I'm not perfect

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Epistemes

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Dear friends,

I’m not perfect.

While this may not sound surprising to many of you, it’s very difficult for someone like me, a perfectionist, to admit. Like everyone else, I am a horrible, horrible sinner who doesn’t completely understand the weight and offense of my crimes even though I try my best to express true contrition in order to seek actual forgiveness. The truth is, though, that there are so many things for which I don’t know that I should be sorry for building up behind this dam of pride and self-centeredness that I sometimes feel like Blind Bartimaeus.

I’m writing this to ask your forgiveness. I hope that you will forgive me for all the hurtful things that I’ve said in the past, all the times I’ve argued and acted arrogantly, and any time that I may have said something which directly or indirectly hurt your own personal feelings.

The spiritual life is a constant struggle for me because of my personality, my psychic make-up, my sins, and my lifestyle. While none of this excuses me or my actions, it should hopefully explain, at least partially, why and how sin leads to despair which leads to rebelliousness, rejecting God, and full-blown uncharitableness. Some of you may think that I often have wise, insightful things to say, and perhaps I have said a word or two which have helped other individuals in their own spiritual struggles, but it seems that in my own attempt to be holy I can sometimes pull a complete 180 degree turn and be one of the most downright scandalous Catholics present on this forum. And for that, I’m sorry.

All of you are my brothers and sisters, and I appreciate all the prayers which my acts of ingratitude and disservice have afforded me. You have no idea how many prayers I actually need!

So, thank you, and I hope you will accept this apology.

Your brother in Jesus and Mary,
Epistemes
 
:hug1: Glad to see you Ep! :hug1: 😃

As somewhat of a perfectionist myself, I understand that admitting one’s faults can be difficult. I myself have (thanks to the Holy Spirit I’m sure, b/c it’s not my own doing!) have been realizing that I need to work on being more humble. :o

I truly believe that you have been dealing with some serious tempting and spiritual warfare, and my guess is that it’s been taking place since you decided to do the total consecration to Mary.

Just try to remember that when you fall, you need to get back up and try again. I know after sinning in particular ways I’ve felt like “what’s the point in trying to avoid [fill in sin], I’ll just sin again…”. But we must try again – and our model for this can be Jesus. He fell while carrying the cross, but he got up again and kept going. He knows how hard it is for us to try again, how hard it is for us to admit our sins, how alone we sometimes feel. But he’s always there with us, and when we confess and get back up and try again (fortified with his grace after confession) I’m sure it makes him happy.
Epistemes said:
You have no idea how many prayers I actually need!
Click to expand...
Sure I do, because I need just as many – we all do.

Glad you’re back. :hug1: 🙂
 
:hug1: I struggled with perfectionism several years ago and sometimes I still do. It’s tough sometimes, when our personalities seem to stand in the way of where we want to go spiritually. I definitely have aspects of my personality that do this. In addition to perfectionism, I’ve also struggled with OCD and other things. But I really think that we just need to try OUR imperfect best, whatever it happens to be. It’s still possible to become a saint, whatever our personalities are. And the harder it is, the more of a cross it is to carry, the stronger we’ll become in the end. We just need to persevere and not give up 🙂 God understands that we’ve come into this journey with certain habits, personality traits, flaws, sins, whatever…He is patient with us and so we can be patient with ourselves too. As we grow in self knowledge, we also grow in humility and God draws us closer and closer to Himself; even if we feel like the most messed up people on earth. 😉 He does love us despite the imperfection.

we need to allow God to love us in our brokeness.

and perhaps it helps sometimes to look at all the things that ARE good. 🙂 see brother, you know God…you’re a Catholic… you have the Sacraments… you’re consecrated to Mary! you have your own personal Angel who is your friend 😉 haha… that is all very special and you are very blessed. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t repay God for everything He’s given; none of us can. Just offer Him your heart and soul as it is and He will accept and transform it, over time.

I’m glad that you’re back too :hug1:
all the things you listed, I’ve done too.

I think it’s really brave that you made this thread brother.

God bless you.
 
You say you feel like Blind Bartimaeus? Here is the lesson my priest gives on the story of Bartimaeus:
  1. Bartimaeus called out to Jesus, when others told him to be silent he cried out all the louder
  2. He cast off his cloak (to a blind man his cloak was the protect from the world) and went to Jesus when Jesus called him
  3. Jesus asked what Bartimaeus wanted, the smart-a** response would have been ‘I’m blind dummy’ but instead he stated his need to Jesus ‘Lord, let me see again.’
  4. Bartimaeus was healed without any touch from Jesus instead ‘your faith has healed you’
You have done the first step - called out to Jesus.
Now cast off your protection and trust in the Lord. Look to Him for your forgiveness. I recommend you accept the peace of confession by going to Reconciliation. Give a name to your sins and speak with a priest or spiritual director about your explanations - perhaps these explanations can be corrected so that you may have a fuller life without this despair. Don’t just assume ‘that’s how/who I am’, look to the Lord to guide you on who you are.

(This comes from my own learning in struggles. I can relate to what you say here.)
 
Epistemes said:
Dear friends,

I’m not perfect.

While this may not sound surprising to many of you, it’s very difficult for someone like me, a perfectionist, to admit. Like everyone else, I am a horrible, horrible sinner who doesn’t completely understand the weight and offense of my crimes even though I try my best to express true contrition in order to seek actual forgiveness. The truth is, though, that there are so many things for which I don’t know that I should be sorry for building up behind this dam of pride and self-centeredness that I sometimes feel like Blind Bartimaeus.

I’m writing this to ask your forgiveness. I hope that you will forgive me for all the hurtful things that I’ve said in the past, all the times I’ve argued and acted arrogantly, and any time that I may have said something which directly or indirectly hurt your own personal feelings.

The spiritual life is a constant struggle for me because of my personality, my psychic make-up, my sins, and my lifestyle. While none of this excuses me or my actions, it should hopefully explain, at least partially, why and how sin leads to despair which leads to rebelliousness, rejecting God, and full-blown uncharitableness. Some of you may think that I often have wise, insightful things to say, and perhaps I have said a word or two which have helped other individuals in their own spiritual struggles, but it seems that in my own attempt to be holy I can sometimes pull a complete 180 degree turn and be one of the most downright scandalous Catholics present on this forum. And for that, I’m sorry.

All of you are my brothers and sisters, and I appreciate all the prayers which my acts of ingratitude and disservice have afforded me. You have no idea how many prayers I actually need!

So, thank you, and I hope you will accept this apology.

Your brother in Jesus and Mary,
Epistemes
Click to expand...
You have taken a big step towards holiness. Look at the lives of the saints and how they often struggled with pride.

After reading your post, I realized that I could have written it, as well. Many times before going to confession and performing an examination of conscience, I discount the gravity of so many of my sins. Sometimes, I don’t think I need to be forgiven because my sins are all “explainable” and somehow mitigated in the grand scheme.

Pride is such an ugly sin because it prevents us from seeing ourselves as God sees us.

You have given me a great start to my preparation to go to reconciliation this week.

Thank you for your contrition, humility and wisdom…
 
I guess I haven’t been around the forum enough to have gotten to know you but I heard you needed prayer and so I’ll continue. 😃

Always good to admit one’s faults. We should worry when we don’t despite knowing we’re wrong.

God bless you.
 
“Ep” Glad to see you again, bro. :hug1:

There isn’t a single one of us… who doesn’t struggle with sin. It’s part of the human condition. And the very thing that Our dear Lord, Jesus… took upon Himself. He did the really hard work, for us. All He wants now from us, is what you have been talking about. A repentant heart and a continuous effort toward holiness. That is the description of a saint.

I humbly ask you to keep me and my family in your prayers, “Ep”. Just as you remain in mine.

God bless you.
MV 🙂
 
Epistemes said:
. . .

All of you are my brothers and sisters, and I appreciate all the prayers which my acts of ingratitude and disservice have afforded me. You have no idea how many prayers I actually need!. . .
Click to expand...
May we all be delightedly surprised at the end of our lives at the many prayers that helped us find our way Home. 🙂

You may like this abbreviated version of Richard Crashaw’s (d. 1649) poem in honor of St. Teresa of Jesus:

The Flaming Heart

Oh thou undaunted daughter of desires!
By all thy dower of lights and fires;
By all the eagle in thee, all the dove;
By all thy lives and deaths of love;
By thy large draughts of intellectual day,
And by thy thirsts of love more large than they;
By all thy brim-filled bowls of fierce desire,
And by thy last morning’s draughts of liquid fire;
By the full kingdom of that final kiss
That seized thy parting soul, and sealed thee His;
By all the heavens thou hast in Him
(Fair sister of the Seraphim);
By all of Him we have in Thee;
Leave nothing of my Self in me.
Let me so read thy life, that I
Unto all life of mine may die.
 
I once walked into the confessional and the Priest said:“Welcome to the human race”.
I was thinking its more like a rat race. :D:p

Somehow, I’ve never thought of you as arrogant, but then I doubt if we ever really see our
selves as others do.

In any case, we all need one another and many, many prayers, so pray for us and we’ll pray for you and hopefully someday we’ll all see the effects of our prayers for one another.
 
I’m reminded of the Exulted that is sung at the Easter Vigil. There is one line in it that is a great consolation to us. It speaks of the sin of Adam. “Oh holy fault of Adam.”

Sin pulls us away from God. But at the same time, those who come back to him after each fall find a refreshing welcome home. Imagine running away from home and coming back thinking that your parents are going to be very upset and maybe punish you severely. Now imagine the surprise when they greet you with a party and a gift. This is the story of the Prodigal Son.

There is no joy in sinning. But there should be a great joy in the homecoming.

Fraternally,

Br. JR, OSF 🙂
 
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