I'm not a forgiving person

[Jay74]

My tip is to remember that your behavior matters more than your feelings. Knowing you still have a grudge is a good start. Even if you still feel resentment, be kind and charitable to those who have apologized. You may find that your behaving as though you’ve forgiven changes your feelings, but even if it doesn’t it is your behavior that matters.

I’ll make a confession. I have a nieghbor who kind of annoys me, and who I don’t really like being around-- and I don’t know why I feel this way. However, this neighbor is a very nice man, he is always doing nice things for us and for the neighborhood. My only negative feelings towards him are due to a personality difference. But, I disregard those feelings, and treat him like the blessing that he is, because that is what he deserves. That’s a little different than your situation, but my point is that behavior, not feelings, are more important.

 

[yellowlablover]

Timidity:

Forgiveness has nothing to do with “not feeling angry anymore.” Forgiveness is an act of will, not an emotion. So “acting like you’ve let it go” really is forgiveness, provided that the acting follows all the way through to not demanding reparations for the “transgression.”

For example, if someone were to insult you, you forgive them by not insulting them back and not telling everyone what a rude and insensitive person the insulter is. You don’t have to be happy about it. You don’t have to “feel ok” with it. You can even legitmately avoid the other person’s company if you feel they’re likely to do it again! You just can’t punish them–forgiveness is the act of willingly giving up your “right of vengence”.

Again, it’s about your actions, not your feelings.

I hope this is helpful.

I understand what you are saying, however, I have to disagree that feelings have **nothing ** to do with forgiveness. Anger tends to consume oneself. I am not saying that we don’t have the right to be angry when we have been hurt, but I think one of the things that concerned me was letting go of that anger. (at least to some extent) If we don’t work past the anger we end up wallowing in it. That’s why I approached my pastor. I didn’t know if I was allowing myself to wallow in anger because I hadn’t truly forgiven my parents or if what I was going through was to be expected even if I had forgiven them. I hope that explains where I was coming from a little bit better.