I'm having a hard time being Catholic

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Hi all,

I’m a convert of 5 years. My DH is a cradle-catholic. He taught me about the faith and I converted with him as my sponsor (we weren’t married at the time). I’ve always had a strong belief in and relationship with God. I was raised by a very Christian family and so faith in God was nothing new with the Catholic faith. However, living this faith and relating to God in this way has sort of ripped the rug right out from under me. I feel lost and disconnected, like “where is my God”? There are so many rules now, and so many things to do properly that my focus has shifted onto those things and my authenticity in front of my God has all but disappeared.

Now, our children are 2 1/2 and 1 1/2. I am so conflicted inside because I don’t know if I am capable of raising them Catholic. My marriage is not a very happy one. My husband has recently confessed to looking at a lot of porn for a large part of our marriage. NFP hasn’t helped that situation- we abstain most of the time and both of us are sexually frustrated.

I miss what I used to have with God. And I don’t want to pass on something to my children that may hurt them in the end. I went to high school with lots of kids from the private elementary school. Many of them didn’t take their faith seriously and their motives for doing right and wrong didn’t seem to have much to do with God himself. And that’s how I feel. I think- I better not do that because I don’t want to have to go to confession. I used to think, “I won’t do this because God wouldn’t want me to”.

And going to mass with our little ones- I’ve pretty much given up! It’s torture for them and for us. I always feel so stressed out and haggard by the time we leave mass and I’m so glad “it’s over”. That’s a terrible way to feel! And I feel so awful about myself for thinking that, but it’s how I feel and what I think. It’s the organic truth. I don’t get to hear any of the mass, I don’t get any recharge on my soul or find a connection there with God. It’s just a blur of going through the motions and hushing my children and telling them to keep still. I know that “this too, will pass” as far as their behavior is concerned, but we had intended on having more children. So this will last for years to come.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. Something is missing, I know that.
 
Be more patient with your situation. Not accepting but patient - you do not want to make bad decisions or lose something important because you reacted at your lowest point.

Focus on private prayer, get out with the kids more. Find a way to make all these things time with God.

Have a knock down, drag out hard talk with God - it can be very freeing. Don’t be afraid to yell at him about what is going on if you need/want to.

Keep taking the kids to mass - don’t worry about hearing/focusing on it - at their ages the more important thing is to get there, to instill the practice and then work on them re behavior etc.

Good luck.
 
Can you find a babysitter for a few hours? Ask hubby if he wants to attend a Christopher West seminar. The seminars come with a luncheon or candlelight dinner, prayer and communal periods in between talking. So, on top of an inspiring nonjudgmental Catholic sharing his journey, you also get some socializing, a yummy meal and a romantic outing.

Or, you could always buy one of his books and curl up together with a glass of wine after the kids fall asleep.
 
Hi Kittery,

Your many frustrations are very clear from your post. You have little ones who need a lot of care and may be a bit too young to expect perfect behavior in church. This comes in time and you can make a game out of it by practicing at home with your babies before going to church. Be patient, relax and enjoy the Mass with your children. . Tell them that when you are in God’s house, it is a special time and have them focus on one thing each week as you teach them about the church and their faith. We must look to our Blessed Mother as the best example of gentle, loving patience with our children. Your children must always come first.

As for your own beliefs, you may benefit from joining some type of group that will help you understand your faith a little more. It’s hard when your children are so small and need so much care. I’m sure you feel isolated at times and it is good to reach out to others. Pray and ask God to send someone into your life to help you in your faith walk. Meanwhile,There are lots of good books out there to help you learn and grow stronger in your faith.

Perhaps you and your husband can spend some quality time together. I mean after the children are tucked away for the night, plan something special to do together. Turn off the TV and rekindle the friendship part of your marriage. In time you may find that you become closer and the things that are destructive to marriage will disappear. It may take some creativity on your part but you can do it. Hope this helps.

God Bless,
Katie
 
Is it possible that you could start a nursery program in your parish? At one time I had 4 children under the age of 9, and going to Mass was a nightmare, esp. since my husband ignored the problem. I was able to get together with some other people who had very young children and start a round-robin nursery in a classroom. Each set of parents helped out about once every 6 weeks. I got some resistance from the DRE who thought all kids should be with their parents, but we finally won out.:twocents: :hug1:
 
kittery said:
I miss what I used to have with God. … I think- I better not do that because I don’t want to have to go to confession. I used to think, “I won’t do this because God wouldn’t want me to”.
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Kittery, God hasn’t changed. He is ready to be part of “what you used to have.” You are stressing about rules and doing things right, and forgetting that it’s all about love - His love for you and yours for Him. It’s the same love from before. And confession is one of the great expressions of that love. You run to Him, bury your head in His lap and tell Him how sorry you are. He lifts your face up so you can look at each other, wipes your tears and forgives you, leaving you as clean and innocent as if the sin had never happened. Your heart overflows with gratitude, and you don’t want to commit those sins again because God wouldn’t want you to.

Betsy
 
Some excellent responses here in this thread, I thought, especially that from Betsy…all of her response…I would like to draw your attention to this from her Post:
You are stressing about rules and doing things right, and forgetting that it’s all about love - His love for you and yours for Him.
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There are indeed heaps of rules and regulations in Catholicism but there is a difference between religiosity and being fastidious about rules and regulations and the letter of the law - and spirituality and spirituality is all about the spirit of the law and the love relationship between you and The Lord and your neighbour (this includes yourself) for the Love of Him. The Lord certainly does not expect of you what you are finding too hard and difficult for whatever reason. He is God of Mercy and the Mercy we owe to others we also owe to ourselves in His Name. I think you really would benefit from a talk with some sort of spiritual director and possibly your parish priest if you think you would be able to talk to him. If not, then you could try making an appointment with a priest belonging to a Religious Order - these priests are usually really great with spiritual direction. Failing that, ring a Religious Order of nuns and ask if there is anyone there you could talk with on a matter that is problematic to you - contemplative orders especially may be of help.

It can happen that our lives can turn a corner and become tremendously difficult for some reason or other. This is not the time to become harder on ourselves and stricter about rules and regulations…rather it is a time to show ourselves a spirit of Mercy, compassion and understanding, reflecting that Mercy, compassion and understanding of The Lord.

St. Albert said something pretty profound: “common sense is the guide of all the virtues” that little sentence has rescued me more times than I can count from a nature that can be very hard on myself if I let it.

May The Holy Spirit enter fully into your life with comfort and consolation and insight and wisdom - will be keeping you in prayer…Blessings - Barb:)
 
kittery said:
Hi all,

I’m a convert of 5 years. My DH is a cradle-catholic. He taught me about the faith and I converted with him as my sponsor (we weren’t married at the time). I’ve always had a strong belief in and relationship with God. I was raised by a very Christian family and so faith in God was nothing new with the Catholic faith. However, living this faith and relating to God in this way has sort of ripped the rug right out from under me. I feel lost and disconnected, like “where is my God”? There are so many rules now, and so many things to do properly that my focus has shifted onto those things and my authenticity in front of my God has all but disappeared.

I miss what I used to have with God. And I don’t want to pass on something to my children that may hurt them in the end. I went to high school with lots of kids from the private elementary school. Many of them didn’t take their faith seriously and their motives for doing right and wrong didn’t seem to have much to do with God himself. And that’s how I feel. I think- I better not do that because I don’t want to have to go to confession. I used to think, “I won’t do this because God wouldn’t want me to”.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. Something is missing, I know that.
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I am a convert of 28 years come Easter.

Satan is distracting you by making you focus on rules and doing things properly. He wants you to fear Confession because he does not want you to reconcile. He wants you to think you are all caught up in red tape. He wants you out of the Church.

You are right in thinking “I won’t do thus and such, because it would displease God.” rather than thinking, “I won’t do thus and such because then I’ll have to go to Confession.” The difference is, in the first scenario, we are loving God by not wanting to displease Him, In the second, we are loving ourselves by wanting to avoid Confession. Our focus should always be on God, not on the rules. Jesus is not following you around with a clipboard and check sheet taking notes of all the rules you break. I think you may be suffering from a touch of scrupulosity and you should discuss this with your confessor. I think this is something us converts have a problem with as we try to become more Catholic and want to do everything right. Pretty soon, it just starts to look like all rules and no love. As we worry about breaking rules and thus sinning, we become weighed down, oppressed. We can’t see God anymore.

Your confessor is also your spiritual adviser. Confession is not only about confessing sins but also about discussing difficulties you are having with living a Christian life. Tell him how you seem to be fixating on the rules and want to get back to having a loving relationship with God, like you used to. You don’t have to wait until you sin to go. Just say something like, “I don’t have any mortal sins to confess at this time, but I’m having a real problem with wanting to do things properly and I’m too worried about rules and regulations and seem to have lost the love somewhere along the way.”

Does your parish have a young mother’s group or a prayer group? Is it possible for you to leave the kids with your husband for an evening and go to a prayer group? I think you would find either very beneficial.
 
kittery said:
Hi all,

I’m a convert of 5 years. My DH is a cradle-catholic. He taught me about the faith and I converted with him as my sponsor (we weren’t married at the time). .
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What is your prayer life like? Do you pray everyday? Do you pray regularly, like when you wake up, make meals, hop in the car, with your little ones at bedtime? The closeness to God sense that you miss has to be sought. Prayer is the key, not rules, and prayer is up to you.

You are in the busiest time of life, having young children to constantly be aware of and care for. This makes for a hectic life that compounds other problems. Whether or not you are Catholic, you can not go back to what it was like when you were single. Life has radically changed and added stresses and complications that make it a struggle.

I have been married a long time. My wife and I love one another and have always been happy. She is a convert. We have four children. There have been difficulties of course, finances, health, sick kids. My wife says I make her happy. She loves being married to me, and I to her. I do know something about what makes women happy. They only need one thing and that is to know they are loved. I don’t bring flowers, dream up romantic evenings, or write her poetry. I love her. I care for her. I want to be with her. Yesterday we went for a walk on the beach, looked at the waves and sky and held hands. That is all it takes.

Your husband is in serious spiritual trouble if he looks at porn. It will lead him to hell unless he is freed from this addiction. There is no doubt about that. He must not believe that or he would never have gone near it. It is as dangerous as any drug. Jesus said whoever sins is a slave to sin. When we fall into a sin it controls us. We have no power to escape it unless we are set free. A virtue is a power. It is a power to live a certain way and not be overpowered by a vice. The vice your husband has fallen into is not porn. It is lust. It is in his mind and soul and it controls him. Porn is a vehicle or means to be lustful. He needs to get help and although you can be supportive he needs more than you can give. If you were not practicing nfp and having sexual relations as often as the urge arose, it would not free your husband from lust. He first needs to find a good confessor, the right one who can help him, a holy priest. I think there are also groups like alcoholics annonymous for sex addicts. Resisting temptaion, any temptation, is a matter of strength of will. Sin is in the will and so is virtue. The porn addict or any addict has no will power to resist when the devil comes knocking and makes his demands. If your husband does not actively seek help in fighting this sin, his soul, his life and your marriage will be destroyed. He must escape this.

We can not have peace among nations, peace in our marriages, within families, peace in our homes and cities and souls, until we have peace with God. That must come first. Aquinas said peace comes from order. When there is spiritual disorder in our souls it spreads to our marriages, children, neighborhoods, jobs. A marriage can not be healthy or happy when one or both of the spouses are spiritually disordered. Your husband has to decide if he wants to keep filling himself with filth and destroy his family and soul.

If Mass is not what it should be it is possible that the problem is not you. It could be your parish, or your priest. There are good ones and bad ones. Some go through the outward motions, but their own spiritual lives are disordered making it impossible to be spiritual leaders. It is impossible to inspire others to holiness if you are not walking the walk. Sadly their are many priests today who are not. Maybe you could search for another parish, or even find another rite nearby, that would be a place where things might come alive for you.

God bless you. Mary help of Christians pray for us. Saint Joseph, most chaste spouse and patron of the family pray for us.
 
Doesn’t sound too much like a Catholic problem…

If you weren’t Catholic, wouldn’t your husband’s porn problem be a problem as well…wouldn’t going to church be hard to do anyway with little ones?

Built yourself spiritually outside of Mass.
 
Dear Kittery -
Cradle-Catholic? I never heard that one but I guess I am. And while I can’t relate to being a “convert”, I can tell you this:

Even those of us born into the Catholic Faith suffer what is known as the dark night of the soul. I don’t know if that’s what’s going on in your life. You have so many issues within your family that I think the devil is trying hard to disrupt your entire family by separating you from God. Whether we realize it or not, that’s what it often is. Even when converting in preparation for marriage, there should be a sincere dedication and knowledge of the requirements of the Catholic Faith - a willingness to adhere - not just for the rearing of your children but for your own soul and the glorification of God. That’s what our Faith is about. And in your case - whether you realize it or not - your concern that you don’t come away with enough speaks volumes. You care about what you’re getting from the Mass…That means you have the desire. And that’s enough for now. Keep trying.

Even cradle-Catholics - (many of them now canonized saints) - go through their own dark nights of the soul, too. And I guess no one likes being bound by rules when our own religion teaches us that God has given us “free will”. I’m no saint. Believe me, I have a hard time conforming, too. It would be so easy to do whatever makes us feel good - but I can’t or rather won’t - based on the rules. I’m not always thrilled about it. However, I’m less thrilled about losing my soul.

Sadly, I can’t relate to your parenting issues - I have no children. But I watch the mothers and children in Mass - and wish I’d had that. There are moments when the sound of an infant is like a piece of Heaven. I pay more attention to the little ones in front of me sometimes instead of Mass. (God forgive me but they’re a beautiful distraction. - You see? We’re never satisfied !) I don’t think anyone comes away from Mass every time feeling they got all they could. Right now, if you make the effort for the sake of your children, I think, it’s enough. You’re being a mother - even the Angels in Heaven can never be a Mom. You’re doing your best during Mass, as a mother. Offer up the frustrations of distractions to God. He reads your soul. If you simply ask God’s help in what you’re going through, He will be there for you.

There seem to be issues in your married life that the devil is putting there to really mess things up. Trust in God Who’s stronger. My prayers for you.
 
Wow. Thank you all for such encouraging words and advice. This forum is invaluable. :grouphug:

Conservative: Thank you for such a loving reminder of the gift that I have in my motherhood and my children. My job is to prepare my children for heaven and just getting them to mass bestows graces upon them.

I need to remember that God loves us where we’re at. I guess that’s been the biggest change since I’ve converted. I feel like I have to do XYZ and not do XYZ in a certain order, at certain times, and in certain ways in order to please God. All of the “holy days of obligation”, the proper way to enter a church and be seated, the guilt and despair I feel until Saturday when I have a mortal sin to confess (which is usually related to certain sexual relations w/my husband which I resent because I feel that the church is wrong about this), the constant pressure to give more and more money. I can’t meet all of these expectations all of the time and my self-esteem has went down the tubes since I’ve converted. I feel like a disgusting slug who does nothing but sin. Before I came into the church, I had joy in serving God and I talked to him so freely. Now I feel like he’s set everything up for us “down here” and that keeps my eyes…“down here”. Know what I mean?

What do people do when they’re experiencing a dark night of the soul? Because maybe that’s what this is. I’ve never ever had this long of a dry period where I feel lost and empty. I’m wondering if my conversion wasn’t right. It’s not a crisis of faith, but a crisis of location. Am I where I’m supposed to be?

Grandfather: Nicely and charitably said. Your words are very wise and well thought out. It is true, I am missing order inside my soul, and during this challenging time, I have let my prayer life go. So the opposite of what I need. Thank you for your accepting attitude.

LindaMarie: I always feel so rushed at confession because of the lines. And some priests never comment at all or give advice. They just say the word as quickly as possible so they can shuffle the next person through. What do you do? Do you “shop” for a good confessor- even if it’s not in your own parish? Is that ok to do?

BarbaraTherese- Thank you, thank you, thank you. Just what I needed to hear right now 🙂 God doesn’t expect everything at once from us. It’s ok to not be perfect. But it’s so hard for me- I never believed in such things as mortal sins and fading in and out of salvation from day to day. Finding a spiritual director sounds like a very wise thing to do. How do you go about that?
 
kittery said:
LindaMarie: I always feel so rushed at confession because of the lines. And some priests never comment at all or give advice. They just say the word as quickly as possible so they can shuffle the next person through. What do you do? Do you “shop” for a good confessor- even if it’s not in your own parish? Is that ok to do?
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Absolutely it’s OK to do. It’s a great thing to do. It can even end up being a kind of informal spiritual direction.

There are a couple of ways people and priests look at confession, and I think both can be right.

One is bare bones, confess your sins, get your penance and absolution, and don’t expect anything else in the way of advice or counsel. You seem to have run across this and are not finding it meets your needs.

The other is more fleshed out - confess your sins, receive advice from the priest, perhaps ask a question or two, then get your penance and absolution. There are people here on CAF who will oppose this very strongly. Confession and spiritual direction are different things, they’ll tell you. If you need more than the “vending machine” experience, make an appointment for counseling, they’ll say. It’s not fair to hold up the line while you get advice, and so on.

I strongly disagree with this position. First off, there is a whole lot that can be accomplished in two or three minutes, and often that’s all you’ll need. This does not significantly hold up the line, and it’s not worth making an appointment for. Secondly, it’s certainly part of the priest’s ministry to help you avoid re-committing the sins you have confessed, whether that means giving you a word of advice or answering a brief question.

I’ve had experience with both kinds of priests. Sometimes on purpose. I’ve been Catholic all my life, and in the same city for over 30 years, so I know a lot of the priests. I know who’s chatty and who’s not. I know whom to approach when I don’t want to talk about it, and who will talk with me and encourage me when I need it. Sometimes, there’s one of each in a parish, hearing confessions at the same time. That’s how it is where I go. Father R gives a general “Thank God for a good confession and try to do better. Now for your penance…” His line is short and moves fast. Fr. B (in my experience, unasked) comments on everything you tell him and takes as much time as he needs with each penitent. His line stretches waaaay down the aisle and moves slowly, but he’ll stay as long as he needs to in order to accomodate everyone. I go to Fr. B. I tell my sins, and he starts talking. I don’t ask questions or request advice - he just takes the initiative. Other excellent priests I’ve known do the same thing.

Now, how will you find a good priest for confession? Just try one of the nearby parishes on a Saturday afternoon. Keep trying until you find a priest who is particularly helpful to you. When you do, that’s great! You can continue to go to him informally, or you can make an appointment for a scheduled confession if it takes you longer to express yourself and really get to the bottom of things. It really is not fair to make the people in line behind you wait ten or fifteen or twenty minutes for you to get everything expressed and addressed. You can make scheduled confessions at regular intervals, and you’ve got the same thing as a spiritual director without actually calling it that.

I think you are really doing just fine. Having small children at the same time as making a major change like becoming Catholic is a whole lot to accomplish at one time. Little by little, you’ll get used to things, and they’ll just become second nature instead of big scary rules. But it may take longer than it would if you were not a young mother. Just relax and remember the love.

Betsy
 
One way to look at all of us is many parts of one body. We are also on a journey together. On this journey we are all trying to get to the same place and we encourasge one another along the way especially when someone gets hurt. We are all also broken parts. When we break we try to fix one another, but we are all broken in some way, struggling on as best we can. We are a pitiful wounded bunch. The remedy for each of us whenever we get spiritually hurt along the way is God’s love. So Jesus commands us, the blind, lame, fallen and crippled, to love one another along the way, en via.

Definitely shop for a confessor. Don’t even think twice about it. I used to drive over 100 miles. Look for a spiritual director, but do not be in a hurry. The right one is very important. Better none than the wrong one.

There is a priest who has a ministry to alcoholics and people with sexual addictions. His website is www.12-step-review.org
There is a lot of good information there that might be helpful to your husband if he wants help with the porn problem.

Blessings.
 
kittery said:
Wow. Thank you all for such encouraging words and advice. This forum is invaluable. :grouphug:
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It would also be very good to develop a group of Catholic women friends, some other young mothers, but also some older women. Your husband definitely also needs to find some good Catholic men friends who will encourage him as a father and husband. Community is not just about an hour on Sunday and then home to watch the game.
 
Hi Kittery,

I’ll be praying for you. I might be able to offer one little help on confession…I was afraid of confession for years. Now, the more often I go, the better I feel and the easier it gets. It takes the drama out of it. I would never before have believed I could go to confession without getting nervous!

Without being a stickler about it, I try to go every month or so, whether I really “have to” or not. My parish has confessionals with screens and I find that very comforting…I grew up with only face-to-face offered and I never liked it.
 
kittery said:
LindaMarie: I always feel so rushed at confession because of the lines. And some priests never comment at all or give advice. They just say the word as quickly as possible so they can shuffle the next person through. What do you do? Do you “shop” for a good confessor- even if it’s not in your own parish? Is that ok to do?
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Yes, you can ‘shop’ for a good confessor. You can ask your friends if they have found anyone to be particularly helpful and go to them. You can also make an appointment for a confession to allot more time or just call your PP and say that you are having some spiritual difficulties and would like to have a discussion. This way you won’t be rushed. I recommend that you do this.
 
kittery said:
I always feel so rushed at confession because of the lines. And some priests never comment at all or give advice. They just say the word as quickly as possible so they can shuffle the next person through. What do you do? Do you “shop” for a good confessor- even if it’s not in your own parish? Is that ok to do?
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Back in the 200s AD, Origen, a Father of the Church, said, “Only be careful and circumspect in regard to whom you would confess your sins. Test first the physician to whom you would expose the cause of your illness. See whether he knows how to seem weak with one who is weak, to weep with one who weeps, and whether he is acquainted with the art of consoling and comforting. Finally, when he has shown himself to be a physician both learned and merciful, do whatever he might tell you, and follow whatever counsel he might give.” (From Homilies on the Psalms, 240 AD)

I take that as a “yes” to your question. 🙂
 
kittery said:
Wow. Thank you all for such encouraging words and advice. This forum is invaluable. :grouphug:

Conservative: Thank you for such a loving reminder of the gift that I have in my motherhood and my children. My job is to prepare my children for heaven and just getting them to mass bestows graces upon them.

I need to remember that God loves us where we’re at. I guess that’s been the biggest change since I’ve converted. I feel like I have to do XYZ and not do XYZ in a certain order, at certain times, and in certain ways in order to please God. … I feel like a disgusting slug who does nothing but sin. Before I came into the church, I had joy in serving God and I talked to him so freely. Now I feel like he’s set everything up for us “down here” and that keeps my eyes…“down here”. Know what I mean?

What do people do when they’re experiencing a dark night of the soul? Because maybe that’s what this is. I’ve never ever had this long of a dry period where I feel lost and empty. I’m wondering if my conversion wasn’t right. It’s not a crisis of faith, but a crisis of location. Am I where I’m supposed to be?

…Finding a spiritual director sounds like a very wise thing to do. How do you go about that?
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Kittery -
You’re doing just fine…You don’t realize your reply answered the question. Your job is to prepare your children for Heaven? You hit it right on the nose. You’re a Catholic Mom. As for worrying about confession - and what sins you’ll confess, etc. - Safe to say, many go through that…I know I do.

There’s no answer how to get through the dark nights. Prayer is probably the easiest answer and best solution - but sometimes if we’re going through down times, it’s harder to even pray. So, pray a little - You’re doing just fine. Beautifully, I’d say. And remember, those question marks about whether your decisions were right ? That’s temptation knocking. Pray a little - gain a lot. Wishing you light in that dark night,
God Bless You
 
Conservative- your post made me get goosebumps! I always think of that as a sign that the holy spirit is speaking to me, what you said is written in my heart and I thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Through you, I hear God saying that I should do what I can and let him help me with the rest. Pray a little, gain a lot. I can do that. Take my children to mass. I can do that. What a weight I feel lifting!

Everyone here has been so kind. So encouraging. And yes, grandfather- your explanation of one body with broken parts is simple and wonderful. Words to remember.

Baltobetsy- great thoughts and advice. I did go to a parish once not terribly far away who had a priest that walked me through my most cleansing and freeing confession. He asked questions, pointed out what I was doing right and what I could do to strengthen my weaknesses. I felt like he truly was acting as Christ during that confession. I don’t know why I thought it wasn’t ok to visit a priest outside of my own parish on a regular basis.

Thank you all. What a blessing you’ve all been to my heart! ❤️
 
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