I'm gay/homosexual/SSA, I'm Catholic, what do I do now?

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StudentMI

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I wanted to start this thread considering how heated threads have become lately. Sort of as a gathering space and a place to share for those Catholics who are homosexual/gay/SSA to discuss how they integrate their orientation into their faith and their lives.

Please note, this is NOT intended as a place to debate this or that regarding homosexuality and morality or pride or anything. This is just intended to be a thread for personal sharing. If you feel the need to debate theological points please start another thread. Not that hard to do so.

God bless.
 
Hi StudentMI,
I watched this film, last year, through FORMED.
everlastinghills.org/
Do you think it might be helpful as a response from some SSA Catholics to your queries?
May God bless you and all who visit this thread.
Amen.
 
To start off, I have been highly influenced by the writings of Fr. Benedict Groeschel. I encountered his writings after my conversion when I was extremely scrupulous. His book The Courage to Be Chaste was a great influence on me especially. When he discussed the homosexual Catholic, and how he said be generous, share with others, don’t hoard your money etc, I really found a way to express myself. He also cautioned against repressing sexuality and said that expressing it needn’t be in a lustful way.

I personally find a lot of fulfillment in sharing my time with friends and family. Cooking is one of my main hobbies and making a dish for my parents or friends is a wonderful way to share my time with them. I love introducing them to new dishes they might be hesitant to try, and I haven’t got any complaints yet.
 
jeannetherese said:
Hi StudentMI,
I watched this film, last year, through FORMED.
everlastinghills.org/
Do you think it might be helpful as a response from some SSA Catholics to your queries?
May God bless you and all who visit this thread.
Amen.
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It certainly can be but from my perspective doesn’t offer a lot of day to day advice for us. I may be biased as I am a former member of Courage and found it unsatisfying and kind of depressing. Might have just been my group, but I have heard from other former members who said similar things.
 
StudentMI said:
He also cautioned against repressing sexuality and said that expressing it needn’t be in a lustful way.
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Is there a way to actually do this?

I’ve read somewhere (maybe an Orthodox saint) that one can appreciate the beauty of someone’s face in a licit way as the focus is away from the body and lust. (of course not to the point of obsession and inordinate attachment.)

Since the Catechism says the attraction itself is disordered, I don’t know how I can NOT repress sexuality…
 
Hey thanks for creating this thread. What I found tremendously helpful was reading the blog spiritualfriendship.org. I realized that I had a lot of self-loathing and self-hatred that I needed to process because I had subconsciously bought into the I’m a worse Catholic because I have these temptations and that I was less of a man because I wasn’t attracted to women. Add on to that a toxic mentality where I didn’t let anyone get to close: wouldn’t let a guy get too close less I ‘fall for them’ and wouldn’t let a woman get to close less she falls for me and I accidentally lead her on. It lead to a lot of loneliness and made this cross far heavier than it should have been.

What has been a tremendous help is finding support with other gay/ssa celibate Christians where we can support each other, vent when needed, and discuss these issues that so often are not wanted to be discussed in other spaces beyond the most superficial issues of how to identify. I also think Eve Tushnet’s premise of you can’t have a vocation of no helps me a lot. I had originally had a mentality of white knuckling it through life with what I can’t have. I guess now I’m way more healthy with my perspective. Yes I most likely will never have eros but I can still have friends that I love (albeit a phila kinda of love) that can be deep and profound and have some level of physical intimacy. I’ve also found at least a large chunk of my vocation in medicine which helps because finding at least part of my path helps with getting a sense of direction.
 
EIF5A said:
Is there a way to actually do this?

I’ve read somewhere (maybe an Orthodox saint) that one can appreciate the beauty of someone’s face in a licit way as the focus is away from the body and lust. (of course not to the point of obsession and inordinate attachment.)

Since the Catechism says the attraction itself is disordered, I don’t know how I can NOT repress sexuality…
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I guess and think he means rather than simply repressing all aspects of sexuality, rather sublimating in to God affirming ways. Obviously there will be times when we have to just repress and resist temptation but I think he was thinking of a more overall perspective. Like when attracted to another person of the same sex, rather than resisting lust, focus on appreciating God’s amazement in creating us and hte beauty in all his creation. I think its a lot about desexualizing things in our society. How this works for everyone is probably different.

Another example, is say I’m tempted and attracted to a friend of mine, rather than repress that desire for a romantic relationship, focus on loving them as a good friend and supporting them in a Godly way. Now obviously there are probable safe guards I would need to put in for myself (at least at first) but the focus is not on repressing sexuality but rather sublimating it into a God-affirming way. Rather than no, it’s what can I do to honor God. It’s probably just perspective and mentality approach but I think it does make a difference. I hope some of my rambles make some coherent sense 🙂
 
Hi StudentMI,

I can only guess, but I think what the Priest who wrote the book was getting at is that their may be some unique and positive “cultural identities” that gay folk have that are not sinful. I can’t fill in the blanks but maybe you can.

We ALL have a tendency to want to feel unique, and truthfully, I suspect that this is what so many gay people in the Catholic Church, or those in Christian culture are shooting for. I have seen several “so what’s next” threads here on CAF, and I think this idea of personal culture and uniqueness, is what they are trying to articulate.

Here is the “deal” though, if I may characterize it. We “singles” are ALL called for holiness. One of the very first steps in this walk is a call to chastity as you know, no matter what walk of life we come from. Some may feel that this call causes us to leave behind a part of our “uniqueness” and become mundane.

These are all lower or earthly concerns, not just for gay people, but for ALL. Internalizing this should take the sting of conforming to the will of God right out. We are Catholic because we want to please our creator, and eventually accept the graces we have been given, and join him in Heaven.

Secular society has reemphasized cultural identities of minorities and the marginalized in order to be able to continually use them in their OWN agendas. Gay “culture” is not the only group that is asked to leave behind their former identities, ALL are asked to do this regardless of their backgrounds or proclivities. St. Paul spoke in terms of the death of our old selves as we pick up our crosses and answer the call of God to walk the path of holiness.

So, “what you do now,” is to accept the graces God has already given you, pick up your many crosses, and become holy. God tells us to love him, we must keep his commandments. Though our crosses are heavy, God sees our efforts, and give us ALL the help we need in our journey.

Pax
 
at9009 said:
I guess and think he means rather than simply repressing all aspects of sexuality, rather sublimating in to God affirming ways. Obviously there will be times when we have to just repress and resist temptation but I think he was thinking of a more overall perspective. Like when attracted to another person of the same sex, rather than resisting lust, focus on appreciating God’s amazement in creating us and hte beauty in all his creation. I think its a lot about desexualizing things in our society. How this works for everyone is probably different.

Another example, is say I’m tempted and attracted to a friend of mine, rather than repress that desire for a romantic relationship, focus on loving them as a good friend and supporting them in a Godly way. Now obviously there are probable safe guards I would need to put in for myself (at least at first) but the focus is not on repressing sexuality but rather sublimating it into a God-affirming way. Rather than no, it’s what can I do to honor God. It’s probably just perspective and mentality approach but I think it does make a difference. I hope some of my rambles make some coherent sense 🙂
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I may be at fault for putting it too bluntly. I’ll look up that part and post what I find. It’s a very beautiful book.
 
esieffe said:
Hi StudentMI,

I can only guess, but I think what the Priest who wrote the book was getting at is that their may be some unique and positive “cultural identities” that gay folk have that are not sinful. I can’t fill in the blanks but maybe you can.

We ALL have a tendency to want to feel unique, and truthfully, I suspect that this is what so many gay people in the Catholic Church, or those in Christian culture are shooting for. I have seen several “so what’s next” threads here on CAF, and I think this idea of personal culture and uniqueness, is what they are trying to articulate.

Here is the “deal” though, if I may characterize it. We “singles” are ALL called for holiness. One of the very first steps in this walk is a call to chastity as you know, no matter what walk of life we come from. Some may feel that this call causes us to leave behind a part of our “uniqueness” and become mundane.

These are all lower or earthly concerns, not just for gay people, but for ALL. Internalizing this should take the sting of conforming to the will of God right out. We are Catholic because we want to please our creator, and eventually accept the graces we have been given, and join him in Heaven.

Secular society has reemphasized cultural identities of minorities and the marginalized in order to be able to continually use them in their OWN agendas. Gay “culture” is not the only group that is asked to leave behind their former identities, ALL are asked to do this regardless of their backgrounds or proclivities. St. Paul spoke in terms of the death of our old selves as we pick up our crosses and answer the call of God to walk the path of holiness.

So, “what you do now,” is to accept the graces God has already given you, pick up your many crosses, and become holy. God tells us to love him, we must keep his commandments. Though our crosses are heavy, God sees our efforts, and give us ALL the help we need in our journey.

Pax
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Thank you for this post. Very well stated. 🙂
 
I see this very simply. What to do? The same as all unmarried Catholics should do, Stay celibate. Respect the laws of God. Stay chaste.

It is not a great burden, far from it.
 
Rosebud77 said:
I see this very simply. What to do? The same as all unmarried Catholics should do, Stay celibate. Respect the laws of God. Stay chaste.

It is not a great burden, far from it.
Click to expand...
This thread is meant for fellowship and sharing of struggles and how we overcome them. Do you speak from personal experience? Not doing so does not of course preclude anyone from posting here: this thread is public. But please, allow those of us who do share this cross to talk respectfully with each other.
 
StudentMI said:
This thread is meant for fellowship and sharing of struggles and how we overcome them. Do you speak from personal experience? Not doing so does not of course preclude anyone from posting here: this thread is public. But please:thumbsup:, allow those of us who do share this cross to talk respectfully with each other.
Click to expand...
👍
 
I can’t really contribute in any meaningful way, but I just want to say thank you for starting this thread. These are the types of threads we need more of.
 
Maybe this is a topic for another thread. But what, if anything, can straight Catholics do to constructively help gay Catholics, from the gay perspective? Besides being friendly, non-homophobic, etc.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
Maybe this is a topic for another thread. But what, if anything, can straight Catholics do to constructively help gay Catholics, from the gay perspective? Besides being friendly, non-homophobic, etc.
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I think that fits the topic.

As far as helping, I think just being friendly and non judgemental is a huge thing for those of us who bear this cross. 🙂
 
I used to have a same-sex attraction.

I was raised Catholic,but only remained in the Church for a very short time as I explored and then began acting on these feelings. It never really occurred to me to be chaste, so I left the Church and did what I wanted for about ten years. Even “married” a woman.

Those were dark times, and I don’t like to think about them much, except to remember how much better life is now.

I’m not remotely interested in women now, and get grossed out even thinking about it.

I have only the tiniest idea of what changed in me and how, but it certainly wasn’t anything I sought after at the time. I mean, I wasn’t trying to change my sexual orientation at the time because I was outside the Church and saw nothing wrong with what I was doing.

But something did change.

Anywho… I understand the fear of homophobia (homophobiaphobic?). I rarely share my past with my current friends and colleagues.

At church I’m afraid of what people would think – if they don’t believe I’ve changed, they’ll probably fall back on their beliefs that LGBT are pedophiles. :mad:

At work, I don’t want people asking me about things I don’t want to think about. Like I said, those were dark times in my life and nothing that I think was harmless or something to be proud of.

On the other hand, I have a deep love for those who identify as LGBT+ nowadays. Everyone needs love, and support, and friendship, and community. And God’s given me a gift for just loving people right where they’re at, no judgment.

My prayers are with all of those trying to live a chaste life. You are always in my heart and in my prayers. ❤️
 
Gertabelle said:
I’m not remotely interested in women now, and get grossed out even thinking about it.

I have only the tiniest idea of what changed in me and how, but it certainly wasn’t anything I sought after at the time. I mean, I wasn’t trying to change my sexual orientation at the time because I was outside the Church and saw nothing wrong with what I was doing.
Click to expand...
It’s not very PC to say, and I don’t want to presume to tell you your own story, but I think it’s fairly common for women to have more fluid sexualities than men. I think way more women go through a period of being attracted to women than men with men. Basically, I bet the straight - > lesbian → back to straight trajectory is much more common for women than straight → gay → back to straight is for men. Part of that could be biology, part of it could be how women’s bodies are hypersexualized in our culture…who knows? 🤷

Anyway, I’m straight, but to anyone who does have SSA, you’re in my thoughts and prayers. It must be a really heavy burden to bear, so good luck to you.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
Maybe this is a topic for another thread. But what, if anything, can straight Catholics do to constructively help gay Catholics, from the gay perspective? Besides being friendly, non-homophobic, etc.
Click to expand...
Just be a support for the people. There are many people who are called to celibate vocations who deal with fear of being alone, suffer from loneliness, and other related struggles. To have other parish members reach out and do something as simple as invite for dinner or talk after mass etc goes along way.

I don’t exactly know how to say this but make yourself a person that they can open up to if or when they are ready. Having people in person where one can be honest with their struggles goes a long way. An addenum to that would be to not view the person solely through their sexuality.

A good perspective and sources to better understand would be “Washed and Waiting” by Wesley Hlll, he also wrote a 2nd book called Spiritual Friendship. I would also recommend Eve Tushnet’s book. The blog spiritualfriendship.org is also a good source to read on a variety of related topics.

Finally thank you for wanting to reach out to people with this cross. One simple way is to just be honest about not knowing how to support and wanting to support them in the cross. That goes a long way too 🙂 Hope some of this helps.
 
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