Im Depressed: Graduate Research got me down

[Denise_Shae]

I’m probably going to get clobbered for saying this… but I WANT my husband to tell me what I want to hear.

Me: Do I look fat in this?
Him: No. Of course not - you look great. That’s what I WANT to hear, rather than: Yes - your butt looks a bit big.

Is this homemade pie I made as good as your Moms?
Yes. It’s delicious. You are a great cook! - rather than the truth which might be: Nah… it’s not nearly as good.

Can we turn off the TV & talk for awhile?? I miss you.
“Sure… I miss you too.” Even if it’s not true… I’d rather hear that over: UGGG… you’re killing me here… WHAT’S to talk about?? I’d rather watch TV.

Forget the truth… tell me what I want to hear if it makes me happy.

Edit: My husband of 15 years just told me that he doesn’t think my butt is big, I DO make good pie and he’s willing to talk (for a bit) rather than watch TV - so he says actually he’s NOT lying.

OK- me again. I don’t believe him. I think he does tell me what I want to hear - truth or not. Which is why we’ve been happily married for 15 years.

Hi Carol Marie,

RE: “Is this homemade pie I made as good as your Moms?
Yes. It’s delicious. You are a great cook! - rather than the truth which might be: Nah… it’s not nearly as good.”

During the first year DH and I were dating, I decided (with the help of my grandmother) to make him home-made Chocholate Chip cookies, from scratch. And I mean, literally, from scratch. Gram didn’t even let me use a mixer. Only my hand and a large spatula.

I was so excited, as this was the first time I made anything from scatch.

So, when he came over for dinner that evening, I proudly presented him with the fruits of my labor – a plate full of chocholate chip cookies.
As he was eating them, he didn’t say a word.
Finally, no longer able to resist, I asked him the dangerous question: “Are they as good as your mom’s?”
While I don’t remember his exact words (as I was only 18 at the time), I do remember it was a definite negative.

Over the course of your 21 year marriage, I’ve only made CC cookies a few times (Like when I accidently broke the window on the passanger’s door to our car, and other minor things that would aggravate him). Needless to say, they were the Pillsbury “Slice n’ Bake”.

Now, if he were smart, he would have compared them favorably to his mother’s, and I would have kept trying. (Unless they were so awful that he didn’t want me to continue trying?)

God Bless!

 

[carol_marie]

Hi Carol Marie,

Now, if he were smart, he would have compared them favorably to his mother’s, and I would have kept trying. (Unless they were so awful that he didn’t want me to continue trying?)

God Bless!

Oh Denise… too funny! I say start trying again from scratch! It’s funny though what sticks with us with regards to comments… I wonder if your husband regrets not praising your first attmepts?

To the other poster who gave the example of the new hairstyle that didn’t look good. I do not want my husband to take one look at me & say, “AAAAAK WHAT did you do to your hair? It looks AWFUL !!!” Even if that’s what he’s thinking… even if it’s true. What I do want him to say is: “You got your haircut… do you like it?” I say, “Yes… do you?” He says, “I think you look nice no matter how you wear your hair.”

There’s no fear that I’ll be spending the rest of my life with bad hair because guaranteed my kids will take one look at me and say “AAAAAAK WHAT did you do to your hair?”

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I hate to say this but I “edit the truth” with my wife in order to avoid confrontation or annoying questions. Most women like to put guys through the paces to prove a point…don’t mess with momma!!!

If a husband refuses to answer a question - interregation continues

If you say the wrong answer - her feelings are hurt, you’re in the doghouse

If you muddy the question with a vague answer - may get away with it or may not

If you tell her what she wants to hear - she is nice to you, and forgives you when you do what you want anyway because all men are just “little boys”.

The “men are little boys” thing is so patronizing, it drives me crazy, and the same with “whatever she says, just agree with her and then do what you want when she’s not looking.” I don’t know about the rest of the wives in this world, but I married a man. I expect him to listen to what I have to say, but don’t expect him to either agree with me or keep quiet.

I know that other people get to decide how to run their marriages, but when one spouse is happy to have a parent-child relationship with the other, I think something is profoundly wrong. My mom felt the same way, but maybe that is because my dad was unequivocally a grown up. Maybe you just have to marry somebody who agrees on that point.

But the trick is to stand your ground only on important issues and give the ol’ lady small victories on stuff like furniture, where to eat and what movie to watch.

My uncle, married to my aunt for over 50 years, says that he makes the major decisions and my aunt decides all the minor stuff.

Pause. “And I’ve been lucky, because so far nothing major has come up.”

 

[Scottgun]

At first reading I thought you were simultaneiously affirming an absolute while making an exception.

But on second reading, it sounds like you really think the spouse really must always blurt out just what is in his mind, provided he really thinks it! This is a recipe for marital discord!

If I believe my wife is ugly and say she is beautiful, that’s a lie.

If I believe my wife is beautiful, but (thinking to myself) perhaps not as beautiful as the doctored photo on the cover of *Maxim *magazine, or the bathing-suit girl who holds the round-number placard in the ultimate fighting ring on the Spike channel, and say she is beautiful, that’s not a lie.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

…
There’s no fear that I’ll be spending the rest of my life with bad hair because guaranteed my kids will take one look at me and say “AAAAAAK WHAT did you do to your hair?”

LOL, too funny

 

[OldAgeGuru]

I agree with this. I’m not married, but I’ve been dating my boyfriend for like 3 years. I can tell you that I don’t lie, I bite my tongue/ pick my battles. There’s just certain things you don’t say to each other. I ask if I’m fat, he’s auto response should be, I love you and you’re not fat. Because I’m not fat. If I got fat, like realllllllly huge, like half ton man huge, I would hope that he might tap me on the shoulder and lemme know I should step away from the Twinkies. I admit that I’ve put on about 10lbs since we started dating. But I’m still in single digit women’s sizes. So in truth he could say I’ve gotten fatter.

I don’t comment on how I hate his mother’s cooking which he loves. I eat it, and choke it down with some water, and after dinner excuse myself to the bathroom and choke down some TUMS.

To me there is a difference between being brutally honest, which often comes out as mean and cold, and being kind and shading the truth a little so it doesn’t burn as much when it’s told.

 

[Denise_Shae]

Oh Denise… too funny! I say start trying again from scratch! It’s funny though what sticks with us with regards to comments… I wonder if your husband regrets not praising your first attmepts?

I seriously doubt it, because about a year after that came the “Chocholate Cake Disaster” (dum-di-dum dum)

He loves chocholate and would always say, “the chocholatier, the better”. I took him literally.
I went to the market and got a box of “Double chocholate - something or other cake mix”.
Came home and started mixing it. Looked for everything and anything chocholate I could find in the house and added it to the batter. (Gosh, I still can’t believe I did it )
He came over that night, and I told him I made the dessert. I presented the cake; which looked really good on the outside. (I’m a good “icer”, you see. )
His mouth was watering. But after he tasted a piece of my cake, he needed a lot of Water, the poor man.

Then my dad tried a piece…I wish I had taken a picture of his expression. He didn’t say anything; he just froze for about 30 seconds.
By that time, my mom got the message and smartly declined dessert. Something about being stuffed from dinner.

Denise + Kitchen = Chaos

God Bless!

 

[newf]

Denise, you are funny!

Last night I served a detestable pork loin. My husband ate a piece and said nothing. I tasted a piece, took the food off his plate and mine and tossed it in the trash. He was grateful. He didn’t say anything about the food because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

Btw, I had some turkey coldcuts and we had that for dinner instead.

My husband also lies to me when I am crabby…he says “I love it when you are sweet like this”.

 

[Denise_Shae]

Denise, you are funny!

Last night I served a detestable pork loin. My husband ate a piece and said nothing. I tasted a piece, took the food off his plate and mine and tossed it in the trash. He was grateful. He didn’t say anything about the food because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

Btw, I had some turkey coldcuts and we had that for dinner instead.

My husband also lies to me when I am crabby…he says “I love it when you are sweet like this”.

Later on that night, my mom took me aside and asked: “How the heck could you mess up a chocholate cake from a box? All you needed to add was eggs and water to the mix.”
I told her what else I added, and she began to turn green and told me to stop talking.

Italian mothers just can’t understand how their daughters can be so inadequate in the kitchen.

I never did find the “Joy of Cooking”. I’d rather scrub toilets.
I think DH agrees with me. I get bathroom duty; he gets kitchen duty. And my kids are grateful.

God Bless!

 

[Ridgerunner]

So, then, all this talk about women wanting men to be “more open with their feelings” is just feminist bull. I knew it all along, but now the evidence is in. A real man is attuned to his wife’s feelings, not to his own. Keep a sock in it out there guys. You’re instincts were right all along!

 

[Ridgerunner]

One more thing. Don’t be fooled ladies by this assertion that when you ask men what we’re thinking and we say “nothing” that the full answer is really “nothing”. The unspoken rest of the sentence after “nothing” is “that you really want to hear”. If I answer truthfully, e.g., how if I sell this and buy that I can convert a deduction from ordinary income into capital gain and that the difference calculates, mentally, into $X, and that, however, if I bypass the gain with a Section 1031 exchange, I can push the gain forward and that if, in the meanwhile, I can trade an income of “X” to an income of “X + Y”, and finance the acquisition with the income (after taxes, of course) of Z, and that with both assets’ debt retired after so many years, she and I, or at least she, will be financially secure, and … Had enough? Threshold of pain reached yet?

When your husband says “nothing”, let it go.

 

[BioCatholic]

One more thing. Don’t be fooled ladies by this assertion that when you ask men what we’re thinking and we say “nothing” that the full answer is really “nothing”. The unspoken rest of the sentence after “nothing” is “that you really want to hear”.

That is definitlely true. I made the mistake of sometimes telling my Ex just how bad of a day I had. As a Medic, your average bad day ruins dinner and next day’s breakfast for the other person.

As for the research, I’d be interested in the statistical methods used to analyze the data. I know nothing about Sociology methodology, but statistics stays the same scross the board.

 

[psychologist101]

EEEEK! So many responses in so short of time

I just wondered why the researchers thought that those questions would give them the subtle answers that they are looking for: what are the siblings of gifted children really like.

In other words, I think these research projects are often designed so that the conclusions provide a simplistic, superficial understanding of the topic under study, because of the ambiquity and mystery surrounding complex human relationships usually defies a few “yes and no” questions.

What’s your thesis?

I see your point, however, those were not the exact questions, as this study is part of a larger study where those questions are being used again, and are designed by Us. We don’t want to reveal the exact working of the questions until the final publication (hopefully around February). It has been accepted with revisions pending.

1. The questions were designed by my advisor, a highly respected woman in Psychology and Dynamics research. They were independantly reviewed, critiqued, and revised by Faculty outside the study, outside the department, and outside the College of Arts and Sciences. All in all, 7 Senior Faculty reviwed them, 6 of which had no knowledge of what the Study was aimed at.
2. 5 grad students including me conducted the interviews, and then 4 undergraduates and one visiting faculty compiled the data blindly. Questionaires were coded so that no one compiling data knew the sex of the respondant, or which study they were part of. Compiled data was then sorted in SigmaStat by the key codes. When you (name removed by moderator)ut the right sequence, the key codes turn into sex, age, ect in pre-defined columns. Only then can you see everything broken down by gender, age, ect.

All in all I just posted a small snippet of what we found. Other data is so much more disturbing.

My general Thesis? I’ve always been fascinated by persons who turn out to be completely different than they appear to be. The BTK killer, family-man corporate Executives that rob people blind ect. I always wondered why these people can lead such “normal” lives, yet be completely transverse. I hypothesized generally speaking, that a high percentage of men in relationships/marriage are not what they always seem to be, and severely mask their feelings/thoughts to what is “expected” of them, and not who they truly are.

The first step is to gauge the perceptions of the marriage, what men are reallythinking, what the wives think, and what the men say in the presence of the wives, or when they think their responses will be known by others (not just the research staff). Thats just generalizing quickly, but I hope you get the picture.

 

[Ridgerunner]

BioCatholic:

We might be on a roll here! Let me try this one on the ladies. This really happened. Once my wife asked me what I was thinking. I must have looked preoccupied. It went like this. “Well, I was thinking instead of getting one of those expensive cyclone fences for the yard, I could rent one of those posthole diggers; then dig three foot holes, eight inches across; then run down to the farm supply store where they have a few ten-foot posts, six inches in diameter and enough rolls of game fence and several pounds of fence stapes; (be hell to lift. Have to get my son to help) then to the concrete contractor for limestone gravel to pack around the posts, (I’ll need a tamper. Saw one at the hardware store) and I’ll have a better fence than any cyclone fence, especially if I bury some thick stems of grape ivy right next to it; maybe alternating with morning glories. In a few years, there’ll be nothing like it…see, morning glories grow faster than grape ivy and…etc”

My wife’s eyes glazed over; she started getting kind of antsy and messing around with things on the table with her hands, then I realized she really didn’t want to know “what I was thinking” after all.

 

[carol_marie]

BioCatholic:

We might be on a roll here! Let me try this one on the ladies. This really happened. Once my wife asked me what I was thinking. I must have looked preoccupied. It went like this. “Well, I was thinking instead of getting one of those expensive cyclone fences for the yard, I could rent one of those posthole diggers; then dig three foot holes, eight inches across; then run down to the farm supply store where they have a few ten-foot posts, six inches in diameter and enough rolls of game fence and several pounds of fence stapes; (be hell to lift. Have to get my son to help) then to the concrete contractor for limestone gravel to pack around the posts, (I’ll need a tamper. Saw one at the hardware store) and I’ll have a better fence than any cyclone fence, especially if I bury some thick stems of grape ivy right next to it; maybe alternating with morning glories. In a few years, there’ll be nothing like it…see, morning glories grow faster than grape ivy and…etc”

My wife’s eyes glazed over; she started getting kind of antsy and messing around with things on the table with her hands, then I realized she really didn’t want to know “what I was thinking” after all.

Yep. You’re right. As soon as you said the words “farm supply store” - you lost her.

 

[Denise_Shae]

Yep. You’re right. As soon as you said the words “farm supply store” - you lost her.

You got that right.

On the flip side: I can’t tell you how many times I’d be curled up reading a book, and DH would come into the room and ask, “Whatcha’ doing?”
I literally look up at him, book in hand and say, “What’s it look like I’m doing?”

God Bless!

 

[jman507]

Nothing: ***** Well either Michigan or Ohio State will lose; USC loses to Cal, Flordia is beaten by W Carolina, Notre Dame loses to USC, Arkansaw loses to the SEC title game, and West Virgina beats Rutgers, we might just get to the National Championship. But wait where will Michiagan or Ohio State end up? Urrghhh… Let’s see…*******

 

[newf]

The unspoken rest of the sentence after “nothing” is “that you really want to hear”. If I answer truthfully, e.g., how if I sell this and buy that I can convert a deduction from ordinary income into capital gain and that the difference calculates, mentally, into $X, and that, however, if I bypass the gain with a Section 1031 exchange, I can push the gain forward and that if, in the meanwhile, I can trade an income of “X” to an income of “X + Y”, and finance the acquisition with the income (after taxes, of course) of Z, and that with both assets’ debt retired after so many years, she and I, or at least she, will be financially secure, and … Had enough? Threshold of pain reached yet?

Ridgerunner, this is so funny because it is practically EXACTLY what my husband said to me last night! My husband is into finance and numbers, so he was telling me about his day and he was saying technical things I couldn’t understand. So I said ‘honey, could you please put it in layman’s terms?’. And he said ‘sure, it’s like a P/E ratio…’ Okay, so I must be dumber than a layman because I don’t think in terms of P/E ratio and I still do not know what he was talking about…

 

[newf]

On the flip side: I can’t tell you how many times I’d be curled up reading a book, and DH would come into the room and ask, “Whatcha’ doing?”
I literally look up at him, book in hand and say, “What’s it look like I’m doing?”

This reminds me of my husband who came home from work early one day as I was taking the outside furniture to the basement for winter. He was in his suit standing there saying “what are you doing?” I huffed and puffed and said ‘what’s it look like I’m doing??’…of course I said it in a very grumpy way. Then he said he had something for me…I’m thinking ‘yeah, probably something for me to do for him’…Then he pulled out a small jewelry box from his pocket. My mood took a radical change. I opened the box and saw that he had bought me a beautiful new diamond ring for our anniversary. I put it on and was much happier as I continued moving the furniture…

 

[Denise_Shae]

This reminds me of my husband who came home from work early one day as I was taking the outside furniture to the basement for winter. He was in his suit standing there saying “what are you doing?” I huffed and puffed and said ‘what’s it look like I’m doing??’…of course I said it in a very grumpy way. Then he said he had something for me…I’m thinking ‘yeah, probably something for me to do for him’…Then he pulled out a small jewelry box from his pocket. My mood took a radical change. I opened the box and saw that he had bought me a beautiful new diamond ring for our anniversary. I put it on and was much happier as I continued moving the furniture…

I’d have responded differently, I think.
I would have said, “Hon…? Keep the diamond and help me with this furniture! NOW!” Or maybe, “Honey…? why don’t you put the ring back in your pocket and give it to me after you finish helping me bring this furniture down the basement.”
Ungrateful wench that I am.

But God Bless him, he’s a saint for putting up with me for 25 years. (We met in 1981)

The most easy going and accommodating guy I’ve ever met.

God Bless!