I'm confused an need help! No absolution?

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It’s been years since I’ve confessed (although have gone to mass here and there without taking communion) so I thought what a better time than Lent to do it. I was nervous and even wrote my sins down so that I wouldn’t forget anything only to be told that he couldn’t give me absolution! I feel horrible!

I am a baptized Catholic with first communion and my spouse was brought up Catholic but never baptized (LONG story). We got married in a Christian non-denominational Church over 12 years ago and have 2 children who are baptized in the Catholic Church.

I’m heartbroken and have a few questions:
  1. I can’t take communion now, right? The whole reason for me confessing on Shrove Tuesday was so that I could take Communion during Lent and now I can’t do that!
  2. What steps do I need to take to have my marriage recognized by the Catholic Church?
    I was so taken aback that he didn’t give me absolution that I couldn’t even ask questions. We have only been married to each other (no previous marriages).
  3. I can still get ashes tomorrow I hope since the ashes are sacramental and not a sacrament, am I right?
I am so hurt and feel like the Catholic Church has shunned me because of this. (I do realize that I haven’t been a good Catholic by NOT going to Church but I thought the Church was always welcoming to everyone). What do we tell our kids now? That in God’s eyes we’re not married? It took a lot for me to go and confess and was literally shaking when I went in.

I am beside myself with shock right now and would welcome any replies.
 
I am sorry that you are going through this. “Coming home” can be very difficult, and yes,
at times it can feel like the Chruch is doing her best to push you away.
That is what the Evil One wants you think. Don’t let him win!

You are likely to get a lot of advice, much of it seemingly conflicting.
My best advice, take what you have written here, contact your priest, and tell him you would like to talk to him about a “pastoral matter”.
Lay your cards on the table, then listen to and pray about what the priest tells you to do.

Peace be with you on your journey home.
I will pray for you & your family. :gopray2:
 
I am sorry that this happened to you. And I am glad that you are ready to come back “home” to the Church! Also glad you found this forum.

Yes, you can get ashes tomorrow.

I would suggest that you make an appointment with a priest in your parish, immediately. That is your best source to know what your course should be from here on out. Please do not feel that the Church is shunning you! I know that you are in shock right now because things did not go as you expected them to, but I hope that the priest was at least kind and had some suggestions for you. Did he tell you specifically that it was because of your marriage outside the Church, that he cannot absolve you of your sins?

I am very glad that neither of you have previous marriages - that complicates things x 1000. I do not think this will be too complicated but you really have to go and talk to the priest first.

:console:
 
cameback said:
It’s been years since I’ve confessed (although have gone to mass here and there without taking communion) so I thought what a better time than Lent to do it. I was nervous and even wrote my sins down so that I wouldn’t forget anything only to be told that he couldn’t give me absolution! I feel horrible!

I am a baptized Catholic with first communion and my spouse was brought up Catholic but never baptized (LONG story). We got married in a Christian non-denominational Church over 12 years ago and have 2 children who are baptized in the Catholic Church.

I’m heartbroken and have a few questions:
  1. I can’t take communion now, right? The whole reason for me confessing on Shrove Tuesday was so that I could take Communion during Lent and now I can’t do that!
  2. What steps do I need to take to have my marriage recognized by the Catholic Church?
    I was so taken aback that he didn’t give me absolution that I couldn’t even ask questions. We have only been married to each other (no previous marriages).
  3. I can still get ashes tomorrow I hope since the ashes are sacramental and not a sacrament, am I right?
I am so hurt and feel like the Catholic Church has shunned me because of this. (I do realize that I haven’t been a good Catholic by NOT going to Church but I thought the Church was always welcoming to everyone). What do we tell our kids now? That in God’s eyes we’re not married? It took a lot for me to go and confess and was literally shaking when I went in.

I am beside myself with shock right now and would welcome any replies.
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THe church has not shunned you. Here’s the basics:

Catholics are bound to canonical form in their marriage. You married outside the church…in essence “shunning” the church. Your marriage is not valid, therefore you are continuing to live in a state of sin. The reason you cannot be absolved, is that you have to have intent to actually stop the sin. (relations with someone you are not married to).

You can rectify this by making an appointment with the priest to get your marriage convalidated. You can elect to stop marital relations until this time, and therefore receive communion again (talk to your priest about this). Once your marriage is convalidated, you are good to go.
 
Have you considered making a private appointment with a priest to discuss the issues you speak in a more detailed manner outside the sacrament of confession?

I’m sure if you discuss your sincerity and seriousness in front of a priest he won’t stir you in the wrong direction. Perhaps the priest wants to see just how serious the intentions of your heart is. Its not a matter of bringing judgment upon you.
 
I am so sorry that your priest handled this poorly. He should have offered to speak with you about your marriage situation outside the confessional, to understand all the details and properly inform you on how to make it right.

This can be resolved - you just need to make an appointment with your husband to see the priest and discuss your situation.

Although I do have to say that I am glad that the priest didn’t just tell you that all is well and nothing to worry about. We hear about that happening too, only for the poor person to find out later that they have been told everything is fine when their marriage is completely invalid.

A little bit of both the truth, and some assistance, would have been a nicer way to handle it. 😉

You will be fine - just get it all sorted out with your priest, and then soon you will be able to participate fully in the sacraments.

~Liza
 
Yes you can receive ashes. Ashes on Ash Wednesday are a Sacramental, not a Sacrament.

You are married civilly, in the eyes of the government. Your marriage is not a Sacramental Marriage, blessed by God, because at the time of your marriage, you chose to leave God out of the process.

You cannot receive communion because you chose to be out of communion with the Body of Christ when you married outside the church.

God wants you to be reconciled. Confession was the first step. Someone else explained you cannot receive absolution because you are currently living with your spouse in a civil marriage.

You need to talk to a priest about having your marriage validated. This might be a time to talk to your spouse about joining the church. Inquire about RCIA, catechism for adults. This Easter my parish is receiving 11 adults into Baptism!

Returning to the church when you have been away is kind of like repairing a relationship with a family member…say there was a feud and for 10 years you didn’t talk to your mother. Suddenly you realize this was silly and you call your mom. She is glad you called but maybe by ignoring her, you also hurt your father and your siblings. You would need to take steps to fix those broken relationships before you could have one big happy family feast with everyone around the table.

Welcome Home!
Welcome Home!
 
cameback said:
I am so hurt and feel like the Catholic Church has shunned me because of this. (I do realize that I haven’t been a good Catholic by NOT going to Church but I thought the Church was always welcoming to everyone). What do we tell our kids now? That in God’s eyes we’re not married? It took a lot for me to go and confess and was literally shaking when I went in.
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Its distressing, but your priest was very brave and quite right to not give you absolution. The Church is happy you want to return, but needs to be firm about certain rules, one of which is marriage. As a Catholic, you really ought to have been married in the Catholic Church, and having not done so puts you in a pickle. Not being properly married is a serious problem, and the Church’s discipline for such an incident is to deny you confession and the Eucharist until this matter is resolved.

Basically, what you need to do is talk to your priest and schedule a private wedding ceremony (sometimes called a convalidation), which make you properly married before God. It doesn’t need to be elaborate; it can be simply be you, your wife, the priest, and two witnesses (no expensive “second” wedding necessary). Your priest may also ask you to take marriage prep classes, which will help you understand why you need to be married in the church, and could also be a good Lenten penance to help ease you back into the Church.

By the way, you could certainly receive Ashes, as they are simply an outward sign of our struggle against sin and our hope in the resurrection of the dead at the end of time.
 
How wonderful that you have begun your process back into full union with the Church.
You will be even more joyful than you imagine when the moment comes that you know you are in full unity with the Church. That is truly worth moving towards.

Our love and prayers as you find your way into full communion with the Church!
May the Lord console you and gently wipe away your tears.
 
Your spouse wasn’t baptized then, right? If that’s the case, can’t the marriage be easily convalidated?
 
cameback said:
It’s been years since I’ve confessed (although have gone to mass here and there without taking communion) so I thought what a better time than Lent to do it. I was nervous and even wrote my sins down so that I wouldn’t forget anything only to be told that he couldn’t give me absolution! I feel horrible!

I am a baptized Catholic with first communion and my spouse was brought up Catholic but never baptized (LONG story). We got married in a Christian non-denominational Church over 12 years ago and have 2 children who are baptized in the Catholic Church.

I’m heartbroken and have a few questions:
  1. I can’t take communion now, right? The whole reason for me confessing on Shrove Tuesday was so that I could take Communion during Lent and now I can’t do that!
  2. What steps do I need to take to have my marriage recognized by the Catholic Church?
    I was so taken aback that he didn’t give me absolution that I couldn’t even ask questions. We have only been married to each other (no previous marriages).
  3. I can still get ashes tomorrow I hope since the ashes are sacramental and not a sacrament, am I right?
I am so hurt and feel like the Catholic Church has shunned me because of this. (I do realize that I haven’t been a good Catholic by NOT going to Church but I thought the Church was always welcoming to everyone). What do we tell our kids now? That in God’s eyes we’re not married? It took a lot for me to go and confess and was literally shaking when I went in.

I am beside myself with shock right now and would welcome any replies.
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Convalidation! Talk to your priest about it…I was almost in the same spot you were…it was a simple renewal of vows.

You say your were baptized…and had first communion…were you ever confirmed? That is separate from what was talked about above…
 
When I came back to the church I was in a similar situation. Except I had to wait for my wife’s first marriage to be annuled (lack of form) before we could be convalidated. And for some reason that took 4 months to complete. So I had to wait during those 4 months without receiving communion. Boy was that hard.

I could have gotten mad and left the church (again). I considered it briefly. And I had the same feelings you have now. But I stuck it out and waited patiently for the convalidation, and it was worth it.

Please do not feel discouraged. A convalidation is simple and easy and once you have it done you can be absolved and receive communion. It will be worth it, and make you appreciate the eucharist even more.
 
cameback said:
It’s been years since I’ve confessed… I can’t take communion now, right?
Click to expand...
You can take the Eucharist with your eyes. Consider it a great opportunity to deepen your spiritual capacity. Give God time to work with you. It’s clear as day to me that He has particular road He wants you to go on.

Adoration of the Most Blessed Sacrament is a FANTASTIC thing to do. Fancy yourself a young artisan who must watch the master over and over go about His Work. The Eucharist is the Opus Dei (The Work of God). The Eucharist is His Will on Earth as in Heaven. He is giving you Himself everyday. He is saying, “Here I am, over here. Come and sit with me while I pray.”

Find a church that keeps her doors unlocked and visit the Tabernacle for a few minutes each day. Soon you find that He will call you and tug at you like lover pokes and prods his spouse. It can be subtly annoying actually, but it is wonderful to take the tryst with Him a few nights or days per week.

Regarding you marriage: Believe it or not, you are in a pretty good situation. You see… your spouse isn’t Baptised. A Baptism fixes everything… Take it one step at a time, and you’ll do great!
 
First, I would like to thank everyone that has offered me their advice, it means the world to me and demonstrates why I want to focus on the Church.

The priest was very nice and explained why he couldn’t give me absolution and advised that I make an appointment to talk about it.

As I mentioned I was married in a Church just not a Catholic one. My spouse was brought up Catholic and even attended mass with grandmother as a child. Why the baptism never happened, I’m not sure why because siblings were baptized. Anyway, it seems that since my spouse was never baptized it will help our situation.

I am feeling much better today after having slept on it. I still can’t believe that I unknowingly committed a mortal sin and am considered to be doing that still until we get a convalidation.

I will keep you all in the loop as I hopefully get this matter resolved quickly.

God Bless!
 
cameback said:
First, I would like to thank everyone that has offered me their advice, it means the world to me and demonstrates why I want to focus on the Church.

The priest was very nice and explained why he couldn’t give me absolution and advised that I make an appointment to talk about it.

As I mentioned I was married in a Church just not a Catholic one. My spouse was brought up Catholic and even attended mass with grandmother as a child. Why the baptism never happened, I’m not sure why because siblings were baptized. Anyway, it seems that since my spouse was never baptized it will help our situation.

I am feeling much better today after having slept on it. I still can’t believe that I unknowingly committed a mortal sin and am considered to be doing that still until we get a convalidation.

I will keep you all in the loop as I hopefully get this matter resolved quickly.

God Bless!
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I’m sorry I overlooked the part of your question that said a Christian non-denominational church. That is good and then again not good, because as a baptized Catholic you were obligated to get married in the Catholic church. So it still looks to the church as if you removed yourself from the church. It may truly have been unintentional if you were not taught your obligations, and this can be resolved by talking to your priest. I will be keeping you in my prayers.
 
cameback said:
I still can’t believe that I unknowingly committed a mortal sin…
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snipped for space

Just a point of order here…
you cannot “unknowingly” commit a mortal sin.

For a sin to be mortal, all 3 of the following criteria need to be met-
-it must be grave matter
-you must know it is grave matter
-you must willingly do it anyway

Sounds like in your situation, you did not meet these criteria.

Peace & prayers to you!! 🙂
 
Oneofthewomen said:
snipped for space

Just a point of order here…
you cannot “unknowingly” commit a mortal sin.

For a sin to be mortal, all 3 of the following criteria need to be met-
-it must be grave matter
-you must know it is grave matter
-you must willingly do it anyway

Sounds like in your situation, you did not meet these criteria.

Peace & prayers to you!! 🙂
Click to expand...
At the time, but now, marital relations without a valid marriage can be a mortal sin. Which is why the OP can’t be absolved until either relations are suspended or the marriage is convalidated.
 
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