I'm gay. How do I tell my parents?

[Prodigal_Son]

To all of you talking about the comparison between interracial marriage and homosexual relationships:

You are trying to point out a blind spot in BOProof’s comparison. But – and I say this as an orthodox Catholic – I think many of US have a blind spot here.

Suppose that your son had a wife, who was sweet and charming and lovable. Through some circumstance, however, you discover that your son and this woman are involved in sadomasochistic practices. These practices are never discussed publicly, and they do not insist that you accept the practices.

Would any Catholic parent refuse to allow this woman into their house, merely because of the sinful action these two people engage in in private? I doubt it. The parents would find it uncomfortable, perhaps, but would not actionable.

I think there is no moral difference between the S&M scenario above, and the scenario where a son brings a gay partner to family events. The fact that we see a huge difference is a failure of charity, on our part. After all, you would let your heterosexual son bring a male friend to dinner, no? So the difference is the sin, but the sin exists in the S&M scenario too.

Maybe I’m off base here, I dunno. But I know from first-hand experience that gay people feel like their sins are treated as particularly awful, and this hurts. Is the sin of oral sex to orgasm any less sinful for a straight couple than a gay couple? And yet we consider excluding the gay person from the family, whereas we wouldn’t even dream of criticizing the straight couple to their faces.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

BOProof,

I’m confused about one thing. Would you agree that we should unconditionally love members of our families? If so, then how is cutting off your parents from your life an expression of unconditional love? I can understand making some changes, but your recommended course of action does look more like blackmail than unconditional love.

 

[frobert]

It seems that we don’t give parents enough credit when confronted with the fact that their child is homosexual. Over the past few years Americans have moved dramatically toward acceptance of homosexuality. Based on world wide statistics this acceptance is likely to continue to grow. When asked “should society accept homosexuality” the proportion of people who support social acceptance of gays and lesbians ranged from a high of 88% in Spain to a low of 1% in Nigeria:

Upon learning that their child is gay, common reactions of parents follow the 5 stages of grief: (1) denial, (2) anger, (3) bargaining, (4) depression and finally (5) acceptance. Unfortunately a few parents will not reach the acceptance stage and will have to deal with the lose of their child’s love and give up the joy of their child’s company and companionship in their old age.

World Chart of Acceptance:

 

[Corki]

What you call blackmail I call reasonable conditions.

I would suggest the same thing for other situations in which an apples-to-apples comparison can be made. An example of such an apples-to-apples analogy would be if your parents welcomed all of their children’s boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses except yours simply because of your boyfriend’s race. Getting over that hangup enough to at least be welcoming to the boyfriend is a very reasonable condition to set in order to show up on holidays and other events.

If the parents are unwelcoming to one’s boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse for no reason other than race or gender (the latter of which could happen to kolya111), and is unable to make even minimal adjustments in a year, then it probably isn’t worth including them in your life beyond checking to see if they have made such improvements.

That’s not an apples to apples comparison. An apples to apples comparison would be if your parents welcomed your sibllings’ spouses but not your married boyfriend over for the holidays. Or if your parents let married couples spend the night but not boyfriends or girlfriends.

The parents are not unwelcoming of the boyfriend or girlfriend (in the case of a same sex couple) for who they ARE, as compared to race or religion but for what they are doing. And that’s not a “hangup”, it’s moral discernment. I wouldn’t let my kids do drugs in my house and I won’t let them flaunt an immoral lifestyle in my house. I would still love them and be supportive of them and would expect the same.

If you can’t accept your parent for being faithful Catholics, you are a bigot. If you cut them out of your live for living up to their own morals and not accepting who you want them to, you are a blackmailer.

 

[frobert]

If you can’t accept your parent for being faithful Catholics, you are a bigot. If you cut them out of your live for living up to their own morals and not accepting who you want them to, you are a blackmailer.

It seems that you are making an assumption that may be true in some cases but certainly not in all. Parents are not forced to accept the morality of their child’s sexuality and the child in most cases will not blackmail the parent to do so. However their is reality and there are many arrangements that can be made well short of total or partial rejection that will be acceptable to both parent and child. The goal is to maintain the family and not for one party to blackmail the other.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

If you can’t accept your parent for being faithful Catholics, you are a bigot.

Don’t we criticize homosexual activists for throwing around the word “bigot”, as a technique of rhetorical intimidation? I mean, what else does the word “bigot” do but bully people?

If we don’t want them to bully us, we shouldn’t bully them.

 

[St_Francis]

That’s not an apples to apples comparison. An apples to apples comparison would be if your parents welcomed your sibllings’ spouses but not your married boyfriend over for the holidays. Or if your parents let married couples spend the night but not boyfriends or girlfriends.

The parents are not unwelcoming of the boyfriend or girlfriend (in the case of a same sex couple) for who they ARE, as compared to race or religion but for what they are doing. And that’s not a “hangup”, it’s moral discernment. I wouldn’t let my kids do drugs in my house and I won’t let them flaunt an immoral lifestyle in my house. I would still love them and be supportive of them and would expect the same.

If you can’t accept your parent for being faithful Catholics, you are a bigot. If you cut them out of your live for living up to their own morals and not accepting who you want them to, you are a blackmailer.

You directly replied to the points made by the poster, pointed out the difference in morality between the various groups involved, and addressed the injustice of the judgement against the parents.

And so concisely

 

[St_Francis]

Don’t we criticize homosexual activists for throwing around the word “bigot”, as a technique of rhetorical intimidation? I mean, what else does the word “bigot” do but bully people?

If we don’t want them to bully us, we shouldn’t bully them.

I thought that was a good rhetorical strategy, straight out of the homosexual plan as outlined in “Overhauling Straight America.”

When others claim something against their “opponent” that they themselves are guilty of, it seems pretty reasonable to point that out.

 

[Brendan_64]

If we don’t want them to bully us, we shouldn’t bully them.

And what constitutes bullying? Does not accepting homosexual relationships as being equal in all ways to heterosexual relationships constitute bullying?

Of course we should treat homosexuals with respect, charity and friendship. Of course we should treat individual homosexuals as we should treat anyone else. We should welcome them into our parishes, welcome them as friends, and treat them with respect. But are we to be expected to view homosexual relationships as being equivalent to heterosexual relationships?

 

[Corki]

It seems that you are making an assumption that may be true in some cases but certainly not in all. Parents are not forced to accept the morality of their child’s sexuality and the child in most cases will not blackmail the parent to do so. However their is reality and there are many arrangements that can be made well short of total or partial rejection that will be acceptable to both parent and child. The goal is to maintain the family and not for one party to blackmail the other.

I was thinking specifically of this example that was given, not a universal approach.

As a gay man with very religious Catholic parents, I generally advise people in similar circumstances to come out alone (without mentioning boyfriend/girlfriend) and give them up to a year to adjust, introducing the boyfriend/girlfriend to them sometime in the middle of that year. If they can’t make **sufficient adjustments **after about 12 months (such as allowing your boyfriend to be welcome in their home on the holidays like a girlfriend would), then it would be a good time to indefinitely **cut them out of your life **until they do come around.

This is a “gay man” who is trying to force parents to not only accept the morality of their child’s actions but to participate in them “or else” he will “cut them out” of his life “until they come around”. That’s blackmail.

 

[Corki]

Don’t we criticize homosexual activists for throwing around the word “bigot”, as a technique of rhetorical intimidation? I mean, what else does the word “bigot” do but bully people?

If we don’t want them to bully us, we shouldn’t bully them.

This is true. But what we criticize is not the use of the word “bigot” in all cases but the overuse of the word to describe everyone who doesn’t agree with a person’s viewpoint. That’s not what I was describing. I was responding to a person who specifically was singling out his Catholic parents. That’s not an overuse of the word, it is an accurate one.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

This is true. But what we criticize is not the use of the word “bigot” in all cases but the overuse of the word to describe everyone who doesn’t agree with a person’s viewpoint. That’s not what I was describing. I was responding to a person who specifically was singling out his Catholic parents. That’s not an overuse of the word, it is an accurate one.

Actually, I don’t think there are many – if any – appropriate uses of the word “bigot”. To use the word bigot is to assume that a person holds their views without regard to their truth or falsity; they merely hold the view out of animosity toward a certain group.

It’s not appropriate to say that BOProof is being “bigoted” unless we can show that he is not trying to accomplish some goal that is (in his mind) good. But he is clearly trying to help a gay child avoid the pain of being rejected by family. I don’t think this pain should be avoided, but BOProof does. There is nothing bigoted about his view – he wants to help a person.

I think his view is largely misguided, but that doesn’t make it bigoted.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

And what constitutes bullying? Does not accepting homosexual relationships as being equal in all ways to heterosexual relationships constitute bullying?

Of course we should treat homosexuals with respect, charity and friendship. Of course we should treat individual homosexuals as we should treat anyone else. We should welcome them into our parishes, welcome them as friends, and treat them with respect. But are we to be expected to view homosexual relationships as being equivalent to heterosexual relationships?

This is a complete misreading of my response. I think that homosexual activist are wrong without being bigoted. I think bullying is wrong, no matter what your goals are. And no, I don’t think that advocating that the law treat homosexual relationships differently than heterosexual relationships is bullying – not at all. I agree with you that homosexual relationships should be treated differently.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I thought that was a good rhetorical strategy, straight out of the homosexual plan as outlined in “Overhauling Straight America.”

When others claim something against their “opponent” that they themselves are guilty of, it seems pretty reasonable to point that out.

That’s a good way to win an argument, but a bad way to win a soul.

 

[frobert]

I was thinking specifically of this example that was given, not a universal approach.

This is a “gay man” who is trying to force parents to not only accept the morality of their child’s actions but to participate in them “or else” he will “cut them out” of his life “until they come around”. That’s blackmail.

Yes, I see that now. It was a sloppy post and I apologize for it.

 

[LilHomemaker]

Hey,

I’m 24, and for the last year and a half I have lived openly as gay man to everyone except my family, who reside 1000 miles from where I live and work.

My childhood household was very devout and I worry that the news will come as a shock to my father and especially to my mother, who (for lack of a better term) seems emotionally weak and liable to be devastated when she hears that her son has traded Mass for a boyfriend.

I do want to preserve a relationship with my parents because I love them, but if they refuse to let this matter rest, or make demands, I will walk out of their lives.

I’d like to tell them soon and am thinking of doing it when I fly home for Christmas, although that means I’d be “ruining Christmas” for my parents. Alternatively I could ignore the problem, as I have for years up until this point.

How do I make this easy on everyone? If I was your son, how would you want me to tell you? Appreciate your thoughts.

Okay, this is going to be my thoughts on this. Your parents love you more than any other human being in the whole world. They have been there for you your whole life. Unconditionally. All the time you were growing up but you are loving them conditionally. Don’t burn your bridges. I can relate as I was young and in a (heterosexual) relationship my parents disliked and was ready to never see my parents again for this person. The regrets I have now. My parents were so right. The relationship lasted 3 years. The person didn’t love me and was not good for me.Thank God I didn’t write my parents off. Your parents and God only want the best for you. You are a part of them. They are a part of you.

I would suggest the website Courage or talk to a priest. There is a reason you are here and seeking advice. You will find that many people discover as they get older they are not gay or if are, realize living in a homosexual relationship is a path that only leads to grave consequences. I am not denying your feelings. They are real but God wants you to work through them and choose His path for you which is only good and for your good.

I am a nurse who cared for AIDs patients for many years. I have seen the end result of this lifestyle. I cried and prayed for you yesterday after reading your post. Visit the website of the CDC, you will find AIDS is still around and at very scarey rates. It just wouldn’t be popular of politically correct for the CDC to let the public know, so they have been silenced.

cdc.gov/hiv/statistics/basics/ataglance.html

I can tell you I listened to the sadness, the heartache and the regrets of men who swore if they could go back they would never enter into homosexual relationships. I saw the physical abuse and physical hardships this lifestyle takes on a body. Some before they died would tell their story of how they got there, a lot of time it was listening to the wrong people or hanging out with the wrong people. People who told them it was okay and nothing would happen to them. Wrong.

Today homosexuality is becoming more accepted but that is only for money reasons. The politician wants a vote, the novelist wants to make millions and the motion picture industry is out to make money also, so who are the victims being used to make that money, homosexuals. Sad but true. Homosexuals are only their agenda because it brings them money, other wise they would be letting you know the dangers of this lifestyle. Many youth are following this path because of the ill gotten gain of many people. People handing them a deadly cure for their needs instead of life.

Please, please, please I pray consider the goals you have for your life, where do you want to be in the future, take care of yourself, love your parents and before entering into any relationship be sure you are loved and it is God’s will because He loves you more than anyone and only wants what is best for you and has a great plan for you. You are not here by chance but by design.

God bless you and I will continue to pray for you as I hope and believe others will also.

 

[Peter_J]

This is true. But what we criticize is not the use of the word “bigot” in all cases but the overuse of the word to describe everyone who doesn’t agree with a person’s viewpoint.

True. And I would chime in that we aren’t against the word blackmail, either, only misuses of it.

 

[St_Francis]

That’s a good way to win an argument, but a bad way to win a soul.

Argh… yes, you’re right.

I have figured out the way to remember this, aside from the idea that I am not supposed to argue but to explain! (which I obviously don’t always remember), let them go but leave the door open. Because the letting them go was giving me a bit of trouble in terms of losing the soul.

So, maybe this is the answer for Kolya and those in the same situations: explain when necessary, don’t argue, and leave the door open. You get to protect your boundaries while not cutting off the relationship yourself.