I'm having a Problem with being too Abstract

[Latinitas]

Hi everyone,

Well, I’ve been kind-of depressed lately. It’s hitting me hard, because I’m starting to wonder if I have anything substantial to offer a woman (I posted about finding a spouse and finding non-intellectual hobbies, so see those posts). I’m a very abstract thinker - I’m a double major in math and theology - so go figure. I’m an intellectual to the extreme. From what I’ve seen, most women prefer someone who is a little more practical (which I’m not saying is bad, by the way).

When someone tries to give me adivce, they think I don’t know the abstract concepts of love, niceness, attitudes and stuff. I know that very well. I’ve had people tell me I’m very kind, and I’ve had a few tell me I’m physically attractive (couldn’t tell you if it’s true or not). I cannot think about the real concrete things that people do and make the connection. I’m not great at reading clues, but I don’t even know what to do if I knew with certainty. I can hold a conversation with someone (guy or girl) but I cannot see where the delineation is between friend and acquantaince, friend and girlfriend etc. I need to know how to get from A to Z with specifics. I know what to do conceptually. I don’t know what to do practically. It’s a terrible feeling.

I’ve decided to take up ballroom dancing, for fun and for trying to meet people, especially women (I don’t think that’s bad). But I still can’t see how to get from stranger to friend to girlfriend. I don’t see it. I have a lawyer like mind too, so I do well when things are explained very precisely and accurately and rigorously.

Any thoughts on how to learn? I’m feeling really low right now.

Thanks,
Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas

 

[pensmama87]

This really jumped out at me:

I can hold a conversation with someone (guy or girl) but I cannot see where the delineation is between friend and acquantaince, friend and girlfriend etc. I need to know how to get from A to Z with specifics.

I feel you on this! Maybe a life coach or counselor could help you? My situation is a little different, but I remember after having kids, a lot of my friends got really distant (having kids put me into a completely different stage of life). I wasn’t prepared for the massive withdrawal, and was put into the awkward situation of making new friends without having the social structure of school or work to do it in. Very difficult! My counselor (who I was also seeing for other reasons) helped me figure out a bit what I could comfortably do to meet new people, navigate unfamiliar social situations, and how to “read” conversations.

I don’t know if we have this in common, but it can be something to look out for: I was actually worrying too much. People generally liked me even though it’s obvious I’m a little eccentric. Where I started getting really anxious was when I felt like I had to alter myself to fit in or get someone to like me (beyond normal social conventions - reading someone like Miss Manners could help you with that). If you feel like you have to be a chameleon to get along socially, you’re probably hanging out with the wrong people.

Keep in mind too that you’re not the only one in a social “transaction” - it’s not just you figuring out the right code to punch in to get the result you want. The other person (or people) is doing the exact thing you are doing, and you will work together to build something over time if you both find that it suits you.

If you feel like you’ve made an acquaintance with someone - see them often at ballroom dancing, for instance, and you are able to exchange pleasantries with them there, you can say, “Do you want to go get coffee after class today? There’s a really great place [x].” If they say yes, then you’re moving closer to “friend” territory. Or you can ask them to do something outside of ballroom that you know is a common interest. If they say “no,” but offer a specific excuse, then you can ask about another set time. If they say no again, they probably want to keep the acquaintanceship limited to what it is already. And that’s OK, too. Most people only have a very few close friends.

Also - not to tell you that you can do no wrong socially - but if you have a negative social interaction, it may very well be that the problem is not just you (and sometimes not you at all.) The other person could be having their own issues you don’t know about. But we forget that sometimes and berate ourselves for not being 100% in charge of it, which isn’t possible anyway.

Hope this helps!

 

[Xantippe]

Hi everyone,

Well, I’ve been kind-of depressed lately. It’s hitting me hard, because I’m starting to wonder if I have anything substantial to offer a woman (I posted about finding a spouse and finding non-intellectual hobbies, so see those posts). I’m a very abstract thinker - I’m a double major in math and theology - so go figure. I’m an intellectual to the extreme. From what I’ve seen, most women prefer someone who is a little more practical (which I’m not saying is bad, by the way).

When someone tries to give me adivce, they think I don’t know the abstract concepts of love, niceness, attitudes and stuff. I know that very well. I’ve had people tell me I’m very kind, and I’ve had a few tell me I’m physically attractive (couldn’t tell you if it’s true or not). I cannot think about the real concrete things that people do and make the connection. I’m not great at reading clues, but I don’t even know what to do if I knew with certainty. I can hold a conversation with someone (guy or girl) but I cannot see where the delineation is between friend and acquantaince, friend and girlfriend etc. I need to know how to get from A to Z with specifics. I know what to do conceptually. I don’t know what to do practically. It’s a terrible feeling.

I’ve decided to take up ballroom dancing, for fun and for trying to meet people, especially women (I don’t think that’s bad). But I still can’t see how to get from stranger to friend to girlfriend. I don’t see it. I have a lawyer like mind too, so I do well when things are explained very precisely and accurately and rigorously.

Any thoughts on how to learn? I’m feeling really low right now.

Thanks,
Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas

1. Social skills can be and are taught systematically. If you work with a counselor specializing with young adults on the autism spectrum, you’ll learn a lot. Your college counselor might be a good start, although he or she will probably not be a specialist on social skills. But he or she may well know who to direct you to next.
2. Volunteer work involving other people? That’s less abstract.
3. Family life is very concrete (change the diaper, take out the trash, buy the groceries, take the kids to CCD), so it’s going to be very important to demonstrate to a prospective spouse that you aren’t going to have your head up in the clouds while she does all the dirty work.

 

[Xantippe]

If you feel like you’ve made an acquaintance with someone - see them often at ballroom dancing, for instance, and you are able to exchange pleasantries with them there, you can say, “Do you want to go get coffee after class today? There’s a really great place [x].” If they say yes, then you’re moving closer to “friend” territory. Or you can ask them to do something outside of ballroom that you know is a common interest. If they say “no,” but offer a specific excuse, then you can ask about another set time. If they say no again, they probably want to keep the acquaintanceship limited to what it is already. And that’s OK, too. Most people only have a very few close friends.

Yes!

If you only see a person in one context (work, church, etc.), they probably are just an acquaintance and aren’t a friend yet. If you make plans to get together and do get together, that’s a friend.

If you invite a woman out for a particular time, place and event and pay her way, she will probably feel that she has been on a date. If you date the same person 5 or 6 times a times and get a promise of dating exclusivity, congratulations, you have a girlfriend!

That part is relatively simple.