I'm not a forgiving person

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Arlene

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Yesterday a chance encounter with a friend’s husband gave me a wake up call that I seriously needed. Something I knew about myself, but didn’t really understand, if that makes sense.

My younger daughter had soccer practise last night. The coach of the team they practice with is a woman I despise. My older daughter had an incident with this woman and had her feelings serously wounded. Since this incident I can hardly look at this woman.

So during practice, I was chatting with my friend’s husband. His son is on the other team practicing with my daughter’s team. My two daughters are each in the same class with two of their sons, so we have lots of school experiences in common. They are not Catholic, but do not belong to the church that sponsors our nondemon Christian school. We have in common that we are not happy with some of the things that go on it in the school, usually originating or in conjunction with the church.

Last spring my younger daughter had an incident with the principal. My husband and I met with the principal, we were both livid. He ended up apologizing to us, and admitting to the school board that he had made a mistake. I have been unble to let it go.
I did not know that this dad had been a witness to the incident with my daughter and had also been furious when it happened. He had wanted to go to the principal himself but his wife talked him out of it and said it was the parent’s battle, not his.

So we were talking about this incident, and I told him that since then I can’t stand the man and think he is a weasel. At least one other mom, whose child does not go to the school, but could possibly attend the church heard me.

A little bit later, when we were alone on the bleachers, he told me that my unforgiving attitude made me sink to the level of the principle, who had at least admitted his mistake. That Christ wants us to forgive each others faults. that the Devil must certainly be pleased that I was holding on to my anger. But he said it in the most loving, Christian manner that I was not offended. I realized that he was absolutely right. It reminded me of a thread here about who is the spiritual head of the family and I posted that my husband was not. It felt good to have this man set me straight and tell me that I was blowing it.

But I realized that all my life I have held grudges and held past transgressions against people. When I was in 3rd grade my best friend in the whole world told me to shut up. So I did not speak to her again until we were in the 6th grade. Funny story, but sad, really.

Sure, I can talk about forgiveness in an intellectual way. But I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to really let something go. Sometimes I act like I’ve let them go, but I know its really just bottled up inside. How do I do this?
 
Well, you have taken the first step by recognizing and acknowledging that you need to change. I can’t say I have the sure-fire answer. But I struggled with this issue in the last 10 years and I strongly encourage everyone to examine their conscience on the issue of forgiveness. I feel I have learned and changed a lot.

Prayer of course is the first step. I believe forgiveness is a conscious choice that we make. Sometimes we tell ourselves “I can never forgive that person for what they did”. But of course we can, if we really want to. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting–as in “Forgive, and forget.” When someone has been intentionally unkind, you can forgive them–meaning you can consciously let go of the anger and accept that they did something unkind. But you would be wise to remember what that person is capable of and avoid allowing that person to do that to you again.

There was an interesting article by Jimmy Akin about forgiveness on Catholic Answers. I tend to believe that forgiving others whether or not they apologize is a healthy way of letting go of my anger, so I do not fully agree with Akin’s arguments. But it is interesting to consider. Here is the link:
catholic.com/thisrock/2003/0309bt.asp

We also need to forgive ourselves for our failings. If we have sinned, we Catholics need to confess our sins and then forgive ourselves as Christ has forgiven us.
 
Recite the Lord Prayer and focus on the phrase:

“Forgive us our sins AS WE FORGIVE OTHERS.”

and pray hard.
 
I know I have never been one to let things go easily. I am horrible when it comes to holding grudges. Every time I fall into that trap and recognize it, I just say a little prayer for the person and tell God I’m sorry for acting that way and ask for the grace to continue changing. It’s a process, but it helps.

Eamon
 
This reminds me of the reading a day or two ago about the unforgiving servant who goes after someone who owes him a little after being forgiven his whole debt.

It is so easy for all of us to forget how much we are forgiven, and how constantly in need of forgiveness we are. I think it is in part our difficulty in admitting this need in ourselves that makes it so difficult for us to forgive others. How weak and prideful we humans can be! :eek:

Maybe what we need is for a priest at confession to ask us if we have forgiven everyone before offering us absolution. Kind of in line with the verse about coming to the altar and leaving your gift until you’ve gone out and reconciled with your brother.

Thank you for your courage in recognizing and admitting this Arlene. You’ve brought me, at least temporarily, to thinking about those whom I need to forgive. :o

Peace,
 
Just yesterday, I was having a conversation about mortification with a priest who said, “It is easier for people who do penance to forgive others, because forgiving requires humility.”
 
In my youth I had some real issues with anger and forgiveness. One of the most profound and helpful things I ever heard on this subject is as follows. “Our anger and lack of forgiveness is self destructive. We are like the person that consumes poison and then hopes that someone else will get sick and die.”

Psychologically anger and unforgiveness are unhealthy. They eat away at us and tend to push happiness out of our psyche. The reasons for this are both natural and spiritual. We are wired for relationships. We are social beings and we are meant to interact with one another in positive ways. Spiritually, we are all to be brothers and sister in Christ Jesus and we are meant to love one another as the Father loves us.

Scripture gives us God’s view on this in no uncertain terms. The second of the two great commandments says that we are “to love our neighbor as oursleves.” Scripture goes on to tells us what it means to follow the first commandment which is to “Love God with our whole heart, mind, soul and strength.” Among the things mentioned are the following:

John 14: 21
They who have my commandments and keep them are those who love me; and those who love me will be loved by my Father, and I will love them and reveal myself to them."

1John 4:20
Those who say, “I love God,” and hate their brothers or sisters, are liars; for those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have seen, cannot love God whom they have not seen.

Col. 3:12-13
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience,
forbearing one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

There are many more verses of scripture that address the issues of anger and forgiveness, but you get the idea. The fact that you are now aware of this issue in your life, is a huge step in the right direction. Your desire to do something about it is another huge step in the right direction. Confession and Eucharistic Adoration can be a tremendous help in overcoming this problem. Pray that the Holy Spirit will strengthen you in this struggle.

Your heart is already in the right place. May the peace of Jesus fill your soul.
 
I can understand what Jimmy Akin meant. There’s also a book by Greg Popcak called, God Help Me, These People Are Driving Me Nuts, Making Peace With Difficult People. It’s a very helpful book. You can buy it at www.exceptionalmarriages.com.

I should know. I had a flaw that not only made forgiveness hard, but I was given to retaliatory behavior, even if it meant sinning. I felt the actions brought against me justified retaliation. I was very, very good at it.

What’s good about the book is the clarification of forgiveness versus reconciliation. You have to fogrive, to let it go, to not wish the person run over by a truck on a dark night.

But then there is reconciliation, and that can happen only if the party that offened you in the first place sets into motion certain conditions that allow you (or your family) safety or some degree of surety that this incident will not happen again.

So, while you can (and should) forgive as an act of will, unless you are up to it, or you are given these assurances by the offender, it’d be in your best interest to be wary of such people.
 
I ask God to help me be more forgiving. On my own I am helpless and unable to forgive.
 
I have had this problem my whole life. I came from an abusive home. As an adult I would think, “I’ve forgiven my parents.” Then something would remind me of an abusive incident and I would get angry all over again. I explained this to my pastor and I asked “How do I know when I have truly forgiven someone?” He said, “Sometimes you have to forgive them again, especially when you have deep wounds. We aren’t perfect and we can’t always forgive perfectly.” He also recommended prayer and meditation.
 
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dhgray:
Recite the Lord Prayer and focus on the phrase:

“Forgive us our sins AS WE FORGIVE OTHERS.”

and pray hard.
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DITTO: I’ve got the same problem…it’s humbling to think that MY ATTITUDE will one day be MY JUDGEMENT… I’m slowly learning to let things go. Keep praying.
 
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yellowlablover:
I have had this problem my whole life. I came from an abusive home. As an adult I would think, “I’ve forgiven my parents.” Then something would remind me of an abusive incident and I would get angry all over again. I explained this to my pastor and I asked “How do I know when I have truly forgiven someone?” He said, “Sometimes you have to forgive them again, especially when you have deep wounds. We aren’t perfect and we can’t always forgive perfectly.” He also recommended prayer and meditation.
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Maybe you can forgive them over and over again. We have never be asked to be able to drop every sin at once, though it would be preferable. But to forgive over and over is a good practice to start.

God bless,
Aaron
 
Did we know each other in 5th grade? Cause I have had friends exactly like you.

And I can say what I would’ve liked, from the other side of the fence. TALK ABOUT IT. Call the person up, express your feelings, and LISTEN to thier side too, don’t do all the talking and get all wrapped up in how you feel. Other people have feelings too.
 
I read the subject of this thread and thought, “Hey, that’s me!” :rolleyes: I tend to be a very unforgiving person, but it’s something I’m trying to work on.

One great thing I learned from a friend of a friend is to say a little prayer whenever you’re most angry at someone. I use it when I get cut off in traffic, when I get into heated discussions and whenever I’m feeling less than charitable.

The prayer is just, “Bless them, Jesus!” It doesn’t even have to be filled with heartfelt meaning. Just saying it a few times tends to calm me down and make me remember the times I might have needed that prayer to be said for me. And I find the more that I say it, the more that I mean it. But this might not work for everyone. I don’t know.
 
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yellowlablover:
I have had this problem my whole life. I came from an abusive home. As an adult I would think, “I’ve forgiven my parents.” Then something would remind me of an abusive incident and I would get angry all over again. I explained this to my pastor and I asked “How do I know when I have truly forgiven someone?” He said, “Sometimes you have to forgive them again, especially when you have deep wounds. We aren’t perfect and we can’t always forgive perfectly.” He also recommended prayer and meditation.
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. . . seventy times seven – it doesn’t mean for seventy times seven offenses but every time you recall the offense and are offended by it. It may mean making an act of forgiveness dozens of times a day every day of your life. (He didn’t say it would be easy.)
 
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Arlene:
Sometimes I act like I’ve let them go, but I know its really just bottled up inside. How do I do this?
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Forgiveness has nothing to do with “not feeling angry anymore.” Forgiveness is an act of will, not an emotion. So “acting like you’ve let it go” really is forgiveness, provided that the acting follows all the way through to not demanding reparations for the “transgression.”

For example, if someone were to insult you, you forgive them by not insulting them back and not telling everyone what a rude and insensitive person the insulter is. You don’t have to be happy about it. You don’t have to “feel ok” with it. You can even legitmately avoid the other person’s company if you feel they’re likely to do it again! You just can’t punish them–forgiveness is the act of willingly giving up your “right of vengence”.

Again, it’s about your actions, not your feelings.

I hope this is helpful.
 
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Timidity:
Forgiveness has nothing to do with “not feeling angry anymore.” Forgiveness is an act of will, not an emotion. So “acting like you’ve let it go” really is forgiveness, provided that the acting follows all the way through to not demanding reparations for the “transgression.”

For example, if someone were to insult you, you forgive them by not insulting them back and not telling everyone what a rude and insensitive person the insulter is. You don’t have to be happy about it. You don’t have to “feel ok” with it. You can even legitmately avoid the other person’s company if you feel they’re likely to do it again! You just can’t punish them–forgiveness is the act of willingly giving up your “right of vengence”.

Again, it’s about your actions, not your feelings.

I hope this is helpful.
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This is EXACTLY how I feel about the subject. Especially the part about not telling everyone about how awful the insulter is. That is my problem. If someone hurts me, I tend to go on and on about it to friends and my husband. Then, my husband gets angry at the person—I may forgive in time, but my husband holds grudges longer. In this way, I lead dh into sin!!!
The first step, is to STOP TALKING about the slights against you. Offer your pain to God for the transgressor’s intentions–easier said than done, I know.
I also agree that forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It would be abusive to yourself to keep setting yourself up to be hurt by the same people over and over. However, in keeping your distance, continue to pray for them. If you think angry thoughts, offer those up too!! You will find peace, I assure you. I’ve been practicing this way of living for about a year now, and I am much happier.
 
Good stuff…I like that folks pass on words of wisdom from their priests.

I would say 90% of the things people do to make us angry we have done ourselves. The only difference is we had good reasons (tired, distracted, seemed like a good idea at the time, etc.) but they cold-bloodedly plannedTHEIR act and knew precisely the hurt it would cause us.

Since I’m pretty much a serial idiot, it’s easier for me to forgive and let go when I think about all the things I don’t know about them, and all the times I’ve done the same.

Hardest though with those closest…
 
I would say 90% of the things people do to make us angry we have done ourselves.
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Oh, how true! I have always been a VERY judgemental person. I have been working for the past year or so on the whole forgiveness thing because of understanding that our receiving forgiveness in the measure with which we dispense it.
I have found that to hold a mirror to my own life and actions is to find forgiveness much easier. What makes me angry at others is usually something of which I myself have been guilty in the past.
Puts everything in perspective.
As to the OP’s forgiveness dilemma, I can empathsize. When it’s your children, the old “she-bear” protectiveness kicks in and all logical thought flees.
 
One thing that helps me forgive someone who has offended me: I absolutely refuse to allow that person’s sinful action to have power over me, especially the power to make me a bitter, unforgiving person. Worse yet, if I’m bitter and unforgiving, I might pass those traits onto someone else, like my children.

I also stop to think about the worst thing I ever did in my life. How would I like to be judged solely on that? Surely people who have offended me have their good points. It’s unfair to look only at the negative.

And then, there’s the Lord’s Prayer: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
 
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