I'm debra in "everybody loves raymond"

[Irishmom2]

I think that a command performance 2 times a week is too much. Sunday dinner with the family might be a non-negotiable in an Italian family (I am half Italian despite my username ) but Wednesday also is a bit over the line.

You and your wife need to come to some kind of compromise about Wednesdays. Maybe you go every other week, maybe once a month, maybe never. But it is something that you and your wife need to work out, not you “against” your wife and her family.

 

[Debbie58]

The fondest memories I have are of my Grandparents coming for dinner every week and getting to see them almost every day. My husbands family moved far away from his family so as not to be controlled by his dads mother. Tale of two very different families. My family was very close and my parents loved having family around and we loved having our grandparents close by. Fast forward 35 years…my Parents and Grandparents have all died. We only see hubby’s parents once a month, and they are fine with that. My kids are grown and married. I only see them about once a month. I’d give anything to be in your shoes!:sad_yes::sad_yes:

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Wow! You sound like my husband in your work habits. However, it’s my husband who has the “Everyone loves Raymond” family. The advice I have is that your work seems to the primary focus of your time, talent, and identity. Your wife is probably lonely, and is tuning to her family to fill what you cannot give her with your work duties. Even when you sacrifice to get up early for work, your are causing a deficiency in your sparkle to the marriage. By the time you get home, there is very little energy left for family (wife, children, or relatives).

I get it, men desire the respect they get at work. They get outward rewards and goals set before them for motivation. I would guess you worked a while before marriage, and are shocked at how much time, talent, and resources it takes to put in the family. This may drive you to seek validation back at work, further depleting your personality and making it harder to engage at home. I hear you say you want to recharge, but you are going to have to get out of your comfort zone to create ways you can visably see acknowledgement of time spent on the family. Your time given, will make your wife feel more secure to trust you over her family. If you examine your conscience and determine you cannot put in the time, then suck it up and let your wife have the security, acknowledgement, and identity she gets from her family.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

-]/-]Humble & humility may be graces that can help you ---- I would guess a man who invests so much time at work has developed much respect, honor, and prestige. Look back to when you started your job. You were probably near the bottom of the Totum Pole. It took time to develope trust, rewards, and promotion. It will take the same perserverience to earn your wife’s trust, rewards, and promotion .

Further, with extended family, you probably are humbled back to the restless feeling of low man on the Totum Pole. Elders (parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, ect) have always recieved a status of obedience. This is probably very uncomfortable for you, a man of independent respect. So, now comes the questions on how can you humble yourself And how can your wife elevate your authority and respect in the family. This is how you can dance in the marriage to make it better for all. It will take hypotheses, testing, new hypotheses, new testing, and hopefully a balance that works.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

BTW, if you goto your wife demanding respect, validation, rewards, and promotion … She’ll think you are sterilizing and objectifying the relationship. You need to examine your needs and then soften the words and actions ( rewards - ). I know, I’m taking you out of your comfort zone again … But it’s so worth it.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Addressing your fantasy of moving 1000 of miles away. This would be great for you but devastating for her. Think of it on the flip side if she wished you would get fired and you could both move in with her family allowing her to spend unlimited time with you and her family. Keep dreaming, but find dreams that will also make your wife happy.