I'm Catholic, but my Fiancee is Not. May Cause Problems In The Long Run

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pacoenelsaco

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I really do need some suggestions on this cause I’m really nervous about where my relationship may be going with her and we don’t want to lose each other cause we love each other very much.

I’m Catholic, born and raised. My fiance is Baptist. We were both raised in very different environments and were both taught different things growing up. Nevertheless me and my fiancee have our arguments from time to time, but most of the time we get along great. She’s not just my fiancee, but she’s literally my best friend. I can talk to her about anything and everything and we have so much fun being around each other. We both have so much in common and we love each other very much. But it seems as though whenever we get on the topic of Religion and Morality, a lot of times (if not most of the time)…it doesn’t go good. We end up arguing and not really to happy with one another cause we both believe in different things.

I mean there are some morality issues that we do agree on (such as Abortion), but a lot of other ones we don’t agree on. Like I informed her that even though she’s not Catholic, our kids have to be raised Catholic. And though she agreed, she still has a problem with that. And when it comes to voting, she was leaning more towards Barack Obama, but I tried to explain to her that it didn’t make sense that she would vote for him when he supports Abortion and all those other immoral acts. And just recently a friend of hers has asked her to be a surrogate mother for her and my Fiancee see’s no problem with that. But of course, I do.

There are more issues that we do and don’t agree one. But either way, recently we seem to argue more about these Religious and Moral issues and I can’t help but fear that our differences and our beliefs may be the cause of our seperation one day and I don’t want that. I mean no two people ever agree on everything, I know that. But still, these are issues that I feel as though are really important to me and my way of life. And I refuse to change my views and beliefs on these things because this is what I believe in and this is who I am and who I was raised to be. But she obviously see’s it differently and that causes tension between the two of us.

So how do you solve an issue like this? When you have things that are important to you and are a way of life for you, but the one person you care for and love more then anything in the world (with the exception of God of course), doesn’t agree with some of the important things you agree on?
 
Read some of the dozens of threads on here about “mixed marriages.” You’ll see that more often than not, it would be preferable to hook a car battery and electrodes to your (earlobes) than go through the hell of a mixed marriage. She may say she’s okay with raising kids Catholic now, but when she holds a precious new soul in her arms for the first time, will she REALLY be willing to raise a child as something she is opposed to? REALLY?

I have to be blunt here because you’re going down a path that could lead to a lot of hell for the both of you and your children. Get this resolved before the wedding. How? Start praying, and don’t stop. Pray together, and discuss–not argue, discuss–these issues. It’s certainly possible to have a healthy mixed marriage, but as for myself, I wouldn’t do it. In fact, my girlfriend was waffling about completing her RCIA classes, while at the same time giving me a timeline for a proposal. (Long story, but it worked well). I wasn’t going to give her an ultimatum, but I sure as HECK wasn’t going to marry a fundamentalist. In the end, she went through with it, became Catholic, and is now more of a zealous papist than myself. (That’s saying something).

My two cents: Don’t give up your faith and don’t marry outside the Church.
 
Mixed marriages CAN work. This girl is probably a peach. & BTW congrats on the engagement.
If anything happends to the Baptist I’m married to now I will NOT marry another Protastant. Too many problems.
 
So how do you solve an issue like this? When you have things that are important to you and are a way of life for you, but the one person you care for and love more then anything in the world (with the exception of God of course), doesn’t agree with some of the important things you agree on?
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When a couple has different, but strong religious beliefs, you can’t solve it. If you think the tension is bad now, think what it will be when y’all are married? You gonna take the kids and go to the Catholic Church while she goes down the street to the Baptist? How do you feel about that? Her?

Inter Faith marriages can work, many do, but it can’t be denied they are a little less then a full Catholic Union. I cannot imagine not being married to a Catholic girl.

I say do a LOT of soul searching and prayer before you go down this road. I know you love her very much, but sometimes it ain’t enough in itself. BTDT got the T shirt.
And just recently a friend of hers has asked her to be a surrogate mother for her and my Fiancee see’s no problem with that. But of course, I do.
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I don’t understand this- does this mean she’s gonna have a baby for this couple??? Or she’s just gonna help out in some other kind of way?

Call me old fashioned, but when Debbie was in her child bearing years the only babies she was havin were those made be ME. :yup:
 
Everything everybody has told you up to this point is right on target. I am the protestant, my husband is the Catholic. And I say that from a protestant side (as most on here know me! lol) that it is VERY hard. I will repeat VERY HARD. Montanaman had me rolling laughing at the first part of his comment, but it is SOOOO true. I could not agree more with Dirk Skene…me being the protestant wouldn’t marry a Catholic again. Me marrying the Catholic is the reason that I am so torn and ended up on this website with a lot of questions and still honestly no answers, but I have met alot of Godly people here, who are very respectful to the protestants here with questions. But just speaking from being in a relationship where the religions are so different, it is very very hard and honestly somedays test alot of love. I know you are saying she is your best friend and so forth, but I here to tell you that I would not do it unless there was something resolved BEFORE the marriage. I would also tell her the same thing. She can tell you what she wants to about having a baby and it is okay to raise them Catholic. But as Montanaman said REALLY? I can answer that for her NO she is not serious! When she holds that life in her hands, those words are going to fly out the door. The reason I say that is, you state that she says she the kids can be raised Catholic, but she still has a problem with that. That is your first clue. She WILL have a problem with it, I promise you that. Obviously, I am not going to beat her down for wanting to or not wanting to sign the paper. I in my situation did NOT sign no paper, nor would I ever have signed. We also were not married in a Catholic church. So of course I know what most here would say about that, so no need to comment about that, believe me I have been here enough to know what is thought of that. However, my husband chose to marry me anyhow. However, I wish I would have really stumbled on this website before our marriage. There has been so much I have learned about Catholics since being here. I think I was so much like you, IN LOVE, he is my best friend, that ahhh heck, I believe in God and you believe in God, everything will be A OKAY! And I never really knew there was that big of a difference, but there is. Like I said before, listen to what your fellow Catholics tell you, they are telling you the truth. A marriage can make it, mine is going to, but not without alot of heartache. I did marry my best friend and the love of my life, but it could have been a lot better, if we both had sit down and talked a lot more about things. I wish you and your fiancee all the blessing in the world and hopefully something can be worked out.
 
Two questions:
  1. Rolltidefan, have you changed any of your opinions about Catholics or particular Catholic doctrines, for better or worse, throughout the course of your marriage, and how did that affect it?
  2. Could we maybe get a few more Alabama people on this thread?!?!? LOL
 
You are correct, no two people will agree on everything. But two people considering building a life and family together should agree on the most important things. And, how you will live out your faith as a couple and raise your children is THE most important thing two people should consider when contemplating marriage.

So, yes, you are correct that this is a very big problem and it may not be one that you can “solve.” Faith is not something you can compromise on.

This may be the thing that causes you to realize that you two, while good friends, are not meant to be husband and wife.
 
I am a Catholic (devout) married to a devout Lutheran.

I think we need to make a distinction between religion and moral issues.

I can deal with being different faiths. Stalk my posts I comment on these types of threads a lot. We have a system that works well for us.

However that said I could not be married to someone who had different morals than I.

You can be different faiths and have the same morals. We are both against artifical birth control, abortion, invitro fertilization. We both support religion, abstinence education,etc.

I couldn’t compromise on the morals issue. No matter if the person was Catholic or Southern Baptist or as it turned out Lutheran.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.
 
Rolltide said:
Two questions:
  1. Rolltidefan, have you changed any of your opinions about Catholics or particular Catholic doctrines, for better or worse, throughout the course of your marriage, and how did that affect it?
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Well, I probably cannot fully answer that at this point, as I am still everyday searching for the truth. I believe at this time, I am where God wants me to be. I came here searching to better understand what my husband is. I guess the easiest way to say it is, I am here looking and I understand, but I don’t agree. Of course we all have the main important facts the same as Chrisitians and then I believe we are fighting over all this little man made stuff that probably means nothing to God, just benefits men. With that being said, there are Godly people on here who I have learned alot from them with their loving Christ like attitudes.
Rolltide said:
  1. Could we maybe get a few more Alabama people on this thread?!?!? LOL
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YAY!!! Lets get some more…ROLLLLTIDDEE!!! They can all come to Sweet Home Alabama!
 
I would recommend that you study what a catholic, sacramental marriage is supposed to be. If you plan to raise children together, two different faith/moral views can be a nightmare. Children change everything! If you and your wife on not on the same page as to how their souls will be formed, your children may end up with nothing.

Love draws two people together, but there really is more to a successful marriage and family. It’s sort of like a business in a way.

Nothing is impossible, but for children’s sake don’t go into a marriage with more hopes than realities.
 
Yeah, I definetly do need to sit down with her and set up some ground rules on how we’re to raise our kids when their here (If the good Lord allows us to have kids in the future). I mean we have agreed on how they are to be raised, but not in the religious sense. So I’m definetly going to have a talk with her about that. I mean our relationship is very strong. So I’m pretty sure we’ll make it no matter what. But it’s still good to be prepared. And yes, I have been praying about this for a long time now, lol. But I really appreciate the advice guys. Thanks a lot 🙂
 
BamaRider said:
I don’t understand this- does this mean she’s gonna have a baby for this couple??? Or she’s just gonna help out in some other kind of way?

Call me old fashioned, but when Debbie was in her child bearing years the only babies she was havin were those made be ME. :yup:
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No, it doesn’t mean she’s GOING to. It means that she has a friend of hers who is infertile (has been for a long time now), and she thinks of my fiancee as a sister. So she wanted to know if it was cool with us if my fiancee became a surrogate mother for her. As in they use IVF to place a baby in my Fiancee, she carries the child, and then gives it back to her. Which I think is complete and total ludacris and I’m completly against that. But my fiancee doesn’t seem to mind and sees it as “Helping someone who has been there for her through a lot.” And feels as though good people who want to have kids should be allowed to have kids in some kinda way and doesn’t see anything wrong with that.

I haven’t really brought up my side of the story yet (and in a way I don’t want to cause I know it’s not gonna end up being a pretty discussion and she already knows I’m not cool with that), but she keeps insisting that we have a talk about it. I mean if she asks again, I’ll tell her. But for the most part I’m just trying to ignore this and hope that she’ll forget about this. Cause knowing her the way I know her, she most likely will forget about it. Besides, if this whole surrogate thing went down (which it better not), it wouldn’t be happening until years from now anyways. So in that time, she has to forget about it, lol. But if she doesn’t oh well, I’ll tell her how I feel…though I don’t think it’s going to help anything…
 
pacoenelsaco said:
Yeah, I definetly do need to sit down with her and set up some ground rules on how we’re to raise our kids when their here (If the good Lord allows us to have kids in the future). I mean we have agreed on how they are to be raised, but not in the religious sense. So I’m definetly going to have a talk with her about that. I mean our relationship is very strong. So I’m pretty sure we’ll make it no matter what. But it’s still good to be prepared. And yes, I have been praying about this for a long time now, lol. But I really appreciate the advice guys. Thanks a lot 🙂
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You really do need to be prepared and talk about all these things. The problem is thought that having a child changes a person. It makes you rethink things. Even promises to a spouse about how you’d want to raise a child. With a religious difference there is the matter of conscience. Often a protestant will experience a violation of conscience after the child is born when it comes to contemplating raising that child catholic and vice versa . Despite all your preparations and assurances now you may experience this as well.
 
Seatuck said:
You really do need to be prepared and talk about all these things. The problem is thought that having a child changes a person. It makes you rethink things. Even promises to a spouse about how you’d want to raise a child. With a religious difference there is the matter of conscience. Often a protestant will experience a violation of conscience after the child is born when it comes to contemplating raising that child catholic and vice versa . Despite all your preparations and assurances now you may experience this as well.
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That may well be the case…but I’m willing to take that chance. Ya never know what is going to happen until you give it a try. It may be that what you said may happen, or it may not happen. So all you can do really is try your best to be prepared, talk things out, try to have a plan, and then just pray and hope for the best and leave it in the hands of God.

I mean we’re happy together and we love each other. And I’m not gonna hold back on my happiness just cause of what COULD happen, ya know? I mean I can’t live my life fearing for the worst all the time and never taking any risks. Cause if I did that, I’d never truly live. No one would.

So I’ll definetly talk to her and try to come up with a plan. We’re very supportive of each other and one good thing about our relationship is that whenever we argue, we always find a way to talk and smooth things out. So we’re very understanding of each other and I’m confident in the fact that things will work out with me and her. And if they don’t, I may be sad and depressed for a good long while. But at least I’d be confident in the fact that it was not my fault and it wasn’t because I didn’t give it a sincere try…
 
How old are y’all? Or did I miss that?

I’m not tellin ya not to do it, but I sense from your posts you think this stuff just goes away, or just works itself out. My son has a tendency to do that. I’m just sayin you should be as happy in your life as you can be, and if you’re a devout Catholic, love your Church and your Faith, you don’t want religion to be a struggle in your home.
No, it doesn’t mean she’s GOING to. It means that she has a friend of hers who is infertile (has been for a long time now), and she thinks of my fiancee as a sister. So she wanted to know if it was cool with us if my fiancee became a surrogate mother for her. As in they use IVF to place a baby in my Fiancee, she carries the child, and then gives it back to her. Which I think is complete and total ludacris and I’m completly against that. But my fiancee doesn’t seem to mind and sees it as “Helping someone who has been there for her through a lot.” And feels as though good people who want to have kids should be allowed to have kids in some kinda way and doesn’t see anything wrong with that.
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This right here is big, and a sign y’all are not on the same page. Your’e hoping she’s just gonna forget about this? What if she doesn’t? You gonna roll the dice? I’d sit her down and tell her if ya gonna marry ME,* don’t even think about it*. But that’s just me, but one of the reasons, my wife was attracted to me in the beginning, I WILL make a deceision and not hem and haw, which I think is what you need to do.
I mean we’re happy together and we love each other. And I’m not gonna hold back on my happiness just cause of what COULD happen, ya know? I mean I can’t live my life fearing for the worst all the time and never taking any risks. Cause if I did that, I’d never truly live. No one would.
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I’m with ya on this, I mean I ride motorcycles all over the country, prolly more risky than taking the bus, but look at all the fun, and things I get to see. But a relationship is not the same bro. There could be a beautiful Catholic girl out there just waiting, or could be nice protestant girl that converts when she meets YOU when you expose her to how awesome it is being Catholic, heck I dunno if any of that is true, but you’ll never know going down the road you’re on. The young lady sounds pretty adamant about who she is and what she wants, nothing wrong with that, she’s being honest.
 
Well by the time we get married I’ll be 23 and she’ll be 21.

And like I said, if she brings it up again, I’ll gladly tell her my side of the story. And I’m going to explain to her that I don’t support that one bit and I won’t accept that if she’s going to be married to me. But I know it’s not gonna end up being pretty if I come at her like “If your gonna marry me THIS is how it’s gonna be”. If I assume that attitude with her, then all hell breaks loose. Because she takes that as me trying to dictate to her how to live her own life when she’s her own person. So it’s not gonna be pretty and I’m not the kind of person who likes to argue. But I’ll let her know how I feel…if she asks again…
 
Normally, I would tell you that mixed marriages can and do work. But WORK is the key word…My husband and I have put a lot of time and discussion into making our mixed marriage work.

I love the beauty that both traditions bring to our home, but we are a Lutheran/ Catholic couple, and the doctrine there is a LOT closer than Baptist/Catholic. My husband and I are completely alligned on almost every moral issue we have encountered. If you and your future spouse are not that is going to add a whole new level to the things you will need to work out.

You guys really need to examine your relationship and you should get a good marriage counselor and do some premarital counseling. I might even recommend finding a counselor from both faiths, and possible a neutral one to help you. My husband and I have talked to many people trying to set up a practical framework for our marriage and raising children.

As for the surrogate mother thing. You have to talk to your fiancee about her reasons why, and also let her know that you are not 100% comfrotable with this situation. Ask her reasoning and listen to her, and let her know your concerns too. I have never encountered this situation before, but at age 11 I did live through watching my struggle with infertility to get my sister. It is a heartbreaking prospect and is very painful to go through. She may be trying to help her friend cope with this, and that is a very honorable thing. Try to get both of your feelings about the matter on the table before you make any decisions. You might also seek out other couple who have done this in your community and talk to them as well.
 
pacoenelsaco said:
That may well be the case…but I’m willing to take that chance. Ya never know what is going to happen until you give it a try. It may be that what you said may happen, or it may not happen. So all you can do really is try your best to be prepared, talk things out, try to have a plan, and then just pray and hope for the best and leave it in the hands of God.

I mean we’re happy together and we love each other. And I’m not gonna hold back on my happiness just cause of what COULD happen, ya know? I mean I can’t live my life fearing for the worst all the time and never taking any risks. Cause if I did that, I’d never truly live. No one would.

So I’ll definetly talk to her and try to come up with a plan. We’re very supportive of each other and one good thing about our relationship is that whenever we argue, we always find a way to talk and smooth things out. So we’re very understanding of each other and I’m confident in the fact that things will work out with me and her. And if they don’t, I may be sad and depressed for a good long while. But at least I’d be confident in the fact that it was not my fault and it wasn’t because I didn’t give it a sincere try…
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Sometimes before kids come along all conflicts seem to be thought about at just between you and your spouse as if that’s all it will ever be. Actually when kids come it isn’t about just you two (by a long shot) anymore. When I married my husband I had been raised Catholic but fell away from the church in my teens. My husband was agnostic. Religion wasn’t a really issue at all until I became pregnant. Suddenly (and quite strongly) my faith became very important to me and my husband was a bit shell shocked. I’ve seen it happen over and over im married couples I know-religious difference aren’t a big deal -until the kids come.

Please don’t brush it aside as “we can get through anything”. You don’t want your kids in the middle of a religious tug of war -where they could end up with no faith at all. Little kids think their parents know everything -how do you explain that mommy believes differently? Is mommy wrong? Is daddy wrong? How can you believe different things and both be right? For instance Catholics believe the eucharist is the body and blood of Christ, protestants believe its symbolic. So daddy if the eucharist is the body & blood of Christ why doesn’t mommy believe that? Mommy can’t be wrong can she? I want to go to mommy’s church it’s more fun -we get to color and make crafts in the nursery/sunday school instead of just sit and be quiet. Why won’t mommy pray the Hail Mary with us? Is it a bad prayer daddy? That’s just a tiny example. Are you prepared to deal with that? The time is now to think about these things -not just cross your fingers and hope for the best. Your kids are more important than that.

In my case my husband converted two years after our daughter was born, but that doesn’t always happen. I thank God it did, I can’t imagine not being united in what we teach our daughter about faith.

Your counting on things going well, and if they don’t -your ok with putting your kids through that? Those little people you bring into the world deserve the best you can give them -not a “if it doesn’t work, I’ll be depressed but get over it.” What about them?
 
rayne89 said:
Your counting on things going well, and if they don’t -your ok with putting your kids through that? Those little people you bring into the world deserve the best you can give them -not a “if it doesn’t work, I’ll be depressed but get over it.” What about them?
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Ok, sorry for sounding rude, but did you not read what I wrote? I SAID me and her are gonna talk about this and try to come up with a plan. But if it doesn’t work, then what do you expect me to do? NOTHING in life is guaranteed. All I can do is (like I said BEFORE) talk to her before we get married, try to come up with a plan that we BOTH agree on how we are to raise our kids, and then just pray that it goes according to plan. That’s ALL a person can do. Like I said before, NOTHING in life is guaranteed. So even if we do come to an agreement on how to raise our kids and we stick by it, I don’t know what the future has in store for us. NOBODY does. For all I know, (and this is just a hypothetical situation) something may happen and we may end up leaving each other because things aren’t working. Now would that be my fault? As long as I did my best to raise those kids and to be a good husband/father, then NO. It’s not my fault. But I can’t go back in time and undo what happens. I gotta go with the reality. And REALITY is that NO ONE knows what their future holds. So you DO have to just hope and pray for the best. Because our lives are NOT in our hands. Their in the Lord’s hands. So as long as I do my best and stick with our agreement on how to raise our children, then all I can do from there is hope and pray for the best. And that’s all ANYONE can do.

My parents came up with a plan on how they were gonna raise me and my siblings. Did it work? No, they ended up getting divorced. Was I said? Yes. Did I wish that my parents never got divorced? Yes. Did I Feel uncomfortable seeing my parents seeing other people? To an extent, Yes. Did I get over it? YES. Did I die? NO…It was a terrible experience for my family to go through that, but life doesn’t end there. And I’m not mad at my parents because I KNOW they gave it their BEST. Despite the fact that it didn’t work out, they TRIED to follow their plan. And I feel no anger towards EITHER of them.

So you see? Even if you come up with a plan, sometimes it doesn’t work. So ALL a person can do is their best and then just leave it in the hands of God. If you have a different perspective on life, that’s your own belief. But don’t come at me trying to make me sound like I don’t CARE about our kids futures Rayne. My religion is EVERYTHING to me and I want nothing more then to teach them the same values my parents taught me and I AM. I just have to find some common grounds with my Fiancee before hand. But I can’t GUARANTEE that things will work out. NO ONE can. All you can do is your best…and pray to God and have faith in Him that He will do what’s best for you in the end…
 
pacoenelsaco said:
All I can do is (like I said BEFORE) talk to her before we get married, try to come up with a plan that we BOTH agree on how we are to raise our kids, and then just pray that it goes according to plan. That’s ALL a person can do. Like I said before, NOTHING in life is guaranteed.

So you DO have to just hope and pray for the best. Because our lives are NOT in our hands. Their in the Lord’s hands.

All you can do is your best…and pray to God and have faith in Him that He will do what’s best for you in the end…
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**What you seem to be missing is the fact that we all have free will. God can only work in our lives when we allow him to. So, by entering into something that is already showing big red warning flags and then putting our trust in God we are basically forgetting our responsibility for making prudent choices and dumping it all in God’s hands. God will not step in to save someone from themselves…they have to work WITH Him.

You are right, no one knows the future… but to use that as an excuse to turn a blind eye to big warning signs is not very smart. Kind of like seeing a road sign that says “dead end” but not slowing down… I mean, since we don’t know the future then we don’t know that the road will still be a dead end when we get there…

God lets us make mistakes. But He doesn’t want to see us, or our children hurt. If you put God at the top of the priority list and really listen to what He wants for your life, you can’t go wrong…
**
 
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