I'm a Single Mom & Pregnant Again!

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deigratia1234

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Hi. I was married for 11 years and have 3 children from that marriage. We have been divorced for 8 years and the marriage was annulled. I have been in a new relationship for the past 2 years. We have struggled in the relationship with chastity and had to frequent the confessional for this sin. We were engaged for a short time, until he realized he could not handle being put into a situation where children were already present. He has never been married and never had children. My youngest is 13 and my oldest is 18 with special needs. He was in the seminary for 4 years before I met him but was not pursuing the priesthood when we met. He was planning on moving out of state, and we were resolved in going our separate ways. A month before he was supposed to leave, my cousin passed away. My ex-fiance was with me throughout the funeral, etc. During that time, we had sex once, went to confession the next day, and vowed to follow God’s will for our lives. We both felt sad but relieved that he was moving out of state, since we were struggling with doing the right thing when we were together. A few weeks went by, and I found out I was pregnant from that one night! I am in my forties, single with children, and scared to death. I’m 7 weeks along now. I have let everyone down, especially my children including this poor soul who will be born into a broken home with a mom who has made a series of horrible choices. I feel like crawling in a hole and dying. My ex-fiance is no longer moving out of state and marriage was brought up, but I don’t know what I should do. He cannot hold down a job. He doesn’t know what it is like to care about anyone but himself, and I’m so afraid about our future. My ex-husband has never paid child support and never will. I struggle every day to take care of my kids, and I don’t think this baby’s father will be much different. I have been fortunate to be with a company that has been flexible with me and my schedule so that I could be there for my kids as much as possible under my circumstances. I worked from home for years but recently started training into a new position that involves working with patients. My boss does not know my situation yet. I’m so embarrassed. I’m a practicing Catholic, a convert, and truly want to do God’s will and follow Christ with my life, but have failed miserably! I cannot even go to my priest until my ex-fiance tells him because they are very close. He serves the Mass with him, etc. I’ve thought about adoption, but the thought of that kills me. I’m so confused.
 
May you fall in love with this new life.
I feel for you. Take each step as it comes. You will be given the strength to do the right thing if you pray.
I will pray for you.
 
deigratia1234 said:

“He cannot hold down a job. He doesn’t know what it is like to care about anyone but himself, and I’m so afraid about our future.”

That’s very unfortunate. When you get further along (maybe around 20 weeks), I think the two of you need to start counseling with regard to your role as co-parents. Your priest needs to impress upon your ex-fiance that even if you are not getting married, he will need to hold down a job, he will need to financially support your child, and he will need to do his best (whatever that is) in being present in your child’s life.

It would be wonderful if you could eventually get married to your ex-fiance, but obviously, you would need to see a stronger track record from him with regard to being able to be around your older children, holding down a job, etc.

“My ex-husband has never paid child support and never will.”

If you aren’t scared of him, now would be a very nice time to get a large lump of back child support or even some small regular payments. Have you seen a lawyer about this recently? He’s not going to get custody of your kids at this point (not unless they want to go), so don’t be worried about that.

“My boss does not know my situation yet.”

Unless you find yourself making mistakes at work or unable to carry on, I would keep my mouth shut as long as possible. Five months is plenty of notice to give of impending parenthood, and miscarriage is very common at your age.

“I struggle every day to take care of my kids, and I don’t think this baby’s father will be much different.”

If he is able to make some sort of regular informal contribution (let’s say diapers or formula or baby food or whatever), I would settle for that. However, if he stops making some sort of contribution for no good reason, feel free to take legal measures. In your situation, you owe it to all of your children to take all possible steps to provide for them.

“I’ve thought about adoption, but the thought of that kills me.”

I think that would be very upsetting and confusing to your older children.

Do not hesitate to use all available social services that you are eligible for.

You may wish to consider counseling and more spiritual guidance the next time you get serious about a man. You’ve been settling for so very little.

Best wishes!
 
Thank you so much for your prayers Musician…please remember my kids especially who are affected by my poor decisions.

Thank you for your thoughtful response Xantippe. I agree that I need counseling. People tell me I’m such a nice person and very pretty, blah, blah, blah… All I know is that I am horrible at finding men who treat me with respect. I come from a hard past with my father’s alcoholism, and my first real relationship was with a man that beat me for 2 years. Then came my bad marriage, and now this. It is not all doom and gloom though. Through all of my struggles, the Holy Spirit somehow pulled me into the Catholic Church! I don’t know why God decided to pluck me out of the darkness, but He did…I just wish I would stop wasting the graces given to me and be the child of God I’m supposed to be.

In regards to my ex-husband, he does not have to pay child support because he has a life-long illness and only collects social security. He works under-the-table now and again, but only to support his smoking habit and the occasional new tattoo. Every now and again he does buy the kids a pair of shoes or something…

I re-read what I wrote, and just have to shake my head. God help me. I want to have a better life for my children!
 
I will pray for you.

I wish people were more reliable and self-disciplined it is tragic what has happened to you.
I declare I shall not be a useless scum!
 
Dearest Deigratia,

May God fill you with His Peace. May you know you and your precious child in your womb and your other three precious child are very much loved by our Dear Lord.

You have many months to decide if you would like to raise this dear child or to place her /him with another family through adoption. God will give you graces to care for your child if you want to follow that path and will give you graces to present him or her to another mother if that is your desire.

For now, focus on taking care of these 4 children - the new one in your womb and your other three. Right now you are a new family - Mom and 4 children. You are a beautiful and much loved family.

Do not put so much focus on how the child came to be. You asked God’s forgiveness in your weakness and you don’t need to explain it to anyone.

I pray God leads you to loving friends who will walk with you on this journey of a new pregnancy and help you make your plans for the future with this little blessing tucked preciously in your womb.

St. Gerard ~ Patron of Expectant Mothers ~ Pray for us. :flowers:
 
Deigratia said:

“In regards to my ex-husband, he does not have to pay child support because he has a life-long illness and only collects social security. He works under-the-table now and again, but only to support his smoking habit and the occasional new tattoo. Every now and again he does buy the kids a pair of shoes or something…”

Yeah, that sounds pretty grim. My sympathy.

It might make you feel better to reach out to people who don’t know you “in real life” (as you have in posting in this forum) to give you a breather before going public with your pregnancy. You do need support, but in real life, it’s going to come with complications. If you make your announcement at say 4 or 5 months with ultrasound in hand, it will be easier to put a happy face on. Give your ex-fiance a deadline for talking to his priest friend (a week is more than enough) and then talk to him about your situation. Confidential support is going to be very important to you early on. You’ll need to figure out (maybe with a priest or counselor’s help) an appropriate speech for when you announce this to your big kids. It’s complicated, because you need to preserve your parental authority.

Best wishes!
 
Ecclesiaticus S, thank you for your prayers and making me smile with your final comment 🙂

RoseMary131, you brought me to tears, thank you for your words and your prayers. Your post immediately lifted my spirits. I feel like the woman caught in adultery in John, and Jesus tells me to go and sin no more. Please do remember me and my children in your prayers. I don’t have many friends and need God to send me Godly people in my life. My mom converted one year after I did, and we are the only two Catholics in our whole family! Thank you again.

Xantippe, yes, this is already helping me by hearing your responses. I haven’t been able to talk this out with an objective person such as yourself, much less get helpful advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my situation! I may have to switch parishes all together after this so that I can have a priest to talk to. It is going to be such a scandal when my priest finds out. He has taken my ex-fiance under his wing (he used to be in the seminary and does everything with Father). I will pray about it.
 
deigratia said:

“It is going to be such a scandal when my priest finds out. He has taken my ex-fiance under his wing (he used to be in the seminary and does everything with Father).”

That relationship is one of the more hopeful things about your situation. Your ex-fiance has this priest friend in his life and it may be that the friend will be able to influence him in a positive direction.

You may want to switch parishes, while maintaining your personal relationship with the priest.

Best wishes!
 
God works in strange ways. Maybe this child is the impetus for you ex fiancee to step up and become responsible. Maybe he will. The guy can’t be all that bad if he spent four years in the seminary. I hope everything works out for you and your children…and all those involved. I know it’s odd, but I have a strong feeling that everything will be ok for you.
 
deigratia1234 said:
My ex-fiance is no longer moving out of state and marriage was brought up, but I don’t know what I should do. He cannot hold down a job. He doesn’t know what it is like to care about anyone but himself… I cannot even go to my priest until my ex-fiance tells him because they are very close. He serves the Mass with him, etc.
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This man is now a father. He needs to grow up today. He needs to tell his priest friend tomorrow. He must get and hold a steady job to pay his child support. If he can serve at Mass, he can hold a job. This is a non-negotiable. You need to talk to the priest the day after tomorrow. The priest has a responsibility to you, your children, and to his friend to help him realize the seriousness of his paternal responsibilities.
I’ve thought about adoption, but the thought of that kills me. I’m so confused.
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I would talk to several priests and a family counselor about this. What is best for this child and your other children?

Please don’t waste time feeling guilty. You have the most important job in the world, mother of young children.
 
I think it’s time for the man in your life to step up and be a man.

It’s amazing how people can change when push comes to shove.
 
no wisdom except to say trust God, just do the next thing, and remember all children are a gift.

And, praying for you! Hail Mary…
 
deigratia1234 said:
Thank you so much for your prayers Musician…please remember my kids especially who are affected by my poor decisions.

Thank you for your thoughtful response Xantippe. I agree that I need counseling. People tell me I’m such a nice person and very pretty, blah, blah, blah… All I know is that I am horrible at finding men who treat me with respect. I come from a hard past with my father’s alcoholism, and my first real relationship was with a man that beat me for 2 years. Then came my bad marriage, and now this. It is not all doom and gloom though. Through all of my struggles, the Holy Spirit somehow pulled me into the Catholic Church! I don’t know why God decided to pluck me out of the darkness, but He did…I just wish I would stop wasting the graces given to me and be the child of God I’m supposed to be.

In regards to my ex-husband, he does not have to pay child support because he has a life-long illness and only collects social security. He works under-the-table now and again, but only to support his smoking habit and the occasional new tattoo. Every now and again he does buy the kids a pair of shoes or something…

I re-read what I wrote, and just have to shake my head. God help me. I want to have a better life for my children!
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I agree with what Xantippe wrote especially that you do need counseling but I want to point put an issue I see by reading your second paragraph. The reason why you constantly are falling into bad relationships is because you internally have accepted that that is the kind of relationship for you. Let me explain, humans are creatures of habit, and when we only know one specific habit we become comfortable with that habit and while consciously we may know that habit is wrong, that habit is what our brain feels comfortable and that is what your brain is going to look for. That is the reason why is so common to see children who grew up in abusive households or children from alcoholic to recreate on their adult lives their childhood environment.

You say your father was an alcoholic. If you grew up in a household where your father was abusive towards your mother, most likely (because that is the environment that your brain got used to) you are recreating in your current life what you saw as a child. The problem here is inside of you and if you want a better life for your child the first thing to do is fix the problem within you because if you don’t, unfortunately your children will recreate the same kind of toxic relationship. Fixing that problem takes a lot and I mean a lot of counseling and a lot of effort but is doable. I would recommend you to seek counseling specialized in women suffering domestic abuse (not because you are being abused right now but because your problem derives from abuse and you fall into the typical case of abused child recreating abusive relationship). Stop blaming others and realize the problem is in you and try to fix it from within. Go back and look objectively at everything you have done wrong and analyze it. Why did I do it? We’re there any warning signs I didn’t see? Is there a pattern between all the men I dated? How can I break that pattern? What technique can I use to break that pattern? Do I have a lack of self esteem problem and how do I fix it? What could I have done better, etc. And apply it to the future. Fixing your own problem is difficult but if you have the will, you can.

Another point, I note all over your post…but, but, but, but. Seems to me you have solutions to your problems but you don’t want to see them. But your ex is in social security…do you know that if a parent is in social security the child has the right to receive social security benefits too…specially if you divorced, so while you can’t get child support specifically you can petition for social security benefits and that is a guaranteed income. But your boyfriend can’t hold a job, well why don’t you tell him that he needs to grow up and go and get a job. Don’t let him walk over you! If you let him get away with Being a bad parent, he will. Don’t allow it. Show him from the beginning that you are expecting him to step up, if you show him from the beginning that not stepping up is not acceptable he won’t do it.

Unfortunately I don’t have too much time today but at least with that I am giving something to start.
 
I’ve never been in such a situation, so I can only imagine how you feel right now. I would strongly advise against making a decision to marry your partner, even if he offers to do so, because of the concern that he would be doing it solely for the sake of the baby. My husband was in a marriage that was contracted solely because he got his ex-wife pregnant and wanted to stay in the country. (He had emigrated to Canada from England to be with her.) The marriage lasted 4 years before she walked out on him, and he received a declaration of nullity from that marriage.

That said, I do agree that you need to tell your partner about the baby and see a lawyer in regards to child support. I can tell you that where I live, there is a Maintenance Enforcement program that parents can sign up for to ensure that their child’s parent pays child support. However, Maintenance Enforcement cannot vary an existing child support order; they only have authority to collect what is owed. A lawyer would be able to advise you of the specific options in your area.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
 
MaryMary1975 said:

“But your ex is in social security…do you know that if a parent is in social security the child has the right to receive social security benefits too…specially if you divorced, so while you can’t get child support specifically you can petition for social security benefits and that is a guaranteed income.”

Oooh–that is a very good catch.

Also, if your ex-fiance can manage to stay in seminary for 4 years, he should be able to hold down a job or at least a series of jobs (unless he’s had some sort of mental deterioration since that time–your description of him does suggest that he’s at least a little quirky).

A little bit of this and a little bit of that, and there should be enough for your family to live on.

Is your oldest eligible for disability, or is it reasonable to expect him to hold down a normal job?
 
deigratia1234 said:
In regards to my ex-husband, he does not have to pay child support because he has a life-long illness and only collects social security. He works under-the-table now and again, but only to support his smoking habit and the occasional new tattoo. Every now and again he does buy the kids a pair of shoes or something…
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I cannot say anything the others haven’t already said but please know I feel for you.

Have you contacted Social Security? From what I understand the court cannot take child support from Social Security checks, but they can add dependent pay to your ex’s case and then send the pay to you. My ex also never paid a dime in support and when he tried to collect SSD I called the Social Security Administration and found out that they would send me about $125 a month per child as dependent pay if my ex were to get SSD. He didn’t, but it was good information to have.

A friend of mine is living with a fellow who owes a large sum of back support. He is on SSD and somehow they are garnishing part of his income for child support arrears. At least that’s what he tells my friend when he asks her to pay for things… Might be worth contacting a lawyer about that possibility too.
 
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