Im having a hard time understanding adultery and Lust?

[morbe77]

What exactly is the difference? And when is it a moral sin?Jesus said if you have lust in your heart for another you have already committed adultery. I’ve been back with the church for about 4 months now and I admit in the span of 10 years I was away from the church I lived a very sinful life where adultery and lust were included. But I want to live my life as an honest moral Catholic. But I also would like to be in a relationship some day so how does this work? Am I not allowed to think members of the opposite sex are attractive? Am I not allowed to try and steal a kiss from a girlfriend or would be girlfriend? Am I not allowed to want to be affectionate with a woman that I want to start “courting” or dating. Is this having Adultery in the heart? I respect women and I am trying and getting better at looking at members of the opposite sex as Gods creations and not objects of lust. But I dont want to fall into old sinful ways.
So at what point does wanting and being physically attractive to someone become lust and adultery? When does wanting to be physically affectionate with someone you care and respect (without “doing the deed” )becomes lust and or adultery? Or is it all bad and cosidered moral sins?

 

[Cider]

From the CCC

IV. Offenses Against the Dignity of Marriage

Adultery

2380 Adultery refers to marital infidelity. When two partners, of whom at least one is married to another party, have sexual relations - even transient ones - they commit adultery. Christ condemns even adultery of mere desire.170 The sixth commandment and the New Testament forbid adultery absolutely.171 The prophets denounce the gravity of adultery; they see it as an image of the sin of idolatry.172

2381 Adultery is an injustice. He who commits adultery fails in his commitment. He does injury to the sign of the covenant which the marriage bond is, transgresses the rights of the other spouse, and undermines the institution of marriage by breaking the contract on which it is based. He compromises the good of human generation and the welfare of children who need their parents’ stable union.

Other offenses against the dignity of marriage

2390 In a so-called free union, a man and a woman refuse to give juridical and public form to a liaison involving sexual intimacy.

The expression “free union” is fallacious: what can “union” mean when the partners make no commitment to one another, each exhibiting a lack of trust in the other, in himself, or in the future?

The expression covers a number of different situations: concubinage, rejection of marriage as such, or inability to make long-term commitments.182 All these situations offend against the dignity of marriage; they destroy the very idea of the family; they weaken the sense of fidelity. They are contrary to the moral law. the sexual act must take place exclusively within marriage. Outside of marriage it always constitutes a grave sin and excludes one from sacramental communion.

2391 Some today claim a “right to a trial marriage” where there is an intention of getting married later. However firm the purpose of those who engage in premature sexual relations may be, "the fact is that such liaisons can scarcely ensure mutual sincerity and fidelity in a relationship between a man and a woman, nor, especially, can they protect it from inconstancy of desires or whim."183 Carnal union is morally legitimate only when a definitive community of life between a man and woman has been established. Human love does not tolerate “trial marriages.” It demands a total and definitive gift of persons to one another.184

 

[DaveBj]

“Lust” is the translation of the Greek word epithumia, which is best understood as a very strong desire. In the modern vernacular, lust is when a guy looks at a girl and thinks, “I want her, and if I had just half a chance I’d take her.”

Adultery is the actual act, where a married person has sexual intercourse with someone who is not his/her spouse. (If the person is unmarried, then the act [and many other acts] are called “fornication”.)

The thing is, Jesus came along and redefined the terms when He said that when a man looks at a woman with lust, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So, “I would do it with her if I could” counts as if one already had done it. By contrast, “She’s attractive, but I’d say no, even if she offered it to me” is neither lust nor adultery in the heart.

Hope this helps.

 

[CatholicRaven]

Lust is about using another person. It’s about seeing that person as an object for our own pleasure, not viewing them as a whole person and respecting that person. She’s more than just a body or body part(s).

If you notice a beautiful woman, and are even attracted to her, that’s not lust. But if you then entertain or encourage thoughts about her in a sexual way, that’s lust. She is more than just an object for your entertainment or sexual pleasure. She is someone’s daughter, sister, friend…

I must respectfully disagree with DaveBj’s example–in some cases, that second example would not be lust… but it’s overly simplified to the point that it implies something else. Just because you wouldn’t actually have sex with someone if offered, doesn’t necessarily mean the thoughts about that person aren’t lustful or sinful. Porn use, for example, is lust, even if the guy knows he’ll never meet the women in the pictures or videos. Or maybe even if he met her, he just wouldn’t have sex with her because he’d fear getting a disease, or being compared to all the other men she’d been with, or whatever reason (even fear of sinning further). That doesn’t make it okay to entertain sexual thoughts about her.

Attraction is a feeling, not a choice. Arousal is a natural physical response to certain stimuli. Noticing beauty is generally a natural response, as well, though we can also choose to notice beauty. These are not sinful in and of themselves. But for most of us, if we are not careful about controlling our thoughts, they can sometimes be near occasions of sin (that is, they can lead us to sin).

Sin enters in when we allow the thoughts; and certainly when we entertain them, or even encourage them to continue (purposely trying to get another glance at a woman’s cleavage, for instance). Lust and adultery and fornication are all sinful choices.

Also, you shouldn’t try to “steal a kiss” in the sense that you want to catch the woman by surprise and “take” a kiss from her whether or not she wanted it. But if you simply mean “can I kiss my girlfriend,” generally you may, if she’s okay with it–though there can be exceptions in some relationships. You can also generally be affectionate, but avoid trying to sexually arouse her or yourself (save that for marriage). You generally have to form your conscience well, and make the best choices you can based on the information you have. I’m not saying it’s always easy, but it’s worth it, and it does get easier with practice.

Will for you!

 

[Elizium23]

The previous posters are all on track regarding how to discern lust and attraction. I will say that it is all in our attitude toward other people. We must learn to love others, truly love them, and see them as brothers and sisters in Christ. We must come to understand the vocation of marriage, and truly respect it in all its dimensions. If we respect others and we respect marriage, we will not be driven to lust. Of course one more component is necessary, we must obey the greatest commandments: Love the Lord, and love our neighbor as ourselves. Often people with low self-esteem seek comfort in pornography and sex without ever filling the emptiness inside. A love of neighbor always begins with love for God and self. By the same token, we should not have an over-inflated sense of self worth. If we allow arrogance and pride to fill us up, we cannot see others or God with a sense of love.

I would say that you need to control your exposure to things that will cause you to lust. I too struggle with it and I found that I was simply bombarding myself with popular culture and unwanted elements that caused me to think that lust and illicit sex were normal and alright. It takes a concerted effort to turn off the TV, to change the station, to delete the files, to throw out the DVDs, to weed out the books and magazines, and exercise self-discipline in the many things we consume each and every day. The more I found myself avoiding these dirty things, the more I enjoyed spiritual reading and religious programs and music and other content. Fill your life up with God and you will reap the benefits. Replace your impure thoughts with prayer and you will find yourself in the best relationship of all.

I stopped going out to nightclubs and replaced those social gatherings with visits to my parish church. I replaced friends who were on dead-end journeys and self-destructive tendencies with friends who are Godly and righteous and good examples. Abandoning lust has to mean a fundamental lifestyle change. We have to be in the world and not of the world, because otherwise the demands of the flesh will entrap and consume us.

 

[morbe77]

I didn’t meant steal a kiss as in force my self on anyone but I meant it more as a figure of speech to mean “share” a kiss with someone. I see all women as attractive but I dont look at them and fantasize. But I do notice them and before the bad thoughts come to mind if any I can usually look away and clear my head. And yes I do have to remind my self that they are Gods creation and someones sister, daughter, mother etc.
I do meet women however and after getting to know them actually see them as someone I would have a “meaningful” relationship with. Including the desire to wait until marriage before anything sexual would happen. But to have desires of being with that person in a nonsexual way or at least knowing that it would have to be nonsexual and respecting that is what I have a hard time understanding. Is it that the desire HAS to want to lead to arousal. What if you can see your self sharing a kiss with someone that you could see your self dating is that bad?

 

[AnneElizabeth]

What exactly is the difference? And when is it a moral sin?Jesus said if you have lust in your heart for another you have already committed adultery. I’ve been back with the church for about 4 months now and I admit in the span of 10 years I was away from the church I lived a very sinful life where adultery and lust were included. But I want to live my life as an honest moral Catholic. But I also would like to be in a relationship some day so how does this work? Am I not allowed to think members of the opposite sex are attractive? Am I not allowed to try and steal a kiss from a girlfriend or would be girlfriend? Am I not allowed to want to be affectionate with a woman that I want to start “courting” or dating. Is this having Adultery in the heart? I respect women and I am trying and getting better at looking at members of the opposite sex as Gods creations and not objects of lust. But I dont want to fall into old sinful ways.
So at what point does wanting and being physically attractive to someone become lust and adultery? When does wanting to be physically affectionate with someone you care and respect (without “doing the deed” )becomes lust and or adultery? Or is it all bad and cosidered moral sins?

I would just suggest that when you are dating that you always keep it forefront in your mind that this woman may not become your wife (and therefore some other man’s) and therefore every action towards her should not go over a certain line, both for your and her morality. If you keep that in mind- that she is not yours until you marry, then you should be able to find that balance. Learn what purity is. Strive to keep it pure.

The Holy Spirit should be helping guide you on this issue. Think on the seven gifts and twelve fruits of the Holy Spirit and see where each one fits within this issue. For example, the fruit of kindness… is it kind to be kissing and touching up someone else’s future wife- even if you thought she was the one for you? Would *you *want some other man to be doing that to your future wife? Think on it and pray about it.

Love is seeking out what is good for the other. Put this in front of you, between you and the other, always. Affection can be shown in many other ways other than touching… and no, I’m not talking about spending money on gifts either. If you don’t want to spend time with her without any possibility of anything sexual or sensual happening at that time, then it is pure lust that is leading you to her. If you want to spend time with a lady with hopes of building a relationship (in an exciting sort of way) then this is not lust, but attraction. Nothing wrong with it at all.

Adultery in the heart is basically letting yourself fantasize about the person. In your mind, it means they are ‘yours’, and this is false. This is also why porn is very evil… those women are not objects to be used. God never made some women for using and others to be wives. Also I can note that fantasizing about someone can even mean emotionally- there are such things as emotional affairs. They get out of hand when people don’t realize it starts small and becomes big when emotions are not ‘pruned’ back… read about what pruning is and what Jesus says about pruning in the Bible.) Patience is developed here when you practice holding back thoughts. Scripture retorts us to hold every thought captive in 2 Corinthians 10:5. Yeah, it is kind of 'throwing a wrench in the works" to do this, but do it out of obedience for love of Christ. Its a check on our soul for God’s sake our of love for God. This is why prayer is necessary because in it, we struggle to find what is God’s will. Doing God’s will brings ALOT of peace and joy… but there is hardship in saying no to self.

Fasting from something is a way of developing strength spiritually. Don’t be afraid of giving it up and giving it a try. You seem to be afraid of giving up those pleasures you want so much. God doesn’t want you to give up the pleasures, but does when they are not right for you to be indulging in because it is either not safe spiritually for you or others when you do. There is the right time for things. Every situation is different so no one can just tell you, “oh, the answer to your question is _______.” The main thing about lust is not to be led by it. I don’t believe any human being on earth will not be tempted by it. Any new practice can be irritatingly difficult at first, but with practice you will start to understand.

Also look into differences of culture now and years ago. It used to be that no touching what so ever was allowed during the courtship. Now a days it is totally expected, that if you don’t, its comes across as being cold to the idea of continuing a relationship. That doesn’t really help per se, but might offer a reason for a lot of the confusion that is out there.

Hope this wasn’t too choppy and that it was helpful.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

What if you can see your self sharing a kiss with someone that you could see your self dating is that bad?

I don’t think this question was geared towards me, but I was just going to offer my opinion…

No, that’s not bad. What you speak of, I’d say is attraction. Attraction is not lust, though there are times that the attraction can be in the end just lust or it can become lust.

Keep in mind though, there will be times that attraction, like lust, has to be abated. Like if you found someone who you were interested in but they were already married… Or when you are married, you are attracted to someone other than your wife. That means, you must cut those thoughts off for love of God and your wife and yourself… and your family. Attraction I’d say was neutral until you, your soul, decide what you are going to do with it. Evil or good. Harm or glorify God.