I’m so tired of this sin. I want so desperately to stop. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to be a slave. But I never seem to learn. I just feel so lost and alone. I know that’s what the devil wants me to feel: that there’s no hope. But I keep fighting and I keep falling.
The positive side of this is that every week/Confession the frequency becomes less and less, but I just want Peace. I want freedom and salvation. I know Christ can give me that, not for my sake, but for His so that I can freely glorify God the Father with and through Him.
I don’t know what to do. I’m completely trapped it seems. Where do I go from here…does God hear my prayers if I’ve sinned against Him? I just can’t seem to get it through my head that God loves me and He always has and always will. That makes no sense to me, because I would have given up on myself a long time ago. I guess I haven’t though, but that’s only through God’s grace.
Where do I go from here?
Remember that even when you fall and stumble, you are still a child of God and He has you right in the palm of His hand. The more pitiful you and I are, the more He loves us and wishes to forgive us.
I struggle with masturbation too, enough to say that it was once a habit, but I’ve been able to break the usual routine and haven’t masturbated since my last confession or looked at the fetish material. It used to be where I would do it maybe a couple times every other day or a several times a week, and sometimes I would go longer periods of time, but would binge and masturbate alot to make up for the time I hadn’t been. What makes it worse for me is I have a fetish (as I implied) which increases my desire to masturbate. I realized I was getting nowhere with this, and it just so happened that I had been praying more as well, which made no sense. How could I be sinning just as much if I was praying more or my prayer life wasn’t decreasing? Shouldn’t it get better, not worse? I came to suspect what I already knew- this is spiritual warfare.
The demons want you to pleasure yourself, and your guardian angel and our Lady and the rest of heaven want you to resist. Don’t feel as though when you fall you’ve let heaven down and the ‘home team’ is losing. It’s quite the contrary. When you fall and you get back up (confession) and you’re resolved to not do it again, you’re taking up your cross (masturbation) and continuing along with your spiritual life. This pleases God and His blessings are with you in such a struggle.
Confession is key. Keep going and don’t receive our Lord when in a state of mortal sin. Even if people tell you it’s not a mortal sin, or you’ve explained your situation (like I have in having a fetish, which some believe can lessen the sin), still treat it as if it was a mortal sin, and hold yourself accountable. Treat it like a life or death issue, because it is. Your soul is on the line and the devil has found the soft spot in the armor God is placing on you through your prayer, by going to confession, mass, and receiving our Lord. In order to make that soft spot stronger, just keep doing what you’re doing, praying, going to confession, and so forth.
People say petitioning Our Lady has worked for them. I don’t know, you might want to try that. Others have recommended particular Saints that specialize in addictions and so forth, so you might want to ask around about that.
Just remember that God loves you very much and He’s there to console you in your distress. The fact you mortify your sin is a good sign, since it shows the Spirit is alive in you and helping you fight this temptation. The fact you struggle shows signs of life and a vitality that can be completely recovered with continual mass, confession, observance of the Sacraments, and so on.
Don’t give up, because God isn’t going to give up on you.
