Im losing my faith

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TarAshly

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Hey yall, long time no chat. well let me tell you why. back in November DH and I found out we were pregnant. It wasnt two weeks later that I miscarried. It was by far the most horribly painful, both emotionally and physically, experiance I have been through. To add salt to the wound my sister found out she is pregnant with baby number two, only two days after I miscarried. some of you know my history with my sister, and know why I refer to this as salt to the wound. Ever since then I cant seem to have the desire to go to Church, read the bible, pray my rosary or even come on these forums. Even when I pray I feel so disconnected from the Lord and what im praying for or about. I dont know if I feel like God has abandoned me or if I have given up on Him. I dont know what to do. Morals wise I am slipping. My personal life as far as my marriage and my family have not yet started to suffer, I have gotten my dream job, but spiritually I just feel SO empty. I need prayers, advice and some hope yall. Thanks.

Tara
 
PM me if you want to, I am going to bed now, but I can tell you my story if it may help, or if you want to vent. I will be online after 10:30 Mass.

Dont despair. I have read your previous posts (not all but some) and I am praying for you tonight.

Good night dear sister.

Dont let go. Hang on.
 
TarAshly said:
Hey yall, long time no chat. well let me tell you why. back in November DH and I found out we were pregnant. It wasnt two weeks later that I miscarried. It was by far the most horribly painful, both emotionally and physically, experiance I have been through. To add salt to the wound my sister found out she is pregnant with baby number two, only two days after I miscarried. some of you know my history with my sister, and know why I refer to this as salt to the wound. Ever since then I cant seem to have the desire to go to Church, read the bible, pray my rosary or even come on these forums. Even when I pray I feel so disconnected from the Lord and what im praying for or about. I dont know if I feel like God has abandoned me or if I have given up on Him. I dont know what to do. Morals wise I am slipping. My personal life as far as my marriage and my family have not yet started to suffer, I have gotten my dream job, but spiritually I just feel SO empty. I need prayers, advice and some hope yall. Thanks.

Tara
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I would highly recommend a book by Father Benedict Groeschel called Arise From Darkness and another by Peter Kreeft called Making Sense Out Of Suffering.
 
Tar, I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your husband.

I’ve heard it said before that the prayers, devotions, and Mass attendance offered to God out of obligation and not out of spiritual passion are some of the most pleasing to Him. Don’t know if that might give you something to think over or not. I recall it often when I’m in a spiritual dry spell, and somehow I get through.

God bless you.
 
I’m sorry about your loss. I had a miscarriage once and it is physically and emotionally draining. You are probably still grieving. You might also have what is termed ‘situational depression’. This is a temporary depression that is related to a specific situation, in your case the loss of your baby.

This type of depression can spiral into something more serious. It’s not helped by the fact that we are in mid-winter, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) might also be contributing.

God Bless you.
 
my prayers go out for you with sincerity.

i would definatly recommend picking up a copy of “story of a soal” Padre Pio’s personal letters to his spiritual director. itwill change your life.

pax christi
 
Tar,

I don’t think that you are loosing you faith, I think that you are grieving. Our modern society does not understand the grieving process. We tend to think that people should cry a bit, dust themselves off and go on with life.

You will always have saddness for this loss but over time it will become more bearable. My hubby and I still talk about the miscarriage that I had many years ago but the intensity is no longer so sharp.

As far as keeping faith…it helps me to remember that we Christians are never promised an easy path in life. Much of life seems blindly unfair. But God can see what we can not and has reasons for everything.

I will pray for you, I promise.
 
At this time it is likely the pain and depression that you are feeling is clouding your thoughts. I would also like to caution against focusing those feelings on your faith in God. Losing faith in a god or gods is a big step in ones life and should be undertaken with a clear mind. If it is not, then at some point in time you will regret the decision. I would suggest waiting a few months, continue offering up prayers, attending mass and whatever else it is that Catholics do. That will allow for time for the pain of the pregnancy loss to subside and perhaps for you to become pregnant again. If at that point you still question, then it is the time to begin to investigate further. Until then, dealing with losing a wanted pregnancy and with losing faith in God is a monumental task. Good luck.
 
When I had my second miscarrage in a row, I was so angry with God - I thought, How could He allow this to happen to me? He is all-powerful and all-knowing… WHAT did I do to deserve this? My husband would drag me to church and I’d hear a baby cry and I’d lose it and run out. It was a terrible time in my life. I know how you feel. I am so very sorry that your baby died.

I think God understands your grief. It does take time to heal. The only thing that helped me was to try again - that hope of another baby, although I was always scared to death that the same would happen.

My advice would be to avoid your sister for your own sanity. Also, I joined a miscarrage support group - that was really helpful. I felt that unless someone had gone through the loss of a preganancy, she had no idea what it was like.

I think if your only prayer is: God, I don’t feel you anymore. I am so mad and sad, please help me, He will honor that request. You haven’t lost your faith in God - it is still there but it’s buried under a moutain of grief - grief for your child. What could be worse? I will pray for you. I am so very very sorry. 😦
 
Prayers here, too!

But take heart – the very fact that you posted here gives hope. Most everything that has been said above is great. Just remember, feeling a disconnect with God is not the same as having one. Keep doing whatever God-related things you can do, no matter how little, and when you can, try to push yourself to do more. If you fail, don’t beat yourself up, just keep doing what you can.

It can sound glib, but it’s true: this, too, shall pass.

God bless you.
 
carol_marie said:
When I had my second miscarrage in a row, I was so angry with God - I thought, How could He allow this to happen to me? He is all-powerful and all-knowing… WHAT did I do to deserve this? My husband would drag me to church and I’d hear a baby cry and I’d lose it and run out. It was a terrible time in my life. I know how you feel. I am so very sorry that your baby died.
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I remember being at that point. I lost our only pregnancy at 5 weeks, almost two years ago. The due date would have been right around Christmas 2005. At the time I worked in a lab that processed patient samples for a number of studies, the main one being a study of children from birth…which meant going over to hospital maternity units to pick up cord blood samples from moms/babies in the study. It was really difficult to do that for some time after the miscarriage. I didn’t copy this part of Carol’s post, but I agree that you might want to keep a bit of distance from your sister to let yourself heal. I wish I’d done more of that. A couple of months after the miscarriage, our friends’ son turned a year old. I had to duck out of his birthday party so I wouldn’t cry in front of people. I guess at that moment, I understood just a bit what the crucifixion must have been like for Christ. I mean, we love our friends, they have a beautiful son, and I’m so happy for them, but it was like being stabbed in the gut. And then of course my period started that night.We all have our crosses, but sometimes this cross really stinks, I’d love to be able to put it down. :mad:

I’ve spent a decent amount of time in the confessional dealing with my grief, my anger, my despair and lack of courage concerning this issue. Our parish priests have been amazing. I remember reading a newspaper column from a priest who, although happy with his vocation, occasionally would look at babies in the congregation or his own relatives and grieve the children and grandchildren he would never have. That made me really realize that even though priests have chosen celibacy, they might be among the most able to understand the pain and loneliness involved. If you have a priest who is compassionate, try talking with him.

In the meantime, TarAshly, I will keep you and your baby in my prayers. I’m so sorry for your loss. God bless you.
 
TarAshly,

God never gives a person a burden they cannot handle. Maybe God wants you to go in a different direction. My daughter has several children but wanted more. Try as she might subsequent pregnancies have ended in devastating miscarriages. When she realized that she might not be able to have more children of her own, she began fostering children. So far she has adopted three (3) and has one (1) in process. She absolutely rescued these children from horrible circumstances and is providing them with love and a life they couldn’t get anyplace else. Three of these children came to her as babies and the fourth at about eight years of age. I couldn’t be more proud of her and couldn’t feel more blessed as a grandfather.

Give it a little think, maybe there’s a load of little :angel1: :angel1: :angel1: in your future.

Iowa Mike
 
I will pray for you also. I know firsthand how life can really stink. I am very sick and that has been and can still be a very hard pill to swallow. All I have read is this one post of yours but let me tell you I have a sister who I don’t even speak to because I am not going to let myself keep being treated that badly. I am not angry. Just protecting myself. I have spoken to a couple highly educated people about this. One of them being a priest for over twenty years.
Anyways, I know how you feel.
My sister seems to have it all and my husband and I struggle so much.
Please know that you are never, ever alone.
I know what it is like to feel distanced from God.
I have been there so much.
You are going to be okay.
And you will come out a stronger person.
We love you here and are here for you always!
Karen
 
I really appreciate everyones support. I believe I am taking a step in the right direction. I am going to go to church tonight. I think I finally realized that my bitterness is with the miscarriage itself and not with God and that I really need Him to get through this. I am nervous about my Church accepting me back after I refused offer after offer to go to church with people, ignored pleas for my return etc. but I have to take this step. Thank you all so much. I dont know why I didnt come on here sooner to get the help I knew I needed and the support I knew I would get from here. God Bless you all.
 
Hey Tara, don’t worry about the folks at church accepting you back. If they were sincere to begin with, they will be overjoyed to see you.

My eldest daughter is 8. For a lot of reasons I won’t go into, by the time she was about 18 months old, I really began to believe that God would never let us have another child. This made me very sad, because I’d always wanted a very big family, and it was apparent that wasn’t likely to happen. Out of the blue, to my shock and amazement, when my daughter was 3 I discovered I was pregnant. I cannot begin to describe to you the absolute JOY I felt when I found out I was pregnant! I can’t describe it, but for the first time in my life, I physically felt so LOVED by God! I actually FELT like He loved me! I have never felt so wonderful in all my life, not before then or since (and I’ve gone on to have two more children since then). I kept mum, as you are supposed to do, because I was so early on. Then at about 7 weeks, I miscarried. It felt like a slap. It felt like the whole thing had been not a demonstration of God’s love for me, but of His disgust with me, like the whole thing was a cruel, cruel punishment. I thought I’d never recover. I wanted to turn to God, (where else would I turn?) but I couldn’t help but feel rejected, despised. I knew perfectly well that He loved me, that He wasn’t punishing me, but oh how it felt… I went to church, I prayed, I begged, I pleaded…and eventually, through His grace, I was able to move on. I had to.

Returning to work was terrible, too. It’s hard to act like nothing ever happened just because no one knew you were pregnant.

Over time, with His grace, I coped. It didn’t help when my sister got pregnant a few months later (just like you and your sister). I had to suck in my grief and ride the wave of family joy for her. Lo and behold, Six months after I lost my baby, I became pregnant again. Again, I begged God, pleaded with Him, please don’t take this baby from me, too. Both my sister and I delivered healthy full term babies, and I went on to have another, as well. My sister, whom I had envied, had silently endured a miscarriage at the exact same time I had, and has since had another. She has known that terrible grief twice. That has humbled me, and made me feel even worse for envying her. (I’m not implying anything about your relationship with your sister, I know nothing of it. I’m just empathizing about having a pregnant sister after miscarrying.)

Father Corapi says God exercises our strength by testing it. He compares faith to a muscle or a skill that needs exercise or practice to make it stronger and better. I know a woman who had 6 miscarriages in a year. Seriously. She has 8 beautiful children on this earth, and 6 sinless precious babes in Mary’s arms. Mother Angelica said once to a caller on her live show who called about the sorrow of her miscarriage that the woman should rejoice that she has a child in heaven who never offended God. A child perfectly free of sin, who is a powerful and precious advocate for her before God. When you think of your lost baby, remember that. It will bring you solace. God brought you to your knees with this loss so that He could bring you closer to Himself. Remember Mary’s sorrow, and ask her to pray for you. Remember that in heaven, God will dry every tear. Let Him start drying them now. You will be in my prayers.
 
TarAshly said:
I really appreciate everyones support. I believe I am taking a step in the right direction. I am going to go to church tonight. I think I finally realized that my bitterness is with the miscarriage itself and not with God and that I really need Him to get through this. I am nervous about my Church accepting me back after I refused offer after offer to go to church with people, ignored pleas for my return etc. but I have to take this step. Thank you all so much. I dont know why I didnt come on here sooner to get the help I knew I needed and the support I knew I would get from here. God Bless you all.
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Wait a minute! We are the Church!!! ALL The Catholic posters here are part of the Church Milliatant!!

YOU are very welcome and dont need an invitation!! You ARE a member of the body, and darn it- God knows the number of hairs on your head! You are in baby!

Dont think you are “less than”’ or not good enough! You are!!🙂

Dont do this to yourself, You are a Catholic. We have enough guilt already, we dont need no more!!! LOL

Come back to your safe haven, and come back when you need to talk!
 
Damascus said:
Wait a minute! We are the Church!!! ALL The Catholic posters here are part of the Church Milliatant!!

YOU are very welcome and dont need an invitation!! You ARE a member of the body, and darn it- God knows the number of hairs on your head! You are in baby!

Dont think you are “less than”’ or not good enough! You are!!🙂

Dont do this to yourself, You are a Catholic. We have enough guilt already, we dont need no more!!! LOL

Come back to your safe haven, and come back when you need to talk!
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Damascus…YOU ROCK!!!
You have “love one another” down to a T!!!
God bless you…
Karen
 
I have had two preborn children die this year. I cry through mass. I just sit in the very front and take lots of tissue. Rarely does anyone notice. I have an awful time praying the rosary. It is hard. In the end I offer my sorrow up as my prayer. I unite it with the Sorrow of Our Heavenly Mother. I watch chidlren to make ends meet. It is so hard to hold the newborns at first. I smell their little heads and weep. I am thankful that parents have left their little ones in my care. It has helpped me. I can’t explain it. My children are Saints in heaven and I Love them dearly. My relationship with those two children has grown. They are my constant companions. They pray for me and their family without stopping. I feel blessed, but it doesn’t make the pain go away. I will pray for you.
 
Boy does the Lord work in mysterious ways! I went to church with the intent of going to a charasmatic prayer group meeting thinking I needed some prayers big time. Well while there flipping through a bulletin waiting for the meeting to start I noticed this posting for a spiritual healing support group. I decided this was more along the lines of what I needed at this time in my life, to heal and grieve, so I went to this meeting instead. It feels like its exactly where I need to be to get over my anger, disappointment and grief and to reconnect me with God. Talk about the Holy Spirit interviening when necesarry. Thank you all so much and yall please keep me in your prayers. This is going to be tougher than I thought but at least I finally feel like I have some direction and that I am finally on the right road.

Tara
 
TarAshly said:
I really appreciate everyones support. I believe I am taking a step in the right direction. I am going to go to church tonight. I think I finally realized that my bitterness is with the miscarriage itself and not with God and that I really need Him to get through this. I am nervous about my Church accepting me back after I refused offer after offer to go to church with people, ignored pleas for my return etc. but I have to take this step. Thank you all so much. I dont know why I didnt come on here sooner to get the help I knew I needed and the support I knew I would get from here. God Bless you all.
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Tara:

We’re just glad to be able to be of help, because all of us have had terrible looses in our lives. You’re faith isn’t lost - It’s what’s been allowing you to put one foot in front of the other.

The interum rector at St. Mary’s used to treat AIDS Patients. In the mid 1980’s, 5-7 of the patients he and his associates treated died each week. Various doctors used to ask how he dealt with this weekly death toll. He answered, “Because, I know I’m going to see them again.”

Here’s the lyrics from a song written by an acquiantance of mine who lost her young son in a tragic auto accident:

SUDDEN DEATH
Lyrics – Susan Palosaari, Sandie Brock, Owen Brock, David Holmes, and Jeff Rosas
Music – Matt Spransy, Bruce Wright, Doug Pinnick

*Shall death pass by
Or grievance spare our common cup
The servant’s share
Night’s dirge, and morning’s dance
Slowly heal remembrance

In the eyes of a child who wonders
Child of age or child of heart
On the way to a better kingdom
We can only see the start
In the shadows see us dancing
Hear our voices in the wind
There’s a bridge over every river
Now we’ve crossed the one to Him
Praise the Lord we can live forever
Oh death where is thy sting?
Those that sleep will be resurrected
We’ll crown Him King of kings*

danroth.org/node/85?PHPSESSID=e815eadeadedf162da0cb08ced461c90

Here’s a line and a link to a prayer some Orthodox Brothers sent me after Terri Schiavo died:

AKATHIST for the REPOSE of Those Who have FALLEN ASLEEP

O Lord of unutterable Love, remember Thy servants who have fallen asleep.

users.sisqtel.net/williams/akathist-repose.html

I would try to say the whole prayer each day as a novena with whatever friends can bear it, or with your husband, if he can bear it. It’ll take about 25-30 minutes.

Also, during the day, try the “Jesus Prayer” (called “The Prayer of the Publican” by those who prayed it in the early Church):

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God;
Have mercy on me, A miserable sinner.

Repeat as often as necessary.

One day, you’ll look back on this and see only one set of footprints, and you’ll realize they weren’t yours.

I hope this helps.

Your Brother in Christ, Michael
 
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