"I'm praying for you"

[jen356]

Hello, new here. I have a question about my mom. She wrote me the other day and it said, “I’m praying for you”. I took the bait and I asked why. She then went on to say that I am not the same loving daughter I used to be, that she was praying that I come back and not be so condemning of people and that I used to be so happy and nice and she has no clue what happened to me. Needless to say I was taken back.

A little background: My mom has always had issues with boundaries. My husband and I cannot guess what she’s talking about now, but in the past we have decided to see my parents less because they do not respect our wishes for privacy. We can only guess that she’s upset that she doesn’t see us as much as she wants to. Other than that, we have no clue. I don’t think I am that different. I’m certainly not mean to anyone. But we have a child and I think she’s probably just upset that we’ve drawn some boundaries for ourselves and I have grown up quite a bit.

When she sent me this, my first reaction was anger because it felt like someone telling me I needed to change for them. I don’t know why someone would need to tell another person they were praying for them like this, unless it was to tell them all of the ways they’re acting wrong. I feel like a child being scolded.

So, what should I do? I know I should probably ask what she’s talking about, but I almost don’t even want to talk to her. Any thoughts and ideas would be welcome. Thank you.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Well, since you did take the bait and allow her to let her emotions fly (which I rarely recommend) then I do suggest continuing the conversation.

Now, I know many people speak about boundaries and I understand that need in many cases. However, I also understand “honoring our parents” to the best of our abilities and finding a certain level of forgiveness.
Some people are totally unable to maintain an “honoring” relationship so it is best to spend less time together. Others are able to maintain conversational boundaries for appearances sake. These are very unique situations for every single family, so it’s hard to outright say what is “right” or “wrong” in any situation. We’re all very unique.

With that said… it sounds like she may be reaching out to you… albeit in a very passive aggressive manner.
It may be time to reevaluate exactly where those boundaries should lie and how they could possibly be lowered for the sake of forgiveness, without sacrificing pain and suffering. It’s a delicate balance.
What about opening up a little to her? Having a neutral meeting more often? Allowing her to spend time with her grandchild in a controlled situation?

Just some ideas. Prayers for your situation. I do understand these can be delicate issues.

 

[Irishmom2]

If she says it again, just say “Aww, that’s so nice of you! Thanks!”

I agree with Em, you took the bait, just as your mother was hoping you would do. If she had something to say, she should have just said it without trying to get you to ask what she was talking about. I wouldn’t speak of it again unless she says something first. After all, you know she has a problem with boundaries. I believe she knows she does too, but doesn’t care. Sounds like she is just trying another way of overstepping them.

 

[manygift1spirit]

If she says it again, just say “Aww, that’s so nice of you! Thanks!”

I agree with Em, you took the bait, just as your mother was hoping you would do. If she had something to say, she should have just said it without trying to get you to ask what she was talking about. I wouldn’t speak of it again unless she says something first. After all, you know she has a problem with boundaries. I believe she knows she does too, but doesn’t care. Sounds like she is just trying another way of overstepping them.

Having a pathologically passive-aggressive mother myself, I completely agree with this advice.

It is true that she may not be trying to be willingly manipulative, and rather these are just her habits, but without a reasonable doubt she is trying (consciously or not) to violate the boundaries without it looking like she is violating them. Have her cake and eat it too.

I do like the first line, play dumb and just say Thanks. Great advice, several advantages: This is actually charitable…so long as there is an iota of probability she means her prayer declaration as something even somewhat positive, you grant her that possibility without getting drawn into the dysfunctional cesspool which marks P-A relationships. Also, as your answer is positive and appropriate, you still leave open the door for further mature and adult inroads, if she wishes or if that statement was an feeler for. Last, when someone being P-A says something to you, remember the universe of things they actually say is simply their exact words, and the universe of what they might be trying to say is the totality of all other possible sentiments. What is easier to discern, what someone actually says (whether they mean it or not), or the needle in a haystack of what they might mean among all other possibilities except exactly what they actually said? Please do not subject yourself to the trial of that second option, that way lies madness.

Prayers with.

 

[mommy_k]

I agree with the other posters. If you like, you can also say thanks-i’m praying for you too and go say a prayer for her.if she asks why just say because your’e my mom and that’s what I do.

 

[leonie]

What I have found in my life is that whenever I have prayed for something trying to force my will or viewpoint, God has used that prayer to change my mind to conform to His Will. So, I’d encourage your mom to pray for you all the time. It might bring her closer to God’s will for you. It will change her.

Though you can’t be sure she’s really praying. I think you should stop right there when she says something like that and say, “that’s great, let’s pray right now.” Then either pray spontaneously with her or just say a “Hail Mary.” Then, you know she is really praying and not just manipulating you.

Don’t worry, she can’t manipulate God.

 

[MarkInOregon]

Hello, new here. I have a question about my mom. She wrote me the other day and it said, “I’m praying for you”. I took the bait and I asked why. She then went on to say that I am not the same loving daughter I used to be, that she was praying that I come back and not be so condemning of people and that I used to be so happy and nice and she has no clue what happened to me. Needless to say I was taken back.

A little background: My mom has always had issues with boundaries. My husband and I cannot guess what she’s talking about now, but in the past we have decided to see my parents less because they do not respect our wishes for privacy. We can only guess that she’s upset that she doesn’t see us as much as she wants to. Other than that, we have no clue. I don’t think I am that different. I’m certainly not mean to anyone. But we have a child and I think she’s probably just upset that we’ve drawn some boundaries for ourselves and I have grown up quite a bit.

From what you have said here–it does seem as if something has changed. It feels like there is more to the story than you have let on. Were you once more open with your parents? Did you stop discussing things with them that you used to? You openly acknowledge pulling back - citing they did not respect your wishes for privacy. Has this been a life long thing or did you recently become more private? What does it mean that you have grown up quite a bit? Plenty of children are still open with there parents and they are plenty grown up. My wife for example is much more open about things in our family–both with her own parents and with mine–than I’d care to be–but thats just me and I realize I am a bit closed–well more that a bit so I would never dream of telling my wife to change.

It just seems to me that there is more going on here than you have let on – and that may color any advice you receive from posters.

Peace,
Mark