Im confuse...pray for me!

[Azael89]

Hello brothers and sisters.

I am not sure where to start.
You see, Lust is the strongest temptation that had attacked me, and still does. I grew up going to church and I knew God, but didn’t live life God’s way.

Since I was a little kid in elementary, I was already falling to Lust. I was like 8 years old or maybe less when I got my first sexual experience. My female cousin, who was a year older, encourage me to have sexual relations with her. She told me she hide and saw her parents doing it, and she want it to try it. She want it to try what she saw on me, but she didnt know what was call back then. What she did on me was oral sex. Of course, I could not feel any pleasure yet because I was so young, but it got stock in my head. Later on I started to feel pleasure and really like it, so I started doing the same thing that my cousin showed me, to my other cousins. For what ever reason, none of them seen to remember, but I still do.As I grew older, I never had any more sexual relation with my cousin because I started to realise that it was wrong, so I stopped. I did feel like having sex with other people but I didnt.

Later on, I started to watched pornography. I got really addictive to it. I masterbated everyday all the time. I compared myself to those pornstars and felt inferior to them because of their body. I started wish I had their body so I can satisfy a woman like they did.

Many bad things happened to me as I grew up: Many of my family members got separated, economy problems, I got suspended from college and much more.

Until one day I had enough. I felt something in my heart that told me to stop and get closer God. Since then, I started to go to church and got closer to God. Everyday I try to live life God’s way. My life changed so much. I got new friends that go to church with me. Before I always asked got to one day to have good friends and he finally answer my prayers. I never felt so good, until one day I felt to Lust again. This time I didn’t stay down.
Lust was always trying to find ways to make fall, but everytime I did, I prayed to God and asked for forgiveness and got back up. I asked God to take control of my actions, words, and thoughts. I want to try to get close to God as much as possible before I get married to do the right things in marriage.

The devil knew he was losing ways to make me lust, but he found another way. I know that sex in marriage is for unitive and procreation, and that the pleasure we get during sex is a gift from God. The devil was trying to make me think this pleasure was so important and he succeeded just like before. I started to search and learn positions and techniques to give great pleasure to my wife when I get married. I started focused to much on my sexual organ and wished it was bigger to satisfy my wife. This were all the ideas that I got before when I watched porn and they were coming back. I didn’t forget the unitive and procreation part of sex, but I was focusing to much at the least important part of sex, pleasure.

Today I went to church, and while listening to the word of the lord, i felt something in my heart and started crying. I told the lord that I want to forget about everything that is happening and I want to get even closer to him and serve him. I also ask him for forgiveness.

Im starting to wonder that maybe marriage is not for me. I always told God that I want to love a wife and be able to form a family with her, but all these lustful thoughts of trying to satisfy my wife when I get married are making me sin. Maybe I should stay single and serve God. Im not sure. Im so confuse.

May I ask everyone to please help me pray so I can find my answer. Please.

 

[Mustang1971]

You have my prayers! I know the challanges of fighting all the lustful thoughts and all the junk that goes with it! My thoughts would be to continue to grow closer to God and pray for guidance. God may be helping you to purify your mind so that if you are called to marriage you will be a good husband. You never know what God has planned for you, just trust!

 

[Jesus_is_savior]

Do you want to know how to be saved? Jesus can change you. Stop trusting in man and church and put your trust in Jesus Christ alone. The Word of God says, for there is but one mediator between God and man, the man Christ Jesus. It also says, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead you shall be saved. For, whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved!!!

 

[nahbios]

May God bless you, Azael89. As for what Jesusissavior said, we do need the Church to help us along. Go back to the Church Fathers: the majority of what they say concurs with the teaching of the Catholic Church.

 

[CatholicGuy22]

Alot battle with the sin of lust! You are not alone brother!

Father,

Please help your servant overcome his addiction and draw him closer to you. Give him the grace he needs to do your holy will.

We ask this in Jesus name

amen

 

[ClayPots47]

Though your cousin’s reasons for engaging in sexual activity with you was that she hid and observed her parents engaging in sexual relations, I wonder if the truth is more akin to possible abuse. Because sexually abused children have been known to sexually act out with other children. The fact that she was sexually precocious and led you to become sexually precocious, just makes me wonder if there was more going on in her home life.

You didn’t say, but have you ever sought counseling for this? If I were you, I would ask your priest, or perhaps your area Catholic Charities, to give you referrals to competent Catholic therapists who specialize in counseling individuals who were robbed of their innocence at such a young age. I would also recommend that you find a priest who you feel comfortable with and consider using him as your confessor. Tell him your history and how this effects you now. This past early sexual experience has become a lot of baggage for you to carry, you need help to be able to let go of it. God often uses others to help us, He gives priests and counselors gifts to heal wounded souls and psyches; I urge to avail yourself of their services. Of course, above all, pray and/or do spiritual reading.

As to whether you are called to the single life or married life, prayer will help you to discern whatever direction you go; God is preparing you with the graces you will need to fulfill that vocation. He will bring good out of this; by Jesus death on the Cross, sin, death and even that sneaky ol’ devil was conquered. Immerse yourself in Our Lord’s Passion and entrust Him with this, knowing that His Grace is always sufficient. The Evil One cannot win as long as you keep turning to God and availing yourself of His Divine Mercy in the sacraments, especially Reconciliation.

I pray that you may be covered with the Precious Blood of Jesus, which was shed for our Salvation. May God grant you the grace you need to overcome these troubling lustful thoughts, so you may experience the Peace that can only come from him. Know that you are not alone in your struggle. :hug3: