I'm in love and that's the problem

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confused2

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Hello,
I came here in search of an answer.

I am married and am very much in love with my wife. I would lay my life down for her. We have been married almost 20 years and have 4 beautiful children. She has been there through the good times and the bad. She stood by me when I turn my back on the church and family and she gently gilded me back with her compassion and prayers. I LOVE MY WIFE.

I have a teaching assistant. She is beautiful and funny and very spiritually deep. She is the best friend I have at the school. She is also very happily married and has wonderful children who play with mine. He husband and I are friends and she is very good friends with my wife.

So what’s the problem?

I know it’s only a friendship and could never be anything else. However; I think about her a lot. Nothing impure, just thoughts of being held by her, being in her presence. In a few weeks school will be back in session and we will be together again.

What really hurts me is that I truly love my wife and know that I should not have feelings for anyone else, but I do.

But then again, I know nothing can ever come of it.

Thanks for listening.
 
The fact that you came here to post about this indicates, to me at least, that this “friendship” is deeper than you may realize.

You do have an obligation to your wife, but mostly to God, to avoid temptations and the near occasion of sin.

If finding a new assistant or changing jobs is what it takes, you need to do that.
 
Hello confused2,

Please take this in the spirit of charity. I think the fact that you’ve come here and asked these questions means that you already know the answer. You said “However; I think about her a lot. Nothing impure, just thoughts of being held by her…” That IS impure. Those are feelings that you owe exclusively to your wife. You said “But then again, I know nothing can ever come of it.” But something already is coming of it. It is damaging your relationship with your wife. It is sapping the emotional vitality from your marriage.

Your teaching assistent is, for you, what’s known as a “near occasion of sin”. We’re called to avoid situations, things, or people that may lead to temptation.

In a perfect world, you’d be able to have a pure innocent friendship with this woman, but this is not a perfect world, nor are we perfect people.

I think you have two challenges in front of you. First is to try to structure your interactions to avoid situations that lead you down this path. Are the feelings strongest when you are working alone? Then find a way to work with others around you. Is it because you share lunch and coffee? Then change your lunch plans. Your second task is to pray for the virtue of fortitude to overcome temptation when you cannot avoid it. I think others on this board can give you good advice on this.

You said that you would lay your life down for your wife. Would you lay down your career and your friends if it came to that?

–Bill
 
You say you are friends with her husband.
When you find yourself thinking of her and longing to be with her again…start thinking about him and your wife…you are betraying them both just by having thoughts for this woman.
and you know this woman is spiritually deep, so any longing for her from you is going to be a temptation for her as well. Why would you want to make her life complicated, or risk her soul?

You really need to reflect during Eucharistic Adoration on what this longing is really about. Remind yourself that it is not the woman you long for, but something about her which feels right to you. Name that something and then look into why you find yourself wanting it from anyone, let alone her. Once you figure that out. But definitely nip this in the bud. If you find you really need whatever it is you’ve named then spend your time and energy figuring out how to get that from your wife/family/God. That will help realign things for you and you should be able to see that woman as ‘just a friend’ again.
 
Temptation is a part of our human existence, but let us realize that it is still straight from hell and the goal to Satan and his minions is to kill us spiritually.

Fight back spiritually. Read the Bible. Pray the rosary. Go before the Blessed Sacrament. Talk to you priest or other spiritual advisor. Above all, give no room for the devil.
 
Thanks for the responses.

Kay Cee: Thanks for the advice: At this time, changing jobs is not an option. I have tried to convince her to take a full time position in another class room. If nothing changes, this would be my last year teaching.

Mot Juste: Bill, thanks for the insite. I do my best to make sure that we are not alone. If we are alone, I make sure there is at least one desk between us.

YinYangMom: You are right, Eucharistic Adoration, and thanks for the reminder…
 
You are simply human. But, be a man, be mature, honor your commitments, exercise wisdom and prudence. Know that you wife cannot meet everyone of your needs. No one can. Now that you realize no good fruit can come of this relationship attachment, take whatever actions necessary to emotionally sever it. Otherwise, before you know you will be coventing your neighbor’s wife. Look to your wife to meet the needs that this coworker is fulfilling, and if this is not possbible, then be a man and suck it up and tuck it in. Then guess what, the confusion will dissipate. Also realize, that we can easily delude ourselves with rationalizations as to why this is a harmless and okay thing/relationship to dwell/indulge in. But this is walking out further on thin ice, and the devil has a way of leading us along into a greater snare, with the goal to cripple, destroy your marriage. Think of your kids, your retirement years with your wife and grandchildren. My blunt 2 cents.

God bless.
 
This is Big Bad Black Jaque here. I’ll arm wrestle ya, drink ya under the table; out throw, out jump, out shoot, run faster, knock down and drag out, and whoop any man on this board.

But what you’re suggesting?

Run away! Run awaaaay!
:eek:
 
I know a clergyman who felt this way about a woman who was not his wife and carried it around like a hot coal in his bosom for over 15 years. He never acted on his impulses. He under close spiritual direction. His director told him: These are the kinds of things men and women just live with, if they’re human.

The situation was not one in which distance could be placed between the people involved, so they just had to stand it. Neither he nor the woman wanted to be unfaithful to their spouses, and they weren’t. But it WAS difficult.
DO put as much distance between you as you possibly can.
 
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confused2:
Hello,
I came here in search of an answer.

I am married and am very much in love with my wife. I would lay my life down for her. We have been married almost 20 years and have 4 beautiful children. She has been there through the good times and the bad. She stood by me when I turn my back on the church and family and she gently gilded me back with her compassion and prayers. I LOVE MY WIFE.

I have a teaching assistant. She is beautiful and funny and very spiritually deep. She is the best friend I have at the school. She is also very happily married and has wonderful children who play with mine. He husband and I are friends and she is very good friends with my wife.

So what’s the problem?

I know it’s only a friendship and could never be anything else. However; I think about her a lot. Nothing impure, just thoughts of being held by her, being in her presence. In a few weeks school will be back in session and we will be together again.

What really hurts me is that I truly love my wife and know that I should not have feelings for anyone else, but I do.

But then again, I know nothing can ever come of it.

Thanks for listening.
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Flat out you need to get a new teaching assistant. my friends husband confessed these similar feelings for a girl he worked with. she was crushed. needless to say he quit the job and the girl hasnt been in their home since. I backed her up 100% i would have insisted on the same thing if it had been my husband. you shouldnt be thinking about her. try devoting that energy to doing something kind and thoughtful or even (gasp) romantic for your wife. feelings can very quickly turn to actions if you put your guard down for even a moment.
 
Can you not “trade” teaching assistants, even on the pretext of giving her work experience with another faculty member?
 
I am a wife of a man who loves me very much. My husband had a friend/ coworker married with kids like you do. I felt very uncomfortable with the relationship he had with her. I told him to sever the relationship last year, and the only communication should be professional. Because DH did not sever the relationship (he would hang out at bars with her and talk to her, she would call at midnight on the cell phone , she made passes at my husband and other people wondered if something was going on, this behind my back) it caused our marriage to suffer even though it was a friendship. This relationship took husbands focus away from our family and me. I found out last week that he was still communicating with her and had lunch with her even though he had quit his job and there was no reason for any contact. I thought he was having an affair because of an e-mail I read. He assured me he was not having an affair but he did admit he had an emotional connection with her. THIS HURT Me alot. Emotional attachments with other woman is just as hurtful as a physical . SEVER THIS RELATIONSHIP BEFORE IT GOES ANY FURTHER. If your mind is on this women it is taking away from your family and your wife and dont think that your wife doesn’t feel that your heart is not 100% with her. Until my husband saw that he lost my trust in him, he realized what he was doing was wrong and hurtful to our marriage. THis week things have turned 180 degrees. Now our marriage is back on track but there is steal some healing and work to be done.

Hope this helps. You may think its not hurting anyone but it is.
Protect your family…
May God Bless you and protect you.
 
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adv:
I am a wife of a man who loves me very much. My husband had a friend/ coworker married with kids like you do. I felt very uncomfortable with the relationship he had with her. I told him to sever the relationship last year, and the only communication should be professional. Because DH did not sever the relationship (he would hang out at bars with her and talk to her, she would call at midnight on the cell phone , she made passes at my husband and other people wondered if something was going on, this behind my back) it caused our marriage to suffer even though it was a friendship. This relationship took husbands focus away from our family and me. I found out last week that he was still communicating with her and had lunch with her even though he had quit his job and there was no reason for any contact. I thought he was having an affair because of an e-mail I read. He assured me he was not having an affair but he did admit he had an emotional connection with her. THIS HURT Me alot. Emotional attachments with other woman is just as hurtful as a physical . SEVER THIS RELATIONSHIP BEFORE IT GOES ANY FURTHER. If your mind is on this women it is taking away from your family and your wife and dont think that your wife doesn’t feel that your heart is not 100% with her. Until my husband saw that he lost my trust in him, he realized what he was doing was wrong and hurtful to our marriage. THis week things have turned 180 degrees. Now our marriage is back on track but there is steal some healing and work to be done.

Hope this helps. You may think its not hurting anyone but it is.
Protect your family…
May God Bless you and protect you.
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I am sorry to hear of your situation. I will pray for your marriage.

I whole heartidly agree with everything this poster has stated. I would only add/emphasize, that an affair can be entirely emotional. Like she says, just as damaging to the marriage and family. Don’t fool yourself that it has not yet graduated to the physical expression/entaglement.
 
Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions.

Maybe it’s all in my mind…

Although I do know what mercygate is talking about. There have been no inappropriate actions, flirts, gestures, comments, e-mails, phone calls, etc. If you watch us together it would look like a normal friendship, like with a sister; and I’m happy that she is happy with her family; and I am in love with my wife and family too.
 
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confused2:
Maybe it’s all in my mind… There have been no inappropriate actions, flirts, gestures, comments, e-mails, phone calls, etc. If you watch us together it would look like a normal friendship, like with a sister…
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You may have been able to fool everyone around you and maybe to a certain extent yourself. But your first post is the most honest. This is is a dangerous situation for you and your family. I KNOW for a fact that TA’s change, move on, rotate, leave all the time. Pull your head out of the sand and get a new one before it’s too late.
 
Are you truly in love with this other woman or just infactuate with her? Maybe you see things in her that you wish your wife would be or do. Remember, the other woman is not perfect either. The Lord has given you a beautiful gift in your wife, the mother of your childern. Be satisified with the blessings you have already received. When was the last time you and your wife prayed, really prayed, together?
 
I know I have not been around for a while. All has been good this year…so far. My assistant confided in me this week that she is having mariatal problems. I want to reach out and comfort her but know that I’m weak (when it comes to her) and I dare not? I am sad, she is hurting and there’s nothing I can do.
 
Look at it from another angle: let’s say you and your teaching assistant DO take it further, your wife or her husband finds out…what would happen? Two marriages destroyed, your friendship with her husband destroyed…Maybe if you look at the ‘worst case scenario’ you’ll realise it really, really isn’t worth even thinking about!

Anna x
 
Thanks anna,
I do look at the “worst case scenerio” and what keeps me honest is I love my wife too much.
 
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confused2:
I know I have not been around for a while. All has been good this year…so far. My assistant confided in me this week that she is having mariatal problems. I want to reach out and comfort her but know that I’m weak (when it comes to her) and I dare not? I am sad, she is hurting and there’s nothing I can do.
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Ohhh bad idea. Let her work it out on her own and say some prayers for her. Otherwise, stay far away. It is not your place to comfort her.
 
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