I'm not sure if I like my friend anymore

[PelagiathePenit]

It may sound terrible, but I do not think I like one of my friends as much now that we are roommates. I do not regret certain mean things I have done behind her back. I now I should, but I feel slightly justified. I feel bad because they were wrong, but I do not feel like I betrayed a friend though. I hold in a lot of things she does that annoys me. I often overlook her faults. She used to not wash her dishes for days, so I would wash them for her/both of our dirty dishes. I used to walk her dog for her because she worked. I used to take out the trash. When I confronted her about the dishes, it became “well you never get me the opportunity to wash them.” I remember coming home from school late at night, she was home all-day - the sink was filled with dirty dishes. I remember also telling her, that my ideal family was husband and children. This turned into, how close-minded I was, that a family does not need to have a husband. Her attempts to “educate” me are annoying or telling me I’m ignorant, close-minded/narrow-minded, sexist are borderline annoying. I was talking about something how we are all sinners. She was like how dare you subscribe me to your religious beliefs. I thought I was being inclusive to say that. Sorry. It seems like she is the type if you tell her anything, somehow it will turn into your fault or how much she has put up with you. I always end up apologizing her. She acts like I’m always the annoying one. She freely tells me when I do things that cross her or irritate her, but if the tables were to turn, it would become an argument. As friends, I do not feel like she respects me or what I have to say. When I told her, I felt like she was talking down to me, she responded by me telling I was being too sensitive. Maybe I just need a break, because I spend too much time with her. I do not think it is right, that I am in a friendship, that any complaint against her, it somehow becomes my fault (I misinterpreted, I started it, blah blah). In general, It is not that I do not like her, she is a nice person overall. It can get draining. If anything goes wrong, it was me. A few other girls saw that quality in her, so they distanced themselves. I see where they are coming from now. Sadly, a few other girls hated her and yelled at her solely because they did not like the way she treated me. Those girls did not even like me either, to me that says something.

What should I do?

 

[Falco]

People come and go from your life all the time. Some help you, some hinder you. Some teach you something. Some help you grow. This one has taught you that you have outgrown your friend. Look at whether this is a true friend, or just someone you know.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

You should never do things behind people’s backs. If you have an issue with them, confront them about it.

As for the overall situation, I also lived with a friend for a while, and we almost wound up killing each other. (Okay, not literally, but it was bad) A good friendship does not mean that you will be able to live with one another, and in a situation like the one you’ve described your best bet is to move into separate domiciles. My sister also moved in with her friend and… let’s just call it unpleasant. Once the friend moved out they went back to being pretty good friends.

 

[Joe_5859]

What should I do?

Honestly, I would counsel finding another roommate.

Sadly, sometimes the quickest way to lose a friend is to actually live with them. I’ve seen it happen many times.

From what you have described, you probably need to stand up for yourself more. I understand where you are coming from. I’m a generally timid, non-confrontational type of person whose first impulse in a tense conversation is to say “I’m sorry” over and over again. And I had my share of roommates whose sense of hygiene, personal space, and shared responsibilities differed from my own. But if you don’t stand up for yourself, nothing will change.

So you can continue on as you have: feeling resentful and being passive aggressive. Or else you can take a stand and tell her how you feel. If you go the former route, I don’t see how you could maintain your sanity for very long. If you go the latter route, then things will either get better or worse. If they get better, then it will have been a success. If it gets worse, then you’ll know you need to find different living arrangements.

Pray for fortitude!

 

[AKDee]

Roommate situations can be tough. I had one good one, and a bunch of bad ones. The good one was opposite sex, though, and he ended up developing a crush on me (which I did not return) and so that ruined that.

While living with this person, when they annoy you, you might say “this person is helping to sanctify me” and offer it up to the Lord or for the Holy Souls in Purgatory.

But in the end, I think you need a new roommate. I don’t think a roommate necessarily has to share your religious beliefs but they do need to help out around the house and each person has to respect the other’s right to believe what they want. In this case, your belief systems diverge so much that it doesn’t sound like either of you respects the other one.

 

[PelagiathePenit]

Roommate situations can be tough. I had one good one, and a bunch of bad ones. The good one was opposite sex, though, and he ended up developing a crush on me (which I did not return) and so that ruined that.

While living with this person, when they annoy you, you might say “this person is helping to sanctify me” and offer it up to the Lord or for the Holy Souls in Purgatory.

But in the end, I think you need a new roommate. I don’t think a roommate necessarily has to share your religious beliefs but they do need to help out around the house and each person has to respect the other’s right to believe what they want. In this case, your belief systems diverge so much that it doesn’t sound like either of you respects the other one.

The comments I made about my ideal marriage, I did not intend to slam alternative living arrangements. I was just telling what I wanted for my future. I didn’t think it needed to be followed by a lecture on how narrow-minded/close-minded I am. I can’t remember what prompted me to say we are all sinners thing, she was asking me about something about a Church so I replied that. I did not mean to call her personally her a sinner.
Honestly, she is an excellent person overall, but what annoys me is when I tell her something she did “wrong” or I do not like, she dismisses me. She tries to prove how what I did was worse or it becomes my fault or how much she puts up with me. It feels imbalanced. Anything I have against her is not valid, but any time she confronts me about hurting her feelings, chores, or whatever, it is important. Her attitude comes off as, if anything goes wrong it is my fault and I should immediately owe it and apologize.

 

[AKDee]

N/M

 

[Catholic1954]

It may sound terrible, but I do not think I like one of my friends as much now that we are roommates. I do not regret certain mean things I have done behind her back. I now I should, but I feel slightly justified. I feel bad because they were wrong, but I do not feel like I betrayed a friend though. I hold in a lot of things she does that annoys me. I often overlook her faults. She used to not wash her dishes for days, so I would wash them for her/both of our dirty dishes. I used to walk her dog for her because she worked. I used to take out the trash. When I confronted her about the dishes, it became “well you never get me the opportunity to wash them.” I remember coming home from school late at night, she was home all-day - the sink was filled with dirty dishes. I remember also telling her, that my ideal family was husband and children. This turned into, how close-minded I was, that a family does not need to have a husband. Her attempts to “educate” me are annoying or telling me I’m ignorant, close-minded/narrow-minded, sexist are borderline annoying. I was talking about something how we are all sinners. She was like how dare you subscribe me to your religious beliefs. I thought I was being inclusive to say that. Sorry. It seems like she is the type if you tell her anything, somehow it will turn into your fault or how much she has put up with you. I always end up apologizing her. She acts like I’m always the annoying one. She freely tells me when I do things that cross her or irritate her, but if the tables were to turn, it would become an argument. As friends, I do not feel like she respects me or what I have to say. When I told her, I felt like she was talking down to me, she responded by me telling I was being too sensitive. Maybe I just need a break, because I spend too much time with her. I do not think it is right, that I am in a friendship, that any complaint against her, it somehow becomes my fault (I misinterpreted, I started it, blah blah). In general, It is not that I do not like her, she is a nice person overall. It can get draining. If anything goes wrong, it was me. A few other girls saw that quality in her, so they distanced themselves. I see where they are coming from now. Sadly, a few other girls hated her and yelled at her solely because they did not like the way she treated me. Those girls did not even like me either, to me that says something.

What should I do?

You should move out . This roommate arrangement is not working out on your side and to save the friendship you two should not be living together. Find another roommate and give 30 days notice.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Unless you have a lease, move. Paper plates…paper plates…paper plates. And guess what! Even nuns and priest do not always get along in the same house. You did wrong in talking behind her back, maybe some of that got back to her. My mother said that you don’t really know some one until you live with them. Move if possible.

 

[Joe_5859]

I do not regret certain mean things I have done behind her back. I now I should, but I feel slightly justified.

Just to touch on this aspect, I would encourage you very much to fight against these inclinations. When we move into the territory of feeling “justified” in doing things we know are objectively wrong, we are harming our conscience and contributing to its malformation. That can have dire effects for us later on down the road, even unrelated to the present circumstances.

I get it. I would much prefer to be passive aggressive that to confront things head on. But it is not beneficial to anyone, including yourself. It just gives us the illusion of having control over a situation that we ultimately feel we have no control over. In the long run, it only makes us more bitter and resentful and more likely to do things we know we shouldn’t.

Just some extra food for thought.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi Pelegia,

I guess what I would do would be to examine the friendship first, and see if I wanted to continue to live with her as a roommate.

In other words, do you get along well enough with her basically, that you can still live together without seeming to antagonize each other most of the time? If you can, then maybe you should try and see if you can live together peacefully.

If you argue more often than not, then maybe you should reconsider living with her, and look at moving out, if you can afford to do that.

I would also try talking to her and letting her know your feelings about negative issues in your relationship in a respectful way–that you feel that she is able to talk to you about what is on her mind, but yet when you want to talk to her, you feel like that is a problem.

Be careful with how you talk to her. When we act as though we are blaming someone with our words and how we say something to them, the other person can get defensive, and could possibly do the same when they talk to us in return, and then a calm discussion can turn into an argument, instead.

I am not saying that you blame her for anything when you do talk to her. I am just trying to share some tips in case she gets defensive, so that you can try talking to her to help that not happen.

I wish you the best, and I hope that everything works out for you.

 

[PelagiathePenit]

I appreciate your responses, but I will look into where I failed her and try to her point of view. At the same time, I think my perspective is relevant as well. I will try to be humble.

 

[Rosebud77]

I appreciate your responses, but I will look into where I failed her and try to her point of view. At the same time, I think my perspective is relevant as well. I will try to be humble.

Hmmmmm… please do not become a doormat! A others have said, this relationship in such close quarters is not working and never will so change room mates. Do that on good terms… You have NOT failed her. Period.

 

[Joe_5859]

Hmmmmm… please do not become a doormat! A others have said, this relationship in such close quarters is not working and never will so change room mates. Do that on good terms… You have NOT failed her. Period.

Right! While it is certainly good to evaluate our own shortcomings and how we contribute to inter-relational dynamics that aren’t working well, I was not advocating becoming a doormat.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to just remove yourself from the situation. Living with another human being is difficult. When you put two different people in the same small quarters, there is going to be conflict. That doesn’t make it your fault.

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

So you’re a man doing the chores, and complaining because she’s not helping?

What is the relationship here? You want to play house and she doesn’t? What is she playing? Is this platonic? Or is this “try before you buy” and you want to make sure the merchandise is up to you standards before committing? Who is stopping you from having this traditional family you imagine for yourself – a woman you have chosen to be part of your plans isn’t shaping up fast enough? Is she anything other than a leech?

After 30 years of marriage to a wonderful “traditional” woman who stayed home to raise our six kids – and me when I became disabled – I have learned this truth: a man doing the dishes, doing them well, doing them whether or non he was the one who used them, and doing them cheerfully and not to prove some point to satisfy some passive-aggressive urge for revenge, can come across as very sexy to this kind of woman. She put up with my **** for decades, before I got a clue and started helping her. I honor her for that; had she griped and moaned it wouldn’t have helped me because I was not open to being healed in that way at that time – and especially not via hostile feedback. That woman is a saint. Just to give one view from perhaps “the other side” of it.

If you want to show her what a family is like, remember that a woman is to obey her husband, but the husband is enjoined to love her like Jesus does. Jesus came to serve, not to cut deals to make sure he gets his “fair share” of life – whether we’re talking about a share of joys or sorrows or chores. This is worldly thinking. Jesus showed us sacrificial love – not quid pro quo.

Ultimately I think the points you can win from doing them cheerfully, could be worth more to you in the long run (even eternally) than spending your life trying to fix the faults of others.

And if you are romantically involved, why are you roommates? Have you considered buying her a ring, and if not then why does she think you want a traditional family?

Or are you female? What am I missing here? Is this platonic?

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

Just to touch on this aspect, I would encourage you very much to fight against these inclinations. When we move into the territory of feeling “justified” in doing things we know are objectively wrong, we are harming our conscience and contributing to its malformation. That can have dire effects for us later on down the road, even unrelated to the present circumstances.

I get it. I would much prefer to be passive aggressive that to confront things head on. But it is not beneficial to anyone, including yourself. It just gives us the illusion of having control over a situation that we ultimately feel we have no control over. In the long run, it only makes us more bitter and resentful and more likely to do things we know we shouldn’t.

Just some extra food for thought.

My passive-aggressive tendencies showed themselves clinically in the MMPI once, and I’ve been fighting them a long time. I’m finally feeling some relief after many years of it.

You are right; passive-aggressive is so universally used, that it’s hard to even notice it. Like a fish in water, is a member of society around passive-aggressive people.

I’ve been that person. Yes, I was justified. And I can actually point to 17 million dollars that two companies have spent by going against my advice, and neither has sent me an “I told you so” check.

The trick to spirituality, and this is what Jesus really came to teach us and not a bunch of dogma, is that we learn to live in perfect peace and with perfect love, even in the midst of people who themselves are neither peaceful nor demonstrative of love.

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

Consider the other side: why should your friend put up with you?

Are you paying her rent, that she couldn’t afford, for example? If so, then you have a financial relationship. Have you agreed to the specific terms, or signed a contract as to what you will provide and what she will?

Or is it more informal, like a “you owe me one” to keep handy in case it needs to be dangled about? Kind of like a bartered servant but without clear definition?

I’m not trying to come down against you, except to break through this fog I’m seeing; I’m trying to diagnose the situation like you asked. It sounded like others are not hitting the mark, so if you don’t like my advice, then I apologize for taking your time to experience my non-helpful answer.

 

[Joe_5859]

So you’re a man doing the chores, and complaining because she’s not helping?

What is the relationship here? You want to play house and she doesn’t? What is she playing? Is this platonic? Or is this “try before you buy” and you want to make sure the merchandise is up to you standards before committing? Who is stopping you from having this traditional family you imagine for yourself – a woman you have chosen to be part of your plans isn’t shaping up fast enough? Is she anything other than a leech?

After 30 years of marriage to a wonderful “traditional” woman who stayed home to raise our six kids – and me when I became disabled – I have learned this truth: a man doing the dishes, doing them well, doing them whether or non he was the one who used them, and doing them cheerfully and not to prove some point to satisfy some passive-aggressive urge for revenge, can come across as very sexy to this kind of woman. She put up with my **** for decades, before I got a clue and started helping her. I honor her for that; had she griped and moaned it wouldn’t have helped me because I was not open to being healed in that way at that time – and especially not via hostile feedback. That woman is a saint. Just to give one view from perhaps “the other side” of it.

If you want to show her what a family is like, remember that a woman is to obey her husband, but the husband is enjoined to love her like Jesus does. Jesus came to serve, not to cut deals to make sure he gets his “fair share” of life – whether we’re talking about a share of joys or sorrows or chores. This is worldly thinking. Jesus showed us sacrificial love – not quid pro quo.

Ultimately I think the points you can win from doing them cheerfully, could be worth more to you in the long run (even eternally) than spending your life trying to fix the faults of others.

And if you are romantically involved, why are you roommates? Have you considered buying her a ring, and if not then why does she think you want a traditional family?

Or are you female? What am I missing here? Is this platonic?

I presumed the OP was female. If not, that certainly changes the situation a bit!

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

I presumed the OP was female. If not, that certainly changes the situation a bit!

Haha, I’m not sure. These days it isn’t supposed to matter anyway, right?

Maybe this is a contest between two women? Cat fight?

Because if it’s like, “I am a woman and I want a traditional marriage and husband, but I’m going to pitch a ***** it I have to do all the work around the house,” then I say that sounds pretty hilarious!!

Actually I came back to the thread to offer a man/woman thinking thing. It’s really funny, and it actually helped in breaking the ice during a bit of stagnation, between a couple I knew:

1- Mark Gungor - Tail of Two Brains (Part 1)

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

Hmmm… 12 hours plus. I wondered if I had killed the thread. Now I have self-bumped it.

I’ve been thinking about this some more… what if you end up marrying a guy with really great intentions, but like me, just can’t seem to quit being a slob. Or I can but due to some personality flaw I didn’t. Just think of this as “boot camp” for what may be to come.

So you could like pretend she was your “husband” and you try to “treat him like royalty” even though “he may take you as a bit of a servant if you don’t watch out.”

After all, if you are the servant, you are the greatest. You don’t need her to acknowledge you; if she does, then God doesn’t need to.