I'm having a problem giving up my virginity?

[ChildofGod2091]

Well ain’t that a switch in todays society?

Anyhow, I’m 20 years old, and I got married about three months ago and for some reason unbeknownst to myself and my husband…sex is quite painful for me. To the point that we actually haven’t technically…consummated the marriage yet. Also, I have an extremely low sex drive. Obviously this is kind of upsetting. The idea of seeing a gyno is a completely humiliating idea that I’m not sure I could deal with…

But on the other hand I’ve having major issues with giving up my virginity…if I’m even still technically a virgin…On one hand I know that sex isn’t bad, and that it’s a gift from God and pretty amazing stuff I here, but on the other hand, people are always talking about how amazing it is this saint or that saint remained pure, or how virginity and purity is a gift, to the point I occasionally get jealous of younger unmarried people who haven’t given up their virginity. Being a convert and growing up in a society that is nearly completely sex driven pretty much just makes me feel like less of a person almost. I feel dirty, not innocent…I don’t even know. I feel like less of a person, I feel looked down upon almost. Not as good, like I’ll have to try a million times as hard as anyone else in order to get to heaven for giving it up.

But you know there’s the pressure to have sex too. I haven’t been feeling well for the past three weeks due to what I think may be acid reflux…but my father in law, who desperately wants grandchildren, bought us another pregnancy test out of the blue. This is the second one this month.

Why is sex so complicated and why am I struggling so much? If I didn’t know any better I’d swear God doesn’t want me to have sex ever. He’s certainly given me lots of barriers to overcome…

 

[Luvz2travel]

I’m not married but it sounds like you are over thinking it here. I tend to over think things myself so I feel I can safely say that to you. You have yourself so work up about it that it’s got you too anxious. I would relax if you can and take things slowly maybe see a counselor.

 

[Debora123]

You need to see a counseling priest, ASAP.

…AND a gyno as well.

It may be hard for you, but do it for your husband (though for yourself and your marriage as well, of course)… look to him as a motivation, if that helps at all, as I am sure you love him very much.

Sounds like you have some serious issues that need to be dealt with for the sake of your marriage. There’s not much we can do here to help you, you need to see a professional.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[Catholic90]

You must see a gyno. That is just basic health care. Seek counseling to work on the rest.

 

[fgh_123]

See someone.

 

[puzzleannie]

. The idea of seeing a gyno is a completely humiliating idea that I’m not sure I could deal with…
e…

this reluctance to see a doctor could have something to do with the underlying problem, since that reluctance itself and the reasons you give are problematic. Make an appointment with the gyn which is something every woman should do before the wedding in any case.

Your FIL is way out of line and it is up to your husband to tell him to back off, that controlling behavior is not going to help your marriage one bit.

 

[marty1818]

Could be a medical or psychological issue. Could be a bit of both. Certainly see a doctor and then figure out what the next step is from there.

 

[ChildofGod2091]

Sorry for my frankness here, but can anyone not see why I’d be uncomfortable with a woman inspecting my vagina? Not only that but trying to find a Catholic on at that so she isn’t trying to freaking shove birth control down my throat. Female Catholic gyno’s aren’t something advertised in our churches bulletin. We do have several Catholic dentists though…
Telling me to go see a gyno won’t do anything unless you can some how convince me I’ll die otherwise…and even then I’m sure I’d rather die, quite honestly.

 

[1ke]

Sorry for my frankness here, but can anyone not see why I’d be uncomfortable with a woman inspecting my vagina?

No. They are professionals and they are there to help you.

Not only that but trying to find a Catholic on at that so she isn’t trying to freaking shove birth control down my throat. Female Catholic gyno’s aren’t something advertised in our churches bulletin.

Male or female, Catholic or not, go see a gynochologist. Not all non-Catholic gynochologists “shove” birth contol at you. I have never had anyone do so, ever, and have never had a Catholic gynochologist.

Telling me to go see a gyno won’t do anything unless you can some how convince me I’ll die otherwise…and even then I’m sure I’d rather die, quite honestly.

You may have some issues that need not only physical but psychological attention.

Surely, you knew what marriage entailed. You seem to have a number of issues related to sex, virginity, etc. Go see a counselor.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Sorry for my frankness here, but can anyone not see why I’d be uncomfortable with a woman inspecting my vagina? Not only that but trying to find a Catholic on at that so she isn’t trying to freaking shove birth control down my throat. Female Catholic gyno’s aren’t something advertised in our churches bulletin. We do have several Catholic dentists though…
Telling me to go see a gyno won’t do anything unless you can some how convince me I’ll die otherwise…and even then I’m sure I’d rather die, quite honestly.

That’s a very selfish attitude. Your husband deserves your best effort to fix this. You are holding back a huge part of yourself, and that is downright wrong.

 

[runningdude]

Sorry for my frankness here, but can anyone not see why I’d be uncomfortable with a woman inspecting my vagina? Not only that but trying to find a Catholic on at that so she isn’t trying to freaking shove birth control down my throat. Female Catholic gyno’s aren’t something advertised in our churches bulletin. We do have several Catholic dentists though…
Telling me to go see a gyno won’t do anything unless you can some how convince me I’ll die otherwise…and even then I’m sure I’d rather die, quite honestly.

It doesn’t have to be a GYN, at least initially. It could be your trusted family doctor from when you were growing up.

The issues your having I don’t think are all that uncommon, and you might find speaking to a doctor to be reassuring.

In the very slight chance that it is something more serious, the doctor would be able to spot it. However, we in internet land have to be on the safe side and recommend the doctor route.

 

[puzzleannie]

Telling me to go see a gyno won’t do anything unless you can some how convince me I’ll die otherwise…and even then I’m sure I’d rather die, quite honestly.

that is not a normal reaction, and either is “feeling humiliated”. Yes you can ask your priest or diocesan family life office for referrals to Catholic or pro-life gyns but it while it is certainly normal to feel squeamish and uncomfortable about gyn exams this extreme aversion is a barrier to proper health care and cannot continue. What will you do if and when you do become pregnant? Notice no one is judging or criticizing you personally, but discussing certain feelings you expressed. The reason for the feelings about the doctor’s exam may very well be part and parcel for the reluctance to consummate your marriage and is in all probability treatable.

 

[joanofarc2008]

You can try this site here for a referral for a NFP/NaPro Gyn as well as some consultation with a nurse. It is the Pope Paul VI Institute. Other than that I cannot offer much help in this area except where to go for information and prayers.

Pope Paul VI Institute

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Let me clarify. It isn’t wrong to have these issues, its wrong to refuse medical help. You’re basically telling your husband that he can only have half of you, and that your intimacy isn’t worth fighting for.

 

[SummerSmiles]

Sorry for my frankness here, but can anyone not see why I’d be uncomfortable with a woman inspecting my vagina? Not only that but trying to find a Catholic on at that so she isn’t trying to freaking shove birth control down my throat. Female Catholic gyno’s aren’t something advertised in our churches bulletin. We do have several Catholic dentists though…
Telling me to go see a gyno won’t do anything unless you can some how convince me I’ll die otherwise…and even then I’m sure I’d rather die, quite honestly.

I can see how you’d be uncomfortable… I was nervous beyond belief right before my first PAP smear. It has to get done, though. At your age, you should be seeing a gyno for periodic exams anyways, but especially if you’re choosing to be sexually active, then you NEED to make sure that you are taking care of your health. What I found out is that I was making it into a much bigger deal than it really was. My doctor was very professional and willing to help me through the insecurities of my first visit. Sure, it’s still not my favorite thing to do, but I don’t stress out about going to see the gyno anymore.

You really do need to get checked out by a gyno. Sex shouldn’t be painful, and if you’re married, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s a very private type of problem, but you’ll feel so much better about it once you can find what is causing the pain and get treatment for it. There might also be a physical problem that is causing you to have such a low sex drive as well.

About losing your virginity, this is a discussion that you need to have with a professional–either a priest or a counselor. Virginity is a beautiful gift. Sex between a husband and wife is beautiful, too. God *designed *sex for bonding a husband and wife together and creating children, and you shouldn’t have to feel shame over having sex with your husband.

PLEASE seek help for these challenges you are facing.

 

[DihydrogenOxide]

Sorry for my frankness here, but can anyone not see why I’d be uncomfortable with a woman inspecting my vagina? Not only that but trying to find a Catholic on at that so she isn’t trying to freaking shove birth control down my throat.

Right. Ask around at church and see if anyone knows of a catholic gyno. I have one at mine that attends daily mass at 6:30 every morning before work.

Telling me to go see a gyno won’t do anything unless you can some how convince me I’ll die otherwise…and even then I’m sure I’d rather die, quite honestly.

It’s just because they don’t want to touch the subject. I’ll say this, our society isn’t the best for fostering a good understanding of sex. It seems that there is so much sexual misconduct that proper sexual behavior gets lumped in.


This youtube user has some great videos on theology of the body within marriage and the idea of sex inside the marital bonds. I’d give it a try and watch them. Pray that you may be healed of the hurt that you’ve gotten through our society. I wouldn’t seek counseling professionally. Maybe talk to a priest about it, one you’re comfy with.

Also, I think your problem is not so much a biological sex drive problem. I think it is more of a psychological one from years of programming that way. Watch those videos. Talk with your husband.

I’ll pray for you.

 

[michaelmas]

No one has said this so I will, You need to tell your father in law or your husband to tell him to lay off the pressure of childbirth by giving you pregnancy tests. That is ridicules and down right rude.

As for your sexual problems, are they? Losings ones virginity is not a sexually pleasurable experience but it is an act of becoming one with your spouse and full filling the sacrement. That act and what it means is so very beautiful.

As other posters have said I would seek council from a catholic psychologist and your priest. The only reason I would see the gyno is if there is some health issue you are worried about.

 

[Ellyakamommy]

Congratulations on your marriage. You touch on several points in your post, so I hope I can do my best to touch on them all.

First, I strongly recommend getting a thorough screening/check up. A competent OB-GYN will have dealt with issues of pain and low sex drive before. I acknowledge that I may be way off base, but I read a tone of anxiety in your entire post. It may be worth it to screen for depression and/or anxiety while you’re at it. The acid reflux, pain, sex drive, possible anxiety are ALL treatable and are all symptoms that can feed into each other. Again, there is no shame in having these symptoms and a competent doctor (or doctors) can do so much to improve this situation. Again, I encourage you to find a OB-GYN you trust, as this medical professional is someone you will develop a rapport with over the course of your married life.

Next, God loves good sex. He designed it. Please don’t think he doesn’t want you to have or enjoy sex. I assume you carefully discerned the vocation of marriage, and you would not have felt that calling if the married life weren’t for you.

It sounds like you have received a solid education on the importance of chastity prior to marriage. Have you read/learned about the sacredness of expressing our sexuality in marriage? It is pretty awesome stuff and why we wait, so we can express it in an ordered, God-given and God-blessed way. Theology of the Body is pretty heady stuff and once you learn about it, I don’t think you’ll feel any less or dirty for expressing love through the conjugal act.

If you would like some book recommendations, I can dig some up for you. On the other hand, if you are already familiar with these topics, I would have a serious conversation with your husband. While virginity and purity is an amazing gift, so is the sacrament of matrimony, the vocation of the married life, and the gift of our sexuality!

Your husband needs to know what you are thinking and feeling and how conflicted you are on this topic. Together you will need to discern how to proceed. A good spiritual advisor and some counseling sessions to sort out your thoughts and feelings will be helpful (again if anxiety is feeding these thoughts, being treated for that will also be helpful in sorting out these conflicting emotions)

Finally, kindly insist that your husband exercise his role of the head of your domestic church and have your Father-In-Law BUTT OUT. He may be family, may think he’s helpful or funny, but a good lesson in boundaries is never established too early in a marriage. FIL needs to know that pregnancy tests are not an appropriate gift for you as a couple. (Although to be charitable, it is nice that see seems to have so fully welcomed you into the family and is excited at the thought of you and your husband becoming parents…but still reign it in there FIL)

 

[1ke]

It’s just because they don’t want to touch the subject.

Forum rules *prohibit *giving medical, legal, psychological, financial, and other types of professional advice.

She needs counseling and we cannot give that here.

 

[Ellyakamommy]

Admittedly, I worked too long on my inital post and missed the OP responding.

You see a gyn because sexual pain disorders are real and treatable. You see a doctor because your husband may decide that since the marriage is unconsummated, he has grounds for annulment. Because not seeking treatment and hiding what you are dealing with is more painful and humiliating than admitting there is a problem to someone who is specifcally trained to help you.

Tone is difficult ot read, so know this is kindly meant. Your life will improve tremendously by seeking treatment instead of hiding.