I'm destroying my family?!

[TOBaddict]

After a lifetime (I’m college age) of scapegoating and emotional abuse, I decided to move out of my narcissistic parents’ house. I told them at dinner and things got physically abusive in public (my dad pinned me to a wall and threatened to take me home “kicking and screaming”). They stole all my money out of the bank (it was a joint account, so I can’t really do anything) and texted me that they’re cutting me out of their lives because they’ve accepted that I “don’t love them.”

This was almost a relief, but I called my grandparents and they were both crying. Apparently, my mom got to them first and told them ridiculous lies about how I’m living with heathens or whatever. They were upset and warned me not to do it, but they said they loved me and asked if I could come visit because they miss me. I don’t really care about my immediate family, but it broke my heart to know my grandparents are upset.

Today, my mom was texting begging me to come home because they love me. I gave her an ultimatum that we either meet with my therapist to work this out, or I’m not even considering coming home. My dad refuses to take an hour out of his time to compromise for the good of his family and meet my request. They said I was being hateful and wanted to know what they’ve ever done wrong. My sister then texted how dare I make “demands” of the parents who “deserve nothing but love and respect,” how important family is, that I’m being immature, and that I’m rejecting them. I told them I can’t have a relationship with someone who won’t compromise on an hour of their time.

I was wondering, is moving out really worth losing my entire family? Or is the dysfunction finally coming to the top and now is my chance to get out? I don’t really care about my sibling/parents, but I can’t do this to my grandparents. They are old and can’t handle the conflict even if I would stay in touch with them. My parents also stole money that I earned at work. I was going to ask my grandparents if they’d help me get this back. They seem to be on my parents’ side, but they still love me and said I could call any time. What am I even doing? I never thought three words (“I’m moving out”) could cause this much of an uproar. Is there any way I can avoid this smear campaign?

Any advice would be appreciated. I feel so guilty, but I also know that I am being more than reasonable, but they aren’t meeting me.

 

[pianistclare]

Several questions, as I have not been following your threads.

Are they not Catholic?
You are college age, and your father felt like pinning you against the wall?
Are there other issues (sorry to be blunt) that they are opposed to in your life?
What was the deal breaker for them?
Was this attack unexpected?

From what you have posted here, I would stay WELL away.
But I would like to hear the answers to those questions.
I hope you can find peace, in your life and salvage your relationship with your family.

 

[TOBaddict]

Several questions, as I have not been following your threads.

Are they not Catholic?
You are college age, and your father felt like pinning you against the wall?
Are there other issues (sorry to be blunt) that they are opposed to in your life?
What was the deal breaker for them?
Was this attack unexpected?

From what you have posted here, I would stay WELL away.
But I would like to hear the answers to those questions.
I hope you can find peace, in your life and salvage your relationship with your family.

Yes, they are Catholic. It’s like the only things my mom and I have in common. My grandmother told me to go to confession for moving out and not allowing my dad to “provide” for me. I forgave her for this, she’s been brainwashed by my mom already.

I’m just super independent and not like them at all and they can’t stand it. Daddy doesn’t like it when people tell him “no.” I was expecting them to be angry, but I never thought it’d get physical. So glad I did it in public. Two guardian angels stepped in to save me that night. The only “issue” is that I’m independent and we have been at each other’s throats with each step towards adulthood. Each time I try to be an adult is “disrespectful” and warrants another episode from them. When I was told they’re cutting me off, it was honestly a relief that this was over. Should’ve known better…

 

[pianistclare]

hmmmm. Seems like there’s so much going on here.
Speak to your priest.
I can’t see how any of us can help, but we can pray for you and your family.
It’s a terrible thing to lose one’s parents.
Those of us who have already lost them to death pray for the day when we are reunited in heaven, please God.
**Get pastoral advice, and listen to him. **
God bless.

 

[1ke]

I gave her an ultimatum that we either meet with my therapist to work this out, or I’m not even considering coming home.

I would have added the condition:

And bring the money you stole from me with you to the theraptist’s office, in a money order made out to me.

I was wondering, is moving out really worth losing my entire family?

Yes. there are extreme circumstances where this is necessary. you are in one of those.

I can’t do this to my grandparents.

You can have a relationship with your grandparents independent of living at home or having contact with your parents. if your grandparents refuse this arrangement, then that is their choice.

My parents also stole money that I earned at work.

Talk to a lawyer, I’m not sure what you can do. Don’t involve your grandparents.

Is there any way I can avoid this smear campaign?

Tell your grandparents the truth, and then let it go.

Any advice would be appreciated. I feel so guilty, but I also know that I am being more than reasonable, but they aren’t meeting me.

Keep getting therapy and STAY AWAY from them. I am sorry they took your money. Open a bank account in your name only and do everything you can to protect yourself. Also monitor your credit report through annualcreditreport.com because I don’t put it past users like your parents to try to open credit in your name. Consider a credit monitoring service.

 

[EasterJoy]

You are not going to “lose” your entire family by deciding that living with your parents is not working out for you. You are taking rational steps to find the most non-toxic relationship with your parents and extended family that you can find. There is a high probability that if it is possible to have a healthy relationship with them, the sooner you get out the better your chances of finding it are. There is also a high probability that your other siblings will follow suit eventually, particularly if they see that you do it and seem healthy. (I would not wager any money that your grandparents are entirely unaware of their child’s relationship with the truth, either, not when they’re calm and enough time passes to see the whole picture.)

If you have a therapist, you had to know that any change to the status quo was going to make the bees swarm. That doesn’t make it the wrong thing to do. You need three guides, here: your therapist, your pastor, and a prayer life guided either by your pastor or someone your pastor deems appropriate.

Stay in touch with your siblings and grandparents. Stick to your guns with your parents on what treatment you will and will not tolerate. Forcing you to live under their roof as a condition of a continued relationship is not on the table. That house is emotionally on fire. It won’t help those still in it to have you stay inside.

 

[Lou2U]

You are not going to “lose” your entire family by deciding that living with your parents is not working out for you. You are taking rational steps to find the most non-toxic relationship with your parents and extended family that you can find. There is a high probability that if it is possible to have a healthy relationship with them, the sooner you get out the better your chances of finding it are. There is also a high probability that your other siblings will follow suit eventually, particularly if they see that you do it and seem healthy. (I would not wager any money that your grandparents are entirely unaware of their child’s relationship with the truth, either, not when they’re calm and enough time passes to see the whole picture.)

If you have a therapist, you had to know that any change to the status quo was going to make the bees swarm. That doesn’t make it the wrong thing to do. You need three guides, here: your therapist, your pastor, and a prayer life guided either by your pastor or someone your pastor deems appropriate.

Stay in touch with your siblings and grandparents. Stick to your guns with your parents on what treatment you will and will not tolerate. Forcing you to live under their roof as a condition of a continued relationship is not on the table. That house is emotionally on fire. It won’t help those still in it to have you stay inside.

This, a million times.

You’re doing the right thing. Keep going.

:hug1:

Lou

 

[youngsterat16]

Instead of arranging with a therapist with your parents since they refuse to do so, why not try seeing if your priest will go and visit them? They may as well choose to slam the door on him, but then again he’s a priest so they may not be as likely to do so . As others said, do discuss this with your priest. try talking to friends or other parishoneers as well. they may be able to help you more. I would definitely discuss this with your priest first, though.

 

[Allegra]

You probably should have redirected the money in the joint account before this discussion took place but… hindsight and all. Otherwise, I think you’re on the right track.

 

[TOBaddict]

You probably should have redirected the money in the joint account before this discussion took place but… hindsight and all. Otherwise, I think you’re on the right track.

Ha, my mom forced me to have a joint account so she could “keep a watch on things.” I’ve always resented this. There was unfortunately no way I could have gotten a hold of it. I think my grandparents, if they still love me, may take pity on me and at least try to help. If not, I guess no one in my family actually loves me. This whole situation is very telling of who truly cares about you.

It’s just so frustrating knowing that your mother is ruining your reputation and telling lies to your entire family.

 

[ynotzap]

As one grows into adulthood and independence (around college age,) there is more expression of selfwill, and independent thinking. You mentioned you are super-independent, and I assume you are a young woman. You also mentioned that your parents are narcissistic, perhaps very controlling, and self-centered, not able to understand your position and needs. I can understand your parents having a loving concern for you, but unable to express it in a reasonable way. Perhaps their feelings get the better of their reason, and could lead to violence, especially with your father. It seems that they are facing with letting go of the controls, and letting their girl free to live on her own. If they are stubborn in giving you that freedom, and refuse to discuss it with reasonable people, then I don’t think you have any choice. When will they ever reach the point of letting you go. It seems obvious that taking your money was a way to impede your leaving. Ask your self, are they justified? Do they have real reasons to worry about you? Isn’t there any real love there? Do you experience a real stifling of wholesome self expression, or could there be a certain rebellion against a real injustice ?

 

[DarkLight]

Your post has a lot of red flags. You need to stay away from your parents.

Anytime someone is physically violent with you - that’s someone you need to stay away from without serious work.

Plus, they’re willing to steal from you. If they’re willing to clean out your bank account, what’s to keep them from stealing other things, or ruining your credit, because they want to.

Get yourself to a therapist. It sounds like you could benefit from one to untangle the craziness in your family.

 

[TOBaddict]

Get yourself to a therapist. It sounds like you could benefit from one to untangle the craziness in your family.

My sister said they closed my bank account to “stop me from spending it on something stupid”…like an apartment.

Ha, I just started with a new one this past week- my fourth one- and he was the first one to label my family as “dysfunctional.” He is the only one to recognize this and I really look forward to working with him. Just after one session, I can tell he truly knows what he’s talking about and I trust him to untangle this craziness. Unfortunately, since they stole my money, I can’t afford him anymore…

 

[AdamP88]

Ha, my mom forced me to have a joint account so she could “keep a watch on things.” I’ve always resented this. There was unfortunately no way I could have gotten a hold of it. I think my grandparents, if they still love me, may take pity on me and at least try to help. If not, I guess no one in my family actually loves me. This whole situation is very telling of who truly cares about you.

It’s just so frustrating knowing that your mother is ruining your reputation and telling lies to your entire family.

If you’re college age and your parents don’t allow you to take care of your own finances then it seems that they are either paranoid or extremely controlling. I would definitely say you are doing the right thing by moving out. Don’t go back. And you your dad pinned you down in public and other people witnessed it then could you not press charges for assault?

 

[Anglewannabe]

It’s just so frustrating knowing that your mother is ruining your reputation and telling lies to your entire family.

I hear you. I had to cut ties with my brother and since he is sweat as pie to everyone else’s face, no one sees my point. I just say to myself, anyone who listen to my brother is someone who doesn’t see the truth

 

[TOBaddict]

If you’re college age and your parents don’t allow you to take care of your own finances then it seems that they are either paranoid or extremely controlling. I would definitely say you are doing the right thing by moving out. Don’t go back. And you your dad pinned you down in public and other people witnessed it then could you not press charges for assault?

My friends said to file a report, but I didn’t want to because he’s “family.” Now, I know better. My friends went back to get the camera footage but of course, there were no cameras outside or in the store.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Ha, my mom forced me to have a joint account so she could “keep a watch on things.” I’ve always resented this. There was unfortunately no way I could have gotten a hold of it. I think my grandparents, if they still love me, may take pity on me and at least try to help. If not, I guess no one in my family actually loves me. This whole situation is very telling of who truly cares about you.

It’s just so frustrating knowing that your mother is ruining your reputation and telling lies to your entire family.

I was in the same situation. At 20 my mom still controlled everything in my life. I finally opened a separate account in my name only and directed my pay checks there. She has to learn to let you live and make your own mistakes. May I ask what age you are?

 

[AdamP88]

My friends said to file a report, but I didn’t want to because he’s “family.” Now, I know better. My friends went back to get the camera footage but of course, there were no cameras outside or in the store.

You should report at the least. You need to let them know that you’re not going to take this abusive behaviour. Especially if it’s becoming physical bullying.

 

[LethalMouse]

My sister said they closed my bank account to “stop me from spending it on something stupid”…like an apartment.

**Ha, I just started with a new one this past week- my fourth one- **and he was the first one to label my family as “dysfunctional.” He is the only one to recognize this and I really look forward to working with him. Just after one session, I can tell he truly knows what he’s talking about and I trust him to untangle this craziness. Unfortunately, since they stole my money, I can’t afford him anymore…

So first and foremost your parents sound highly misguided. Your mention of “if my grandparents still LOVE me” both they and your parents do. Your parents moreso seem to have issues in not knowing what love is.
You need out and free, and likely in a time they will prefer a relationship with you grounded within your independence.

To put forth a small caveat for dual sided advice:

The bold, 4 different therapists… I have had some experience with people and note that sometimes this is obviously for simple reasons (insurance, schedules, locations etc…) but I have seen it many times that one does not get what they want. In that once there is any noting of “wrong” time to change therapists. On a first talk “THEY are horrible” is nearly a guarantee when sold well… but over time they may see more to the story.

Even online, I always say I never understand lying when seeking advice, if one does there advice recieved will be the wrong advice (NO I am NOT accusing you of it, just listing human possibilities)

I would like to note a story:

I stopped to help a disabled vehicle on the side of the road, the young man’s father came and I ended up not helping because the father simply berrated and screamed insanely at the young man. I believed whole heartedly as I learned this boy was setting out on his own to a new state that this was the right thing. This guy needed to get far from his father and fast…

As the facts of there life were revealed through the yelling of the father and ramblings of the son… I began to see that the father cared for his son and his son was an idiot… his anger was all tied only to the self destructive things the son had done. The father had admittedly by the son told the son a whole host of things to do to prepare himself… and the son did none. He in the words of his father was “too busy running around with your friends gooding off”…had the son done anything the father had suggested his vehicle problems would not exist and I would not know this event. And I could tell that had this kid been any good at listening to his father he would probably be without many of his life’s problems…

So within a 20 min event I was able to think the father was cruel and evil and then shortly after see him as right and just and the son as a not so great kid…

 

[SilverShadow22]

Wow… My father kept me helpless (didn’t want me to get my driver’s license, for instance) and simultaneously tells me to move out… And takes delight in threatening to throw me out, knowing that at this time, I cannot make it on my own… And while he was in some senses violent, I can’t imagine being pinned to a wall in public.

I can manage to survive at home. You, from the sound of it, probably can’t.

Much sympathy and best wishes.