I'm gay/homosexual/SSA, I'm Catholic, what do I do now?

[Rosebud77]

This thread is meant for fellowship and sharing of struggles and how we overcome them. Do you speak from personal experience? Not doing so does not of course preclude anyone from posting here: this thread is public. But please, allow those of us who do share this cross to talk respectfully with each other.

NB I am not stopping any discussion but it is a puzzle t me that this has so much importance that you call it a cross?

I am of a very different generation of course so maybe that it is .

For us sex etc was not of this importance or place in our lives. Nor should it be

I willof course rather than be snubbed again when I asked a simple question, leave you to your peregrinations and ponderings but scratching my head in puzzlement as to how the triviality called sexual orientation became so…disproportionately important. Blessing and above all peaces

 

[StudentMI]

NB I am not stopping any discussion but it is a puzzle t me that this has so much importance that you call it a cross?

I am of a very different generation of course so maybe that it is .

For us sex etc was not of this importance or place in our lives. Nor should it be

I willof course rather than be snubbed again when I asked a simple question, leave you to your peregrinations and ponderings but scratching my head in puzzlement as to how the triviality called sexual orientation became so…disproportionately important. Blessing and above all peaces

I’ll be praying for you. God bless.

 

[EIF5A]

NB I am not stopping any discussion but it is a puzzle t me that this has so much importance that you call it a cross?

I am of a very different generation of course so maybe that it is .

For us sex etc was not of this importance or place in our lives. Nor should it be

I willof course rather than be snubbed again when I asked a simple question, leave you to your peregrinations and ponderings but scratching my head in puzzlement as to how the triviality called sexual orientation became so…disproportionately important. Blessing and above all peaces

Because you will never be able to get married or have a “special loved one” or start a family.

Because of stigma.

Because of being reminded that you have an intrinsic disorder. And those moments of despair and anger at God that He would allow something to happen and call it intrinsically disordered through no fault of your own choosing to have same-sex attraction.

Because if you tell your family, even if you choose celibacy, there will be emotional heartbreak and sense of loss.

Because fellow Catholics will tell you to struggle silently and trivialize the experience.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

From a straight perspective, and not to derail the thread, I have known a lot of elderly people including but not limited to my now deceased parents, and I am willing to bet that many of them, if they were able to be totally honest, would disagree with the statement,

For us sex etc was not of this importance or place in our lives.

It was important to a lot of people who just kept it to themselves. Moreover, straight people were able to privately express this importance in a socially acceptable way through courting and marrying.

This quote,

Nor should it be

is why they kept it to themselves. It was not considered socially acceptable in times past to come out and say your sexuality was an important part of your life, even though privately it very well might have been. I’m sure it occupied a varying level of importance to different people, as different people have different feelings and values and some of them may have prioritized other things in life. But to say that for the entire generation sex just wasn’t that important is way overbroad.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I think some understanding that this is a complex issue that goes beyond sex would help. As EIF5A says it means never having a chance to find love or have a family, we live in a culture that worships both of those things, they give people status and people have a preference for those in the same life stage.

I’m not SSA myself but I think the best thing we can do is just be there for each other, not just focus exclusively on our own spouses and families to the point of turning our back on everyone else. Listen, pray for and support people in whatever is going on whether it be work, vocation, hobby, friends or family.

 

[at9009]

I think some understanding that this is a complex issue that goes beyond sex would help. As EIF5A says it means never having a chance to find love or have a family, we live in a culture that worships both of those things, they give people status and people have a preference for those in the same life stage.

I’m not SSA myself but I think the best thing we can do is just be there for each other, not just focus exclusively on our own spouses and families to the point of turning our back on everyone else. Listen, pray for and support people in whatever is going on whether it be work, vocation, hobby, friends or family.

I also think it is important to add that though I will be without romantic love (eros), a celibate person is not without love completely. Love found in friendship (phila) can be just as profound and strong.

One way to help gay/ssa people is to destroy this faulty false dichotomy perspective. It is either conform to Church teaching where you will be alone without love and little support versus to go against Church teaching find love but risk one’s eternal security. Breaking this false dichotomy makes being celibate easier and finding better perspective helps as well. I have posted this before but this is helpful: washingtonpost.com/news/in-theory/wp/2016/02/10/being-single-shouldnt-mean-being-alone/?utm_term=.772c8c94211e

Edit:

As a celibate gay/ssa person I constantly remind myself that love within marriage is not the only option. Yet culture and pretty everything is constantly focused on coupling up and romance. Nearly every storyline in movies has some kind of romantic plotline. You even now see kids shows showing children far too young to have romantic plotlines have girlfriends and boyfriends. Not to mention that some Christian groups idolatrize romance and marriage along with the nuclear family and disparage single people.

All of this makes this particular cross harder and I have to fight the envy of someone who has ‘that someone to love.’ When you also feel like you kinda have to struggle with this because additionally harder as you often feel like you have no one to talk about with this stuff not to mention it encourages the self-loathing and self-hatred with this issue. It is not too rare to hear someone else imply that a gay/ssa person regardless of celibacy is less of a Christian because of these particular temptations.

 

[Gertabelle]

It’s not very PC to say, and I don’t want to presume to tell you your own story, but I think it’s fairly common for women to have more fluid sexualities than men. I think way more women go through a period of being attracted to women than men with men. Basically, I bet the straight - > lesbian → back to straight trajectory is much more common for women than straight → gay → back to straight is for men. Part of that could be biology, part of it could be how women’s bodies are hypersexualized in our culture…who knows?

Anyway, I’m straight, but to anyone who does have SSA, you’re in my thoughts and prayers. It must be a really heavy burden to bear, so good luck to you.

Sorry, darlin, but this is exactly why I don’t share my experiences with people. Everyone wants to explain what I lived through – “you were never gay in the first place” or “you’re just bisexual and repressing that part of you now” or “female sexuality is fluid.”

It’s not your place to analyze my experience, and it’s extremely difficult for me to even talk about it. Please keep your analyses and opinions to yourself. Please.

 

[Peter_J]

This is my first post on this thread and let me first say that I hope a fight won’t break out. (After reading the posts thus far, I’d say this is one of the best gay-related threads on here in a while.)

FWIW, I try very hard not to analyze people in the way you’re talking about.

“Were you too distant from your mother?”
“Were you too close to your mother?”
“Were you too distant from your father?”
“Were you too close to your father?”
“Did you ever see your mother naked?”
“Did you ever see your father naked?”
“Did you ever see your parents having sex?”
“Were you abused by a man?”
“Were you abused by a woman?”
“Were you fed from a bottle?”

etc etc etc. I think all those questions have been asked way too many times and way too presumptuously in attempts to figure out why someone is the way he or she is.

 

[Gertabelle]

I also think it is important to add that though I will be without romantic love (eros), a celibate person is not without love completely. Love found in friendship (phila) can be just as profound and strong.

One way to help gay/ssa people is to destroy this faulty false dichotomy perspective. It is either conform to Church teaching where you will be alone without love and little support versus to go against Church teaching find love but risk one’s eternal security. Breaking this false dichotomy makes being celibate easier and finding better perspective helps as well. I have posted this before but this is helpful: washingtonpost.com/news/in-theory/wp/2016/02/10/being-single-shouldnt-mean-being-alone/?utm_term=.772c8c94211e

Edit:

As a celibate gay/ssa person I constantly remind myself that love within marriage is not the only option. Yet culture and pretty everything is constantly focused on coupling up and romance. Nearly every storyline in movies has some kind of romantic plotline. You even now see kids shows showing children far too young to have romantic plotlines have girlfriends and boyfriends. Not to mention that some Christian groups idolatrize romance and marriage along with the nuclear family and disparage single people.

All of this makes this particular cross harder and I have to fight the envy of someone who has ‘that someone to love.’ When you also feel like you kinda have to struggle with this because additionally harder as you often feel like you have no one to talk about with this stuff not to mention it encourages the self-loathing and self-hatred with this issue. It is not too rare to hear someone else imply that a gay/ssa person regardless of celibacy is less of a Christian because of these particular temptations.

Your post is spot on, and for what it’s worth I’m sending you an enormous cyber hug. You’re really got me thinking…

Personally, I wish parishes offered more social activities for building community. Movie nights. Service projects. Potlucks. And so on…

People who are single for whatever reason, especially as we get older, do indeed suffer from loneliness at times. Even as a mom, I experience tremendous loneliness when my son is with his father, and I fear a future of deepening loneliness as my son grows increasingly independent in his teen years and then creates a future of his own.

Many of my married friends don’t recognize my loneliness or need for help at times. They think I don’t feel that because I’m a mom. When I’ve tried to express my sadness about missing half my son’s childhood, one friend even said how glad she’d be if she had time alone.

I think creating a deeper sense of community in which parishioners at all stages and in all states of life get to know and love one another would create supports for all of us.



I think I’ll set up a meeting with our new pastor to discuss this.

 

[Joe_5859]

Personally, I wish parishes offered more social activities for building community. Movie nights. Service projects. Potlucks. And so on…

Speaking as someone who works in a parish, I agree 100%. But with the caveat that those who work at the parish (priests and staff) need help!

My parish has a lot going on, but I’d love to see even more going on. But any initiative needs people willing to step up and help out. I need training in recruiting volunteers. That’s one skill I didn’t learn in school.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Sorry, darlin, but this is exactly why I don’t share my experiences with people. Everyone wants to explain what I lived through – “you were never gay in the first place” or “you’re just bisexual and repressing that part of you now” or “female sexuality is fluid.”

It’s not your place to analyze my experience, and it’s extremely difficult for me to even talk about it. Please keep your analyses and opinions to yourself. Please.

I’m sorry to have offended you. I didn’t mean to imply that that was YOUR story (and I tried to make that clear) just that it made me think of what I perceive to be a wider trend. Maybe I’m totally wrong, who knows. Either way, I apologize if I came across as presumptuous. Was just thinking out loud, not laying down Gospel truth.

 

[Gertabelle]

I’m sorry to have offended you. I didn’t mean to imply that that was YOUR story (and I tried to make that clear) just that it made me think of what I perceive to be a wider trend. Maybe I’m totally wrong, who knows. Either way, I apologize if I came across as presumptuous. Was just thinking out loud, not laying down Gospel truth.

Thanks.

I apologize if I came off as a little bombastic. I’m a little sensitive about some things I guess. Thanks for clarifying your intentions. I really appreciate it.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Thanks.

I apologize if I came off as a little bombastic. I’m a little sensitive about some things I guess. Thanks for clarifying your intentions. I really appreciate it.

bumps knuckles We good, fam.

 

[at9009]

Your post is spot on, and for what it’s worth I’m sending you an enormous cyber hug. You’re really got me thinking…

Personally, I wish parishes offered more social activities for building community. Movie nights. Service projects. Potlucks. And so on…

I always appreciate hugs :hug1: Yeah more services would be great. I think too often people are focused on their own families that sometimes it feels a parish is sometimes devalued and it becomes more or less just a Sunday gathering period and not what an actual fellowship entails. All of those things sound like great ideas

People who are single for whatever reason, especially as we get older, do indeed suffer from loneliness at times. Even as a mom, I experience tremendous loneliness when my son is with his father, and I fear a future of deepening loneliness as my son grows increasingly independent in his teen years and then creates a future of his own.

Many of my married friends don’t recognize my loneliness or need for help at times. They think I don’t feel that because I’m a mom. When I’ve tried to express my sadness about missing half my son’s childhood, one friend even said how glad she’d be if she had time alone.

I think creating a deeper sense of community in which parishioners at all stages and in all states of life get to know and love one another would create supports for all of us.



I think I’ll set up a meeting with our new pastor to discuss this.

I’m sorry you deal with that. That sounds incredibly difficult and I will say a prayer for you. I think people often forget the trials someone else faces (maybe a case of grass is always greener?). I think people forget that even in marriage can suffer from loneliness and friendships that are deep help both single and married people. When we devalue it, we hurt both single and married.

You definitely hiit a lot of themes I worry about. As I age and am still single (currently in grad school so easy somewhat to ignore those worries) what am I going to do? If I get sick who will take care of me or visit me? I don’t want to be a burden but at the same time I want someone who wants to be involved in my life. It is incredibly frustrating to feel like I’m the one trying to develop friendship and everyone else is only working on finding their spouse and ignoring friendships with single people when they marry. Sorry rambly time for me again lol

 

[Tis_Bearself]

It is incredibly frustrating to feel like I’m the one trying to develop friendship and everyone else is only working on finding their spouse and ignoring friendships with single people when they marry.

You’re at the age when people are getting really focused on marrying and having kids. The kids will take up literally all of their time, for years, and most of their social life will revolve around other couples with kids. Give those same people about 20 years and the kids will have moved out of the house and a percentage of the people will also be single as well through death or divorce. They will suddenly re-discover the concept of having friends again. I have seen this happen.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

You’re at the age when people are getting really focused on marrying and having kids. The kids will take up literally all of their time, for years, and most of their social life will revolve around other couples with kids. Give those same people about 20 years and the kids will have moved out of the house and a percentage of the people will also be single as well through death or divorce. They will suddenly re-discover the concept of having friends again. I have seen this happen.

It’s hard to not feel hurt though when your one of the people being locked out. I see my life as a childless woman as most likely being a very solitary one which isn’t so bad for me as an introvert but will be more of a struggle for others.

As a SSA individual this must be compounded by it being inevitable and permanent unlike a heterosexual who could potentially meet a partner or have a baby later.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

It’s hard to not feel hurt though when your one of the people being locked out. I see my life as a childless woman as most likely being a very solitary one which isn’t so bad for me as an introvert but will be more of a struggle for others.

As a SSA individual this must be compounded by it being inevitable and permanent unlike a heterosexual who could potentially meet a partner or have a baby later.

One thing to keep in mind is that meeting a partner or even having a baby is not the panacea to end all loneliness or sense of disconnectedness. I know it might seem that way to people who want those things and for whatever reason, don’t have them, but married people and parents struggle with all of these feelings too.

 

[StudentMI]

I You definitely hiit a lot of themes I worry about. As I age and am still single (currently in grad school so easy somewhat to ignore those worries) what am I going to do? If I get sick who will take care of me or visit me? I don’t want to be a burden but at the same time I want someone who wants to be involved in my life. It is incredibly frustrating to feel like I’m the one trying to develop friendship and everyone else is only working on finding their spouse and ignoring friendships with single people when they marry. Sorry rambly time for me again lol

I don’t find that rambling. It hit a deep chord with me. I constantly think about things like that. My mom has said she’d rather die than be in a nursing home and I’ve promised her that won’t happen if I can help it. At the same time I realize I’ll probably die in one if I get that old. Being a burden on others is one thing I never try to be.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

You definitely hiit a lot of themes I worry about. As I age and am still single (currently in grad school so easy somewhat to ignore those worries) what am I going to do? If I get sick who will take care of me or visit me? I don’t want to be a burden but at the same time I want someone who wants to be involved in my life. It is incredibly frustrating to feel like I’m the one trying to develop friendship and everyone else is only working on finding their spouse and ignoring friendships with single people when they marry. Sorry rambly time for me again lol

Thanks for starting this topic. I think that many singles wind up feeling like second class citizens because of the “marriage or at least a long term sexual/romantic relationship is the norm” attitudes prevalent in both Christian and secular culture. Sometimes I wish I lived a century ago when people could be lifelong spinsters or bachelors and not be automatically looked at as losers in the game of life.

Of course in my case I do not need to worry about making excuses for my singleness. I know that is sadly not the case for many in the gay / homosexual / SSA categories.

One of the issues I have noticed on other CAF topics is how people can often wind up discussing “gays” as if they are all some monolithic anti-Christian bloc, and lose sight of the humanity of each individual who identify as such. I think this topic is a refreshing change of pace from that.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

For those pondering being alone when they are old, because they are single: also remember that there are many people who had marriage and children who wind up alone in their later years. Marriages don’t work out, spouses pass away, children sometimes predeceased their parents or have physical or mental or emotional conditions that keep them from being able to care for or help parents. In some cases, children who could help their aging parents just don’t bother because they have other priorities or are selfish. Honestly we don’t even know if we’ll live to get old, or drop dead tomorrow. Nothing is guaranteed. God is the only thing we can totally depend on. We all need to submit ourselves to His holy will, while taking some reasonable measures (like retirement planning) to try to prepare ourselves.