I'm gay and I'm falling for this girl

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Hi friends,

I think I am in a dilemma now and please don’t laugh at me. 😊😊😊
I always declare myself as a gay man. I’m early 23 now. I follow the Church’s teaching so I have never done any homosexual acts. I used to be in a pure relationship with another boy during my late teenage year. But we broke up in the end as he “desired” more and I just could not. For 4-5 years, I have been leading a single gay man life.
Sometimes I think I do have feeling for girls. I like to stare at certain body parts and check out some of the girls on the street. But the feeling was not that strong I think until I met this girl in my company. We’ve known each other for a year. And we kinda “like” each other. She is not like any girls that I have met. She’s not pretty but so caring, sweet and nice. Sometimes we also joke about marriage. Sometimes I think of moving on with her. But the same-sex attraction is still there in my body. And I am scared that one day I will be weak and betray her. She does not know about this issue, and I feel that I should tell her in the near future. However, I am worried that she cannot accept this. I pray to God for His light but at the same times, I would like to take advice from my friends in this form.
Thank you and God bless.👍👍👍
 
I think you should pursue the relationship.👍 I would consider it prudent to keep the same-sex issue to yourself if you think she wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Also, I wouldn’t worry about the possibility of betraying her in a moment of weakness; instead, I would pray for the strength not to do so. You have to remember that even those without same-sex attractions often find themselves being tempted by others…
 
Lamentation said:
I think you should pursue the relationship.👍 I would consider it prudent to keep the same-sex issue to yourself if you think she wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Also, I wouldn’t worry about the possibility of betraying her in a moment of weakness; instead, I would pray for the strength not to do so. You have to remember that even those without same-sex attractions often find themselves being tempted by others…
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I agree.
 
There is no need to tell her. See how the relationship develops but no need to tell her AT ANY TIME. There is no benefit to be derived and there is the possibility that she could not “handle” it.
 
Ask her to go to lunch during the work day, then drinks or soda afternwork , then see how you feel. I agree with others that you should give this relationship a chance. Everyone needs to pray for strength against temptation whatever their temptation. You are no different.
 
JosephConsta said:
Hi friends,

I think I am in a dilemma now and please don’t laugh at me. 😊😊😊
I always declare myself as a gay man. I’m early 23 now. I follow the Church’s teaching so I have never done any homosexual acts. I used to be in a pure relationship with another boy during my late teenage year. But we broke up in the end as he “desired” more and I just could not. For 4-5 years, I have been leading a single gay man life.
Sometimes I think I do have feeling for girls. I like to stare at certain body parts and check out some of the girls on the street. But the feeling was not that strong I think until I met this girl in my company. We’ve known each other for a year. And we kinda “like” each other. She is not like any girls that I have met. She’s not pretty but so caring, sweet and nice. Sometimes we also joke about marriage. Sometimes I think of moving on with her. But the same-sex attraction is still there in my body. And I am scared that one day I will be weak and betray her. She does not know about this issue, and I feel that I should tell her in the near future. However, I am worried that she cannot accept this. I pray to God for His light but at the same times, I would like to take advice from my friends in this form.
Thank you and God bless.👍👍👍
Click to expand...
If you get serious with her, she would need to know this is an issue for you.

Honesty is essential in relationships. Secret keeping isn’t a good way to have serious relationships and least of all, marriage. It wouldn’t be good if you did have a fall and she had to find out, the hard way, about this issue. It would hurt her.

You say you had represented yourself for a time as a gay man. What will happen if you get serious with her, and she crosses paths with someone who knows you as a gay man? It wouldn’t be fair to her to conceal this from her (if she’s in a serious relationship with you).

Well, in marriage, say, ideally at least, we would freely share even our deepest, darkest secrets. When a person can accept us even knowing those, that’s a good basis for a relationship.

When a person loves us knowing all our faults, it creates a kind of freedom, to be loved without conditions.

Now, it might be good to seek some kind of outside advice on this matter. There are places like “Courage” where people deal with similar issues.

The other idea would be if you could speak to a counselor on this, preferably a Catholic counselor, like through Catholic Social Services, since secular counselors often may not care about issues like morality.

Anyway, I have some friends that know me pretty much completely and vice versa. We know each other’s worst problems, pasts, etc., but are still friends. Do you see the advantages of that?

I’m not necessarily saying you should tell her, but if you decide to get into a serious relationship, I think you would need to tell her before, You’d have to risk that before marriage, in my opinion, even though there’s the risk of rejection.

Honesty needs to be the basis for relationships, especially very deep ones. Consider it carefully before you act. Get counsel if need be before proceeding.
 
Lamentation said:
I think you should pursue the relationship.👍 I would consider it prudent to keep the same-sex issue to yourself if you think she wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Also, I wouldn’t worry about the possibility of betraying her in a moment of weakness; instead, I would pray for the strength not to do so. You have to remember that even those without same-sex attractions often find themselves being tempted by others…
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Wise advice.
Sexual orientation is obviously not black and white. It is on a continuum Often this confusion can be delayed from the early teens to your present age.
Without making any judgement at all, the life of a Catholic homosexual living the life espoused by the church is a difficult and lonely one. On a purely expedient level, if you can find true happiness in a loving relationship with a girl, this is the more practical alternative given our societal norms, aside from the natural order in the will of God.
I would explore these feelings whilst always respecting the dignity of the lass involved.
May God bless you in your present purity and in your future life.
 
One more thing that also concerns me is also how you currently identify yourself. You said, “I’m gay”.

You didn’t say, “I used to be gay”, etc. You used the present tense, so I tend to think you’re not ready for marriage with her.
 
Have you considered the possibility that you are attracted to both men and women? There are a good number of men who have SSA who are also attracted to and able to emotionally bond with women in a romantic way and who, by virtue of being committed to their faith and their marriages, make fine husbands.

If you have romantic feelings (physical attraction included) toward this girl I would say pursue the relationship and see if you two are compatible enough to make a good marriage.

I do not advise keeping your same sex attraction secret. If you were to marry within the Church both parties must freely consent to the marriage for it to be valid. She couldn’t freely consent to marriage without knowing something of this magnitude. I’m not saying tell her right now, but if the relationship becomes serious and is heading toward marriage I think you should tell her before she agrees to marry you.

Some women understand that while their man is attracted to them, he also experiences attraction to other men and know that he will never act on that attraction. Some women are completely incapable of understanding this and wouldn’t marry a man if they knew he had SSA.
 
JosephConsta,

Hi, I’m quite similar to you. I have always had a pretty intense attraction to men, but I fell in love with a beautiful woman and married her. This was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Whatever the other posters have said, you have to be open with this girl, if you want to pursue the relationship. I told my wife before we got married about my SSA, but I wasn’t as clear about it as I wish I had been, so we’ve had to grow into a greater level of openness. At any rate, what you want in a marriage is intimacy, and you can’t have real intimacy if you’re hiding such a huge life struggle from somebody!

Your SSA probably won’t go away, honestly – at least not completely. And you want to be very honest with yourself about your past sins, and make sure that you have a considerable degree of freedom before you pursue marriage. But it’s possible to be married to a woman, chaste, and attracted to men. I am.

I love just reading your post, by the way. It sounds to me like a great movie plot. Gay guy gets smitten by hot girl, gets totally confused, happily ever after, and so on. I’ll be praying for the happily ever after! 🙂
 
If you get married, also consider if the SSA resurfaces, which it very well might, and you had not revealed this to her…

Well, if you had been identifying yourself to people, for years, as a gay man, got married without revealing this. She finds this out later, I think that would be grounds for annulment of your relationship.
 
Tell her the truth but chose time and place wisely, she need to know, at some point down the road I hope you two will walk.
 
I’d say pursue your friendship with this young lady. Who knows where it might lead you both? BUT tell her about your SSA. If she can’t handle it a relationship probably wouldn’t work between you either.

The temptation to ‘betray’ a partner is always a possibility for anyone in a marriage, so don’t let that stop you pursuing this friendship.
 
I’m not sure the internet is the best place for advice on this one. On the other hand, the psychology field is also messed up on the issue these days, so I’m not sure who you should trust for advice.

If you have a full spectrum attraction to this girl, go ahead and date her and see what happens. If things get serious, you should be honest about your past and your struggles. But just because you have had same sex attraction in the past is no reason to refuse a genuine opposite sex attraction if it’s real and not something you are trying to force on yourself out of a sense of moral duty. You owe this woman the dignity of dating her because you ARE attracted to her, not because you find her “good enough” to give hetero life a try. I’m not suggesting that’s what’s happening, just encouraging YOU to be sure. I find it a little worrisome that you describe her as “not pretty.” Are you saying that there’s no physical attraction?

On the other hand, if you really do find yourself enthralled with her, why NOT pursue a relationship? It’s not like the rest of us meet “the one” and never notice another member of the opposite sex ever again. We have to CHOOSE to love our spouse and be committed to her, even during times when the feeling wane or some ‘hottie’ comes along and gets all flirty. In that sense, you’re no different than anybody else. You may face other temptations along the way. Welcome to being human.
 
JosephConsta said:
And I am scared that one day I will be weak and betray her. She does not know about this issue, and I feel that I should tell her in the near future. However, I am worried that she cannot accept this. I pray to God for His light but at the same times, I would like to take advice from my friends in this form.
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I am an engaged man but my fiancée lives in a different city. I don’t have SSA but could I have betrayed her in the years we’ve been apart? Of course I could have, several times, but I didn’t. I love her. Will I ever betray her? No, I will not. Will temptations of the flesh present themselves? Of course. Just because you have SSA doesn’t make you different from any other man, it just makes your temptations different.

Love is a powerful emotion but deeper love is a choice. When we marry someone, we agree to love them forever regardless of how we might feel on a given day. How much pain would be spared for the world if people would realize this…

I don’t think you need to tell her in the near future. Based on cultural sigma regarding SSA, I think it could unfairly fog her decision about the relationship. Ultimately, if you do fall for her and she for you, it would be sad if she couldn’t accept you having SSA but it might be confusing in the beginning.
 
As a woman, I would definitely want to know if my man had SSA. For me, it would not be a deal breaker.

I would want to know, however, what sort of counseling the man had received – from a spiritual director, parish priest, or actual counselor. I would also want to know what the man had or had not done with regard to intimacy with other men. In other words, I would want openness and honesty.

Incidentally, I am a woman who identified and lived as a lesbian for ten years (during which time I left the Church). So this issue of openness about SSA and my last is very real to me. The only difference for me is that I have no trace of SSA now, none, nada, zip. Not sure how God healed those parts of me that needed healing, but He did 👍

God bless you!

Gertie
 
It is very plausible, OP, that you’re bisexual - that is, attracted to both sexes. Many people who are bisexual can and do have relationships with the opposite sex.
 
If you identified as definitely gay during your teens, could it be possible that it was a little early to know for sure? That sometimes happens. But maybe you were sure and are still pretty sure. Or, as some have said, perhaps you have attraction to either sex.

As for the young lady in question, she is stirring questions in you. It wouldn’t be wrong to become closer friends with her, we can all benefit from friendships.

Before carrying it further into dating or romantic context, however, I think it would be best to be honest with her about your situation. And this is something that maybe you could have already done in the friendship stage where things are more relaxed for the both of you.

One thing you must avoid is putting her in the position of “guinea pig” while you try to discover more about your own sexual orientation. That’s not fair to her, it’s like using her. And you must ask her to be honest with you if she feels uncomfortable, because it’s going to be a challenge for her in a different way than a straightforward (sorry for the pun) friendship or relationship with a heterosexual man would be.

So, with honesty and being aboveboard, take things a day at a time and see what may or may not happen. 🙂 Deal with each challenge or question as it comes.
 
In many cases fleeting same sex attraction resolves itself by age 25.
 
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