I'm in love and that's the problem

[confused2]

LumenGentium:

I am shocked and appalled by the way people are characterizing this woman.

saying she is evil and a seductress and the tempter

pleeeezzz

he already said she is holy…they have a spiritual connection

As a woman who considers herself above reproach I am offended by the way this woman has been characterized.

I feel that this man and this woman are above reproach.

Why can’t people have holy friendships…which is what this man has with this woman?

He has not indiciated anything of a sexual attraction for this woman. She is a friend.

so are you people saying once married you are not supposed to have friendships outside of your primary relationship? that is what it sounds like.I think its a bit extreme.

Thank you LumenGentium…You are right. SHE has done nothing wrong. I am the problem. She is my sister in Christ and that is the only way I can look at her. Yes, she is very beautiful, but her beauty does not compare to the love I have for my wife.

Maybe I’m making too much out of my feelings. I may be confused about this particiluar feeling. I have never loved a woman, other than my wife, like I love this women…that is to say, outside of the relationship my wife and I have, she is my best friend…I have never had a relationship with a woman this deep before…does that make sense? I DO NOT WANT SEX with her, I just enjoy being in her company and miss her when we are not together…
Thank for listening

 

[Peace-bwu]

I wouldn’t assume that the “other” woman is doing anything wrong. The fact that *he *is having strong and inappropriate feelings for her indicates to me that he needs to take responsibility for that and cool off the friendship, not because of anything that she has done, necessarily. This isn’t to punish her but for him to nip the feelings he has in the bud.

 

[whatevergirl]

Maybe you should share these feelings with your wife…if you can’t, then it’s a ‘friendship’ that should cease. Afterall, I thought we were to be open and honest with our spouses…??

 

[LumenGentium]

confused2:

Thank you LumenGentium…You are right. SHE has done nothing wrong. I am the problem. She is my sister in Christ and that is the only way I can look at her. Yes, she is very beautiful, but her beauty does not compare to the love I have for my wife.

Maybe I’m making too much out of my feelings. I may be confused about this particiluar feeling. I have never loved a woman, other than my wife, like I love this women…that is to say, outside of the relationship my wife and I have, she is my best friend…I have never had a relationship with a woman this deep before…does that make sense? I DO NOT WANT SEX with her, I just enjoy being in her company and miss her when we are not together…
Thank for listening

ok that sounds normal to me

I don’t think it is wrong to be friends with her. And maybe you are not sure if it is OK to have friendships with other women because of posts like what appeared in this thread.

I kind of thought initially it was because you are not used to having female friends but i wasn’t sure.

one thing i do know is that some men get the wrong idea about me. This is so offensive to me At that point I know the man does not think of women in a holy and upright way to begin with and it has nothing to do with me. needless to say I am offended at the idea that they would think of me in such a manner because the underlying message is that they are basically accusing me of being a whore when they think like that. that is so totally offensive and that is why i had to respond to what people were suggesting in this thread.

The women accusing her of being a temptress or whatever are no better in my opinion.

if i were you i wouldn’t bother coming here anymore because these women will just mess you up and put thoughts in your head that aren’t true.

 

[anamchara]

confused2:

I know it’s only a friendship and could never be anything else. However; I think about her a lot. Nothing impure, just thoughts of being held by her, being in her presence. In a few weeks school will be back in session and we will be together again.

What really hurts me is that I truly love my wife and know that I should not have feelings for anyone else, but I do.

But then again, I know nothing can ever come of it.

Thanks for listening.

You do not need to keep saying you love your wife. I don’t think you would have married her if you didn’t. The feelings your having are not uncommon, confused. Please don’t feel so hurt over this. It’s what we do with these feelings that counts. I noticed there was a lot of time between when you posted each time. Are you still working with her?

I would agree with those who suggested putting some distance between you both and maybe talk to the priest about it. A priest once told me that “we all get crushes, even priests do” maybe that’s all this is?

I feel there is a difference between marital love and romantic love…and perhaps this where you might be struggling as well?

 

[whatevergirl]

Wow…I find your thoughts interesting. Why would someone think of a woman as a whore, when she is merely someone’s friend? Bizarre, and I’m sorry you have gone through such scrutiny.

I think the ultimate thing with the poster’s intial dilemma, is his **own ** feelings. He sounds like he is not wrestling with merely being friends with a woman at work. It sounds like he is wrestling with the feelings being more. I wouldn’t want my husband to have feelings for another woman…friends are fine, but if I felt that he was starting to preoccupy his thoughts over her, I would feel sad–and maybe thinking non-sexual thoughts about her would be worse, actually. I think anyone who loves his/her spouse wouldn’t want them to be smitten by another–sexually or not.

 

[Peace-bwu]

confused2:

Thank you LumenGentium…You are right. SHE has done nothing wrong. I am the problem. She is my sister in Christ and that is the only way I can look at her. Yes, she is very beautiful, but her beauty does not compare to the love I have for my wife.

Maybe I’m making too much out of my feelings. I may be confused about this particiluar feeling. I have never loved a woman, other than my wife, like I love this women…that is to say, outside of the relationship my wife and I have, she is my best friend…I have never had a relationship with a woman this deep before…does that make sense? I DO NOT WANT SEX with her, I just enjoy being in her company and miss her when we are not together…
Thank for listening

I can understand where you are coming from, but when you said you have been having thoughts of holding her etc. I hope you are being honest with yourself about the physical attraction. I have known people who have had “emotional affairs” that is what I call them and they sometimes lead to physical affairs. Emotional attachments are more powerful than physical attractions. If you have both, you are truly playing with fire.

Since you have to work together, I highly suggest trying the prayer method I suggested. It worked for me. I was having obsessive and inappropriate thoughts about an old boyfriend, it was habit and I couldn’t make the thoughts stop. We are both happily married, but every time I went back “home” to visit, I would fall into the thought patterns and memories of him. I have never had any intentions to act on those feelings. When I started praying for him and his marriage every time those annoying thoughts started, it really helped! I don’t have the feelings, but when I think of him I still pray. Maybe you can get past it if you pray for her everytime your friendship seems a little too “deep” or you start having those feelings of physically holding her, etc.

I hope this helps.

 

[LumenGentium]

i don;t think he is wrestling with the feelings being more

I think all of the women who chimed in on this thread are the ones who are wrestling

its no wonder he is confused with the way some people over react.

he just wasn’t sure if its ok to hug not just her but any woman. he probably felt like hugging her one occassion without even thinking about it and stopped himself because he was worried about how it would APPEAR or thought to himself i wonder if this is right to do or not merely because he happens to be married. if he wasn’t married this wouldn’t be an issue…he would have hugged her without giving it a second thought.

Now he has to think: Would his wife get mad for instance? it could be something they never discussed or that never happened before when he was dating his wife.

 

[whatevergirl]

I think you’re judging what looks to be people trying to help someone before he hurts his friendship and marriage. I think people are trying to be understanding, and through a message board, so much is left to one’s imagination. I don’t think you should judge those on here who merely want to help someone, in a Godly manner. If you want to hug everyone–go for it. This thread has nothing to do with someone who is seeking to hug a friend.

Come on. LOL

 

[Peace-bwu]

deb1:

This is interesting. We females are all having completely different reactions on the wisdom of telling the wife of his crush.

This would make an interesting subject for a thread.

I agree, how interesting!

 

[LumenGentium]

whatevergirl:

Wow…I find your thoughts interesting. Why would someone think of a woman as a whore, when she is merely someone’s friend? Bizarre, and I’m sorry you have gone through such scrutiny.

I think the ultimate thing with the poster’s intial dilemma, is his **own ** feelings. He sounds like he is not wrestling with merely being friends with a woman at work. It sounds like he is wrestling with the feelings being more. I wouldn’t want my husband to have feelings for another woman…friends are fine, but if I felt that he was starting to preoccupy his thoughts over her, I would feel sad–and maybe thinking non-sexual thoughts about her would be worse, actually. I think anyone who loves his/her spouse wouldn’t want them to be smitten by another–sexually or not.

well i don’t think he is smitten with her. it wouldn’t bother me if a guy was just friends with a woman. it would bother me though if he preferred her company to mine.

1. this man clearly said he is in love with his wife.
2. he never said he was in love with his friend from work.
3. he clearly said he did not have sexual feelings for the woman at work.
4. he is afraid to ask someone about an affectionate impulse he had to hug a friend…who happens to be female…

I think it is normal to hug friends.

.

 

[Peace-bwu]

i don;t think he is wrestling with the feelings being more

I think all of the women who chimed in on this thread are the ones who are wrestling

its no wonder he is confused with the way some people over react.

he just wasn’t sure if its ok to hug not just her but any woman. he probably felt like hugging her one occassion without even thinking about it and stopped himself because he was worried about how it would APPEAR or thought to himself i wonder if this is right to do or not merely because he happens to be married. if he wasn’t married this wouldn’t be an issue…he would have hugged her without giving it a second thought.

Now he has to think: Would his wife get mad for instance? it could be something they never discussed or that never happened before when he was dating his wife.

But… he said he is wrestling with deep emotional feelings for this woman and that he is having thoughts of holding her, etc.

You are right, it wouldn’t be a problem if they weren’t married. That is the whole point of the thread. He is married and is struggling with feelings that are possibly inappropriate. That is why he started the thread. Did it say something anywhere about women not being allowed to “chime in?” do we not have valid advice or opinions?

Also I have searched this thread entirely and found no remarks about this woman being called a whore or evil or anything of the sort. Where are they? Were they deleted or something?

I have been at this site for a very long time and this is what we do here… someone starts a discussion and we all “chime in” with support, advice or just a kind word. Perhaps it will help him to have a married woman’s perspective on this matter.

I have been married to my wonderful husband for 11 years and my friends run the gamut of various marriage situations, both happy and sad. I have been a shoulder to cry on and have seen some of both my male and female friends get caught up in emotional affairs outside their marriages. I know from experience that it can lead to negative consequences. I have alot of real world experience with this, and my husband and I have a very happy marriage, so my advice comes from alot of experience.

How long have you been married? Just curious, since we have such a different opinion on the matter.

Also, I see you are very new to the CA forums, WELCOME!

All the posts I have read in this thread seem to be in the spirit of help and support.

 

[Peace-bwu]

Checking for tickers… I think I removed them …

AHHH yes, ticker free, almost as good as “tick free” on camping trip.

Sorry those were soooo annoying! LOL!

 

[anamchara]

Peace-bwu:

But… he said he is wrestling with deep emotional feelings for this woman and that he is having thoughts of holding her, etc.

You are right, it wouldn’t be a problem if they weren’t married. That is the whole point of the thread. He is married and is struggling with feelings that are possibly inappropriate. That is why he started the thread. Did it say something anywhere about women not being allowed to “chime in?” do we not have valid advice or opinions?

Also I have searched this thread entirely and found no remarks about this woman being called a whore or evil or anything of the sort. Where are they? Were they deleted or something?

I have been at this site for a very long time and this is what we do here… someone starts a discussion and we all “chime in” with support, advice or just a kind word. Perhaps it will help him to have a married woman’s perspective on this matter.

PS EVERYONE:

**I apologize for the long tickers that follow my posts, I am going to try to remove them… didn’t know they were so huge, I am annoying *myself ***

with these stupid tickers! :whacky:

Peace, thank you. I was going to say the same thing…not about your tickers your right it is very clear he is having more than “just friends” feelings and that is a red flag when your married. I doubt he would have posted anything if the poor man thought it nothing, right?

Lumen, there is a big difference between warm feelings of attraction and just strickly platonic I’ve been married for nearly 20 yrs and have very healthy friendships with men but I’ve also had warm attractions for certain men as well…I’m married but not dead and this does happen but there’s a big difference between these feelings.

ps. acknowledge the feelings and be aware of your place, it’s all you can do. And pray ALOT! and read the bible

 

[LumenGentium]

here is why he is confused:

“What really hurts me is that I truly love my wife and know that I should not have feelings for anyone else, but I do.”

The part in bold is wrong thinking and that is what is causing him to feel hurt on the inside.

he wrongly believes it is wrong to have feelings for ANYONE else…

that is just not realistic

he wouldn’t be human if he didn’t have feelings for anyone other than his wife. none of us would

jealous people are the ones who make up these ideas and call them rules.

marriage is different from all other relationships because it is sexual exclusivity.

so when you get married you are making an agreement not to have sex with anyone else.

marriage is not a promise to NOT have friends
marriage is not a promise to cut off all other relationships. that is extremely selfish and unhealthy.

marriage is a promise to love honor and cherish one’s spouse in chaste courtship for life. marriage is a community event as well, and we are to share our love for each other with the community. therefore, you are to maintain your friendships with the community. not stop participating in it.

 

[Peace-bwu]

Lumen,

I would be willing to guess that you aren’t married. Are you? I am curious because we have such a different “take” on this.

I have many male friends, only appropriate friendships, and they are mainly my friend’s husbands. My husband enjoys the company of most of my girlfriends.

There is, however, a deeper level of friendship. If a married person begins to have a deep emotional relationship with someone of the opposite sex, when it becomes spiritual and they are emotionally attached to the point of missing them when with their marriage partner, when they start having feelings of holding the other person, then the relationship is boarderline inappropriate.

I have already decided that if I began to have deeply emotional or physical attraction to a male friend, I would end the friendship immediately. The original poster obviously was questioning where to draw the line and realized that his friendship with his TA was crossing the line a bit.

Nobody says a married person can’t have friends, but there is an appropriate line, and those who are able to remain in fidelity with their husband or wife know where that line is and when to end a friendship because it is boardering on an emotional or physical affair.

 

[Peace-bwu]

whatevergirl:

I think you’re judging what looks to be people trying to help someone before he hurts his friendship and marriage. I think people are trying to be understanding, and through a message board, so much is left to one’s imagination. I don’t think you should judge those on here who merely want to help someone, in a Godly manner. If you want to hug everyone–go for it. This thread has nothing to do with someone who is seeking to hug a friend.

Come on. LOL

I was VERY huggie when I was a teenager and college student. It becomes less appropriate to give random hugs to the opposite sex, especially when married, as we get older. I have nothing against appropriate hugs, LOL Just a fact of life in the professional world or married life.

 

[LumenGentium]

hi peace

i think its normal to miss our friends…you miss your kids and your parents right?—ok maybe not your parents lol

and you are not married to them.

he missed her because she is a ray of sunshine. just like kids are

people miss their dead parents

you’d miss your pet if you had one. i am sure.

I am single but like i said i have hugged married men…many married men…and they are catholic…they are older than me. we have spiritual friendships…they love me—as a person! not an object!!!
but all ages of men…not just retired

I can’t tell you how deeply hurt and offended I would be if they thought of me as being a loose woman…i would be angered at their arrogance and i would also have to laugh because there is no way i would go for an old geezer. i am offended that people would think that i would go for an old geezer or even someone who is already married. it really is a sin against me to think untoward thoughts about my character.
.

Needless to say they would hurt any chances of having me brighten up their life if they ever thought anything so unwholesome about my character.

oh and their wives love me too.

just had to get that out there!

 

[anamchara]

LumenGentium:

I can’t tell you how deeply hurt and offended I would be if they thought of me as being a loose woman…i would be angered at their arrogance and i would also have to laugh because there is no way i would go for an old geezer. i am offended that people would think that i would go for an old geezer or even someone who is already married. it really is a sin against me to think untoward thoughts about my character.
.

Needless to say they would hurt any chances of having me brighten up their life if they ever thought anything so unwholesome about my character.

oh and their wives love me too.

just had to get that out there!

I’m not sure what this has to do with feelings that go beyond a platonic friendship. Frankly, I am somewhat offended by the phrase “old geezer” it makes me wonder how old you are.

It could be that I’m reading a few of your posts wrong, God knows it wouldn’t be the frist time. But I feel this is a case of “me thinks the lady doth protest too much” why do you keep talking about these hugs and the chance that people might get the wrong impression of you? I’m really not understanding this.

 

[LumenGentium]

the person with a clover in their siggy shouldn’t focus on me so much.

your comment that you think i protest too much is shameful. you have no right to judge the character of others and you are definitely wrong in my case as well as the woman the man is writing about. you are very very wrong.

also you should pay closer attention to the facts.