I'm just another one of those weird moms

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no1special

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How should I respond to a mother who emailed me that her daughter would like to take my son (14) swimming this weekend. Her daughter was on my son’s sports team and likes my son. On many occasions, his teammates have joked with him that he should be with this girl. My son gets along with everyone and has many friends. Daughter even was so forward as to ask him if he liked her back. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings by directly saying he didn’t like her, but that he liked everyone. She didn’t get the picture.

My son is open with me and has told me there’s a girl he likes at church, but that he’s only friends with this girl.

TBH, I’m surprised that this mother would message me to ask. Our kids are too young to be exposed to situations that may be near occasions of sin.

How do I politely respond, but make clear that my son will not be spending time with her daughter at the pool or any time outside of games/practices?
 
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I have to say I have no parenting experience, but as a person who was 14 back then…why is this even a decision for you? Isn´t 14 a way out of the age where parents arrange the child´s friend circle in this way?
It´s good your son is that open to you 🙂 But I think he can adress this alone…
 
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He has never needed my help with making friends. He makes friends very easily and is well-liked.

Her mother got me involved by messaging me. So, I’m stuck between him NOT liking this girl and me having to discourage her without being blunt.
 
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no1special said:
He has never needed my help with making friends. He makes friends very easily and is well-liked.

Her mother got me involved by messaging me. So, I’m stuck between him NOT liking this girl and me having to discourage her without being blunt.
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Is it maybe a opportunity to tell the mother that the two teens may discuss their meetings on their own (in kind words, not like “don´t mail me, this is weird”)? I understand you didn´t chose to interact with her, maybe there´s a way like “I´ll ask my son if he has her number” and then moving on…
 
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I find her being involved this way to be refreshing, - and I am the biggest “free range” parent around. She would not let HER 14 year old go on an outing with parents she’d never met, she assumes the same of you.

My reply would be “If Brittany would like to ask Austin to go swimming, that is fine with us. Than you for reaching out parent to parent before they make plans.”

It is okay for teens to go do things together and be friends, in fact, romance at 14 is begging for big problems!
 
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no1special said:
How do I politely respond, but make clear that my son will not be spending time with her daughter at the pool or any time outside of games/practices?
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I’m not sure you need to cover all possibilities in perpetuity. Seriously, just politely decline (e.g., “no thank you, we’ve got other plans”) and be done with it.

If she replies asking when might be a good time, then you might need to go a little deeper into the situation. But for now, just politely decline and be done.
 
I would suggest to the mother that the two youths should communicate directly, as your son does with all his friends to arrange social events. At 14, it’s unusual for the girl’s mother to be reaching out to you.

It may be that she’s sensed that your son isn’t interested romantically in her daughter, and she’s trying to coach her daughter appropriately.

Maybe ask in a friendly way why she reached out?
 
When you say, this weekend, do you mean going somewhere overnight? Or just going to the pool some time this weekend? I don’t understand why you think a trip to the pool is an occasion of sin.
 
Allegra said:
When you say, this weekend, do you mean going somewhere overnight? Or just going to the pool some time this weekend? I don’t understand why you think a trip to the pool is an occasion of sin.
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I meant going swimming at a particular time this weekend.

It’s an occasion of sin for them because:
1 - At a teammate’s party that they all attended, she sat near my son and put her legs on his legs.
2 - She has expressed her interest in him very openly amongst the teammates and why he hasn’t made a move on her.
3 - Bathing suit attire is not a modest form of dress and would tempt some to think sinfully. Very dangerous to his and her souls especially if she’s so bold as to try to make physical contact with my son.

Hands down, this would be opening him up to a world that he’s too young to handle, especially with a girl who seems to be throwing herself at him.
 
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So I see a few things worth reconsidering. First of all, I don’t think it is forward for the girl to ask your son if he likes her. Or “LIKES” her, even. They are 14. This is what 14 year olds do. It is perfectly normal.

Secondly, how is a swim date a near occassion of sin???

Third, how nice for the mom to email you. Obviously, she felt it was more appropraiate than her daughter asking your son directly, without the mom’s involved.

Assuming proper supervision of the swim “date” is provided, and personal safety also isn’t an issue, I believe you should let your son decide for himself if he wants to go. If he decides he doesn’t, then what better time in life for him to learn how to gently decline an invitation of this sort.

I think everything you described about the situation is normal. I know it is hard to think of your little boy growing into a young man, but that is where he is right now. Raise him right and teach him the social skills for this type of situation. And don’t be so hard on the girl. She sounds comletely normal. Is there something else you don’t like about her that you didn’t share?

ETA: Didn’t see the part about the legs when I initially made my post. I gotta say, still sounds like normal 14 year old behavior. Your son will have to learn how to handle himself around women in bathing suits…I am surprised you think this will be a problem (?). I would advise to resist the temptation of sheltering your son too much. At 14 these issues are going to cross his path as a part of normal, everyday life. He needs the opportunity to learn to deal with them.
 
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He’s interested in and talking to a good Catholic girl that is very modest and proper. He exhibits wholesome behavior towards the Catholic girl and he has great respect for her.

The other girl has clearly exhibited worldly behavior with a weakness of the flesh. For me to allow him to be in a situation with a girl that would most likely be a temptation for him to sin, (he’s a 14 year old boy after all), would be a sin on MY part as a parent.

I know that what I allow my children to be exposed to at such a critical time in their lives would be playing with fire. Throwing them into compromising “adult-like” situations so soon, without adult supervision, would be throwing him to the wolves. She’s clearly ready for physical contact which is evident in her behavior towards him.

His soul is at stake here and he hasn’t matured enough to be strong enough to tackle such powerful temptation when hormones are involved. He’s only 14 not 18.
 
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QwertyGirl said:
She sounds comletely normal. Is there something else you don’t like about her that you didn’t share?
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The behavior she has exhibited - I don’t like. Her mother trying to get our kids together to swim - I don’t like.

I know I’m old school but I don’t believe in playing with matches.
 
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You took all of the words out of my mouth.

Swimming is not the 8th deadly sin.

If your son does not want to go, it is up to HIM to man up and say “Thank you for the invitation. I do not wish to go.” Polite, respectful, no need for drama. However, it seems like it is more you do not want your son to go to something you see as a sinful activity.

Do parents really talk about “making a move” wrt their 14 year old kids???
 
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I appreciate everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut on this as I was unsure as to what to respond to her mother’s email. I was not unsure about whether he should go or not - I knew I was not sending him. I was looking for (name removed by moderator)ut as to what to say.

Thanks to all who helped!
 
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You’re the mom and your son is 14. You are totally allowed to make the call on whether or not he goes swimming with this girl, and everybody else’s opinions can just fall by the wayside.

I also have a 14 year old son. I get to be his one and only mom. You get to be that for your son. And if people on CAF think you’re being too restrictive, who cares? You’re this child’s parent. They can go raise their own children.

Happy Mother’s Day!
 
I was raised in a very restrictive and sheltered environment. By the time I became a mom myself, I had to do a lot of seeking to figure out what “normal” and “reasonable” was. I did it through studying and seeking opinions of others. You are correct, though. It is her child. She has to make the decisions. I encourage parents who aren’t quite sure to never be afraid to seek.
 
Amen to that!

My upbringing was the complete opposite of yours, though it seems to be the norm these days – do whatever you want, no boundaries, few rules. I felt lost and made some horrible mistakes along the way.

I have been blessed to be surrounded by moms with children close to my son’s age, so I never have to go far to get advice or just a listening ear. And these moms run the gamut from daily-mass-attending-homeschooling-moms to career-climbing-atheist-moms. So I really have all the advice I could ever need.

But of course, in the end, we know our children best, and need to work with their strengths and weaknesses to help them grow into adulthood.
 
If you think swimming suits are going to make your son think sinfully, why in heavens name is he on a swim team?
 
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