I'm in love and that's the problem

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ridesawhitehors:
For the love of Pete DO NOT tell this to your wife or you will be planting a seed of pain in her that will never be easily uprooted! :mad: .
You just suck it up and take care of this problem between you and God and your priest. Don’t hurt her by telling her.
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:amen:

I’ve never been married, but I’ve been in several serious relationships and the last thing I want to know is that my significant other has the hots for another woman. It would break my heart and destroy the relationship.

I think I understand the idea that telling the wife will get the secret out in the open so the man will have to behave, but the damage factor and the destroyed TRUST will still be there. It won’t work.
 
There seems to have been posts that have been deleted :confused:

As far as not telling his wife, how can something be fixed if you don’t know it’s broken? He stated he is “in love” with this woman not just attracted to her. She is meeting some need of his that his wife isn’t. How can his wife take steps to protect her marriage and her family if she doesn’t know about it? It already sounds as if he is having an emotional affair of some sort.
I doubt highly that this temptation is going to go away by itself given that he works with her everyday. Confession will help but is he going to go every day? He’ll be tempted as long as he works with her. Once his wife knows, the friendship between the couples will probably disappear and so will any get togethers that are not work related. If he isn’t strong enough to get her out of his life I’m sure his wife will do it for him.

I’ve posted for advice on here about my marriage situation and many responders say that marriages can become more intimate after an affair and to stick it out. Why can’t his marriage become more intimate before a potential affair? Why does it have to wait until disaster?

To the OP, go to the marriagebuilders.com website and see how affairs develop. I think you will find it enlightening. I’ll be praying.
 
I’ve never been married, but I’ve been in several serious relationships and the last thing I want to know is that my significant other has the hots for another woman. It would break my heart and destroy the relationship.

I think I understand the idea that telling the wife will get the secret out in the open so the man will have to behave, but the damage factor and the destroyed TRUST will still be there. It won’t work.
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I can only say that my marriage got stronger from my hubby admitting an attraction. Each person is different though.

I suppose that I wasn’t hurt because I assume that people who work closely with those of the opposite sex stand the possibility of being attracted to them. Let’s face it, when people come to work they are normally dressed nicely and act in a professional manner. You don’t get the opportunity of seeing them with all their faults or sitting around the house in their sweats with baby drool running down the back of their necks.

In my case, I had noticed that this particular woman was very flirtatious with various men in the office. I had never pointed out her behavior to my husband because I thought that it would be catty to do so and I do try and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.So, when my hubby told me I was not upset. We discussed the situation, I pointed out her behavior toward not just him but other men and we prayed. Within a very short period of time, he became heavily uninfatuated with her. In fact, he began to notice many more faults then he would have before.

Of course, people are all different. Just because this worked in my marriage does not mean it would work in the OP’s marriage, nor does it mean that a person is wrong for not wanting to know.
 
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ridesawhitehors:
For the love of Pete DO NOT tell this to your wife or you will be planting a seed of pain in her that will never be easily uprooted! :mad: .
You just suck it up and take care of this problem between you and God and your priest. Don’t hurt her by telling her.
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I would agree, if he could take care of it himself. But if not, it is far better to enlist the help of the wife than cause her much more pain down the line because he couldn’t handle it. Adultery is a lot harder to uproot.
 
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LeahInancsi:
Everytime that I hear of someone confessing something of this nature to their spouse, it has irreparably damaged the marriage. You must bear this cross alone for your wife’s benefit.
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The OP knows his wife and his marriage much better than we do, and will hopefully know whether it would be helpful or otherwise to tell his wife.

My husband and I, before we were even married, talked about how easy it is to suddenly develop “feelings” for or attraction to a person you happen to spend alot of time with. “Feelings”/emotions can be very random, and are not always in our direct control to just stop. SO in our marriage, we have ALWAYS told each other as soon as we had feelings develop. The confessor tells the simple truth, asks for prayers to overcome it, and then promises to do all in his/her power to keep out of temptation. The listening spouse promises to be as understanding as possible, to PRAY (most importantly), and to be encouraging and forgiving instead of critical. We both strive to have the utmost trust and confidence in each other’s complete faithfulness… it helps us try to be deserving of that trust. We have found the confession itself to be very helpful in deflating the improper emotions. For us, it was always a great relief to get it off our chests, and to know that we had our spouse’s love, support, and especially prayers. IMO, secret emotions can be even more dangerous than ones that are laid in the light of day. They loose some of the mystery and allure, and can more easily be seen for what they are… meaningless, transient emotion.

That said, I do agree that it would be dangerous to tell the object of your emotions of your feelings.
 
It seems that the marriages where there is already enough capital or a strong foundation in the form of trust and a mutual awareness of what are the expectations as well as the humility to acknowledge when there is a need for support are all factors that help them to weather the storms .

Love and seduction are very diffrent - love watches out for what is best for oneself and others whereas seduction is lot more about feeling good as the object of someone’s ( often transient) attention - who are also needy themselves ! She as a subordinate/ asst. giving the semblance of respect might be a major factor and if so , if the marriage needs work in this sphere , this could be the wake up call for same ( www.ewtn.com has a booklet-in doc. lib.under the section on humility - title’ the wife desired’ that might be helpful …and then lots of mercy- from both sides …)

The ‘other woman’ in this episode having marital problems is likely a good clue that ‘the tempter’ / seducer - as in the garden is making use of her …and changing the perspective , by seeing that seductive spirit operating through her ( or even filling someone shaped just like her !) and then seeing her as a separate person - a wife , mother, one day to be in heaven with all could all be in the battle plans ; can always join her and all her family( with of course yours ) at the feet of The Lord, pleading for mercy, for all who are similarly afflicted …and with heaven cheering you on …
Peace !
 
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confused2:
Hello,
I came here in search of an answer.

I am married and am very much in love with my wife. I would lay my life down for her. We have been married almost 20 years and have 4 beautiful children. She has been there through the good times and the bad. She stood by me when I turn my back on the church and family and she gently gilded me back with her compassion and prayers. I LOVE MY WIFE.

I have a teaching assistant. She is beautiful and funny and very spiritually deep. She is the best friend I have at the school. She is also very happily married and has wonderful children who play with mine. He husband and I are friends and she is very good friends with my wife.

So what’s the problem?

I know it’s only a friendship and could never be anything else. However; I think about her a lot. Nothing impure, just thoughts of being held by her, being in her presence. In a few weeks school will be back in session and we will be together again.

What really hurts me is that I truly love my wife and know that I should not have feelings for anyone else, but I do.

But then again, I know nothing can ever come of it.

Thanks for listening.
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Often, affairs begin…one step at a time. No one just jumps into them. First, you start thinking about the person, then, there’s lunch or dinner. All ‘innocent’ of course! LOL But, then, the thoughts are not enough, and you begin to start yearning for something more. Sin is always disguised as fun. The devil will not appear to you in a red costume, with horns on his head. He appears through our weaknesses. For some reason, your marriage has a gap, somewhere, and you must close it. Not that we can’t be tempted, even in the most ideal marriages, but let’s face it. If you are thinking about this person, being ‘held,’ etc…you are starting to ponder things that a married man shouldn’t. I agree with the poster who suggests you find another assistant (although that will be legally hard if she’s good) or moving to another position.

If you love your wife, and love God, then that’s the best option. To continue along the path you’re walking on, will end in a dead end disaster. Good luck & God bless you! I’ll pray for you. 😉

ps: I noticed that you don’t describe your wife as ‘beautiful,’ yet you describe the assistant in this way. Why is that?

pss: I would also look into couples counseling, because from the sounds of your dilemma, you have had marriage problems in the past–significant sounding. (you turned your back on your family, etc…) Now, if your wife thinks everything is rosy, now…then, you’ll have to explain that you have some issues (without bringing the friend situation into it) that you really have not worked on enough, and you think counseling would be best. PLZ DON’T IGNORE THIS PROBLEM…!! 😦
 
Affairs don’t always have to do with the marriage being ‘faulty.’ It very much of the time has to do with a problem that the cheating party has, not the other spouse. Just wanted to add that, therefore I don’t think you need to tell your wife about these feelings. But, you need to tell her that you’re having some issues, and need some help. Ask your priest about it, too, and maybe he’ll direct you to what to do.
 
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confused2:
Hello,
I came here in search of an answer.

I am married and am very much in love with my wife. I would lay my life down for her. We have been married almost 20 years and have 4 beautiful children. She has been there through the good times and the bad. She stood by me when I turn my back on the church and family and she gently gilded me back with her compassion and prayers. I LOVE MY WIFE.

I have a teaching assistant. She is beautiful and funny and very spiritually deep. She is the best friend I have at the school. She is also very happily married and has wonderful children who play with mine. He husband and I are friends and she is very good friends with my wife.

So what’s the problem?

I know it’s only a friendship and could never be anything else. However; I think about her a lot. Nothing impure, just thoughts of being held by her, being in her presence. In a few weeks school will be back in session and we will be together again.

What really hurts me is that I truly love my wife and know that I should not have feelings for anyone else, but I do.

But then again, I know nothing can ever come of it.

Thanks for listening.
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Completly cut off all ties with this other woman. Give up the friendship for yourself and your wife. Every time you think of that other woman say a prayer for her to be the best wife and mother she can be to her husband and children and pray that you will be the best husband and father to your wife.

It is easier than you want to think to cut off ties. You dont have to be rude, but simply cut conversations short and do not make lunch plans or spend time talking to her after class. Try to avoid getting together with she and her husband as couple as well. By entertaining these feelings or allowing yourself to spend time with her you are enjoying playing with fire. You don’t have to poke out your eyes but you must do everything possible, starting with cooling off your friendship until you drift apart and are cut off.

You can fool yourself into thinking you can be “just friends” but by your original post I can tell that you would only be playing with fire, whether you act on it or not, it is a guilty pleasure. It will eventually go away, especially if everytime she enters your mind you pray for her and yourself. I know this from personal experience. IT works. The devil will stop tempting you if you pray every time you are tempted to “dream” about this woman. It will make you stronger, and you will find that you can still be connected to this woman through appropriate prayer, rather than inappropriate friendship with inappropriate feelings.
 
DO NOT discuss this with your wife. You just need to change the way you deal with these feelings, turn them around with prayer.

If everytime this woman enters your mind, you recognize it as a call to prayer (to pray for her and yourself) it will change the way you think about her.

IF there are marital problems, work on* those*, but if you have not acted in any way with this other woman, then discussing your feelings about her with your wife will cause problems in your marriage.
  1. Make a firm commitment to cool off and end the friendship with the other woman and her husband. Avoid her. Don’t feel guilty about it. The friendship has become inappropriate whether you act on it or not.
  2. If you and your wife are mutual friends with them, and your wife mentions having them over for dinner, etc. then tell her that you dont’ enjoy their company anymore. If she asks why tell her that something about them makes you uncomfortable. If she wants a specific reason, tell her that they simply give you an uneasy feeling. Hopefully she will not invite them over or anything.
  3. Focus on your marriage. If there is anything that could use some work, get busy and work on it. You can always give more or do more. I am sure your wife wouldn’t mind going out on a date or two,
  4. Change you thought patterns. They are probably becomming habit. Every time you think of this woman, consider it a call to prayer and pray for her to be the best wife, pray for her marriage and pray for your marriage.
  5. Do not allow yourself to entertain thoughts about her. It is playing with fire. Immediately pray for her. This does the trick.
 
I am shocked and appalled by the way people are characterizing this woman.

saying she is evil and a seductress and the tempter

pleeeezzz

he already said she is holy…they have a spiritual connection

As a woman who considers herself above reproach I am offended by the way this woman has been characterized.

I feel that this man and this woman are above reproach.

Why can’t people have holy friendships…which is what this man has with this woman?

He has not indiciated anything of a sexual attraction for this woman. She is a friend.

so are you people saying once married you are not supposed to have friendships outside of your primary relationship? that is what it sounds like.I think its a bit extreme.
 
do you think about your ‘friends’ holding you? I don’t. I mean, I like my friends…but…

I think that his thoughts are becoming feelings of love…thus the name of the thread. :rolleyes:

ps: I don’t think the ‘friend’ is a temptress though. But, thinking about people of the opposite sex in ways that start to borderline feelings he should be having for his wife only, are red flags that this is (at least in his mind) more than a friendship.
 
hmmm

no i don’t think about hugging my friends.
i just do it.
 
Everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. What you are missing, is that his feelings are starting to sound like** more than friendship**. sigh

Whatever! :whacky:
 
also

I have to say that is is unjust for people to suggest that the woman be removed from her job. she has done nothing wrong.
 
mary's kid:
There seems to have been posts that have been deleted :confused:

As far as not telling his wife, how can something be fixed if you don’t know it’s broken? He stated he is “in love” with this woman not just attracted to her. She is meeting some need of his that his wife isn’t. How can his wife take steps to protect her marriage and her family if she doesn’t know about it? It already sounds as if he is having an emotional affair of some sort.
I doubt highly that this temptation is going to go away by itself given that he works with her everyday. Confession will help but is he going to go every day? He’ll be tempted as long as he works with her. Once his wife knows, the friendship between the couples will probably disappear and so will any get togethers that are not work related. If he isn’t strong enough to get her out of his life I’m sure his wife will do it for him.

I’ve posted for advice on here about my marriage situation and many responders say that marriages can become more intimate after an affair and to stick it out. Why can’t his marriage become more intimate before a potential affair? Why does it have to wait until disaster?

To the OP, go to the marriagebuilders.com website and see how affairs develop. I think you will find it enlightening. I’ll be praying.
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Perhaps he could figure out what need this other woman is filling. Then, rather than hurt his wife by admitting his “love” for the other woman, he could just tell his wife that they need to work on this or that and find solutions. It is so easy for women who are married with children to be totally boggled down with the responsibility and “drag” of the same thing everyday of being home and responsible for so much. If his wife is beginning to seem boring, perhaps she needs time to be allowed to develop and grow as a person. Maybe she needs a break to work out or go shopping, try some new hobbies. The other woman may seem more exciting because the wife is so burdoned with responsibility. Perhaps she doesn’t know what the husband wants.

If I were in that position, I would much rather my husband figure out what our marriage is lacking and go from there to improve. If he told me he had feelings for another woman or was “in love” with another woman I would be completely crushed!
 
That I agree with–I think he needs to learn to keep this a friendship…but it sounds like he is feeling a bit more.
 
perhaps your male pride is getting the better of you and this has nothing to do with the woman at work at all.

As a woman who is above reproach, I don’t like it when men automatically assume I want them just because I LET THEM talk to me. that is the height of arrogance. it shows to me that the men does not think of the female sex in a pure and holy way to begin with.

i think what this man’s real issue is. its a psycho sexual spiritual matter that has absolutely nothing to do with the woman at work. he has just allowed the female attention to go to his head

and all these posts accusing her of being a temptress just feeds his ego even more.

I think it is morally wrong to accuse this woman of being at fault. clearly this man’s ego has gotten the better of him.
 
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LumenGentium:
I am shocked and appalled by the way people are characterizing this woman.

saying she is evil and a seductress and the tempter

pleeeezzz

he already said she is holy…they have a spiritual connection

As a woman who considers herself above reproach I am offended by the way this woman has been characterized.

I feel that this man and this woman are above reproach.

Why can’t people have holy friendships…which is what this man has with this woman?

He has not indiciated anything of a sexual attraction for this woman. She is a friend.

so are you people saying once married you are not supposed to have friendships outside of your primary relationship? that is what it sounds like.I think its a bit extreme.
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I am not sure whether I read anything about the “other woman” being evil or a temptress… However the thoughts that this man is having about another woman, other than his wife are an evil temptation, not the woman, but the tempting thoughts, themselves are wrong and need to be rooted out.

I don’t think the woman needs to be fired, but I think this man needs to cool off the friendship and perhaps trade assistants with another teacher, or make some other change.

I have been in the “other” woman’s position with a close friend’s husband. She was a close friend. My husband and I were mutual friends with both of them and our children played together, and I saw them as a “set,” a “couple” and never had inappropriate feelings for him. She cooled off our friendship and when I found out a year later why, I was glad that she did. I value their marriage far more than our friendship. It made me sad, but I would rather sacrifice our friendship than to be in that kind of position. Marriage trumps other friendships in my opinion!

Maybe it is somewhat normal for a man to battle feelings like this whenever there is a kind and attractive woman around. The most important thing is to battle it!

I didn’t see the posts you are talking about the woman being characterized in a negative way. I will have to read again.

Also, he says he is having feelings of “being in love” with this woman and thinks about holding her etc. That is what the post is about… he has feelings of more than friendship for her. When those of us who are married find ourselves attractred to another person in a “more than friendship kinda way” the relationship should be cut off.
 
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