do it! Be a husband, and be a father – BE A MAN. Take care of your wife instead of letting her take care of everything all the time – take some of her burdens instead of letting her be crushed under their weight.

I know I’m not exactly saying anything that hasn’t already been said, but it deserves re-emphasis.

May God bless you, your wife, and your family.

veritas
 
I think I should make a small clarification, I I do try the best I can to help my wife with the kids and let her have some rest. What I feel so guilty about is that yes, I did learn NFP with my wife and I took it to mean that you only use it in for valid reasns. “I” had no valid reason so I did’nt put my wife first and think maybe her reasons were valid. That is how I guilted her into sex when clearly she was trying to to tell me she needed a break. This is what I am now understanding.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top