I'm Not Sure What To Think - Teenage Son Going to Be A Father

[Norseman82]

(continued)

Tonks40,

I cannot give you any clear-cut answers, but some things to think about when the initial shock wears off and you get your bearings again.

You mentioned that your son was staying with his father. What has his reaction been?

Also, the whole Navy thing bothers me. I have read enough stories of how military life puts stress on people’s marriages, and the Navy is the branch of service that probably has the highest amount of time being separated from family, whereas the Air Force has the lowest amount of time spent away from family (at least according to pre-Iraq war statistics; the war may have changed that). So you may want to factor how much time he will be away in making the decision. Of course, depending on how bad his substance abuse was, that might in and of itself close the doors to him joining the military.

And I know you are probably just getting over the initial shock now, but please realize that it was not God Who placed this situation in your life; it was your son and his g/f by not obeying God. There is a difference between God allowing something to happen and God actively willing something to happen.

Other than that, give it a day or two to get over the initial shock and get your bearings so that you may think clearly. Try to get a good night’s sleep. And of all the times of the year for this to happen, this weekend is the time when you will find open churches to either pray in or to find a priest to talk with.

 

[Subrosa]

Hi Tonks -

Great, You’re a grandma! Excellent! Congratulations!

I understand your concern about the child.

You say in the first post that your son does drugs. If your son does drugs with the baby around (or not!) he is guilty of child abuse. Have the baby removed. You’re the grandma, you have a ligitimate and legal responsibility.

If your son goes into the navy, that may change his life. I say may because it doesn’t always go that way.

The baby is the first priority. If you are successful in gaining custody of the baby, you’re son will be angry and not talk to you. But since you two are estranged already, it won’t make much of a difference.

One thing you must not do is take responsibility for his actions. He’s made his own choices. You didn’t twist his arm to take the drugs, right?

Sub

 

[johntkd]

That would be me. John, can you explain to me how I am wrong? What we do is who we are. This young woman has shown her willingness to be irresponsible with new life by risking making it with a person who is a drug and alcohol abuser. How am I wrong in calling her irresponsible and saying she is not ready for motherhood? Are you saying that in the name of being non-judgemental, the entire well-being and future of this child should be risked, so that we can feel good about not saying the truth?

We are REQUIRED to judge behavior as either right or wrong, and then to embrace right behavior and reject wrong behavior. We are REQUIRED to correct, in private first, wrong behavior by others.
I have absolutely no interest in preserving the rights or protecting the feelings of people who would subject an innocent baby to drug addiction and alcoholism, or who would think a person who accepts these behaviors is an appropriate guardian for an innocent child. The child’s rights and interests must come first. And if anything can be done to get the child out of a situation where he is nearly guaranteed to suffer at least neglect and probably abuse, because drunk/drug addicted parents and their co-dependents are so focused on their own issues and drama that the child comes WAY second, then it should be done.

If that makes me uncharitable, well, then I will take the chance of erring on the side of the innocent child and his needs, and answer for it later. I really can’t understand why so many people want to cater to the wrongdoers here and, pardon the language, screw the child. Why are his needs not first on everyone’s list? Why are we so willing to preserve the “rights” of people who do wrong and so willing to sacrifice innocent children and their futures?

actually you are very wrong, that being said I seen nothing in the post saying this young man is still using and if you had bothered to read that part as well before going off and being so crictical or trying to look"perfect" on this forum you also would have noticed a key word as well that being “PAST” past does not mean NOW
or even whenever these two young people were together.We are called to be as Jesus, that being said we are to be as much like him as possible, I cant speak for anyone on the board BUT when i go to confession and get absolved I am hoping I wont be judged next week, next year, or next decade On those mistakes,and have them held totally against me I am hoping i make up for them in some way and they are not considered, this situation deserves that same respect as well…

on THAT NOTE CAN WE GUARANTEE THAT ANY POTENTIAL ADOPTIVE PARENTS WONT ABUSE THIS CHILD?? no we cannot, THE ONLY GUARANTEE IN LIFE IS THAT WE MUST DIE

I AM ALSO NOTICING MANY PEOPLE ARE BREEZING THRU THIS POST AND MISSING THAT SAME KEY WORD “PAST”

get off your high horse,we are not required to judge anyone we have never met,nor know anything about,when you become a perfect person yourself then you may judge i guess however you are not and it shows in your posts as well which also cause me to get my dander up as well which is also something not good.and actually makes me ashamed of myself.

you state that this child will be abused in some way, or have a less then normal life. do you have any proof of that or any statistics which would make this mother unfit??? if so post them, kind of a hard judement to call person unfit or irresponsible mother when you know not one single thing about her.

you make statements about the “truth” well post your proof of truth please, because i happen to know well over 100 people and couples that were in this same situation years ago and they are now more responsible for it, and thier children never were abused in any way.I know more people whom act all perfect and portray a “good Christian Family” but behind closed doors kids are abused so bad its not even funny so show me the proof you have bet i can show you more the other way…

Incidently I am not without fault or sin or making mistakes, are you? does that make either of us irresponsible parents, where does it say parents are perfect???

ok enough said on that and by the way wasnt just talking about you either…your post was just the most rediculous thing i have ever seen in my life so full of misfacts and misinformation. and what the world should be…

and then i post a response thats as juvinile just because it ticked me off so bad to think someone could say something like that to someone they dont know a thing about, grrrrr

John

 

[Tonks40]

Getting back from Mass, I see that this thread has created somewhat of a firestorm!

After 24 hours of pondering, one thing is for certain - I do want what’s best for the child. Both my son and his girlfriend will be 18 when the baby is born, and by all measures, they will be considered adults. But that does not negate my concern for the care of the child and how these two young, inexperienced and naive people will be able to handle it.

My son insists that he has not done drugs in nearly a year. He also claims to no longer drink. Having not been in regular contact with him, I cannot measure his statements. After having nearly dropped out of school, both he and his girlfriend have greatly improved academically, but are still short of graduating on time. The Navy was an ultimatum his father placed on him earlier this month, and I question my son’s motivations for joining. (It was either the Navy or his father cuts him off for support). I know what the Navy can do - my father, his father and others around us have been in the military and know how family life is affected by it. By the looks of things, my ex appears to be very disappointed, but even he admits that we can’t change the past.

They often speak about marriage, even before the baby, but I’m not sure if this is still what they have in mind. His girlfriend, though, is making plans on getting the services and assistance that she needs to support her and the child. I know it’s too early for them to make any concrete decisions - I hope they take all the time they need.

I appreciate what puzzieannie said about prayer and uniting myself with Our Blessed Mother. I can only offer it up to the care of her Son through her prayers. As for duskyjewels comments, I do understand and appreciate what she is saying, but truly, I cannot see what’s in this young couple’s hearts. I see so much good in them, but faced with making many bad choices. I also understand that God gave all of us free will, even to the young. How they choose to use that will depends on whether or not their eyes are focused on the Lord. Their faith formation (yes, she’s Catholic also) barely scratched the surface (a failure of our parental responsibilites, as I see it), so their tendencies now are to live more by secular ideas. I feel like he’s so far from the Faith now that all I can do is pray for him.

I plan on talking to them again soon once my head is screwed back on. I know that at this stage in their lives, I can only give them advise and emotional support. What they do with it once I give it to them really would be up to them. If they don’t get married, then I hope that I am able to continue to keep in contact with mom and the baby. But that would all depend on how much they’re willing to accept.

And yes, it is a comfort and a joy that this young woman is choosing life!

In Christ,
Lola (grandmother in Tagalog) Tonks

 

[jacobsmumy]

hi, congrates on being a grandma! i got pregnant at 18 and had my bub at 19 and half. im now 21 and am getting married to the babys father on easter monday (having a anglican service) even tho im catholic , but his dad inst. i agree about the marriage thing, in a way im glad me and my fienca didnt get married at 18 just because i was pregnant, marriage is a big step and commintment to each other. and you only get married once . im soo in love with jacobs dad and have been with him for over three years now.

 

[jacobsmumy]

oh our baby was planned too i see him as a gift from God. bubs is such a cutie and i can’t beleive hes gonna be two years old soon!! on the 30th june.