I'm not open to life anymore

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Anders

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My wife and I are practicing Catholics and in a couple months we will have our third baby in as many years. We used NFP, but the abstinence part of it has always been tough on me, therefore we have three kids under the age of three and we have been married for four years. I am extremely, extremely reluctant to have more than three kids in my life, and I basically freaked out when I learned my wife was pregnant with our third. I have been thinking about our future sex life lately and need a “Catholic answer.” As Catholics we are required to be open to life every single time we make love. If I am consciously and willingly and purposefully NOT open to life during sex, does that mean that my wife and I cannot make love until I change my mind? I haven’t talked to my wife about this, but my gut instinct is that she will not agree to make love to me until I am open to life. That may not happen for years. Maybe I’m judging her too harshly, but her staunch and uncompromising practice of Catholicism makes me worry that that is her stance.
 
Anders said:
As Catholics we are required to be open to life every single time we make love.
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This is not true. The church teaches that each act must be ordered toward procreation, which simply means the act must look like baby making sex. You do not have to be “open to life” each and every act. The church teaches couples are called to pudent parenthood, and are allowed to space children according to thier circumstances…and while avoiding children, it is perfectly fine to engage in the marital act without desire for more children.

The whole “open to life” bit only serves to muddy the water.
 
Anders said:
Maybe I’m judging her too harshly, but her staunch and uncompromising practice of Catholicism makes me worry that that is her stance.
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So, if I’m reading this correctly, you’re worried and troubled by the fact that she has enough faith in God to put her trust in Him and his methods instead of the misguided practices of man…

And I reading that correctly everyone?

To answer your question, you have to be willing to accept a life which is born of your marital act; but you do not have to go into each sexual act thinking “I hope we bear a child from this.” For instance, my wife and I cannot afford a child right now, so we hope not to conceive; if my wife were to get pregnant, however, we would welcome the child as a gift, a very expensive gift 😛
 
“open to life” is what you communicate with the act, not your mental state (confusing I know!) As long as the act itself is open to life (not contraceptive) please don’t worry about this. As long as you would accept a child if NFP “failed” (i.e., not kill him/her), you’re fine. Once you are out of “baby land” and some of the children are older and able to help out, you may very well change your mind about not wanting more. Until then, continue using NFP, and don’t stress. Pray to God to guide you where he wants you to be. That’s the wonderful thing about NFP – you never have to say “never again”, just “not now”.
 
ProdglArchitect said:
So, if I’m reading this correctly, you’re worried and troubled by the fact that she has enough faith in God to put her trust in Him and his methods instead of the misguided practices of man…

And I reading that correctly everyone?

To answer your question, you have to be willing to accept a life which is born of your marital act; but you do not have to go into each sexual act thinking “I hope we bear a child from this.” For instance, my wife and I cannot afford a child right now, so we hope not to conceive; if my wife were to get pregnant, however, we would welcome the child as a gift, a very expensive gift 😛
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That’s a good analogy =D I like to think of it as, “Every time we go to my friend’s place for lunch, he offers to send us home with an awesome, expensive gift he prepared for us. But this gift also happens to weigh 300 pounds, and we have to carry it home if we accept it. Since it’s such an awesome gift, we’ll strive to accept it whenever we can, but sometimes we just don’t have the energy or resources to carry 300 pounds all the way home, so we have to decline. But if we got locked out of his house with one of those gifts, and the only option was to take it home or burn it on the spot, well we’d be happy we get to take another one home.”
 
:)I believe that if God did want you to have another child, it would happen. And since it is a gift from God, God will lead you along the entire way while raising the child.
 
You need to learn to not let sex control you. If your issue is not being able to abstain for a time then you must learn to overcome the temptation. Sure, if you fail, there’s no sin in having sex with your wife (unless you decide to start using contraceptives), but the whole point is for you to gain control over your body rather than letting it control you. Self-mastery is something we should all be called to do. Unfortunately, it’s not all that easy.
 
Mangaartist said:
“open to life” is what you communicate with the act, not your mental state (confusing I know!) As long as the act itself is open to life (not contraceptive) please don’t worry about this. As long as you would accept a child if NFP “failed” (i.e., not kill him/her), you’re fine. Once you are out of “baby land” and some of the children are older and able to help out, you may very well change your mind about not wanting more. Until then, continue using NFP, and don’t stress. Pray to God to guide you where he wants you to be. That’s the wonderful thing about NFP – you never have to say “never again”, just “not now”.
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This is an excellent answer. 👍
 
ProdglArchitect said:
To answer your question, you have to be willing to accept a life which is born of your marital act; but you do not have to go into each sexual act thinking “I hope we bear a child from this.” For instance, my wife and I cannot afford a child right now, so we hope not to conceive; if my wife were to get pregnant, however, we would welcome the child as a gift, a very expensive gift 😛
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I very much DON’T want to have a child, right now. I have too many health issues to consider, to say nothing of the fact that I am closer to 50 than 40. And the medication I am on, well, I won’t even go there.

I can say that when my husband and I enjoy marital relations, we are BOTH very interested in NOT getting pregnant. Of course this makes NFP, mandatory, rather than something we kind of follow. 🤷

In other words, no Catholic is required to have a certain number of children, nor are they required to have as many children as possible.
 
maryjk said:
I very much DON’T want to have a child, right now. I have too many health issues to consider, to say nothing of the fact that I am closer to 50 than 40. And the medication I am on, well, I won’t even go there.

I can say that when my husband and I enjoy marital relations, we are BOTH very interested in NOT getting pregnant. Of course this makes NFP, mandatory, rather than something we kind of follow. 🤷

In other words, no Catholic is required to have a certain number of children, nor are they required to have as many children as possible.
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Nor are they required to want more children at all times.
 
Anders,

I think that we need to understand that Church’s teaching on chastity in terms of the whole teaching. It’s not just a matter of legalistically trying to perform the right kind of acts, it’s a matter of trying to become a particular kind of person. Chastity involves reconciling ourselves to the meaning of sexuality in order that we can live the Church’s teaching authentically, out of love for Christ, rather than simply jumping through hoops in order to try to save ourselves through the practice of the Law. This is a process, which “follows laws of growth” as the Catechism puts it. A lot of spiritual damage can be done if you concentrate on the outer forms of chastity rather than seeking to cultivate the interior virtue.
A wise man of my acquaintance said “It’s important to distinguish between those who are in dissent, and those who struggle.” It sounds to me like where you’re at now is struggling with the teaching. That’s okay – Jacob wrestled with God and was considered righteous for it. It’s in the process of that wrestling that spiritual progress gets made. The key is to do it honestly. Go to God, to your wife, to your confessor, and lay things out as well as you’re able to. The fears and anxieties that you’re feeling about this pregnancy are okay, so are the fears that you have of future pregnancies. The important thing is to try to deal with those fears, to figure out what’s motivating them, and to be patient with yourself and with your wife while you’re working through all of that. I totally understand that where you’re at right now the possibilities seem terrible and alarming – like your wife refusing to make love to you for years. It almost certainly won’t be that bad 🙂
Feel free to private message me if you want to talk more.

God bless,

Melinda
 
maryjk said:
I very much DON’T want to have a child, right now. I have too many health issues to consider, to say nothing of the fact that I am closer to 50 than 40. And the medication I am on, well, I won’t even go there.

I can say that when my husband and I enjoy marital relations, we are BOTH very interested in NOT getting pregnant. Of course this makes NFP, mandatory, rather than something we kind of follow. 🤷

In other words, no Catholic is required to have a certain number of children, nor are they required to have as many children as possible.
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Erm… that’s basically what I said with my post. I’m sorry if you took the opposite meaning form it, though I don’t really see how…
 
We are in a similar situation right now, where my husband has some severe mental health issues that would become significantly worse if we were to have more children (we had 4 within 4 years). While we are able to abstain currently following NFP, the restrictiveness of my cycles (long fertile times) are causing my husband more issues. (Darned if you do, darned if you don’t). He needs that intimacy and closeness to feel “normal”, and after all, it is part of any healthy marriage, however, we cannot risk any more children at this time. I am also looking for info on what else we can do.
 
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