I'm gay. How do I tell my parents?

[allycat10]

.
How do I make this easy on everyone? If I was your son, how would you want me to tell you? Appreciate your thoughts.

I haven’t read all of the replies to your thread, but I am sure many have already said that there is no “easy” button for this one. With only knowing that you were raised in a devoutly Catholic home, this news will be a huge devastating blow to your parents should you tell them.

I have two daughters and while they are young, I have thought about how I would react to this situation if one of them decided to choose a gay lifestyle. Part of me thinks I would not want to know. It would be too painful. If she did tell me, I know a few things are true:

1. **My love for her would never cease. I bore her from my womb and love her as the gift God gave me. ** Loving her wouldn’t equate to condoning her behavior though.
2. I would be understandably hurt and quite possibly angry with her.
3. I would expect her to respect my decision in not allowing her partner/lover in my home, attending “wedding” etc.
4. I would NEVER want my daughter to walk out of my life because I could not stand by her decision. It would completely devastate me, but there is no way I could condone her lifestyle choice.

All of this very difficult kolya. Perhaps if you still have a connection with God, you should pray. Pray about it all.

BTW: If you decide to tell your parents, wait until the Christmas season is over.

 

[PendingTheist]

So it is a fact that God exists.

I think it’s entirely objective—how can you not say this? boggles the mind—to say homosexuality is unusual and a disorder. It occurs less frequently than 3-4% of the human population.

There are more redheads.

Does that make redheads an unusual disorder? Describe it objectively as a “rare” finding, not condescending opinions, that’s all.

 

[PendingTheist]

I haven’t read all of the replies to your thread, but I am sure many have already said that there is no “easy” button for this one. With only knowing that you were raised in a devoutly Catholic home, this news will be a huge devastating blow to your parents should you tell them.

I have two daughters and while they are young, I have thought about how I would react to this situation if one of them decided to choose a gay lifestyle. Part of me thinks I would not want to know. It would be too painful. If she did tell me, I know a few things are true:

1. **My love for her would never cease. I bore her from my womb and love her as the gift God gave me. ** Loving her wouldn’t equate to condoning her behavior though.
2. I would be understandably hurt and quite possibly angry with her.
3. I would expect her to respect my decision in not allowing her partner/lover in my home, attending “wedding” etc.
4. I would NEVER want my daughter to walk out of my life because I could not stand by her decision. It would completely devastate me, but there is no way I could condone her lifestyle choice.

All of this very difficult kolya. Perhaps if you still have a connection with God, you should pray. Pray about it all.

BTW: If you decide to tell your parents, wait until the Christmas season is over.

If you believe in the marriage and commitment between two people in love and you refuse to allow your daughter’s lover to come to your house, then you risk losing her relationship with you because you are unable to put aside archaic men’s dogma and should respect her decision to be committed to her partner. You should enjoy the love you share with your daughter in this only finite life unless some other consequences arise like she is a physical threat to your health and or life. Shame on you! Read Deuteronomy 22:29 and see how God uses marriage as a duty, rather than a commited loving relationship, after a man rapes a virgin woman. Nice values God has don’t you think?

 

[Peter_J]

So basically you are creating your own Gospel according to Peter J using your OWN reason as your guide.

I guess you could say that (although what would you think of calling it “The Jericho Bible”? That seems catchier. ) in the same way that you could call my understanding of the U.S. Constitution “The Constitution According to Peter J”, or in the same way that you could call my understanding of the Theory of Relativity “Relativity According to Peter J”. However, I’m not seeing much point behind your rhetoric.

On a more general note, I’m not going to try to stop you from stating your views, but I wonder if you shouldn’t start a new thread for them. (Have you forgotten what this thread is about?)

 

[Peter_J]

So it is a fact that God exists.

I think it’s entirely objective—how can you not say this? boggles the mind—to say homosexuality is unusual and a disorder. **It occurs less frequently than 3-4% of the human population.

There are more redheads.**

Captain, though I don’t agree with PendingTheist on much, I must admit that I’m as mystified as him/her regarding the highlighted portion. (Not that I’m a redhead mind you.)

 

[PendingTheist]

I guess you could say that (although what would you think of calling it “The Jericho Bible”? That seems catchier. ) in the same way that you could call my understanding of the U.S. Constitution “The Constitution According to Peter J”, or in the same way that you could call my understanding of the Theory of Relativity “Relativity According to Peter J”. However, I’m not seeing much point behind your rhetoric.

On a more general note, I’m not going to try to stop you from stating your views, but I wonder if you shouldn’t start a new thread for them. (Have you forgotten what this thread is about?)

The constitution and relativity don’t threatens one’s salvation by a misunderstanding. That’s the difference. A perfect God should have a Perfect way to communicate as He is not the author of confusion (I Corinth 14:33) despite the evidence the scripture is confusing. Sorry couldn’t help but to comment.

 

[Peter_J]

I guess you could say that (although what would you think of calling it “The Jericho Bible”? That seems catchier. ) in the same way that you could call my understanding of the U.S. Constitution “The Constitution According to Peter J”, or in the same way that you could call my understanding of the Theory of Relativity “Relativity According to Peter J”. However, I’m not seeing much point behind your rhetoric.

P.S. In case you’ve gotten the wrong idea about me, I follow Catholic teachings (concerning interpretations of bible for example).

 

[EnglishTeacher]

On a more general note, I’m not going to try to stop you from stating your views, but I wonder if you shouldn’t start a new thread for them. (Have you forgotten what this thread is about?)

2nd that. It’s pretty much hijacking the thread.

Back to the original topic-- I would only say that you should wait before telling your parents. The holidays, especially Christmas, are not a good time for this type of conversation. Wait and give it a little more time and thought.

 

[Cristiano]

Does that make redheads an unusual disorder? Describe it objectively as a “rare” finding, not condescending opinions, that’s all.

I think that you are looking at the use of “disorder” in a different manner from the way the Church has used it for centuries. It is not appropriate touse your definition to criticize a statement that is based on a different and less demining definition. If you search these threads you should be able to find a post by JReducation where he relates the proper definition used by the Church. I am not going to paraphrase him because I would,just create more confusion, I will search again for the post too.

UPDATE:

http://forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=7102763&postcount=45

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=9227610&postcount=32

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=8403050&postcount=65

 

[Rau]

The constitution and relativity don’t threatens one’s salvation by a misunderstanding. That’s the difference. A perfect God should have a Perfect way to communicate as He is not the author of confusion (I Corinth 14:33) despite the evidence the scripture is confusing. Sorry couldn’t help but to comment.

Start a new thread and have a full conversation on your topic. You won’t get the discussion you want through tangential comments in other threads. Start your first thread…

 

[St_Francis]

Caught red-handed!

Yes, I teach philosophy. So my panties got all in a bunch, I admit, when you said my claim about the immorality of premarital sex was bad philosophy.

(Wait, did I just confess to wearing panties? Oh the humanity!)

Oh, well, you probably know just a tad more about philosophy than i do… I dropped all my phil courses because they seemed like hogwash–not to surprising since the courses were all on the more recent philosophers, skipping over the good guys (#1 being St Thomas Aquinas ). So I am very much an amateur.

Some people – myself included – have a dysfunctional relationship with fear. If I’m afraid of the consequences of something, that often makes me more likely to do it. I don’t know what the psychological explanation for this is, but it’s a very real phenomenon. Perhaps it has to do with a person feeling worthy of condemnation, and so pursuing activities that they know will cause them physical and emotional pain. But, strangely, pursuing these activities – in the short run – takes the pain away. That’s how compulsive activity works.

Now, I don’t think most teenagers live compulsively. Impulsively, yes. Compulsively, no.

So, you’re saying that psychology has something to do with all this? Do you think that the mixed-up psychology of an individual would mitigate the guilt for their actions? (Just wondering).

Also, there is a huge distinction between saying that the typical consequences of an action make the action bad, and saying that we should motivate people to do the right thing by using these consequences. The best way to motivate people to do the right thing is to bring them to the feet of Christ, and have Him transform them. All other ways involve the danger of turning the person either into a Pharisee.

Well, to me the idea of using the typical consequences is rather dangerous, so I can certainly agree with you there, altho it did seem to me earlier that you were sort of advocating doing that, butI may have misunderstood your intention there.

And certainly bringing someone to Christ would be a lot better

I have no real comment here, but I love your use of the word “nother”.

It just seems wrong the right way

Well, I think the love of God is the ultimate consequence. Aquinas thought that happiness was the goal of all our actions, but that ultimate happiness is only found in knowing and being known by God.

But even this does not explain *why *sin is sin. God’s commands are not arbitrary. We do not obey them because God said so, as if God could just as well have said the opposite. God tells us to obey because following the moral law is good for us, and good for others. Ideally, we are motivated by love for God, ourselves, and one another. Moral actions are moral because they conform to the good of created beings. If premarital sex helped people thrive, it would be morally permissible. But it doesn’t help people thrive.

Yes, I see what you are saying here: it’s not that God’s telling us it’s wrong which makes it wrong, it’s that it’s wrong which makes God tell us so.

Good example. In this case, the desire to hold onto one’s boyfriend is based on a mistaken conception of love. If your boyfriend will ditch you because you refuse to have sex, he does not really love you. But then he’s not the type of person who will be good for you, in the long run. So what we have here is a person who cherry-picks consequences: she only pays attention to the consequences that she feels like paying attention to. That’s no way to live a life!

Ahhh, cafeteria consequences.

Well, when I was engaging in premarital sex, I didn’t stop just because I saw how wrong it was. In the perversity of my heart, I *wanted *to use my girlfriend and be used by her. We went on doing this for months. But the whole experience was depersonalizing and sad.

Yes, I see.

 

[St_Francis]

Caught red-handed!

Yes, I teach philosophy. So my panties got all in a bunch, I admit, when you said my claim about the immorality of premarital sex was bad philosophy.

(Wait, did I just confess to wearing panties? Oh the humanity!)

Oh, well, you probably know just a tad more about philosophy than i do… I dropped all my phil courses because they seemed like hogwash–not to surprising since the courses were all on the more recent philosophers, skipping over the good guys (#1 being St Thomas Aquinas ). So I am very much an amateur.

Some people – myself included – have a dysfunctional relationship with fear. If I’m afraid of the consequences of something, that often makes me more likely to do it. I don’t know what the psychological explanation for this is, but it’s a very real phenomenon. Perhaps it has to do with a person feeling worthy of condemnation, and so pursuing activities that they know will cause them physical and emotional pain. But, strangely, pursuing these activities – in the short run – takes the pain away. That’s how compulsive activity works.

Now, I don’t think most teenagers live compulsively. Impulsively, yes. Compulsively, no.

So, you’re saying that psychology has something to do with all this? Do you think that the mixed-up psychology of an individual would mitigate the guilt for their actions? (Just wondering).

Also, there is a huge distinction between saying that the typical consequences of an action make the action bad, and saying that we should motivate people to do the right thing by using these consequences. The best way to motivate people to do the right thing is to bring them to the feet of Christ, and have Him transform them. All other ways involve the danger of turning the person either into a Pharisee.

Well, to me the idea of using the typical consequences is rather dangerous, so I can certainly agree with you there, altho it did seem to me earlier that you were sort of advocating doing that, butI may have misunderstood your intention there.

And certainly bringing someone to Christ would be a lot better

I have no real comment here, but I love your use of the word “nother”.

It just seems wrong the right way :Lol:

Well, I think the love of God is the ultimate consequence. Aquinas thought that happiness was the goal of all our actions, but that ultimate happiness is only found in knowing and being known by God.

But even this does not explain *why *sin is sin. God’s commands are not arbitrary. We do not obey them because God said so, as if God could just as well have said the opposite. God tells us to obey because following the moral law is good for us, and good for others. Ideally, we are motivated by love for God, ourselves, and one another. Moral actions are moral because they conform to the good of created beings. If premarital sex helped people thrive, it would be morally permissible. But it doesn’t help people thrive.

Yes, I see what you are saying here: it’s not that God’s telling us it’s wrong which makes it wrong, it’s that it’s wrong which makes God tell us so.

Good example. In this case, the desire to hold onto one’s boyfriend is based on a mistaken conception of love. If your boyfriend will ditch you because you refuse to have sex, he does not really love you. But then he’s not the type of person who will be good for you, in the long run. So what we have here is a person who cherry-picks consequences: she only pays attention to the consequences that she feels like paying attention to. That’s no way to live a life!

Ahhh, cafeteria consequences.

Well, when I was engaging in premarital sex, I didn’t stop just because I saw how wrong it was. In the perversity of my heart, I *wanted *to use my girlfriend and be used by her. We went on doing this for months. But the whole experience was depersonalizing and sad.

Yes, I see.

 

[kolya111]

So it is a fact that God exists.

I think it’s entirely objective—how can you not say this? boggles the mind—to say homosexuality is unusual and a disorder. It occurs less frequently than 3-4% of the human population.

There are more redheads.

Redheads are actually less common, at ~2% of the population. Also, while you are correct that the number of purely homosexual people is low, the portion of individuals who experience same-sex attraction at one point or another is higher than 3-4%.

Lastly, I don’t make apologies; “disordered” or not, being gay is awesome!

BTW: If you decide to tell your parents, wait until the Christmas season is over.

That does seem to be a consensus recommendation and one that I’ll probably be taking.

 

[Cristiano]

Lastly, I don’t make apologies; “disordered” or not, being gay is awesome!

Who are you,trying to convince?

I assume that you are not using the main meaning of awesome as in generating fear or terror but as in a more colloquial form meaning pleasurable.

 

[Peter_J]

Originally Posted by Captain America
So it is a fact that God exists.

I don’t know one way or the other, but it seems pointless to argue about it anyhow, since I don’t consider red-headedness to be a disorder.

 

[Jimdandy]

Kolya, I believe that it is very possible that your Mom already knows. I would suggest that you spend some time in Adoration and ask Jesus to help you decide if this Christmas is the time to discuss this with your parents. God loves you immensely, much more than your parents and He has not abandoned you, and He never will. Surely you could find a few minutes to discuss this with Him-then listen.

 

[HerrZJA]

Koyla,

Twelve pages in and I’m not even sure you’re reading the thread anymore, so if you are, good on you. The reaction has certainly been mixed and I know myself I probably wouldn’t have even asked the question.

In ways that are similar with you and at the same time different, I too struggle with sexual appetites that are not aligned with the teachings of the Church, and indeed these teachings have been a sticking point in my initial and daily conversion ever since I “found God” at the ripe old age of 20 (I’m just a little younger than you). In some ways I have learned to accept the teaching and in other ways I operate under a “that is not what Person X believes” type of a mentality. There are those here who would suggest I am remiss in my Faithful Duties to not have that argument with people, but…

I don’t have children. I’m far too young, for one thing, and for another, the woman I hope I might one day have the blessing to be married to does not live in the same city as me, and we have not in fact lived in the same city for several years now, though we see each other regularly. If I were to be blessed with that opportunity, and our vocation was to parenthood, I would hope my child, like yourself, would be honest and forthright with themselves over their state in life.

If it was me as your parent, I would want to tell you. Whether I would continue to “sit on the fence” as far as my appreciation for Catholic teaching on sexuality is an open issue. I feel no animosity toward non-heterosexuals, nor am I particularly repulsed by their actions - like I said, I, like many men my age, don’t have entirely Catechesis-sanctioned sexual appetites. Unlike most of the sins, I have difficulty finding fault in this way.

Maybe someone can pray for us both over that. I dunno.

Tell your parents.

-Z

Edit: As some others have said, your mother seems to already know.

 

[BOProof]

If you’re still reading this Kolya111, my advice, as someone who was in a similar position, is to give them some time before you set an ultimatum into effect. Maybe a year. After that, you can cut them out of your life if that’s in your best interest.

I also recommend that you tell them about not attending church at a different time that you tell them you’re gay.

Also, if you tell them you’re gay by telling them you have a boyfriend, many parents in that situation blame the boyfriend for making their son gay (as if making someone gay is a bad thing), so I would recommend holding off telling them about you boyfriend for a little bit after you tell them you’re gay.

 

[Rau]

Also, if you tell them you’re gay by telling them you have a boyfriend, many parents in that situation blame the boyfriend for making their son gay (as if making someone gay is a bad thing), so I would recommend holding off telling them about you boyfriend for a little bit after you tell them you’re gay.

Make them gay? I’ve been wondering how that would work? For the bulk of heterosexuals, that presumably is not achievable. For someone with a degree of SSA, but who has not succumbed, or perhaps a latent and not fully recognised SSA, perhaps they could be drawn into a gay encounter, and may fall into a relationsip. But, I imagine that would involve encouraging and tempting the individual to engage is same sex acts. That would be a “bad thing”, for both parties, would it not?

 

[Demetra2]

That doesn’t make much sense. Wanting them to accept you and still love you is reasonable. Offering an ultimatum and threatening to walk out on their lives if they don’t accept it is not. That’s not what someone looking to preserve a relationship does.

I agree with this. The OP’s attitude seems quite immature here. Kind of like “it’s my way or the highway” ultimatum with very little empathy or ownership for the sorrow which he will thrust upon his parents. Whatever you decide to do try to imagine how they will feel. Put yourself in their shoes. They probably want the very best for you and that means being an authentic Catholic. It certainly is not the best choice to choose your current boyfriend over God.! Yikes! Repeat those words to yourself in church. Say" I choose my boyfriend over You Jesus." If you have any glimmer of faith in you, that statement will feel horrible. Please find an Eucharistic adoration chapel and start going and ask Jesus to help you with your faith. Get a copy of the Catechism and start reading it. Go to confession as often as needed. Go to church every week. Be the chaste man that God wants you to be even if it is a cross. Good luck and may God give you strength to do the right thing.