I'm at rock bottom

[annie17on12]

I’m going through hell right now. I don’t even know how it started. My mother is psychologically abusive. I said something a while ago that was rude accidentally because of a misunderstanding that caused me to loose my patience. I said I was sorry and tried to move forward. But ever since the psychological abuse has gotten so bad that I can’t deal with it. Every time I even get slightly frustrated with her silence treatment, manipulation and accusations, she completely looses it. I realize I was wrong in trying to get her to recognize the abuse, because she becomes explosively angry and borderline violent. Just recently I was begging her to forgive me but she hasn’t forgiven me at all. She is still angry with me and resents me as a daughter. She continues to hold on to her grudge against me. My dad even tried to tell her to stop treating me like a criminal but then he was attacked by my mom. I don’t know what to do because I feel like the only option I have right now is to cut ties. She can’t forgive me and my family rallies to her side because they know what would happen if they rebelled against her. Right now, I’m labeled at the ungrateful selfish daughter who ruined her life. This whole thing has caused my husband and I to move to his family’s town even though we are not ready to move. I hate that no matter how much I apologize for screwing up that she can’t offer the slightest bit of forgiveness. And that even after apologizing, other family members have continued to scold me and belittle my feelings. How do I move on without letting hatred into my heart for the constant abusive treatment? How can I deal with the lack of forgiveness on her part when I had already forgiven her over and over? I just don’t have any reason to go on at this point. I feel so hopeless. It would have been better if she has just beat me up and moved on. But, she is blaming all of her unhappiness on me and I can not bear that weight when her unhappiness is caused by issues she refuses to acknowledge. I have cried myself sick over this. They act like they just want me dead, they hate me so much. I’m miserable over this right now, I feel like a doormat but I feel guilty for hurting her in the first place even though I never intended to. The only thing keeping me going right now is my husband. He keeps telling me that its not my fault and that I’m a good person. :bighanky:

 

[rainereli_rod]

Why you don’t look help in your local church group ?. With your local priest. There are many good family pastorals

 

[pensmama87]

This is a very heavy burden for a person to carry. I would suggest talking to your priest or to a trusted counselor (your priest could probably even recommend someone) so you can learn and practice some coping methods that will be helpful, and help you figure out how to handle your toxic family in the future.

God bless you.

 

[Allegra]

I think the others are right that you should get some support from a pastor of counselor, and of course your husband and his family (if they are close). It’s hard, but you may have to cut off contact with your mother for a least a while. I don’t think you should allow her to bully you. Has she always been this way or is this a recent thing?

 

[mommy_k]

I personally would stop apologising and leave her alone for a time. It sounds like she needs time and so do you to get over things.

 

[AClaire11]

You are not responsible for her emotions, happy or otherwise. Please take a break from being in contact with her (and anyone whom she uses as a go-between to harass you). You absolutely do not have to keep serving yourself up for abuse, blood relatives or no.

 

[SuperHappy]

I personally would stop apologising and leave her alone for a time. It sounds like she needs time and so do you to get over things.

Pray over the situation and allow God to work in you and in her. I agree that leaving her alone for a while would be a good idea.

She sounds abusive and toxic even though she is your mother. Whatever problem she has is not you, it’s something within herself. Once you take time and distance, you’ll be able to see it more clearly. As for the other family members, I would take their opinions as just that, opinions. You don’t have to listen or accept those. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with separating yourself from situations which are harmful to you.

I would also consult with the priest and ask him to pray with you over the situation. He will have practical and useful advice and the prayers will help you!

 

[oldrover]

You can’t choose your family. You can only choose how (or if) you deal with them.

Your mom sounds like a person you shouldn’t spend much time with. Such is life. And I’ve been there… both my wife and I had mothers we had to, essentially, excommunicate. Fortunately we could still maintain relationships with our fathers.

 

[1ke]

Just recently I was begging her to forgive me but she hasn’t forgiven me at all.

I think your turning point will be when you learn not to seek emotional fulfillment from her. You want expressions of love, of caring, of all the things parents normally do for their children. She isn’t capable of that.

Seek your emotional support and validation elsewhere.

You don’t need her forgiveness.

I realize I was wrong in trying to get her to recognize the abuse, because she becomes explosively angry and borderline violent.

I think only a therapist can help you with how to deal with such a person.

I don’t know what to do because I feel like the only option I have right now is to cut ties.

That’s what I would do.

Right now, I’m labeled at the ungrateful selfish daughter who ruined her life.

If it was me, I’d probably by a t-shirt that said that and wear it to Thanksgiving.

I hate that no matter how much I apologize for screwing up that she can’t offer the slightest bit of forgiveness.

a) stop apologizing
b) you didn’t screw up
c) she isn’t capable of forgiveness or other emotions normal people feel like remorse, shame, guilt, etc.

How do I move on without letting hatred into my heart for the constant abusive treatment? How can I deal with the lack of forgiveness on her part when I had already forgiven her over and over?

I think you deal with her lack of contrition the same way you deal with a dog’s lack of contrition for peeing on the carpet. You realize they have no ability to be remorseful, forgiving, etc. An animal can’t be sorry, can’t be forgiving. They are just an animal. Your mother can’t be sorry, can’t be forgiving. She has mental problems. She just can’t.

But, she is blaming all of her unhappiness on me and I can not bear that weight when her unhappiness is caused by issues she refuses to acknowledge. I have cried myself sick over this.

Cut off he abuser and the enablers. Get some mental health assistance for yourself. Long term abuse of this level is not easily overcome. You need a professional to help you.

The only thing keeping me going right now is my husband. He keeps telling me that its not my fault and that I’m a good person. :bighanky:

Listen to your husband.

 

[Irishmom2]

Excellent post, 1ke.

 

[tawny]

Prayiny for you.

 

[wllmjoseph]

QUOTE=annie17on12;14130965]How do I move on without letting hatred into my heart for the constant abusive treatment? How can I deal with the lack of forgiveness on her part when I had already forgiven her over and over? I just don’t have any reason to go on at this point. I feel so hopeless. :

Annie,
I am so sorry for your experience with your mom. It is obvious that this experience had traumatized you. I belong to a Catholic fraternal men’s organization. I stepped down from leadership after five years. There are individuals who I still interact with who hold a great deal of bitterness and resentment towards me. There were instances in which I made mistakes and apologized for and yet they are holding onto the anger and bitterness. There were things that were done towards me that were harmful and yet I forgave even when they did not ask for forgiveness.

It is not easy to forgive when they person who has hurt you does not even acknowledge the harm that they have done to you personally. In these instances I reflect on Jesus on the Cross. His own people were watching his crucifixion as entertainment. They were mocking him while he was on the cross in agony and dying. Jesus didn’t just forgive them he went so far as to intercede for them by explaining to God the Father “Forgive them for they know not what they do”. I find it helpful to forgive others who have hurt me especially when they do not acknowledge the harm they have done in reflecting on Jesus’ passion on the Cross. It is important that you offer up both the hurt and the anger to Jesus otherwise they will consume you and hatred will come into your heart.

The relationship that you have with your mother and the family members who scold you is toxic. For your own personal health and well being you need to determine if you should still interact with these individuals or if it would be best for you to not communicate with them for a period of time. I hope this helps. Be assured of my prayers!

 

[lax16]

I’m sorry to hear about your problems with your mom.

Other posters have given excellent advice. The only thing I would add is to learn to set healthy boundaries. It is so freeing and allows us to keep things in perspective and pray for those who hurt us.

 

[Monica4316]

I’m so sorry. I know how painful it is to have difficulties in a relationship with someone so close to you. Maybe it would be best to give her some space and just spend time doing things you enjoy and spend time with your husband. You’ve done your part and asked for forgiveness, pray for your mom but don’t let these difficulties take over your life. I know its easier said than done… Prayers for you!

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

I am sorry you are going through this.

The first thing to remember is: as your husband says it is not your fault! Do not let anyone – even parents dictate your self-worth.

As for your parents: since you are married and most likely living apart from them. Move on – it may sound cruel but cut off all contact from them. They are toxic! You have tried to make amends and reconcile with them but if they want no part of it, move on! If when you have children would you expose your kids to them – no. Why allow them to do to your kids they have tried to do to you.

Remember you have a husband that loves you very much and is supportive of you. Lean on him for added strength, but know that you are a child of God and that He loves and cares for you.

I pray that God grants you strength and peace, and the will to remove these toxic people from your life – until they see their hostility is hurting you and make amends and stay civil towards you and your family.

Winter.

 

[AKDee]

I went through this for a year and 7 months with my own mother up until just a couple months ago when my Dad died. The week before he died, my Mom came around and decided to make peace with me, with her brother, and with a cousin all of whom she had cut out of her life.

I was tormented by being cut off by my own mother, and I can completely empathize with your pain, and with your anger. I would forgive my mom, and then she’d same something heinous about me to my dad (and he couldn’t help himself, bless him, he always told me what she said) and I’d get mad all over again. And I was in constant pain because it’s unnatural for a mother to not love their child. And I definitely didn’t feel loved.

It sounds like there is something wrong with your mom. The explosive temper, the blame, etc. sounds like your mom may have a chemical imbalance or narcissistic personality disorder or something along those lines. My mom is similar in that she has an explosive temper and she never takes responsibility for anything- like the situation with your mom, my mom’s family always rallies to her side on things because if you don’t she will cut you off too.

Keep praying. It wasn’t until I actually resigned myself to knowing that my Mom would never speak to me again and just gave it up to God and sought counseling to help me accept it that things changed. It was literally the same week that I started counseling that my mom called me out of the blue.

I will add you to my prayers. I know how difficult this is. God bless you.

 

[Viki63]

Annie,
Consider thinking of it this way: if your mother had a broken leg, would you be upset with her for not baking you a cake for your birthday?
She has a broken mind, so cannot offer you the forgiveness, love and support you would like.
Find love and support from the people able to offer it, your husband first of all. He sounds like a fine man.

.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I was once told, when you do something wrong apologize once. If the person wants a second apology DON"T DO IT. It will just make you feel like you are always wrong.

If your mom can’t accept your first apology and you keep apologizing, YOU are sending the message she can blame you. Thus she continues to blame you

I had an abusive brother. I though long and hard about the consequences of cutting ties with him and came to the point where I was willing to accept any negative consequence that would result from cutting ties with him. My whole family saw me as the one in the wrong. 14 years later, I still don’t talk to him, he sees nothing wrong with what he did, my family sees me as the one in the wrong and EVERYTIME I look in the mirror, I can be PROUD of my strength to do what was best for me.

It’s up to you what you decided, but I can honestly say, cutting off family is not always a bad thing