i'm considering divorce

[styrgwillidar]

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My husband is/was not happy about it.

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In the Navy, the discussion routinely comes up about what constitutes being unfaithful. The right answer is- whatever you know your spouse wouldn’t want you doing, could even be just dancing. It’s not about your opinion of whether that’s ridiculous, but whether you respect your spouse’s feelings enough to honor them.

I hope you extend the same courtesy to your husband in whatever activities he may choose to pursue regardless of your ridiculous position in not being happy about them. Whether it’s nights out dancing without you, or guns, or motorcyles, or skydiving, or solo weekends to get away and clear his head.

 

[GreyRabbit]

Along with all the great advice, I’d like to add that someone said about showing this woman a united marriage front (or something similar). I agree. I wonder if the two of you could maybe be together at the moment when this chick calls, or even make a call to her, put her on speaker, and both of you tell her how it is and how it needs to be. I don’t have the words but a lot of people here have said some good things. Just a thought.

 

[KristenMarie]

I completely understand what everyone is saying. We do not have any children and the affair was basically him talking to her about how much they like each other and that he loved her. There is a lot more detail but i think you understand what i’m saying. She was his friend first, then we kind of became friends. She was always a little distant from me but it never bothered me because they both shared a common interest of internet gaming so i just left them to it. I do forgive him. I can’t not forgive him. I so want it to work too! I am just sick to my stomach with fear of finding out more and being lied to more. I told him i don’t want to take any of his things away because i don’t want to live that way. When i first found out about it, he promised he would stop talking to her so he blocked all communication with her. But then i found out that she had been calling him. I never thought of blocking her phone number. They were talking on the phone for over a month numerous times. He tells me that he was trying to get rid of her but handled it badly. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I have been praying as much as i can. We have been through so much together. I know every marriage has hard times, but our hard times are shocking with things we have been through, not including this! I do not want to come off as innocent either. I did treat him badly for years. We are both victims of abuse for various things so that has had a huge impact on our marriage and we both handle our past completely different. Also, i forgot to mention, we have not had our marriage blessed yet either. We were going to do it this year since we just moved back to my home country and we wanted to wait for my family here to be able to attend. I personally don’t think that makes much of a difference as long as you do intend to have it blessed so i do still consider our marriage under God. Now i’m trying to decide if i want to go through with it or not. I never thought i would ever consider divorce and i shouldn’t threaten it either, I’ve just been a wreck so i haven’t been handling things appropriately. God bless you all. I appreciate your advice and support so much.

 

[KristenMarie]

If this were going on with me, I’m a guy by the way, I would want my spouse to tell me every time this other person contacted them and what was said. Let’s face it, the other person may be trying to remain contact even if he’s tried to stop it. Being weak, he isn’t strong enough or effective and is also afraid of informing you. Perhaps I give him too much credit.

You have pretty much said what my husband has told me. I also want to know everything that was said. It has slowly been coming out. I know he has been terrified to tell me and i know most of that is guilt, at least i’m hoping. I am just so heartbroken and still wounded from my own past that i don’t know what to do anymore. I just feel like being alone forever because i feel like i cant’ take being hurt by someone like this anymore. I am having so much doubt about anything that comes out of his mouth i can’t even think straight.

 

[LoveJesus13]

KristenMarie,

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I am not married but i wanted to tell you that I will be praying for you and your husband. May God grant you the wisdom and peace to know your next step. Is he Catholic by the way? I think now is the time to frequent adoration, pray the rosary together if he is Catholic. If he isn’t then maybe seek a marriage counselor. But don’t lose hope, attend daily mass on your own and speak to Jesus and Mama Mary. A friend told me that those doubts in our hearts are there for a reason. Now the time to pray harder than ever.

May peace be with you during this time. God bless you.

 

[KristenMarie]

KristenMarie,

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I am not married but i wanted to tell you that I will be praying for you and your husband. May God grant you the wisdom and peace to know your next step. Is he Catholic by the way? I think now is the time to frequent adoration, pray the rosary together if he is Catholic. If he isn’t then maybe seek a marriage counselor. But don’t lose hope, attend daily mass on your own and speak to Jesus and Mama Mary. A friend told me that those doubts in our hearts are there for a reason. Now the time to pray harder than ever.

May peace be with you during this time. God bless you.

Thank you LoveJesus. Yes,my husband is also Catholic.

 

[Markus2007]

I never thought i would ever consider divorce. I need advice about what to do. I found out about 3 months ago that my husband of 6 years (7 now) was having an emotional affair with a friend. Long story short, i caught him in the lie. Then for about 2 months he was considering leaving me because of how i was treating him previously. I did not treat him well and i admit that and have been getting help. During this time he was struggling with a huge relapse from his anorexia so was not mentally well at the time either. He has been getting help and is a lot better now thank god. Initially when the emotional affair happened i wanted a divorce. He apologized and i said i would make it work if he promises to stop talking to her. Well, i found out about a week ago that he had been keeping in contact because i found an email from her. When i confronted him he finally told me that she has been calling him. I asked him how long they’ve been talking and he said she called about four times while he was at work. He said he was trying to get rid of her. Well i just looked at the phone records and he has spoken to her about 30+ times between march and april and sometimes for over an hour. He is telling me he will sell his computer, change his phone number, get rid of his phone, and anything else, but I can’t take any more lies and I am numb with pain. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like i can ever trust him again. He keeps apologizing and he has stopped receiving calls from her the past 2 or so weeks but i seriously don’t know what to believe anymore. Please pray for me. I need help.

There is no such thing as a divorce from a Catholic perspective, the sacrament of holy matrimony is for ever and cannot be broken.

In certain cases, civil separation might be a good idea (spousal abuse) - however, in your situation I don’t see how this could be the case.

Yes, you have quite a few problems in your marriage. The answer to those problems though, is not to break your vows, but to uphold and uplift them! May I remind you of them:

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

What you are going through now are axactly these bad times.

Also remember, if you chose to separate, you may not “marry” again or have sexual relations with another person.

I pray that both of you will understand the holy sacrament of marriage and work on your relationship in love, as Christ taught us.

 

[The_Bucket]

Has he considered joining a group like SLAA? That’s a group for people who are “love addicts.” I don’t know if he necessarily qualifies as a love addict, but it might help.

The really key thing here is that you’re both victims of abuse. You’ve both been damaged by others and you both want the cycle to stop. I get it. I know. I was not abused but my father’s sex addiction is a major reason I have my own struggles. It’s a major reason one of my brother’s has a similar struggle.

You can’t fight it alone. You need help. Seek out a priest, a therapist and a group. All three. You need spiritual counseling, practical advice and a sense that you are not alone in this struggle. Reach out for help. People are just waiting to help you! I mean it!

 

[KristenMarie]

Has he considered joining a group like SLAA? That’s a group for people who are “love addicts.” I don’t know if he necessarily qualifies as a love addict, but it might help.

The really key thing here is that you’re both victims of abuse. You’ve both been damaged by others and you both want the cycle to stop. I get it. I know. I was not abused but my father’s sex addiction is a major reason I have my own struggles. It’s a major reason one of my brother’s has a similar struggle.

You can’t fight it alone. You need help. Seek out a priest, a therapist and a group. All three. You need spiritual counseling, practical advice and a sense that you are not alone in this struggle. Reach out for help. People are just waiting to help you! I mean it!

What you said really touched me, especially about people waiting to help us, thank you. What everyone has said to me has been exactly what i needed to hear. I am so thankful. I am still hurting but I let my pain take over. I am no longer thinking about divorce, or separation. I told him i want to work things out and start marriage counseling asap and pray together more. We always attend Sunday mass but we’re going to try and go to daily mass once a week together and go to confession more often too. One step at a time. Please keep us in your prayers. I am so scared of being betrayed again.

 

[Evania]

I’m so happy to hear about the positive steps you are both taking. By praying more often together and frequenting the sacraments, I’m sure you’ll notice a big difference. I’m praying for you!

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Kristen, my Grandfather had a woman/female platonic friend for many years while lovingly, happily and devotedly loving his wife; my Grandmother. It occurred after they had lost two children out of the 8 Children they had together during the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and 80’s.

When we visited my Grandparents on the farm, this woman would be present at times, out and about with my grandfather (she had lost her husband in her thirties), talking about the farm and stock side of things, people they all knew, shared the same sense of humour with my grandfather and she assisted my Grandfather from returning to alcohol that he had heavily consumed after his young adult son was killed in a truck accident.

She was a blessing and a good looking Lady at that! However, she never had an affair with my Grandfather, neither crossing that line, and you do realise whom the wisest person was during those times do you not? My Grandmother - happy he was being healed, happy he laughed, happy he had company doing his outside work, secure in the knowledge that she knew he loved her, respected her and would never wish to cross that line! He also loved all of my Grandmother’s work and activities she did in the local community, crotcheting, knitting, cooking, baking, sewing, cleaning and being there for one of their eldest daughters when she went through a marriage crises,

If it is a Christian woman with morals and values she follows through and that your husband follows through; you are both fine, However, if he goes behind your back, tell him straight, that he must discontinue this phone/computer relationship and find another person on the Eating Disorders website or wherever he has met the woman. There are many people to share his problem with, some of whom are men with the condition.

 

[KristenMarie]

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Kristen, my Grandfather had a woman/female platonic friend for many years while lovingly, happily and devotedly loving his wife; my Grandmother. It occurred after they had lost two children out of the 8 Children they had together during the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and 80’s.

When we visited my Grandparents on the farm, this woman would be present at times, out and about with my grandfather (she had lost her husband in her thirties), talking about the farm and stock side of things, people they all knew, shared the same sense of humour with my grandfather and she assisted my Grandfather from returning to alcohol that that’sad heavily consumed after his young adult son was killed in a truck accident.

She was a blessing and a good looking Lady at that! However, she never had an affair with my Grandfather, neither crossing that line, and you do realise whom the wisest person was during those times do you not? My Grandmother - happy he was being healed, happy he laughed, happy he had company doing his outside work, secure in the knowledge that she knew he loved her, respected her and would never wish to cross that line! He also loved all of my Grandmother’s work and activities she did in the local community, crotcheting, knitting, cooking, baking, sewing, cleaning and being there for one of their eldest daughters when she went through a marriage crises,

If it is a Christian woman with morals and values she follows through and that your husband follows through; you are both fine, However, if he goes behind your back, tell him straight, that he must discontinue this phone/computer relationship and find another person on the Eating Disorders website or wherever he has met the woman. There are many people to share his problem with, some of whom are men with the condition.

Thank you for your lovely story and advice holyrosarychild. But unfortunately my husband and this other women were exchanging inappropriate messages and was all behind my back. I caught him. For now I think he is no longer talking to her and he promised he will tell me if she contacts him again but I’m still struggling to trust that. I’m trying though. He also changed his phone number so that helps a little. Originally I had no problem with their frienship until I noticed things and eventually caught him texting her (i saw her name and tested him to see if he would lie or tell me the truth). He lied to my face saying he was texting his brother then refused to let me see his phone. That’s when everything came spilling out. Lots of stuff happened in between including the phone calls that I now know about but things are improving thank god.