I'm nervous to lose my virginity?

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Kelly_Anderson

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So I’m Kelly and about 5 months ago, this new guy moved to Santa Barbara and started going to my Church. I didn’t notice him, since there are so many people, but he noticed me. He came up and started talking to me after Mass. Shortly after that, we began dating. A couple weeks after that, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I love him because he’s exactly like me, and I knew I wanted to marry him. 5 days ago he proposed to me on my birthday, and I couldn’t have been happier. But now our weddings coming up and I feel like I don’t want to lose my virginity. I love having this status of “Saving it for marriage”, and I don’t want to give that away. I feel like I want to stay a virgin. Is this normal to feel this way?
 
Think about it this way. After your wedding night (or whenever you two… you know, perform certain actions) you’ll have the status of “Saved it for marriage”.
 
It’s normal to be anxious about big changes in life. A marriage is a big change. You’ll be relating to your spouse in a whole new way than you did when you were just boyfriend and girlfriend. It is intensely intimate, and both of you are very vulnerable. It is wonderful, but it can also be nerve-wracking. 🙂

You might also be concerned because, depending on how it was taught and how you interpreted it, sex may seem dirty or bad in comparison to the purity and virtue of virginity. Chastity is a calling for ALL people, but that looks different depending on one’s station in life. Married people, engaging in sexual relations, are being chaste too - they are living out their God-given sexuality. And sexuality IS a gift from God. 👍

So I wouldn’t be worried overmuch about your worrying. But if you are concerned that you might have the wrong idea about sex, even on a subconscious level, these are good resources:

Holy Sex! by Dr. Greg Popcak

Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West
 
There’s no right timetable for marriage, but maybe consider waiting a bit–5 months isn’t that long to get to know the man you’ll be with for life.
 
I think it’s normal to have a little apprehension about the wedding night, since you don’t really know what to expect and it’s a new, emotional experience. But I don’t think it’s normal to want to remain a virgin- you should be generally looking forward to your wedding night and not concerned with losing a label. You said you “don’t want to give it away”, and that is a little concerning, in my opinion.

Do you think your feelings about it might have to do with how serious this relationship became over a relatively short amount of time? That’s not to say that people can’t meet and be sure over a few months, but some people do need more time than that to discern. Your hesitance might be an indicator that you are not quite sure, and if that is the case you should set up a meeting with your priest. Don’t rush into a marriage if you are having doubts about any of it.

Have you talked to your fiance about this?
 
Carlj1497 said:
Think about it this way. After your wedding night (or whenever you two… you know, perform certain actions) you’ll have the status of “Saved it for marriage”.
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Exactly this!!

OP, I understand what you are feeling. Being a virgin in our current society can sometimes become a part of your identity in a way. But what you have been working so hard for is almost here! Get married, and be happy. Your virginity will go away, but your chastity will not!
 
Yeah it sounds pretty common. Just some first time jitters. Sex however was given as a gift from God and is a process of a man and women becoming one under Him.
 
Carlj1497 said:
Think about it this way. After your wedding night (or whenever you two… you know, perform certain actions) you’ll have the status of “Saved it for marriage”.
Click to expand...
Wow I never thought about it like this. Right now I’m proud to be a virgin, but after our wedding, I guess I can be proud that I saved it for marriage. I also think that I’m kind of nervous for the act itself. I get butterflies thinking about it, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m nervous or excited.
 
I think it’s normal to feel nervous about changes in life.

But I would suggest a long engagement. You’ve only been dating for five months. People can fake sanity for up to a year so make sure you really know this guy before you marry him. I would not have the actual wedding ceremony before next summer, just to be sure. Hopefully things will go well for you and your fiance, but there have been some cases where people rushed into marriage and it ended very badly. The wife gets pregnant right away and then she’s stuck with some jerk who she’s only known for a few months for the sake of the baby. A long and unhappy marriage. 😦
 
Kelly_Anderson said:
So I’m Kelly and about 5 months ago, this new guy moved to Santa Barbara and started going to my Church. I didn’t notice him, since there are so many people, but he noticed me. He came up and started talking to me after Mass. Shortly after that, we began dating. A couple weeks after that, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I love him because he’s exactly like me, and I knew I wanted to marry him. 5 days ago he proposed to me on my birthday, and I couldn’t have been happier. But now our weddings coming up and I feel like I don’t want to lose my virginity. I love having this status of “Saving it for marriage”, and I don’t want to give that away. I feel like I want to stay a virgin. Is this normal to feel this way?
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Yes, it normal but also based on fear. I think you need to have a real good chat with him about this. You two need to do some rearch about the process involved so you know what to expect. You need to plan your wedding night so you feel safe, loved. Phone a sex therapist and ask him to help you plan this night.

I will pray for you. Every stage of our life is characterized by new things…this is just a new step in your life…approach it openly and honestly. Planning is always better than winging it…Because two of you will be there…he needs to be involved in the process of planning and understanding so he can respond lovingly.
 
Jessie5000 said:
Yes, it normal but also based on fear. I think you need to have a real good chat with him about this. You two need to do some rearch about the process involved so you know what to expect. You need to plan your wedding night so you feel safe, loved. Phone a sex therapist and ask him to help you plan this night.

I will pray for you. Every stage of our life is characterized by new things…this is just a new step in your life…approach it openly and honestly. Planning is always better than winging it…Because two of you will be there…he needs to be involved in the process of planning and understanding so he can respond lovingly.
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I agree that they should discuss this together, but I don’t think they need to involve a sex therapist to help them plan their wedding night! Maybe I am misunderstanding what you mean, but most people figure things out pretty well on their own. If they run into an issue, then they could consider professional help, but I’m not really sure what there is to “plan”.
 
Kelly, I absolutely, before God and His Court want to offer Him praise that you have saved yourself. It is a valiant and sadly uncommon thing to do these days. I wish I’d waited. But on your wedding night, let yourself give yourself to your husband and know it will be a Sacred Act and God is blessing it.
 
I got married 2 years ago, and I too was a virgin on my wedding night. I remember feeling the same way as you describe now.

But then I got married, and it didn’t seem so bad. Other posters have already given good advice, but it’s good to remember that as a married woman, it is chaste to make love to your husband.

Oh!! Actually now that I think about it, my husband kind of had a hard time “adjusting”. After fighting his urges for so long he felt guilty “giving in”. I remembered reading something, that I shared with him, that helped him a lot. I have no clue if I’m quoting it right or where I even read it, but basically I read that Satan does everything he can to get unmarried people to have sex, and everything he can to keep married people from having sex.

Anyways: It’s good to remember that when you get married God WANTS you to have sex. It’s ENCOURAGED now.

I think that was a lot longer-winded than it needed to be. Please message me if you have any questions. I was in your shoes not long ago.
 
Not only is it normal to feel that way, that is exactly how you should feel! The Church does not permit relations before marriage in any way…even if you have agreed to marry. To give up one’s virginity before marriage is a serious sin. So far, you are doing everything correctly. Also, remember that you will feel so much better if/when you actually do what you had set out to do (i.e., waiting until marriage).
 
Keep listening to your intuition and do not rush into marriage. There is more than one totally typical reason to feel as you do. Some lead to marriage and some don’t. By the time you are ready to marry and when you find the right person, you will possibly still feel some anxiety about giving yourself so totally, but also some real eagerness to do so. If you feel little or no eagerness to give yourself so totally to this fellow–I mean something more than “well , I suppose that would be OK, I guess”–don’t marry him until you do.

If I had to guess, I would guess you’ve merely rushed yourself. “Marry in haste, repent in leisure.” Lots of leisure. You owe this fellow of yours more enthusiasm for his embrace, and you owe that to yourself, too. Jump altogether, or hold off on jumping.
 
Do remember, though, OP, that if you wait until marriage you have kept your chastity, and you will have that all your life. Virginity for the sake of the kingdom is a very high call, however, and you should not neglect to consider whether or not that is your call, too.
 
Lorelei12 said:
I think it’s normal to have a little apprehension about the wedding night, since you don’t really know what to expect and it’s a new, emotional experience. But I don’t think it’s normal to want to remain a virgin- you should be generally looking forward to your wedding night and not concerned with losing a label. You said you “don’t want to give it away”, and that is a little concerning, in my opinion.

Have you talked to your fiance about this?
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👍

I am in total agreement with this. If you are that concerned, you are not ready for marriage. He might be the right guy for you, but this is definitely NOT the time to be married.

From your post, I am assuming you are under 25. And please do not take this the wrong way, some people at 25 are NOT ready for marriage and the sharing of oneself that comes with it. I honestly believe you need more time

Also, you don’t mention discussing this with your BF. That is a big red flag. If you can not talk about this with him, of course it will make your nervous. Try communicating with him and if you can’t even do that, you are not ready for marriage

Angie
 
Kelly_Anderson said:
5 days ago he proposed to me on my birthday
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This makes me think that what she is feeling isn’t cold feet, but just shock at the impending change. Absolutely I agree that she should consider and discern whether she is on the right path with marriage, but she just got engaged. I think these feelings are absolutely warranted with the newness of the idea. I also agree she should speak to her fiance about this, but again, it’s only been about a week; perhaps she hasn’t had an opportunity.
 
We “save ourselves for marriage” because this is our direction from God. Marital relations are also a direction from God, to cleave and become one flesh. It is hard to convey tone on the internet, so know I mean this kindly, but why do you want to obey God before marriage, and ignore His divine plan for marriage after you take the vows?

Marital relations are a beautiful, lovely part of marriage. God is giving you an amazing gift. I can certainly understand being nervous, I don’t understand not wanting to “give up” your virginity. Maybe you are just nervous about something that has been forbidden for so long, maybe you are not yet ready for marriage, but I would also caution against the sin of pride, in case that might be what is holding you back. Don’t be so proud of virginity that you cannot see or accept what else God may have in store for you.

Congrats, hope you have a long happy passionate marriage.
 
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