I'm gay. How do I tell my parents?

[Rau]

Yes. Adults are adults. The Bible says we should remove the immoral believer from Church, not that we should ostracize them. (Even the passage from Paul that is often translated “do not have anything to do with such people” is mistranslated and doesn’t mean that).

Now, I don’t think there’s a problem with making it clear where we stand on a moral issue. But it will not be beneficial to anyone to harp on the issue. Have you ever seen a person convert because another person nags them?

The one exception is this: prayer. I think it’s fine to tell an actively gay child that you are praying for them – not that God would make them straight, but that God’s will might be done in their life, and that God might lead them to holiness.

We ought to remember that Jesus had his harshest words for hypocrites, not for overt sinners. So we should not blithely assume that we are not worse sinners than even those who blatantly violate God’s law.

I think you expect far too much from parents who learn, not just that their catholic son is attracted to men, but that he has decided he’s fine with that, has embraced gay sex, and is now involved with a man. By all means, we might wish the parents could provide a calm, rational, “ideal” reaction, but to classify this issue as “silly”, is to put it in the same class as poor dress sense.

As to the future interactions of the parents and son, yes it would be “silly” of the parents to forever harp on and berate the son. But we’re not up to that yet - we’re at a crushing moment in the lives of these parents, and their son.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I think you expect far too much from parents who learn, not just that their catholic son is attracted to men, but that he has decided he’s fine with that, has embraced gay sex, and is now involved with a man. By all means, we might wish the parents could provide a calm, rational, “ideal” reaction, but to classify this issue as “silly”, is to put it in the same class as poor dress sense.

As to the future interactions of the parents and son, yes it would be “silly” of the parents to forever harp on and berate the son. But we’re not up to that yet - we’re at a crushing moment in the lives of these parents, and their son.

I guess we’re miscommunicating. When you talked about having “family conflict”, I assumed you meant more than a one-and-done sort of loss of composure, or an overreaction. In my extended family, it is common to have long-term family conflict, where people avoid each other or are constantly at odds with each other. THAT is silly, no matter how many sincere moral objections relatives have to one another’s conduct.

Yes, I would expect this man’s parents might not react well immediately. This is to be expected, and it isn’t a very good reason (on its own) to avoid the confrontation.

 

[PhiloMed]

If you were my son and you told me that I’d say bye-bye. Two of my sons married out of the church. I didn’t attend either wedding. If either one of them said that if I didn’t go to that wedding he would walk out of our lives I would have said bye-bye to him. I’m wondering what either one of them did to you that would cause you to think that being cruel to them is a good thing. Now I’ll read the other replies.

I know this isn’t going to sound kind, but they would probably be better off for it.

You sound like a real gem.

Yikes!

As a mother, I can’t imagine just “saying bye bye” to my child because I didn’t like their choices. Ultimatums are not fair in either direction.

I suppose it’s a good thing St. Monica didn’t feel the same way.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I suppose it’s a good thing St. Monica didn’t feel the same way.

Ah, but in Monica’s case, her son was a valuable and fine young man with inherent dignity, made in the image of God Himself.

He wasn’t some boy who ignored the wise (name removed by moderator)ut of his parents and chose to be gay instead.

 

[holyrood]

His parents are Catholic and he is wondering how to handle this. He did not ask what anyone thought of his life choices. He asked how to handle the issue of whether and how to disclose those choices to his parents.

I saw that his parents are Catholic. I just don’t see what he thinks he’s going to hear from Catholics about telling them, that’s going to help in any way. He already knows his parents aren’t going to be thrilled, and I’m not sure what any Catholic is going to tell him to change that. So I’m wondering what he’s hoping to gain by asking the question here?

Maybe reassurance that there’s hope he won’t lose his relationship with them?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I saw that his parents are Catholic. I just don’t see what he thinks he’s going to hear from Catholics about telling them, that’s going to help in any way. He already knows his parents aren’t going to be thrilled, and I’m not sure what any Catholic is going to tell him to change that. So I’m wondering what he’s hoping to gain by asking the question here?

Maybe reassurance that there’s hope he won’t lose his relationship with them?

Who knows? I joined this site initially to get insight into how to navigate a tricky situation with catholics. You know who recommended I find an anonymous, online catholic community to gain perspective on that issue? My therapist. I guess people come here for all sorts of reasons.

Regardless of why he’s here we should try to help him with his issue. Even if you don’t agree with his decisions, he really does seem to love and want a relationship with his parents.

 

[Peter_J]

So I guess this thread has had all of the different types of responses that you’d expect when someone tells a bunch of Catholics that he’s gay (from the you-should-join-Courage response to the let-me-paint-you-a-picture-of-hell response, and everything in between).

I was just thinking, there are probably a number of other gay people reading this thread. I’d be interested to hear how they react to this thread. Anyone?

 

[frobert]

Hey,

I’m 24, and for the last year and a half I have lived openly as gay man to everyone except my family, who reside 1000 miles from where I live and work.

My childhood household was very devout and I worry that the news will come as a shock to my father and especially to my mother, who (for lack of a better term) seems emotionally weak and liable to be devastated when she hears that her son has traded Mass for a boyfriend.

I do want to preserve a relationship with my parents because I love them, but if they refuse to let this matter rest, or make demands, I will walk out of their lives.

I’d like to tell them soon and am thinking of doing it when I fly home for Christmas, although that means I’d be “ruining Christmas” for my parents. Alternatively I could ignore the problem, as I have for years up until this point.

How do I make this easy on everyone? If I was your son, how would you want me to tell you? Appreciate your thoughts.

Coming out to parents is never easy. When you tell your parents they will struggle with trying to understand, their first reaction may likely be confusion and they will wonder where they went wrong. Just as you undoubtedly needed time to accept your own homosexuality your parents will need time to sort things out. Carefully plan how and when you will tell them. You may want to wait until after Christmas when they will have less on their minds. Here is a source that may make it easier. Knowing What To Expect

 

[St_Francis]

ETA: Kolya, this is in no way meant to refer to you. I think you now have a better understanding than you did when you first posted.

I still stand by my belief that if any parent is willing to say “bye bye” to their child, then maybe perhaps that child is better off with out that so called parent. Especially if this argument is over something as silly as sexual orientation or what church they’re getting married in. Also, constantly bugging someone over their sexual orientation clearly isn’t acceptance which is what the OP is asking for. His parents don’t have to like the fact that he’s gay, he just doesn’t want or need their lecturing on church teachings.

Wrt to David’s post (quoted) and other similar posts: If a child is willing to cut off relations with me as a form of emotional blackmail, I am perfectly ok with saying saying go ahead.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t love the child or that I would not welcome the child back, it just means that I am not willing to give in to emotional blackmail.

And hey!!! Why is everyone on the side of the *children who are willing to cut off relations with their parents? *What about them? Quite frankly, I think if a child were to be willing to cut off relations with their parents *as a form of emotional blackmail *that the child should be castigated, not the parent who refuses to be emotionally abused in this way.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

If a child is willing to cut off relations with me as a form of emotional blackmail, I am perfectly ok with saying saying go ahead.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t love the child or that I would not welcome the child back, it just means that I am not willing to give in to emotional blackmail.

And hey!!! Why is everyone on the side of the *children who are willing to cut off relations with their parents? *What about them? Quite frankly, I think if a child were to be willing to cut off relations with their parents *as a form of emotional blackmail *that the child should be castigated, not the parent who refuses to be emotionally abused in this way.

You seem to think that the child is intentionally and maliciously emotionally blackmailing his parents. In that case, I agree with you.

But gay children are not doing this, in 99% of cases. FOR THEIR ENTIRE LIVES, they have hidden the biggest struggle of their lives from those who are closest to them. Can we give them a break if they’re afraid of the response?

Sheesh, people! You do NOT know what it’s like to be attracted to members of the same sex. Walk a mile in my shoes, and then you can make judgments. But don’t assume that you know the intentions of gay and SSA people.

And also, please note that the OP did not say that he will **threaten **his parents with cutting them off, only that – if they did not respond in the way he wished – he would in fact cut them off. You can’t emotionally blackmail people who aren’t informed of the consequences.

 

[St_Francis]

You seem to think that the child is intentionally and maliciously emotionally blackmailing his parents. In that case, I agree with you.

Well, I tried to make it very clear that I was not referring to Kolya’s situation.

But gay children are not doing this, in 99% of cases. FOR THEIR ENTIRE LIVES, they have hidden the biggest struggle of their lives from those who are closest to them. Can we give them a break if they’re afraid of the response?

Sheesh, people! You do NOT know what it’s like to be attracted to members of the same sex. Walk a mile in my shoes, and then you can make judgments. But don’t assume that you know the intentions of gay and SSA people.

And I was not referring to the case of SSA people dealing with their parents without emotional blackmail.

I was referring to cases in which children are, for whatever reason, emotionally blackmailing their parents by threatening to cut off the relationship.

I’m sorry, but people who do that are committing a form of abuse, whether the person is an adult child, a parent, a spouse… Yes, I can understand saying, I will cut off relations with you if you continue abusing alcohol or drugs, if you continue abusing me, etc.; that’s a different matter.

And also, please note that the OP did not say that he will **threaten **his parents with cutting them off, only that – if they did not respond in the way he wished – he would in fact cut them off. You can’t emotionally blackmail people who aren’t informed of the consequences.

ummm, no, this would not exactly be emotional blackmail, it would be worse in a way. It would be just cutting off the relationship because one was not accepting the other person’s *legitimate *reaction. He (and I believe he has moved beyond this point) seemed to me to indicate that he wanted his parents to react in a certain way, and if they didn’t, he would cut off relations. The reality is that his parents deserve a lot more than that–they put up with him during all these years… of course, we don’t think of it as putting up with, but really raising a child is putting up with having a person around who does not always behave well, who needs a lot of help in life, etc. Parents understand that, and they love their children and accept this about their children.

And when a child drops a bomb on the parents like this one, the child should be willing to accept the parents’ growth instead of just cutting off the relationship, just as the parents previously accepted the child’s growth.

And I’m not saying that the child has no rights to set boundaries–that’s a completely different issue. I’m just saying parents are people too.

 

[Peter_J]

You seem to think that the child is intentionally and maliciously emotionally blackmailing his parents. In that case, I agree with you.

But gay children are not doing this, in 99% of cases. FOR THEIR ENTIRE LIVES, they have hidden the biggest struggle of their lives from those who are closest to them. Can we give them a break if they’re afraid of the response?

Sheesh, people! You do NOT know what it’s like to be attracted to members of the same sex. Walk a mile in my shoes, and then you can make judgments. But don’t assume that you know the intentions of gay and SSA people.

And also, please note that the OP did not say that he will **threaten **his parents with cutting them off, only that – if they did not respond in the way he wished – he would in fact cut them off. You can’t emotionally blackmail people who aren’t informed of the consequences.

Well, also keep in mind that statements posted on the internet, especially on a discussion forum, don’t necessarily represent the thinking of Catholics in general.

 

[kolya111]

I continue to appreciate everyone’s feedback.

In response to the poster who asked - I came here to get some perspective on my Catholic parents, who are probably not unlike many of you. I am also familiar with this forum from my days as a more devout closeted youth, but that’s neither here nor there.

Ah, but in Monica’s case, her son was a valuable and fine young man with inherent dignity, made in the image of God Himself.

He wasn’t some boy who ignored the wise (name removed by moderator)ut of his parents and chose to be gay instead.

I did not “choose to be gay” (not that it would necessarily be a bad choice if it were a choice).

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I did not “choose to be gay” (not that it would necessarily be a bad choice if it were a choice).

Kolya,

I was being sarcastic, actually, making a joke. I myself am attracted to men, so of course I know that it is not a choice – far from it!

So let me say this very explicitly:

Kolya, your mother’s son is a valuable and fine young man with inherent dignity, made in the image of God Himself.

I would love to meet him in person, myself. Because his Heavenly Father is a wonderful craftsman, and He does not make mistakes.



(And, Kolya, I am SO sorry for any pain that my comment may have, unintentionally, caused you).

 

[kolya111]

Kolya,

I was being sarcastic, actually, making a joke. I myself am attracted to men, so of course I know that it is not a choice – far from it!

So let me say this very explicitly:

Kolya, your mother’s son is a valuable and fine young man with inherent dignity, made in the image of God Himself.

I would love to meet him in person, myself. Because his Heavenly Father is a wonderful craftsman, and He does not make mistakes.



(And, Kolya, I am SO sorry for any pain that my comment may have, unintentionally, caused you).

No worries, my mistake. You are much too kind.

If I may pry, do you keep to the rules of the Church, or is it a “separate peace” situation?

 

[shainski]

Koyla,

First, I do want to say that it’s good that you are asking the question - and, I think, you are brave to be confronting a crowd that may be hostile to you.

I’ve read the numerous posts here, and it is clear that there is a number of ways that this could go. You know your parents better than anyone else - and you are equipped better to understand how they will react.

But, let me give you this. You have had a lot of time to come to terms with your own sexuality. It probably wasn’t easy for you to come to terms with it - and you probably had years of denial. (I don’t know this to be true, but I know that it is true of many).

So when the time comes to deal with your own parents - you have to give them the benefit of time to come to terms with it. The reaction will likely not be one of acceptance. (And I’m guessing that you, yourself, were not so accepting of it at first). Yes, they may beg you to come back - they may pray over you. Give them whatever means they need to come to terms with it.

But do not give them an ultimatum. Do not threaten to walk out on them if they do not (or cannot) give you anything less than full approval and acceptance. They may need time - maybe lots of time. They will view your lifestyle as something that they somehow failed.

I think EasterJoy’s and BlueEyed’s advice to be thoughtful and sound (even though they were not on the same side of all their correspondence). I think talking to one parent at a time may be the best advice. I think finding a confidence in a priest or aunt or uncle - may give you insight in the best approach.

As you can see by these replies - there is no one way to do this - and there is no one way it will be received. Some would walk out on you. Some would be in denial. Some would do everything they could to change you. And some would accept you just as you are. I can’t begin to predict how your own parents will react.

Certainly, if you feel that now is the time to do this - wait until close to the end of your visit. Warn them that you need to talk to them (or one of them) seriously. And them tell them.

If every conversation with your mother goes as you fear - then you will have to level with her. “Mom, I love you, but I do not want to spend every conversation with you on this subject. If you can’t talk to me about other things, then I will have to end the call.” (and do it). Don’t threaten to terminate all contact with them unless they give you 100% acceptance.

My children are too young to have these kind of issues to deal with right now. But if the time comes, I would want them to be truthful with me. And if they felt that they couldn’t be, I would want them to talk to their mother - and have her guide them on how to break it to me.

I can tell that this whole issue is a burning one inside of you. I don’t think that you can simply put it on the back burner and pretend it doesn’t exist.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Well, I tried to make it very clear that I was not referring to Kolya’s situation.

You did so after you edited the post. I responded before you edited the post.

ummm, no, this would not exactly be emotional blackmail, it would be worse in a way.

I wasn’t defending it, only saying that it wasn’t blackmail.

The reality is that his parents deserve a lot more than that–they put up with him during all these years… of course, we don’t think of it as putting up with, but really raising a child is putting up with having a person around who does not always behave well, who needs a lot of help in life, etc.

No, I think this is a flawed and dangerous understanding of parenting – though certainly an understandable one. My child owes me nothing, when it comes to deciding what is best for the way they live their life. To see this clearly, imagine a Orthodox Jewish son who becomes Christian, and his family disowns him. Surely he does not owe them the courtesy of living his entire life as a Jew, simply because his parents are good people who raised him in a loving family.

The real question here is about whether homosexual activity lends itself to human flourishing. Catholics think it doesn’t; active homosexuals think it does. From a Catholic perspective, Kolya’s error may be far more of an intellectual error than a moral one.

So no, I think Kolya owes them human decency and filial respect, but not deference to their views in any way, shape or form.

 

[Rau]

You seem to think that the child is intentionally and maliciously emotionally blackmailing his parents. In that case, I agree with you.

But gay children are not doing this, in 99% of cases. FOR THEIR ENTIRE LIVES, they have hidden the biggest struggle of their lives from those who are closest to them. Can we give them a break if they’re afraid of the response?

Sheesh, people! You do NOT know what it’s like to be attracted to members of the same sex. Walk a mile in my shoes, and then you can make judgments. But don’t assume that you know the intentions of gay and SSA people.

And also, please note that the OP did not say that he will **threaten **his parents with cutting them off, only that – if they did not respond in the way he wished – he would in fact cut them off. You can’t emotionally blackmail people who aren’t informed of the consequences.

Actually, we don’t know what level of “struggle” the OP has gone through. Sure, he has no doubt struggled when his initial SSA became apparent, and with the idea of coming out, but he does does not reveal any history of struggling against his temptations. He does tell us he has embraced them, and won’t countenance much in the way of objection from his parents.

 

[Rau]

I did not “choose to be gay” (not that it would necessarily be a bad choice if it were a choice).

I think he means you have chosen to engage in gay sexual relationships.

Why is it not a “bad choice”?

 

[Used2beSherryG]

I really don’t see the point in telling one’s parents something that you know is bound to hurt them, especially about one’s sex life, which is a personal matter.

agree totally. I have six adult children and several adult grandchildren. I have no wish to discuss any of their sex lives at all. Period. In my view, what the OP expresses shows his own angst and conflict about his choices. He is looking for people to be cheerleaders for him in his own bad choices. he definitely has a conscience and knows that what he is choosing to do is wrong in the eyes of God and against God. Life and it’s trials and pleasures are fleeting, eternity is waiting. May the Lord have mercy on you, OP and let His light shine upon you. Don’t seek approval from other people, seek approval from the Lord.