It’s really strange but it started with a nightmare about a demon. I had a dream that something was crawling on top of me. I ran my hand down it’s back and it was all hair. I freaked out and opened my eyes and it was this evil monster/demon. I demanded it’s name and it told me but I cannot recall what it was. I pointed at it and started casting it out in the name of Jesus. As a child my father was a “self professed” exorcist and taught us to memorize the Catholic rite for exorcism so I can rattle it off pretty fast. The “thing” flew off me and the bed and hit the floor. I was then standing over it pointing and casting it out while it growled and screamed and writhed. It then glared right into my eyes and said, “YOU USE HIS NAME BUT YOU DON’T EVEN SERVE HIM!” It then vanished and I woke up.
The terror was SO bad it was 2:30 a.m. and I just stayed up. I decided that I needed holy water. I found the nearest Catholic Church and stopped with a washed out pop bottle asking if I can get some holy water and they told me to help myself. While in the sanctuary I felt a warm comfort wash over me. I said to myself, “Wow this church feels so comforting, I think I should check out church again sometime.”
Well I went through hell. I could NOT sleep at all, I was terrified. I dug around and found my rosary I bought while in Ireland and wore it around my neck while I fitfully slept and threw holy water all over the bedroom. I was FREAKED OUT. I had the Catholic Channel on in my bedroom on TV all night long, hoping the masses would keep me safe. I realized that I can’t use rosaries, holy water, and Jesus to exorcise something and not even be right with God…the glaring obvious was there and impossible to ignore.
I found a mass schedule and went. I sat in the back and the tears just poured down my face. I could not stop, the dam broke and I was overwhelmed. I MISSED MASS. When everyone went up to take the Eucharist and I couldn’t due to mortal sin I sobbed my eyes out. I LOVED communion, it had meant everything to me at one time. An older man handed me a cotton hankie and told me “It’s OK honey. Just keep it.” Another woman put her arms around me and held me while everyone was taking communion. Every time they would sing or say a response and it was something I used to know by heart and no longer could remember, tears would run down my face. The priest noticed (how could he not? LOL) and after everyone left I talked to the priest. I arranged to come in and make confession with a 2nd priest because this one was going out of town to a conference. I found a 24/7 adoration chapel near me and started attending an hour a day and praying the rosary. I was having “cravings” to go and meet up with a guy I had been having a sexual “friends with benefits” thing with for 3 years! Every time I went to adoration it was gone, the desires, the feelings would just leave.
I have stayed in touch with the original priest via email and he told me that this next week he will come and do a house blessing for me and bring a newly ordained priest, which is wonderful!
I woke up this morning and immediately allowed Satan and my own mind to freak out that I could not give up porn, masturbation and sex. It’s just not possible—that was what I was thinking. I then, after a few hours of wrestling go or not go, go or not go, I decided that the way I was living had made me spiritually bankrupt and I hated my life. I hated myself because of the sins I was carrying. I remembered that it’s not ME that can do anything. It’s God doing it, I have to surrender to His will and He will give me the strength to do what is holy, righteous, and in line with his will.
I then went on my email and sent an email ending the affair. I went to confession, had a great conversation, confessed my sins, received absolution, and walked out feeling like I’d lost 25 pounds and grinning ear to ear! I am still nervous as I really WANT to live a holy life. But I’m going to walk this walk without sneaking, compromising and I will be honest when I fall and get right back up. I know with God’s guidance I will be the woman I was always meant to be.
I am going to find out who I am outside of sex and immoral living. I can’t wait to discover who I REALLY am meant to be and all that I can become. Thanks be to God!
And I cried so much during the confession, I think the Holy Spirit was using my tears to help to wash me clean. What an experience!