I'm going to try online Catholic dating, advice?

[SuperLuigi]

You’ve been online dating fro 11 years?

I did. I have no need for it now.

No wonder you think it’s a bad idea.

It’s not a bad idea as long as it’s executed properly.

And I am not saying I’m happily married through “clenched teeth” as you assume, assert, or whatever.

I said I hoped you weren’t. Hope is a different verb than assuming and asserting. :thankyou:

1. If your marriage is so great, why would you even care about what I thought?
2. My friend, there’s a lot that needed to be addressed in your posts.
3. If you’re going to talk about yourself on here, people can see and thus know about it.

I’m out

:bighanky:

 

[SuperLuigi]

I’m really confused as to why your marriage is being attacked and your husband’s character is being questioned.

Neither of those is occurring on this thread.

PLEASE read threads carefully before interjecting oneself into the middle of a conversation.

:thankyou:

 

[SuperLuigi]

Yes, and on the basis of my experience, I’d say include at least two different pictures, one posed and at your best, another in a casual situation, minimal make-up, no glam etc. This way you can avoid disappointments or distrust but still reap the benefits of a nice picture.

Only having a glam picture exposes you to princess hunters and delusional individuals who think you’ll always be aiming for that sort of look, and people who may be disappointed with what they see when the make-up goes off, the hair falls down (or is bunned up, whatever it wasn’t in the glam pic), if you’re wearing jogging wear instead of an evening dress etc. On the other hand, only having casual pictures in your profile may put you at a relative disadvantage compare to people who have glam shots. Combining the one and the other is probably the golden middle and the best solution because people can see what you look like either way and what the difference is.

Don’t play with silly Photoshop filters that distort the image in some sort of an artistic way. (They aren’t very informative or useful, and according to research they attract a particular sort of man, so they may skew your results.)

Well, there’s always competition that goes both ways, even if the total numbers favour one side (Walrasian auction ).

The upfront payment or especially subscription fee is a good screening method: it weeds out people who are simply bored, make a new account if they forget the password to the old one, or just don’t care much. There will still be ghost accounts, just not as many as could potentially be there in a free service.

Also ‘invest’ in a good picture that captures you well, from a photographer who knows his job. Someone more on the artistic/publicity side than just simply ID pictures. It does make a difference, and I’m not talking only about the glam but also about bringing out your personality.

I’d say just think, think, think. It’s fine to be cautious, it’s not fine to allow yourself to develop a habit of irrational thinking, prejudices and such like.

Yeah, the lure of a high-octane passport…

Still get a taser or whatever else you’re allowed to carry concealed, just in case. Don’t go to suspicious places with suspicious people.

Yes, many people don’t really know what they’re doing, many still have some sorting out to do and meeting someone only gives them the impulse to do so. You’re likely to meet at least a couple of wounded sparrows and weirdos and whatnots.

LOL.

Awesome!

…wait…it was all parsed out!!!



I’m OFFENDED!!!

You should’ve just written it all in a big ol’ sloppy block right at the bottom!

ha ha…j/k. Inside joke, if you will.

I appreciate the feedback!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Neither of those is occurring on this thread.

PLEASE read threads carefully before interjecting oneself into the middle of a conversation.

:thankyou:

I read carefully. You told her that there is more to her story than she’s letting on and that you doubt that she could actually be happily married. All because she met her husband online and then defended her marriage when you questioned it.

These days, more than a third of people who marry met online, couples who meet online are more likely to marry, and people who met online report higher rates of marital happiness and have lower rates of divorce.

news.uchicago.edu/article/2013/06/03/meeting-online-leads-happier-more-enduring-marriages

The link above gives a brief overview of the study, but in there is a link to the full study. Quite frankly, it’s been a long day and I didn’t care to read the full study myself.

 

[SuperLuigi]

BlueEyedLady;12274168]I read carefully.

:dts: Oh, I don’t think you did. Very disappointing, BlueEyedLady.

You told her that there is more to her story than she’s letting on

:nope:

and that you doubt that she could actually be happily married.

:dts:

I said I was concerned, and I should be. I’ve seen ALL of that language before, and it is NOT good regardless of the quality of her marriage.

All because she met her husband online and then defended her marriage when you questioned it.

Defending a relationship on-line is red flag.

These days, more than a third of people who marry met online, couples who meet online are more likely to marry, and people who met online report higher rates of marital happiness and have lower rates of divorce.

news.uchicago.edu/article/2013/06/03/meeting-online-leads-happier-more-enduring-marriages

The link above gives a brief overview of the study, but in there is a link to the full study. Quite frankly, it’s been a long day and I didn’t care to read the full study myself.

A relationship in general should be able to stand on its own merits, not because a study says “these relationships can work”.

 

[josh987654321]

FYI:
I talked for two years to my husband before we married, TWO YEARS. Hard to fake and lie for that amount of time. I found that it was a lot easier to be frank when we were talking on the phone or on Skype. No way to be deceitful. Why? We were thousands of miles form each other. We talked through every possible scenario, every theological opinion, every political opinion, every news item, every family issue, everything. All out. By the time we met, I felt like I was finally face to face with my best friend.
Honesty is possible. If people want to deceive you, they can easily do so face to face. I had plenty of friends who dated guys in person for years, got married, and THEN found out they had a girl on the side the whole time.
Don’t rule out online dating. Plus, it’s easier to just quit awkward people. Just x out of the page. Gone.
Nobody showing up at your door or work, causing a scene.
Just my 2 cents.

I guess both kinds of dating have their own risks and attributes. Thank you pianistclare

I’ve never done it and it became a thing way after my time, but I think online dating has a lot of advantages over real life.

In real life, you often meet people and talk about this or that, but never find out what’s amazing about them. For instance, my husband has known a guy for a number of years, but just discovered that the guy is a fairly major LEGO reseller in his free time. We had no idea! In real life, you don’t have the wealth of information instantly available to you about all the new people in a room that you can online (although Facebook helps). Online, you can put all of your quirks and selling points right there–you’re an accountant, you figure skate, you love anime, you love LOTR, you’ve traveled to a number of famous European shrines, you are interested in Eastern Christianity, etc. If you are a single person with unusual interests living in a small town, it could be a godsend.

There’s no replacement for actually meeting, but if you are running out of options in your area, why not?

True.

I think it probably does have alot of advantages over real life, but I also believe it has alot of dangers over real life too, and just as long as people are aware of the dangers, just like in real life, they should be fine I think.

Thank you Xantippe

I’ve know of people who have met on-line and then gotten divorced 2-5 years later. After hearing their story, it’s clear to me the relationship was a scam from the very beginning.

May I ask, were these Catholic dating sites?

God Bless

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[josh987654321]

Well, thanks for ripping my experience apart.

I don’t believe SuperLuigi meant to rip apart your experience, but rather to try and point out some of the dangers that could be present, and I agree with SuperLuigi about quite a few of the points, I wouldn’t have directed them the way he/she did toward your experience, but I have heard of similar experiences and I do believe they can happen.

We’re happily married. Big Catholic wedding Mass, concelebrated, choir and Knights of Columbus there

Congratulations

So…maybe you might be wrong?

Regarding your experience? absolutely. Regarding what could happen to others, I would be inclined to disagree.

I find if you’re honest, in person or online, it goes well.

9/10 I think it will, but if your that unlucky 1/10 caught by a clever predator online, than not so much. I believe it’s better to be safe than sorry, so I would advise people who are online dating and have never met the person before, to simply be careful, most predators are stupid anyway and with a little prodding, you should easily spot them.

I believe most people get caught with online predators on dating websites becuase they get way too intimate over the internet before ever meeting and thus become blind to the warning signs. I would also advise anyone doing online dating to make sure they meet in a public place if it’s their first time meeting regardless of how well they think they know them.

If your friend had someone show up where she worked? Dude, she had to have told him enough to find her.

Not really, all you need is someones full name and 9/10 you could easily find that out, especially if they have facebook or something.

Haters gonna hate.

I don’t believe anyone is hating, I know I have baises towards it, but by the same token, I am trying to keep an open mind and latter on down the track I probably will go down that road, but I will also try to be careful.

But it worked out beautifully for us.

Your already making online dating more appealing to me by sharing your success story. Thank you pianistclare.

God Bless

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[SuperLuigi]

Here are some red flag warnings:

1. Dating a non-citizen. This is always a risk no matter how nice the person is. A lot of these relationships turn out to be VISA scams YEARS after a marriage. Once a person understands what these are all about, there is likely to be doubt throughout a relationship.
2. Asking for money. This may be done directly, but a lot of times people will come up with a sob story and you feel obligated to give.
3. Trying to rush into a marriage. Usually VISA scammers and gold diggers will try this. “Spontaneous people buy into things”, as my old boss used to say.
4. Dating someone much younger than you. Women need to be very careful about this. A lot of times, guys are just looking to get with an older woman.
5. Dishonesty that is proven. If someone says they will talk to you and you have evidence they were talking to an ex or something like that, it may be best to move on.
6. Wanting to talk to family members, meet friends, ect. I see this a lot in scammer relationships. It’s a trick for them to build credibility in your eyes. Remember, the golden rule is that he must stand on his OWN merits.
7. The person seems controlling, won’t let you have male friends. Don’t assume this behavior will change once you are together or married. Some people are quite possessive and need to give you some breathing room.
8. If they aren’t who they say on their profile. The text may be ambiguous or just not well articulated, but photos are the biggie here. I actually talked to women once who seemed to be stealing photos from a Hawaiian models website. In fact, I got a hunch some of the women I was talking to were men.
9. The guy who’s on a dating site who just wants to be friends. As I said, don’t be surprised if
10. Drama. If you’re having an issue with someone you are dating and they need to bring in people support (usually friends, siblings, whatever) it may be time to leave. The relationship needs to be about you two and no one else. Now, note this is different from nosey people wanting details and depends on if the partner wants them there or brings them in.

Also, never get into social networking wars with people like that. :nope:

 

[Mayita30]

We should be careful whether it is ONLINE or (name removed by moderator)ERSON, it really does not matter …a lot of people in the past, present and in the future had beed fooled, is being fooled and will be fooled IN PERSON as well as ONLINE

I also believe that as CATHOLICS , we should try to avoid categorizing people as RED FLAGS. That is just being JUDGEMENTAL and not Christian at all…

Most men whom I have talked to who categorized women as always having red flags turned out to be negative, selfish,judgmental, jerks…they themselves are for a lack of a better term A RED FLAG !!!

I

 

[Xantippe]

We should be careful whether it is ONLINE or (name removed by moderator)ERSON, it really does not matter …a lot of people in the past, present and in the future had beed fooled, is being fooled and will be fooled IN PERSON as well as ONLINE

I also believe that as CATHOLICS , we should try to avoid categorizing people as RED FLAGS. That is just being JUDGEMENTAL and not Christian at all…

Most men whom I have talked to who categorized women as always having red flags turned out to be negative, selfish,judgmental, jerks…they themselves are for a lack of a better term A RED FLAG !!!

I

How about “flashing amber light”? Meaning, you can go, but go carefully, paying a lot of attention to what’s going on around you.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I don’t believe SuperLuigi meant to rip apart your experience, but rather to try and point out some of the dangers that could be present, and I agree with SuperLuigi about quite a few of the points, I wouldn’t have directed them the way he/she did toward your experience, but I have heard of similar experiences and I do believe they can happen.

Congratulations

Regarding your experience? absolutely. Regarding what could happen to others, I would be inclined to disagree.

9/10 I think it will, but if your that unlucky 1/10 caught by a clever predator online, than not so much. I believe it’s better to be safe than sorry, so I would advise people who are online dating and have never met the person before, to simply be careful, most predators are stupid anyway and with a little prodding, you should easily spot them.

I believe most people get caught with online predators on dating websites becuase they get way too intimate over the internet before ever meeting and thus become blind to the warning signs. I would also advise anyone doing online dating to make sure they meet in a public place if it’s their first time meeting regardless of how well they think they know them.

Not really, all you need is someones full name and 9/10 you could easily find that out, especially if they have facebook or something.

I don’t believe anyone is hating, I know I have baises towards it, but by the same token, I am trying to keep an open mind and latter on down the track I probably will go down that road, but I will also try to be careful.

Your already making online dating more appealing to me by sharing your success story. Thank you pianistclare.

God Bless

Thank you for reading
Josh

DH and I are another online success story via AMS.

A couple of points re your above: DH didn’t even know my last name until we’d met in person several times, and that was after writing for about 6 weeks and talking on the phone for about two months. I didn’t have him over to my apartment until about that time, too. With the use of common sense, online dating is both safe and an excellent medium in which to meet people.

Not entirely incidentally, I also made sure he met a few of my male friends, and when we met the first few times it was in public places during the day. Whenever I went on first (and soon-subsequent) dates with someone (met online or not), by the by, I let a couple of friends know where I was going, with whom, when, what that person’s phone number was, and a brief description of him. It sounds overly cautious, but I’d rather bore a couple of friends by telling them, “I’m going out to dinner at Alfresco’s at 6 PM with John Smith, phone number xxx-xxx-xxxx, about 6’, very thin. I’ll call you or text you with a specific unusual phrase indicating I’m fine by 10 PM” than regret not doing so later on. I strongly suggest that other women do the same thing.

 

[PhiloMed]

SuperLuigi;12273136:

Let me be clear:

1. It was not my intention to “rip your experience” in a bad way.
2. A lot of what you wrote needed to be addressed because there’s a lot of blind spots with what you wrote.

I was more interested in the text of your post. But now I’m starting to have concerns about your experience.

Continue to rip me a new one. Whatever.
Y**ou’ve been online dating fro 11 years? No wonder you think it’s a bad idea. **

But many of us have had a lot of success.
And I am not saying I’m happily married through “clenched teeth” as you assume, assert, or whatever.
How insulting of you to say such a thing to me.
There’s nothing wrong with what I posted.
Online dating works for millions of people.
I have taken it personally.
You’ve got some nerve implying you know something about me.
I’m not at ALL defending my relationship thanks…not to you certainly. I am defending the option of online dating.
It’s a viable option.
I’m out.

You beat me to this.

Perhaps the axe to grind is the 11 year of unsuccessful experiences? Hmmm. :roll eyes:

To the OP and anyone considering meeting people through an online service (I hesitate to say “online dating” because you’re not dating online, you just find out basic information that way and then proceed to date “in person” like anyone else). The red flags you should be careful of are the same red flags you should be aware of in any other dating situation. Once you go from the “online” world to the “lets meet for coffee” world it ceases to be an online experience.

I met my husband through a non-religious dating site. What worked for me was typically a few emails, followed by a phone conversation and then meeting for coffee. If it went well there was another date. It it didn’t go well then there wasn’t.

With my husband it was different because I was out of the area for some time before we were able to meet in person. We exchanged several emails for a few weeks and then spoke on the phone once or twice. I knew we had enough in common that I was comfortable committing to a whole meal with him instead of just coffee. Met at a restaurant. The rest is history.

I will add one thing. Before I let him come to my house to pick me up for a date I did a background check on him. I had been horribly heartbroken by someone I dated (whom I had known for nearly 10 years and met in the more traditional sense) who turned out to be leasing a double life full of lies.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Perhaps the axe to grind is the 11 year of unsuccessful experiences? Hmmm. :roll eyes:

gosh.

So many users who don’t read carefully. :tsktsk:

Oh, CAF, how you disappoint me sometimes.

When I said I DID on-line dating for 11 years, I mean that in the past TENSE; did is the past form of does.

And when I did do it, I wouldn’t call it unsuccessful. It was really rough at first for sure, but once I had the dating game down so well it was like a part-time job keeping up with it. I was floored at the number and type of women who were interested.

I have no more need for it since I’m no longer on the market. :yeah_me:

To the OP and anyone considering meeting people through an online service (I hesitate to say “online dating” because you’re not dating online, you just find out basic information that way and then proceed to date “in person” like anyone else).

It’s never quite so…scientific.

Actually, a lot of people don’t meet in person or wait a longgg time before doing so. They just have perpetual on-line relationships/friendships that last years and years. Sad thing this in a lot of cases, it’s a scam or one of the persons is getting used.

The red flags you should be careful of are the same red flags you should be aware of in any other dating situation.

See, that’s one of the problems with this spiraling downward thread. There’s too many posts that have this generic, feel it out advice. It’s under the same category as “be yourself” or the fallacy of “my experience was XYZ, therefore it’s great and your experience will be like XYZ.”

I’ve heard it all before so many times I could do this in my sleep.

When people come on here, they should be getting the best, Most of the other posts on here don’t even scratch the surface.

Once you go from the “online” world to the “lets meet for coffee” world it ceases to be an online experience.

Not necessarily. There’s a lot of post-date communication on-line in these situations. If there’s just that after a date, chances are, it’s not a good sign for the relationship. :nope:

 

[Xantippe]

gosh.

It’s never quite so…scientific.

Actually, a lot of people don’t meet in person or wait a longgg time before doing so. They just have perpetual on-line relationships/friendships that last years and years. Sad thing this in a lot of cases, it’s a scam or one of the persons is getting used.

What I always say is that you start the clock on the relationship once you meet in person, and not a minute before.

Not necessarily. There’s a lot of post-date communication on-line in these situations. If there’s just that after a date, chances are, it’s not a good sign for the relationship. :nope:

Of course.

I read a secular online advice column where one of the community rules is, if your letter asking for device contains the word “text” more than three times, it’s time to move on.

 

[Miserissima]

Rules of safety and courtesy apply on all social networking sites. Don’t compromise and don’t let yourself be compromised.

That being said, you get out of it what you put into it.

Be safe, not suspicious. If you’re suspicious about a topic, call it as tactfully as you can or walk away from it.

Now, I know NINE couples in real life who have met online. They all had non-negotiatable items, and items with wigggle room. To date is to know your healthy boundaries as well as being honest with yourself about your own quirks and neuroses, and sharing that while learning about the other person.

The nine couples run the gamut of “we started with a questionnaire” to “it was only a lark.”

There needs to be a balance between faith and reason.

As for Clare, I am not the only one who read the response that went from questioning to challengingly rude in 2.4. Her experience is becoming the norm, as we are becoming more of a technologically oriented society. Most rules from before this communication shift still apply. It only took longer in the “olden days” because we had to buy stamps or wait for a phone call.

God bless those who date online. St. Michael, preserve their safety and St. Raphael preserve their hope.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Rules of safety and courtesy apply on all social networking sites.

Except for this one, huh?

As for Clare, I am not the only one who read the response that went from questioning to challengingly rude in 2.4.

That makes no sense whatsoever.

I also believe that as CATHOLICS , we should try to avoid categorizing people as RED FLAGS. That is just being JUDGEMENTAL and not Christian at all…

Most men whom I have talked to who categorized women as always having red flags turned out to be negative, selfish,judgmental, jerks…they themselves are for a lack of a better term A RED FLAG !!!

Just what the doctor ordered------another angry response.

It says we should avoid “judging” (I guess it was only a matter of time before that classic, almost always unfounded accusation showed up) yet later calls a designated category of men the very thing that should be avoided as judging. :whacky:

 

[SuperLuigi]

Of course.

I read a secular online advice column where one of the community rules is, if your letter asking for device contains the word “text” more than three times, it’s time to move on.

I agree. I don’t believe that “true love” can really ever happen on-line alone. :nope: There needs to be meeting in person. :yup:

 

[Xantippe]

I agree. I don’t believe that “true love” can really ever happen on-line alone. :nope: There needs to be meeting in person. :yup:

Of course. Is anybody saying otherwise?

If you love somebody, you want to see them in person.

 

[SuperLuigi]

=Xantippe;12275876]Of course. Is anybody saying otherwise?

Nope. It was a reinforcing statement on my part for that post. :tiphat:

If you love somebody, you want to see them in person.

 

[DeniseNY]

I’m considering trying on line dating again. I did it for a few years off and on, and then stopped when my mother became ill and then died. Just lost my interest. I’ve used both Catholic sites and secular sites (like Match.com). Quite honestly the Catholic sites were disappointing. I think when I joined Catholicsingles, there are several questions regarding whether or not you agree with the Church’s teaches on birth control and pre-marital sex. I initially answere that I did… no responses. Then as an experiment I changed my answers to “no” and boy oh boy did guys start to show interest in me! Like I said, disappointing.