I'm gay. How do I tell my parents?

[kolya111]

I greatly appreciate everyone’s feedback.

Like EasterJoy, my first thought is “do you need to tell them?”

But your statement above perplexes me. On the one hand, you say you love your parents, but on the other, you say that anything less than straight up acceptance of your lifestyle will lead you to abandon them! Do you really expect your parents to immediately take in this news and then wish you all the best till you visit again? Have a bit of empathy with your parents. Allow them the privilege of expressing their emotions. Be understanding if their beliefs and love for you cause them to implore you to abandon what they believe is the wrong path for your life. Be patient, and return some of the love they have shown you for 24 years.

Several people have commented on this so I should clarify - I’m not expecting them to endorse me or my preferences, but I do require them to keep quiet about it. I know I’ll have to deal with some pleading initially, yes. But if every encounter with my family becomes an exhortation to “return to God,” or an attempt to coerce the same, I will cut them off because my decisions are not theirs to make. Obviously I want this process to go smoothly and quickly so that can be avoided.

I worry that every phone call with my mother (who I speak to once a week on average) will involve some new protestation about homosexuality, that she will waste hours in adoration attempting to save my soul, that innumerable rosaries will be said for me, etc etc etc. I also expect Mom (and maybe Dad too, his reaction is harder to gauge) to have a sense of shame over it, because she lives in a Catholic bubble in which I am currently the source of great pride and will soon become unmentionable to her friends.

In response to questions about why I should tell them at all - well, I guess I could continue to ignore the problem, but it is expected that gay men tell their parents, and in addition to that social pressure I’m just tired of lying all the time. “Did you go to Mass this morning?” “Yes Mom” - even though I did not.

The reason I’m asking about this matter here is that I imagine that many of you are quite like my parents, so it seemed like a good place to ask.

 

[kolya111]

There are a couple of things to consider here. The first is, how close do you want to be with your parents? If you want to be able to enjoy a few holidays every year and a couple quick phone calls the rest of the year, telling them isn’t as important. But if you want to be genuinely close and open, and share your life with them, then you obviously have to tell.

The second issue is your partner. Are you in a long term relationship now? If so, how does he feel about not meeting your family? If you aren’t in a relationship then keep in mind that a lot of men won’t date you unless you are completely out, because understandably, they don’t want to be your dirty secret.

The third consideration is where you will go if your family can’t accept you. Do you have a friend whose family you are close to? What about your boyfriend’s family? It’s important that you won’t be on your own and that you’ll still have a loving support network.

I am close to my parents now and want that to continue to be the case - but I already feel as though we are not as close as we were before because I spend so much time lying about my activities. I think that a false relationship with them is worth risking because it will decline in value over time anyway.

My guy’s family practices conservative orthodox Judaism, so he’s in the same boat. We haven’t been dating that long. You are spot on though - I do not want Mr. Right (whether that’s him or someone I have yet to meet) to be a dirty secret.

The absence of a support network could be a problem, emotionally. Fortunately I am financially independent so material needs are not likely to be a problem.

 

[Joseph73]

My guy’s family practices conservative orthodox Judaism, so he’s in the same boat. We haven’t been dating that long. You are spot on though - I do not want Mr. Right (whether that’s him or someone I have yet to meet) to be a dirty secret.

He’s not Mr. Right, you idiot. You don’t have to be this way. You’re Catholic and you should know better. Your parents sound like really good people. You have deliberately turned away from God and in so doing, deserve any trouble you are currently experiencing.

I love you, man. I’m trying to slap some common sense into you. Don’t be a moron. Go to confession and let it all out to a priest. I promise he will forgive you.

 

[Archaeopteryx]

Ditch the boyfriend. What, are you stupid? Go to confession.

That’s a rude and unnecessary comment.

 

[St_Francis]

Hmmm, you seem to not be considering your parents’ point of view on this.

So… I am your parents, devout Catholics. I can support my child, but not in his sin. I can love my child, but reject his sinful acts.

Now my son comes and tells me he is engaging in sinful activity and expects me to … ? Having read your most recent post, apparently you do not want them to feel distressed; you do not want them to pray for you, and you do not want them to exhort you every time you call.

Look at this from their point of view: “But if every encounter with our son becomes an exhortation to ‘accept his sinfulness,’ or an attempt to coerce the same by threatening to cut off relations if we do not accede to his demand, we will cut him off because our decisions are not his to make.”

Srsly?!?!?! Sounds like you want them to accept you as you are but are unwilling to accept them as they are.

It sounds to me like it’s some sort of rite of passage or requirement to be a “fully” homosexual person that one tells one’s parents. (You mention “expectations” and “social pressure.”) And so you want to do, not the right thing for your parents, not the right thing for your relationship with them, but the “socially correct” thing according to those with whom you hang out.

I can think of a lot of reasons for you to tell them, or to refrain from telling them, but quite honestly, what you have written here does not seem good.

You also do not seem to care very much about your parents when you say, “Obviously I want this process to go smoothly and quickly so **that **can be avoided.”

What are you referring to when you say “that”? Abandoning your relationship with your parents? Why should it go “quickly and smoothly”–so you don’t have to be bothered by the fact you are breaking your parents’s hearts?

Go for Christmas. Be nice to your parents. Unless you come up with a much better, compelling reason to tell them this, then keep it to yourself.

 

[Joseph73]

That’s a rude and unnecessary comment.

It’s very necessary. Dude’s soul is in danger.

 

[Archaeopteryx]

It’s very necessary. Dude’s soul is in danger.

And you hope to rectify this by calling him stupid and a moron ?

 

[Joseph73]

And you hope to rectify this by calling him stupid and a moron ?

Treat others the way you’d want to be treated, that’s what I say.

If I was engaged in something this stupid, I would WANT a slap across the face from my brothers in the faith. I would deserve it.

 

[kolya111]

Hmmm, you seem to not be considering your parents’ point of view on this.

So… I am your parents, devout Catholics. I can support my child, but not in his sin. I can love my child, but reject his sinful acts.

Now my son comes and tells me he is engaging in sinful activity and expects me to … ? Having read your most recent post, apparently you do not want them to feel distressed; you do not want them to pray for you, and you do not want them to exhort you every time you call.

Look at this from their point of view: “But if every encounter with our son becomes an exhortation to ‘accept his sinfulness,’ or an attempt to coerce the same by threatening to cut off relations if we do not accede to his demand, we will cut him off because our decisions are not his to make.”

Srsly?!?!?! Sounds like you want them to accept you as you are but are unwilling to accept them as they are.

It sounds to me like it’s some sort of rite of passage or requirement to be a “fully” homosexual person that one tells one’s parents. (You mention “expectations” and “social pressure.”) And so you want to do, not the right thing for your parents, not the right thing for your relationship with them, but the “socially correct” thing according to those with whom you hang out.

I can think of a lot of reasons for you to tell them, or to refrain from telling them, but quite honestly, what you have written here does not seem good.

You also do not seem to care very much about your parents when you say, “Obviously I want this process to go smoothly and quickly so **that **can be avoided.”

What are you referring to when you say “that”? Abandoning your relationship with your parents? Why should it go “quickly and smoothly”–so you don’t have to be bothered by the fact you are breaking your parents’s hearts?

Go for Christmas. Be nice to your parents. Unless you come up with a much better, compelling reason to tell them this, then keep it to yourself.

They don’t have to “accept [my] sinfulness.” They have to accept the part of me that is everything but that (i.e., most of me) and let the gay-thing rest. They have to “accept” reality and come to terms with that reality (their son is gay, will not be a priest, will not be chaste, will not pray his way straight); I’m not saying they have to like it.

Also yes, I face social pressure to tell them, and that is a selfish reason. But I also am tired of lying to them. What am I supposed to say when my Mom asks about Mass this morning, or reminds me about a Holy Day of Obligation? I could keep lying to her for the next forty years, but that doesn’t seem right.

 

[EasterJoy]

EasterJoy has given superb advice. In most families, especially religious ones, such an admission would only give great pain to the parents. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by “fessin’ up”!
You might well consider talking with a priest before taking any further action in this matter.

Still, I would not judge him if he feels he does need to tell them for his own sake. This is not an unkind truth, a truth that charity would tell him he cannot tell his parents. I am only saying that it is no lie to keep your own counsel when you do not want advice, and sometimes that is preferred in order to prevent pointless strife and anxiety. Still, he may want to try to get his parents to accept this or he may know they would consider it a betrayal for him not to tell. He knows their mind better than we do, even if he can’t know it as well as he would like right now.

For instance, let us say that a married man were to “fall in love” with his sister-in-law. Is it a lie for him not to tell anyone? Of course it isn’t! What if some parents want to put their child in baseball, something that would upset their own parents? Would it be a lie to fail to tell them? No, of course not. It is no lie to remain silent around those who don’t have the right to know. That is what I want to get across to him, because there are a lot of lies flying around that imply that keeping your sex life private is “living a lie.” That is utter nonsense. Many families would be far better off with a lot less “frankness” than they have! I remember Thomas Merton writing that he thought that the vow of silence is the only thing that could allow his Trappist brothers to live in peace with one another.

Humankind is weak. It would be nice if we could all serenely “accept those things we cannot change”, but that is not realistic. Sometimes it is just better to preserve other people from knowledge of the things they cannot change, and spare everyone the fall-out that comes when the knowledge is handled badly.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m also going to add that if you plan to have kids, either through adoption, surrogacy, whatever, that you tell them sooner rather than later. You don’t want to find yourself in a position where you have to say “Mom, Dad, I’m gay. But wait, there’s more! This is my long term boyfriend Carlos and our beautiful daughter Amber”. That would be a lot to throw on anyone, and even if they fully accepted you, they would be understandably hurt to be the last to know and to find out like that.

There’s also one more thing you want to consider. Parents tend to relax and open their hearts when grandchildren are involved. If things go south with your parents, you need to think of how open to reconciliation you will be and when. I say this because if you build a family, you may find that they want to be a part of it. Many people have had their hearts changed by having a gay child, your parents wouldn’t be the first, but it may take some time.

Well, they might be hurt to be the last to know, and they might not. They themselves might have a policy of keeping their own family matters private from people who would not take well to the truth. My own parents would have had a “I have taught you right from wrong; I really do not want you coming to tell me that you’ve chosen to go against that and there is nothing I can do about it.” What would be the point of that? They certainly don’t have a right to know, in any event, and if they have a history of handling difficult information in a counter-productive way, I would feel free to let sleeping dogs lie.

If his parents start pressuring him about a girlfriend or if they make unkind remarks about gays, then sure, he might feel he really has to speak up. In my experience, though, there are parents who know and do not want to know, because they don’t want to be confronted with something they can’t agree with and can’t change.

Some people feel they cannot be close to those that they cannot “tell everything”. I’m not one of them. If the OP does feel that way, then he may feel he needs to tell friends and family things that I wouldn’t. That is OK. My point is that the information is his to disclose or not, as he sees fit. To be private about the matter is not “living a lie” and to tell is not to “ruin Christmas”. How his family chooses to react to his disclosure is their concern, provided he is as gentle and discrete about it as possible (giving them as much room as possible to process the information without disclosing their feelings to those they’d rather not disclose to.) If their Christmas is marred by knowing this information, it will only be his fault if he chooses to stage a drama about it at an inopportune time. If they are the ones staging the drama, then they own the fall-out from that.

 

[St_Francis]

They don’t have to “accept [my] sinfulness.” They have to accept the part of me that is everything but that (i.e., most of me) and let the gay-thing rest. They have to “accept” reality and come to terms with that reality (their son is gay, will not be a priest, will not be chaste, will not pray his way straight); I’m not saying they have to like it.

Also yes, I face social pressure to tell them, and that is a selfish reason. But I also am tired of lying to them. What am I supposed to say when my Mom asks about Mass this morning, or reminds me about a Holy Day of Obligation? I could keep lying to her for the next forty years, but that doesn’t seem right.

It sounds like you have two problems here. One is that you have been telling your parents lies when you tell them you are attending Mass. The *other, *separate problem is the issue of your lifestyle.

I suspect your parents might suspect you are not attending Mass. If I were confident my children were attending Mass, I wouldn’t ask them if they had or remind them to. I would suggest that maybe you consider telling them that you are no longer attending Mass. Try to avoid bringing up the fact that you have been lying about it, but tell them the truth if they ask.

I would suggest not telling them the rest at least until they have had the chance to digest this, and until you are much clearer in your motives for telling them about your current lifestyle.

I say this because I suspect that you feel guilty about lying to them in one area and this has become entangled with the social pressure you feel to “be open” about the rest. Does that make sense?

Then, once that has been out of the way for a while, you can consider the issue of telling them about your lifestyle. There are reasons for telling them, and there are reasons for not telling them. There are also good attitudes to have in telling them, and… not-so-good attitudes.

I think your attitude of holding their relationship with you hostage is a really bad attitude, for several reasons. It is unfair to them–did you not go through some angst and need to accept? Well, so do they. It seems unfair for you to expect them to handle this in a way that is comfortable to you or you will cut off ties, doesn’t it?

Additionally, I would suggest that the reason you tell them have to do with them or with your relationship with them. What *good *will it do to tell them? The good will have to be pretty big to overcome the bad, no? I’m not saying it would be wrong to tell them, but to tell them because of peer pressure or to fill a personal need of your own would be… let’s face it, selfish.

I think that you do really care for your parents–you have shown this in several ways here on this thread and also just by coming here to ask this question, and I know many families have worked this sort of thing out. You have gotten a lot of good suggestions for telling your parents, and I hope you will be able to choose from among them what will be most helpful to your parents.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It sounds like you have two problems here. One is that you have been telling your parents lies when you tell them you are attending Mass. The *other, *separate problem is the issue of your lifestyle.

I suspect your parents might suspect you are not attending Mass. If I were confident my children were attending Mass, I wouldn’t ask them if they had or remind them to. I would suggest that maybe you consider telling them that you are no longer attending Mass. Try to avoid bringing up the fact that you have been lying about it, but tell them the truth if they ask.

I would suggest not telling them the rest at least until they have had the chance to digest this, and until you are much clearer in your motives for telling them about your current lifestyle.

I say this because I suspect that you feel guilty about lying to them in one area and this has become entangled with the social pressure you feel to “be open” about the rest. Does that make sense?

Then, once that has been out of the way for a while, you can consider the issue of telling them about your lifestyle. There are reasons for telling them, and there are reasons for not telling them. There are also good attitudes to have in telling them, and… not-so-good attitudes.

I think your attitude of holding their relationship with you hostage is a really bad attitude, for several reasons. It is unfair to them–did you not go through some angst and need to accept? Well, so do they. It seems unfair for you to expect them to handle this in a way that is comfortable to you or you will cut off ties, doesn’t it?

Additionally, I would suggest that the reason you tell them have to do with them or with your relationship with them. What *good *will it do to tell them? The good will have to be pretty big to overcome the bad, no? I’m not saying it would be wrong to tell them, but to tell them because of peer pressure or to fill a personal need of your own would be… let’s face it, selfish.

I think that you do really care for your parents–you have shown this in several ways here on this thread and also just by coming here to ask this question, and I know many families have worked this sort of thing out. You have gotten a lot of good suggestions for telling your parents, and I hope you will be able to choose from among them what will be most helpful to your parents.

I don’t think it’s selfish to tell his parents to “fill a personal need”. Let’s face it, he’s 24, he’s dating a guy, and his patents have no idea. I know that regardless of whether or not I agreed with the things my children do, I would still want to know who they are, what they do, and even, who they love and eventually, the family they have. Wanting to be close to your parents may be a personal need, but it isn’t selfish. Just like wanting to be close to your adult children may be a personal need, but no one calls that selfish.

Here’s the most compelling reason why he should tell: Because the longer he waits, the bigger this will be. Right now he’s 24 and newly dating someone. If he waits until he’s 30 and settling down with Mr. Right, his parents are going to be crushed that he’s known for so long and never told them. If he keeps it a secret forever, well, to start with, it would get out. But even if it wouldn’t, his parents would wonder why he only spends half the holidays with them. And if he plans on children, he should definitely tell.

I think you should give the OP credit. He’s said repeatedly that he understands that they will feel many things initially, but it is ongoing pleads or demands that he won’t tolerate. That’s a very reasonable attitude. He’s going to give them some time, but he won’t allow them to turn every discussion into why he should change.

 

[JimG]

I really don’t see the point in telling one’s parents something that you know is bound to hurt them, especially about one’s sex life, which is a personal matter.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Think about the long term implications of that though. As a parent, would you really never want to know? What if he ends up marrying and building a home with someone? You wouldn’t want to know? What should he do when his parents visit? What if he has kids someday? Should his parents never be told of their grandchildren? Yeah, telling them will hurt everyone. But this is about more than sex. If he just liked having random sex with strange men, I would agree with you. But his orientation will affect the type of family he eventually has. I think his parents deserve a shot at being a part of that family.

 

[EasterJoy]

They don’t have to “accept [my] sinfulness.” They have to accept the part of me that is everything but that (i.e., most of me) and let the gay-thing rest. They have to “accept” reality and come to terms with that reality (their son is gay, will not be a priest, will not be chaste, will not pray his way straight); I’m not saying they have to like it.

Also yes, I face social pressure to tell them, and that is a selfish reason. But I also am tired of lying to them. What am I supposed to say when my Mom asks about Mass this morning, or reminds me about a Holy Day of Obligation? I could keep lying to her for the next forty years, but that doesn’t seem right.

OK, let’s get a few things straight here.

Yes, you are proposing asking them to remain silent in the face of your sinfulness, because you have said that if they were to continually remind you that you face eternal harm for your choice you will cut off contact with them. If you seeing maintaining silence as a kind of a lie, then you’re giving them the choice to lie about their moral view of you or else to give up contact with you. If they were to do that to you–that is, insist that you conform to their moral view or else give up contact–you would say they were rejecting you, that they were using relational aggression to manipulate you. Do you not see that this is exactly what you are proposing to do to them?

If you want to live a life of integrity without forcing yourself to be discrete when frankness would cause conflict, then you’re going to have to grow up and live with the conflict that comes with that choice. If you can’t keep secrets from your parents, then accept that they will see it as their duty to try to turn you from your self-enslavement just as surely as if your immoral choice was illicit drugs instead of illicit sex. Don’t be a hypocrite and expect that you get to voice your moral code and yet expect them to be silent about their own. According to their moral code, they have a duty to offer their son fraternal correction whenever he is in mortal sin. That means it is their duty to correct you when you are upfront that you have abandoned the faith and have chosen to act out on a disorder passion because you don’t believe that mastering that passion is an option.

If you want to be free of your parents corrections, then keep your mouth shut about the ways in which you have rejected your upbringing. If they find out the truth and want to know why you didn’t tell them, then you can tell them the truth: You didn’t tell them because to do so would be to give them the duty to tell you things that you would reject them for saying. It would not have been fair to put them in that spot when you could have avoided it simply by maintaining a legitimate level of privacy about your sex life.

If you have to tell them, then you need to “accept” that they may see fit to correct you. You are a free moral actor; you can take their correction without acting on it. If you choose not to go to Church, then be an adult and either bear the cost of keeping your own mouth shut or else bear the cost of listening to those who disagree with your choices. If you think they’d be wrong to cut off contact because they think your moral choices are wrong, then don’t resolve to cut them off if you think their moral choices are wrong. Make your choices and live with the natural consequences. Don’t try to have your cake and eat it, too, sticking your parents with the bill. That is just wrong.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

OK, let’s get a few things straight here.

Yes, you are proposing asking them to remain silent in the face of your sinfulness, because you have said that if they were to continually remind you that you face eternal harm for your choice you will cut off contact with them. If you seeing maintaining silence as a kind of a lie, then you’re giving them the choice to lie about their moral view of you or else to give up contact with you. If they were to do that to you–that is, insist that you conform to their moral view or else give up contact–you would say they were rejecting you, that they were using relational aggression to manipulate you. Do you not see that this is exactly what you are proposing to do to them?

If you want to live a life of integrity without forcing yourself to be discrete when frankness would cause conflict, then you’re going to have to grow up and live with the conflict that comes with that choice. If you can’t keep secrets from your parents, then accept that they will see it as their duty to try to turn you from your self-enslavement just as surely as if your immoral choice was illicit drugs instead of illicit sex. Don’t be a hypocrite and expect that you get to voice your moral code and yet expect them to be silent about their own. According to their moral code, they have a duty to offer their son fraternal correction whenever he is in mortal sin. That means it is their duty to correct you when you are upfront that you have abandoned the faith and have chosen to act out on a disorder passion because you don’t believe that mastering that passion is an option.

If you want to be free of your parents corrections, then keep your mouth shut about the ways in which you have rejected your upbringing. If they find out the truth and want to know why you didn’t tell them, then you can tell them the truth: You didn’t tell them because to do so would be to give them the duty to tell you things that you would reject them for saying. It would not have been fair to put them in that spot when you could have avoided it simply by maintaining a legitimate level of privacy about your sex life.

If you have to tell them, then you need to “accept” that they may see fit to correct you. You are a free moral actor; you can take their correction without acting on it. If you choose not to go to Church, then be an adult and either bear the cost of keeping your own mouth shut or else bear the cost of listening to those who disagree with your choices. If you think they’d be wrong to cut off contact because they think your moral choices are wrong, then don’t resolve to cut them off if you think their moral choices are wrong. Make your choices and live with the natural consequences. Don’t try to have your cake and eat it, too, sticking your parents with the bill. That is just wrong.

Yeah, right. There is no way that you, I, or any self-respecting adult would do this, nor should anyone have to.

Let’s say that you were raised as a southern Baptist. You grow up and convert to Catholicism? Do you tell your parents? Let’s say you keep it a secret, nod and smile when they talk to you about Baptist stuff and events, and maybe you occasionally go to church with them. Fine. But then you meet a great Catholic man, fall in love, and decide to get married. Obviously, you can’t keep hiding you Catholicism. So you tell them, and there’s a huge blow up, everyone goes into their separate corners, this blows over, and you are all ready to have a relationship. Great.

Except now, all your parents want to do is beg you to come back to the Baptist church. They use every visit and phone call as an excuse to tell you that you’re sinning, that you need to leave your husband and come back to the way they raised you. Maybe they are able to keep calm when you baptize your kids Catholic, or maybe they aren’t. Regardless, they make it clear that the home in which you are raising your kids is unfit and immoral. And here’s the best part, they never let this go, because it is their “duty” to correct you, and you gave them that duty when you told them that you were Catholic. If you didn’t want this, you needed to hide your entire life, your family, your husband, and your kids from them.

You wouldn’t tolerate that, and neither would I. You would eventually say “Look, you know that I love you both, I love the life you gave me and I will always be grateful to you. But this is who I am, and I’m happy with it. If you can’t stop turning every conversation into an excuse to bash my family, then I’m sorry, we can’t continue with these get-togethers”. And you would be perfectly reasonable and well within your rights. Likewise, it is not out of line for him to say “I love you both, but this is who I am and how I live, and it won’t change. If we can’t visit and talk without everything coming back to how you don’t approve of my choices and how you can’t accept me, then I’m sorry, but we can’t keep doing this”.

Turning out differently than your parents wanted does not give them a blank check to say whatever they want, whenever they want to, nor does it oblige you to listen. Good personal boundaries are healthy, and yes, sometimes they even need to be put in place with parents.

 

[EasterJoy]

Think about the long term implications of that though. As a parent, would you really never want to know? What if he ends up marrying and building a home with someone? You wouldn’t want to know? What should he do when his parents visit? What if he has kids someday? Should his parents never be told of their grandchildren? Yeah, telling them will hurt everyone. But this is about more than sex. If he just liked having random sex with strange men, I would agree with you. But his orientation will affect the type of family he eventually has. I think his parents deserve a shot at being a part of that family.

As a parent, I respect that my children have a right to the amount of privacy they choose and their right to disclose what they want to disclose about their life to me when they choose to disclose it. Respect for others includes respect for their right to set their boundaries where they decide, not where I decide.

My children are 14. They still tell me things, but they also know that their private thoughts are theirs. I don’t have a right to crawl into their heads and know everything they’re thinking. That is controlling. They are twins, and they don’t even tell their own twin everything. They tell me some things that they don’t tell him, they tell their dad things they don’t tell me, and they tell me things that they don’t tell anyone else. That is their right.

What I want my children to know is that their choices are their choices and mine are mine. We each set our own boundaries and accept the consequences. To accept me is to accept that I have to do my duty as I see it. You don’t have to agree with it, you don’t have to let me usurp decisions that rightfully belong to you, and you don’t have to stick around and give me the gift of listening when my duty is to speak out.

As Mr. Frost put it, good fences make good neighbors. Good boundaries make good families. Those boundaries can only work if we all accept the truth that God put a limit on our legitimate influence over others. We make our own choices; we allow them to make theirs. If we give up the expectation that everyone is going to applaud us and agree with us and avoid all things that could possibly stir up conflict within us, that leaves a very large middle ground.

 

[kolya111]

Thanks again, all, for feedback.

EasterJoy & St. Francis, you may be right that I have unreasonable expectations about the level of silence I can win from my parents, and I might have to accept low-level conflict on this point into perpetuity. However, I do think BlueEyedLady is correct when she notes that the truth will come out inevitably. Telling them is a question of when and how, not if. Some members of my extended family already know (cousins), and it is probable that if I don’t tell them, sooner or later someone else will.

St. Francis, the reason I lie to my mother about going to Mass is that if I said I wasn’t attending, she would ask why, and while there are many reasons for that, this is the big one. She’s not the type to take “I don’t want to tell you why” for an answer.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

As a parent, I respect that my children have a right to the amount of privacy they choose and their right to disclose what they want to disclose about their life to me when they choose to disclose it. Respect for others includes respect for their right to set their boundaries where they decide, not where I decide.

My children are 14. They still tell me things, but they also know that their private thoughts are theirs. I don’t have a right to crawl into their heads and know everything they’re thinking. That is controlling. They are twins, and they don’t even tell their own twin everything. They tell me some things that they don’t tell him, they tell their dad things they don’t tell me, and they tell me things that they don’t tell anyone else. That is their right.

What I want my children to know is that their choices are their choices and mine are mine. We each set our own boundaries and accept the consequences. To accept me is to accept that I have to do my duty as I see it. You don’t have to agree with it, you don’t have to let me usurp decisions that rightfully belong to you, and you don’t have to stick around and give me the gift of listening when my duty is to speak out.

As Mr. Frost put it, good fences make good neighbors. Good boundaries make good families. Those boundaries can only work if we all accept the truth that God put a limit on our legitimate influence over others. We make our own choices; we allow them to make theirs. If we give up the expectation that everyone is going to applaud us and agree with us and avoid all things that could possibly stir up conflict within us, that leaves a very large middle ground.

I’m going to go ahead and make an educated guess that if your twins were 30 and one of them got married, got pregnant, had a child, and you didn’t find out that you had a grandchild until the kid was 3, you would be devastated, crushed, and the furthest thing from your mind would be respecting the privacy of your daughter and understanding that there are things she wouldn’t want to tell you.

There’s a difference between keeping things to yourself (my mom doesn’t know that I occasionally smoke cigarettes, and she certainly didn’t know about it when I was smoking a pack a day), and excluding your parents from your life and family by default.