I'm not catholic but I'm dating one. I need some advice

[Leegal]

Well honestly I think there are plenty of other factors at play here. I’m not about to attempt to quantify it all. And not to get into it but I know plenty of Jewish and Christian (Catholic and all) marriages that didn’t make it. And sin has been around for ever right?

I’m sure there are marriages on this board that had premarital sex and they are happy as ever and will be and will have a great life. I know that isn’t an argument

Of the ones that I read, of those who both married and waited and those who did not – it seems to me that the ones who waited were happy they waited and felt it brought something special to the marriage in that each was the “first.” For others, many have admitted to being sorry not to have waited.

It would seem that since your girlfriend is a very devout Catholic, this may not even be up for discussion – sex before marriage would be prohibited for a Catholic.

That’s why I think you need to understand the Catholic faith better before knowing whether or not you want to (or should) continue to see this woman – and she you. You said you “only started dating” and you “have no problem waiting.”

Why not just go to Mass with her? If you are not comfortable with this, then you have the answer as to whether or not you should continue dating this woman. Even if you did not convert, it’s only going to be helpful to understand what she believes and why.

 

[faithfully]

Men can go down on their wife even after they finish right?
Not to be crude but a passionate kiss on the lips and subsequent finishing off of the wife with the same lips can cause pregnancy (considering the man finished orally). I mean it really is completely possible. I know it’s a stretch but has anyone brought this up to the church?

I have NO IDEA if this has been discussed with the church.

What I do know, you just have to finish vaginally (you’re not supposed to finish orally. Obviously, accidents happen. But they shouldn’t happen over and over again.) So, learn thyself some control, and get to the finish line pronto… My understanding is you can do just about anything else, as long as you both are ok with it. No one feels degraded, etc.

I have not read it, but there’s a book sold on this site called The Good News about Marriage and Sex. Many seem to like it. Sounds like it would answer a lot of your questions.

Oh, BTW… women ARE ALLOWED to take hormones. Chances are you wife will need them in her later years. But we’re not to take hormones with the purpose of controlling our cycle IN ORDER to prevent PG. You will learn that many women take them for medical reasons. And you will also learn they are hottly debated. In the end, ALWAYS go to an authority. Which I AM NOT! You can often google the topic your are interested in and The Holy See, or the Vatican, and come up with writings that are in fact authoritative. You probably won’t see DETAILED sexual acts written on. You’re going to have to use a degree of judgement.

Further, you will meet plenty of Catholics doing things they aren’t supposed to do. You will find either they don’t know something, or they have chosen to ignore. So, don’t base all of your information on the observation of others.

 

[PaperPlate]

When it comes to these accidents. Once the accident happens isn’t that a sign that one shouldn’t do the act again even just as foreplay? It’s like putting yourself into a position of temptation to sin and isn’t that sin itself?
Do many women feel completely and utterly sickened by these accidents and it makes them feel gross and dirty? I mean cause I imagine that could ripple through even after the intimate moments are over? Wow what a question with differing answers. I suppose that is rhetorical. I’m just sharing some things I’m concerned with.
Do priests talk to non Catholics?

 

[PaperPlate]

Of the ones that I read, of those who both married and waited and those who did not – it seems to me that the ones who waited were happy they waited and felt it brought something special to the marriage in that each was the “first.” For others, many have admitted to being sorry not to have waited.

It would seem that since your girlfriend is a very devout Catholic, this may not even be up for discussion – sex before marriage would be prohibited for a Catholic.

That’s why I think you need to understand the Catholic faith better before knowing whether or not you want to (or should) continue to see this woman – and she you. You said you “only started dating” and you “have no problem waiting.”

Why not just go to Mass with her? If you are not comfortable with this, then you have the answer as to whether or not you should continue dating this woman. Even if you did not convert, it’s only going to be helpful to understand what she believes and why.

Ya I completely agree. I’m not looking to have sex with her before marriage.

My reasons for being here are to initially expose myself to the opinions of practicing Catholics in reference to my concerns. I had/have all intention of somehow getting to mass. I already really enjoy listening to her talk about her faith and her growth/experience with her faith over her life. It’s just about everything she talks about. I wouldn’t spend any time at all with her if I didn’t find her so engaging and wonderful. My thoughts of sex come up later when I’m home. And no I’m not undressing her with my eyes. I’m thinking to myself: “You have heard of what Catholics think about sex in marriage. Is this something you can commit to?” And so far the answer is obviously: potentially yes! This is just the first step I’m taking in educating myself.

 

[faithfully]

When it comes to these accidents. Once the accident happens isn’t that a sign that one shouldn’t do the act again even just as foreplay? It’s like putting yourself into a position of temptation to sin and isn’t that sin itself?
Do many women feel completely and utterly sickened by these accidents and it makes them feel gross and dirty? I mean cause I imagine that could ripple through even after the intimate moments are over? Wow what a question with differing answers. I suppose that is rhetorical. I’m just sharing some things I’m concerned with.
Do priests talk to non Catholics?

As you become sexually experienced you will know if you can control your body enough NOT to have an accident. If you can’t, then don’t risk it.

I wouldn’t worry about how ALL women feel about certain sexual acts. I’d only worry about the one you plan on marrying.

IMO, you should be able to talk to your WIFE about sex. And prior to that a fiancee. I think the main thing for now, is that you understand that being Catholic or married to a Catholic does not equal a pathetic sex life.

Yes, a priest would talk with you.

 

[PaperPlate]

As you become sexually experienced you will know if you can control your body enough NOT to have an accident. If you can’t, then don’t risk it.

So once that accident happens for some men, then you don’t do it again because you have realized you can’t control it. Doing it even as foreplay would be sinful because it happened once and proved it can happen again.

IMO, you should be able to talk to your WIFE about sex. And prior to that a fiancee. I think the main thing for now, is that you understand that being Catholic or married to a Catholic does not equal a pathetic sex life.

Yes, a priest would talk with you.

So is it generally accepted not to talk about sex until you are enganged? Again, I don’t plan on talking to her about sex. I mean I’m not even thinking of that. I’m just talking to random people about it. And soon a priest about that my other concerns.

This isn’t my only concern and in fact is the least of my concerns when it comes to me being a man of God. My biggest concern is with the general consensus in terms of the role God plays in peoples life. But that is another thread.

Oh and I don’t think Catholics have pathetic sex lives at all. I mean it sounds like all of you enjoy it very much. I imagine there are some Catholic men /women that want to express themselves in other ways but that I don’t think that means it isn’t completely enjoyable/special/passionate/unforgettable etc.

I really thank everyone for the comments and understanding.

 

[faithfully]

So once that accident happens for some men, then you don’t do it again because you have realized you can’t control it. Doing it even as foreplay would be sinful because it happened once and proved it can happen again.

I think perhaps a man needs to answer this for you. You are talking in extremes. Men new at sex have a hard time controling their “release”. Experience tells them, generally, when they are about to release, or how to slow down enough to hold off. This all falls under skills, IMO. So, if you’re saying you ARE NOT the type of guy to get skilled at something you practice, then yes, your first accident is adequate proof you won’t be able to control yourself later. You’re going to have to make a judgement call.

So is it generally accepted not to talk about sex until you are enganged? Again, I don’t plan on talking to her about sex. I mean I’m not even thinking of that. I’m just talking to random people about it. And soon a priest about that my other concerns.

This isn’t my only concern and in fact is the least of my concerns when it comes to me being a man of God. My biggest concern is with the general consensus in terms of the role God plays in peoples life. But that is another thread.

Oh and I don’t think Catholics have pathetic sex lives at all. I mean it sounds like all of you enjoy it very much. I imagine there are some Catholic men /women that want to express themselves in other ways but that I don’t think that means it isn’t completely enjoyable/special/passionate/unforgettable etc.

I really thank everyone for the comments and understanding.

I’m not sure there is a generally accepted time frame for talking about sex. I think that’s dictated by your personalities and what you are comfortable talking about. I guess my point was, I wouldn’t get engaged to someone I couldn’t talk with. So, at least BY THEN, you should be talking. You, however, just started dating… so I’m quite sure talking graphic sex likes and dislikes with a woman who is a virgin makes you come off extremely creepy. Again, I’d read a book similar to the one I suggested. Because really, everyone here is right. Sex is great and all, but it is NOT the core of your marriage. Get your questions answered, and move on getting to really know this woman. That’s the most important part of all of this.

 

[PaperPlate]

I think perhaps a man needs to answer this for you. You are talking in extremes. Men new at sex have a hard time controling their “release”. Experience tells them, generally, when they are about to release, or how to slow down enough to hold off. This all falls under skills, IMO. So, if you’re saying you ARE NOT the type of guy to get skilled at something you practice, then yes, your first accident is adequate proof you won’t be able to control yourself later. You’re going to have to make a judgement call.

Well see to me that is just learning. Once you know you kinda know. I can see how it’s a fine line. I have had a sexual relationship before. Three of them and it is yet another concern of mine. I’m going to have to tell her and I’m not looking forward to how it will make her feel. First one lasted four years, second lasted one year adn the third lasted two and a half years. All ended amicably, no angry feelings but it was difficult. We just realized we weren’t for each other. I’m friendly with them but haven’t even talked to any of them in years.

How/when would I tell her? Wait until she asks me unless it takes too long? I would want to say I’m sorry in some way. I changed about four years ago and decided to wait until marriage for sex from then on and I ahve done very well! I have had more than several chances to and I haven’t. And I must say it is hard but I’m feeling proud of and can see why it would be special to hold out your whole life… It’s a plus they were long relationships right? I have never had a one night stand and it doesn’t even appeal to me.
It wont be fun for her to hear, depending on how interested she is in me… I don’t want to make her sad at all. Shoulda thought about that earlier!

I’m not sure there is a generally accepted time frame for talking about sex. I think that’s dictated by your personalities and what you are comfortable talking about. I guess my point was, I wouldn’t get engaged to someone I couldn’t talk with. So, at least BY THEN, you should be talking. You, however, just started dating… so I’m quite sure talking graphic sex likes and dislikes with a woman who is a virgin makes you come off extremely creepy. Again, I’d read a book similar to the one I suggested. Because really, everyone here is right. Sex is great and all, but it is NOT the core of your marriage. Get your questions answered, and move on getting to really know this woman. That’s the most important part of all of this.

Just because I talk about sex doesn’t mean I think it’s the core of anything. And just because I talk to strangers doesn’t mean I’m going to bring it up with her. Like I said, I don’t even think about it when I’m with her. I forget about it when I’m with her. Which could possibly be a sign. I’m not a creepy kind of guy. I’m very traditionally romantic, respectful and attentive to the needs of people I’m with. The emotional needs.

The point of this thread was no where near: what can I get out of her.
The point of this thread was: Am I/can I get on board and really accept Catholic practices and be the good Catholic man she deserves and seems to want.

 

[faithfully]

I didn’t gather you were looking to get what you could out of her or that you are creepy. And I actually gathered you were just expressing curiosity on issues that might come up in the future. Truly am not judging your motive.

You’re gonna have to play it by ear. Just like you would with anyone. I get that you think she’s very special, and you don’t want to blow it. But none of us can tell you what the best timing is for any of these discussions.

These discussions will come up naturally. Most important is that you are honest. With her and yourself.

Only you can know if you can get on board with Catholism. Just start studying, start with areas that interest you, and go from there. And perhaps that’s how you get into these conversations with her. “Hey, so I was reading that Catholics don’t use birth control. (and if that is really a problem for you) I’ve got to tell you, I can’t imagine that.” or " What do you think of that? " Or “explain to me your take on this.”

Perhaps a less sexual topic for starters…LOL! I’m sure you’ve got LOTS of areas of Catholism you’re not too sure about just yet. Take it all slow! Be honest.

 

[PaperPlate]

I didn’t gather you were looking to get what you could out of her or that you are creepy. And I actually gathered you were just expressing curiosity on issues that might come up in the future. Truly am not judging your motive.

You’re gonna have to play it by ear. Just like you would with anyone. I get that you think she’s very special, and you don’t want to blow it. But none of us can tell you what the best timing is for any of these discussions.

These discussions will come up naturally. Most important is that you are honest. With her and yourself.

Only you can know if you can get on board with Catholism. Just start studying, start with areas that interest you, and go from there. And perhaps that’s how you get into these conversations with her. “Hey, so I was reading that Catholics don’t use birth control. (and if that is really a problem for you) I’ve got to tell you, I can’t imagine that.” or " What do you think of that? " Or “explain to me your take on this.”

Ok thank you Normally I wouldn’t even really think twice about most of this. It would just come up naturally as you say. But after googling a little bit, I must admit I got some ideas that maybe she would just kind of shut down if I attempted to initiate any type of dissuasion like that.I was getting the impression we may have to be engaged to talk about this stuff. But from what I’ve gathered on this forum and from your posts is that it’s going to flow naturally similar to others. I mean I really didn’t know what to expect with someone this devoted.
And at the least now I’m a bit more prepared to ask her informed questions when/if it does arise.

Perhaps a less sexual topic for starters…LOL! I’m sure you’ve got LOTS of areas of Catholism you’re not too sure about just yet. Take it all slow! Be honest.

Lol I completely agree. And yes, I do have others.
Thank you again. Very helpful.

 

[John21652]

Hello everyone.
I’m new and I am in need of some advice. You’ll see I’m rather lost so anything will help. I really tried hard not to break any rules so I apologize in advance and will remedy it as notified. I don’t really know where else to go.

Be yourself. And make sure that being yourself now includes respecting who and what she is. You said she’s wonderful, so respect everything about her that makes her wonderful. If you can’t do that, if you do not have the strength of character to do that, then walk away.

 

[PaperPlate]

Be yourself. And make sure that being yourself now includes respecting who and what she is. You said she’s wonderful, so respect everything about her that makes her wonderful. If you can’t do that, if you do not have the strength of character to do that, then walk away.

Hi thanks for your response!
I’m proud to say "myself "did include the utmost respect for her and is what led me here. But since being here, I now know more of what is expected of a ‘good’ Catholic man and what I can do to find out more.

 

[Beati_Pacifici]

I have one suggestion: Try talking to her Priest. Why? Because if there is one thing I know, it’s that a Catholic’s Priest is usually one of the biggest reasons a Catholic is so wonderful (with God being the biggest, of course). Your girlfriend would also admire the fact that you are showing deep respect to one of the most important people in her life. He feeds her the Blessed Sacrament on Sundays and guides her in her faith. Truly great indeed.

Good luck!

 

[PaperPlate]

I have one suggestion: Try talking to her Priest. Why? Because if there is one thing I know, it’s that a Catholic’s Priest is usually one of the biggest reasons a Catholic is so wonderful (with God being the biggest, of course). Your girlfriend would also admire the fact that you are showing deep respect to one of the most important people in her life. He feeds her the Blessed Sacrament on Sundays and guides her in her faith. Truly great indeed.

Good luck!

Thank you! That is a great idea. I would call him Father yes? Is it capitalized when referring to a priest?

 

[Beati_Pacifici]

Yes, call him Father. It’s capitalized or when writing it you can use the abbreviation Fr. Be respectful but not intimidated, Priests don’t bite (unless you have a piece of chocolate in your hand). lol. You’ll find that many Priests are quite understanding, warm, and compassionate. After Mass he may seem like he is in a bit of a rush because he has a lot of hands to shake depending on the size of the Mass, but even if you only have the time for a brief conversation after Mass it’s a start. Hope this helps!

 

[Leegal]

Ya I completely agree. I’m not looking to have sex with her before marriage.

My reasons for being here are to initially expose myself to the opinions of practicing Catholics in reference to my concerns. I had/have all intention of somehow getting to mass. I already really enjoy listening to her talk about her faith and her growth/experience with her faith over her life. It’s just about everything she talks about. I wouldn’t spend any time at all with her if I didn’t find her so engaging and wonderful. My thoughts of sex come up later when I’m home. And no I’m not undressing her with my eyes. I’m thinking to myself: “You have heard of what Catholics think about sex in marriage. Is this something you can commit to?” And so far the answer is obviously: potentially yes! This is just the first step I’m taking in educating myself.

Good. I wish you luck and God Bless in your path to discernment.

 

[josephback]

Even if I’m working on it and have the potential to eventually decide this is for me?

If you decide it’s for you that’s different, but until then it’s not a good idea.