I'm pretty sure I have given up

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Kateri92

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Hi everyone!

I wasn’t going to post a thread about this because I don’t really like to post things about dating and such (unless its a legitimate question I really need help with).

I’m almost 23 and I have never dated anyone. I have fallen in love too many time to count but it was for the most part unrequited. So, I’m pretty sure that I have just given up. I think I’m tired of getting my heart broken over and over again. But the desire for a permanent relationship is still in my heart. I have prayed A LOT that God would open up a door in this area of my life. But, I’m still waiting. I’m not even sure if I’m even waiting anymore. I think I have just accepted that God doesn’t want this for me. I feel so unsuccessful in pretty much every area of my life. But, I can deal with everything else okay as long as I know God has a plan. I thought God wanted us to love. Why hasn’t he answered my prayers yet?

Peace :o
 
Be at peace.

23 is young. Really, 23 is a baby. You have your whole life ahead of you; it is much too early to be “giving up.” Trust in God and His plan for you. I know it’s easy for me to say. But really, take your time and trust God.

You sound a lot like me. I fell for many gentlemen who did not reciprocate my interest, and at one point I felt like giving up. I prayed long and hard for God to send me the man He intended for me. I also started praying for my future husband even though I didn’t know who he was. It was a beautiful experience.

God did send me the right man at the right time, and I couldn’t be happier with him. 🙂 We’ve been happily married for almost three years and have a beautiful son together. I’m so thankful to God for answering my prayers.

I realize that all the time I was longing for my husband and feeling like giving up, God was preparing me for my relationship with my husband by strengthening my relationship with Himself. You can use this time to grow in your relationship with God which will be the foundation of your relationship with your husband.
 
Ummm… don’t give up now. You are only 23.

Let me tell you about my love life… I never dated throughout high school. I went on my first date when I was 18 years old. I did not go on another date until I was 27. I really did not being dating until 27. And I did not get my first girlfriend until I was 29! And it only lasted a few months.

I know what you are going through. If you are going to give up on trying to date, let it be because you think you will be happier just being single for the rest of your life. Not because you don’t think you will ever get a date or a significant other. Trust me, if you keep trying eventually you will. I am only 30. I might give up if I am not married by the time I am 50 but even then, that is my own thing. Some people do not get married until they are in their 40’s or 50’s. Keep trying. Consider online dating, but if you do, be very cautious because there are weirdos out there. But try something. Dont give up so soon! Maybe God has not answered your prayers because you have not been falling in love with the right people. When we think we are so in love with someone we think they are the perfect person for us but it is not always the case. It can cloud our judgement sometimes. I would not presume to know Gods will just because you fell your prayers are not being answered. The fact that you have never been on a date in your short 23 years of life is not a indication that God wants you to be single for the rest of your life. You need to think more a long the lines of what can you do to help in your situation instead of “why wont God answer my prayer?” God bless.
 
Do you have room on that boat of yours? When it comes to dating, I’m in the same one. 😉

If it’s meant to happen, it will happen. Just try your best to be patient. There are blessings to be found in the single life. For example, I was once discerning a call to religious life since I had been single for so long and felt a tug in that direction. I had a spiritual director and spoke with a Carmelite nun who had made calls to two Carmelite communities for me. One had even said I was welcome to come down and visit them! However, after taking some time to really discern and think hard on what my vocation is, in time, I realized that my desire to be a mother is so strong that that is clearly what I should wait for.

There are advantages to be had while you wait. Pray and see where the Lord takes you. Don’t give up.
 
Our Father, Who art in heaven
Hallowed be Thy Name;
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace.
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit:
As it was in the beginning,
is now,
and ever shall be,
world without end.
Amen.
 
Kateri92 said:
Hi everyone!

I wasn’t going to post a thread about this because I don’t really like to post things about dating and such (unless its a legitimate question I really need help with).

I’m almost 23 and I have never dated anyone. I have fallen in love too many time to count but it was for the most part unrequited. So, I’m pretty sure that I have just given up. I think I’m tired of getting my heart broken over and over again. But the desire for a permanent relationship is still in my heart. I have prayed A LOT that God would open up a door in this area of my life. But, I’m still waiting. I’m not even sure if I’m even waiting anymore. I think I have just accepted that God doesn’t want this for me. I feel so unsuccessful in pretty much every area of my life. But, I can deal with everything else okay as long as I know God has a plan. I thought God wanted us to love. Why hasn’t he answered my prayers yet?

Peace :o
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My father married at 27, myself at 28, an uncle of mine was around 50 when he got married. Don’t make the mistake of rushing things, and besides, God may even have other ‘plans’ for you.

You are in my prayers.
 
You have been in love many times without having dated once? This suggests that your romantic thoughts are unrealistic and unhealthy. Have you been scaring away potential friends? Have you talked to a professional counselor about this?
 
PaulfromIowa said:
You have been in love many times without having dated once? This suggests that your romantic thoughts are unrealistic and unhealthy. Have you been scaring away potential friends? Have you talked to a professional counselor about this?
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Absolutely not. I only fell in love with people who actually seemed to be serious. I have had several guys lead me on. It was unfair. I honestly don’t even want to fall in love anymore because it end up hurting. And, apparently all men in their twenties find love to be a complete joke. You know, they flirt for a long time (which I think flirting is equivalent to lying) and then they just leave you there guessing as to why they aren’t serious. Or in one case he seemed so serious for several months that I thought he was obviously going to ask me out. It wasn’t in my head. Other people noticed. He ended up getting a girlfriend (not me).

And before you jump on me and say that I am just naive. No. No I am not. I know what a guy in love looks like. I have just run into bad apples I guess. There seems to be more bad apples out there than good.

Also, with all due respect, the tone of some of these replies are really demeaning. I am not a baby. I am a young adult woman and expect just as must respect as anyone else. And, some people marry their high school sweetheart. You argument is invalid.
 
WOW! You are too young to be giving up.

I had just graduated from University, converted to Catholicism and been in the workforce for two years when I was your age. I was working on developing my faith. Relationships and marriage was not on the radar. I was also focussed on my career and you know what when you are not looking for it, it happens. 🙂 I met my husband at a Theology on Tap night organised by the Diocese. We got married a year later and the rest is history.

Have patience and focus on your faith, hobbies, contributing to your church and community by volunteering etc. many of my friends have met their husbands that way. :hug1: Most people in my parish married aged 25-30, plenty of time for you.

P.S. Just added, two single (fortysomething) men at our church gave up on local women. They met Catholic Filipino women on the internet. Went over there and spent time with the ladies and their families and were very impressed by their devotion to the faith and family. Got married and brought them back to Australia. Broaden your horizons perhaps, there are Catholic dating sites.
 
Any chance you could try a new life experience ?
While on a holiday in New Zealand ,. We met a lot of young back packers,all on there own or in pairs having the time of their lives,and finding love as well,
Might be a thought,
 
Focus on yourself and let God send the right man. Give this burden to Him, He will respond in His time. I’m absolutely serious about this. It will help your future marriage to learn more about who you are, what you are interested in, what your hobbies are, etc. I wish I would have done that instead of constantly trying to find which girl is the right one only to have my heart continually broken.

God always had The One for me, no matter where I went. I wasted so much time finding her instead of trusting Him that after I married I realized I knew nothing about myself, and it hurt our marriage. Trust Him, your man will come. If God made someone for me, surely He made a man for you.
 
Kateri92 said:
I only fell in love with people
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This is not love, this is infatuation. It is no less hurtful when your hopes of something romantic are dashed, but this isn’t love.
Kateri92 said:
I honestly don’t even want to fall in love anymore because it end up hurting.
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This is progress, of a kind. Guarding your heart is important. Refraining from placing unrealistic expectations on yourself and on others is important.
Kateri92 said:
And, apparently all men in their twenties find love to be a complete joke.
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You are talking from a place of hurt right now. But becoming bitter towards the entire male population at the age of 23 is not a good idea.
Kateri92 said:
You know, they flirt for a long time (which I think flirting is equivalent to lying) and then they just leave you there guessing as to why they aren’t serious. Or in one case he seemed so serious for several months that I thought he was obviously going to ask me out. It wasn’t in my head. Other people noticed. He ended up getting a girlfriend (not me).
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Kateri, Paul’s advice is sound. Seeking out someone who can help you sort through your emotions as an objective third party may be helpful. Perhaps you are not picking up on the social cues these men are sending, perhaps they are sending mixed signals, or perhaps you are sending some signals of which you are unaware that alter their pursuit.

If you want a different outcome, you will need to develop different behaviors and different responses.
Kateri92 said:
And before you jump on me and say that I am just naive. No. No I am not. I know what a guy in love looks like. I have just run into bad apples I guess. There seems to be more bad apples out there than good.
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No one is jumping on you. People are posting with constructive advice. Not liking that advice does not make it bad advice. I’m not sure what you came looking for, if not advice on how you might change things.
Kateri92 said:
Also, with all due respect, the tone of some of these replies are really demeaning. I am not a baby. I am a young adult woman and expect just as must respect as anyone else. And, some people marry their high school sweetheart. You argument is invalid.
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With all due respect, 23 is quite young from the perspective of those who are 30, 40, 50 or more. Does that sometimes come across as patronizing? Yes. We’ve all been there and felt patronized as a young adult. Sometimes because someone was actually being patronizing, sometimes because we were in a defensive mode and were taking everything people said as an insult.

No one is trying to insult you. People are trying to be helpful. People with many more years of experience in life and in dating are telling you some important things:
  1. You have not been in love, you’ve been infatuated
  2. You may or may not be contributing to the outcomes through social cues, behaviors, and attitudes you are not even aware of, and an objective third party could help you.
  3. At 23, you have a lot of great life experiences ahead of you and “giving up” at 23 is melodramatic.
 
Kateri92 said:
Absolutely not. I only fell in love with people who actually seemed to be serious. I have had several guys lead me on. It was unfair. I honestly don’t even want to fall in love anymore because it end up hurting. And, apparently all men in their twenties find love to be a complete joke. You know, they flirt for a long time (which I think flirting is equivalent to lying) and then they just leave you there guessing as to why they aren’t serious. Or in one case he seemed so serious for several months that I thought he was obviously going to ask me out. It wasn’t in my head. Other people noticed. He ended up getting a girlfriend (not me).

And before you jump on me and say that I am just naive. No. No I am not. I know what a guy in love looks like. I have just run into bad apples I guess. There seems to be more bad apples out there than good.

Also, with all due respect, the tone of some of these replies are really demeaning. I am not a baby. I am a young adult woman and expect just as must respect as anyone else. And, some people marry their high school sweetheart. You argument is invalid.
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I understand exactly how you feel, because that’s exactly how I felt before I met my husband at 22. We were married before I turned 23. Previously, all of my relationships had been one-sided. I liked him and he didn’t like me, or he liked me and I didn’t like him that much. When I finally found someone that I was crazy about and that was crazy about me, things went very quickly.

I think your expectations for early marriage are somewhat unrealistic, and it’s certainly too early to give up entirely. In the US today, the average first time bride is 27 and the average first time groom is 29. A lot of people in your generation are struggling with getting on their feet. Around 19% of men 25-34 (your likely target age) are living at home, not on their own or with roommates.

census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/families_households/cb11-183.html

Between student loans and consumer debt, not to mention lousy jobs, a lot of men of the right age for you are struggling just to support themselves, let alone kids, let alone a SAHM. That’s the bad news. The good news is that presumably, many of them will be in a better position in a few years.

Also, not getting married to your high school sweetheart is not necessarily a tragedy for you–the risk of divorce is highest for young first time brides and is substantially lower once you hit 25+.

There have been a lot of good ideas upthread. I may be repeating some, but I want to be thorough:
  1. Develop your interests, especially those that will get you out and about in groups containing men of the appropriate age.
  2. Consider relocating.
  3. Consider online dating (but think about personal safety and don’t overcommit to someone you haven’t met in person yet)
  4. Ask men out occasionally, but without making a huge big deal out of it or suggesting that you’ve got a huge emotional investment in the answer. (“Steve, I’m thinking of going to the new blah blah blah movie. Would you go as my date?”)
  5. Take care of yourself, both physically and otherwise.
  6. Consider working with a therapist on your dating issues. You may be coming on too strong or you may be mistaking politeness for flirting.
  7. Work on your career and your finances, but make sure you are allotting enough funds for the previous items. Consider doing a personal finance course, for instance, Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. Do you have debt? Pay it off. Do you have no savings? Build your savings.
daveramsey.com/new/baby-steps/

Having no debt will put you in a much stronger and more comfortable position when it’s time to start having a family.
 
Don’t give up.

I dated online for 7 years before meeting my current (and first) boyfriend. I’m 30 by the way. In those 7 years before meeting him, I met many guys and nothing worked out. I felt sad at times, but I never wanted to give up. God really does have a plan. My boyfriend is God’s plan for me and I understand why nothing worked out before now.
 
Thank you all who have provided encouragement.

And, I know I have a good head on my shoulders. I don’t need others telling me to get a therapist for dating issues. I was hoping this would be more spiritually minded and about God. I have realized why I don’t open up about this much. If you want to read into what I am saying go right ahead, but its not helping me at all. Its not your place to say whether I was in love or not (which I contest that I was (I didn’t divulge everything because this is the internet and I want to protect people’s privacy).And, the last time I was in love or whatever you want to call it, was a year ago. Its not like I’m mindlessly chasing males around. And, I’m not even necessarily looking to be married at 23. But I want to at least be heading in that direction so that I can get married later when I am “better off”.
Seriously, please offer spiritually minded advice or please don’t comment (please 😦 ). Maybe its hard for you to believe someone can be in love like I was, but that doesn’t call for your criticisms. I know you are trying to be helpful but that’s not helping.
 
Kateri92 said:
Hi everyone!
Why hasn’t he answered my prayers yet?
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I think one of the hardest things for me to realize was that that often God’s answers to my prayers is a “not yet,” “not in the way you think,” or “No, I have something better planned.” It could be possible he wants you to work on something else right now. Maybe it’s to help a friend find their faith, to strengthen your own faith, improve your relationships with your friends and family, or whatever.
Kateri92 said:
I feel so unsuccessful in pretty much every area of my life.
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Maybe try working on this for now. Maybe look to further your career, start a new volunteering job, become more involved in a particular church ministry, or even just look to learn a new hobby. Still be open to the possibility of marriage and a future Christ-centered relationship, but maybe it shouldn’t be your primary concern right now (You are still very young). It would also put you in a much better place for when you do meet the right guy.

So, my suggestions regards to dating? Personally not much experience in this area, but you could try Christian online dating sites or see if your parish has any mixer-type events. Maybe start with becoming friends and see if it blossoms from there (If it doesn’t, at least you’ve made a friend)?

I will keep you in my prayers. God bless.
 
When I was in my mid to late 20s & hadn’t dated in years, I didn’t “give up” but I did give myself over to God’s will. I realized I had put my life on hold waiting for that “special person.” So I started doing a lot of activities I had been putting off. It made me a more well-rounded & happier person. I met my husband when I was 30, we married 3 years later. Been married close to 30 years now! 😃
 
Kateri92 said:
I don’t need others telling me to get a therapist for dating issues.

**If what you’re currently doing isn’t working, do something different.
**

I was hoping this would be more spiritually minded and about God.

**There are Christian and Catholic therapists.

I think you may be over-spiritualizing this. If you look at the Gospel, it’s actually very concrete–feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the prisoner, protect the widow and orphan, etc. Likewise with family life–it’s also very concrete–feed the toddler, change the baby, check the homework, do the laundry. The path of duty is often not very “spiritual.” Or to put it differently, spiritual health may lie in doing a lot of apparently not very spiritual things. **

I have realized why I don’t open up about this much. If you want to read into what I am saying go right ahead, but its not helping me at all. Its not your place to say whether I was in love or not (which I contest that I was (I didn’t divulge everything because this is the internet and I want to protect people’s privacy).And, the last time I was in love or whatever you want to call it, was a year ago. Its not like I’m mindlessly chasing males around. And, I’m not even necessarily looking to be married at 23. But I want to at least be heading in that direction so that I can get married later when I am “better off”.
Seriously, please offer spiritually minded advice or please don’t comment (please 😦 ). Maybe its hard for you to believe someone can be in love like I was, but that doesn’t call for your criticisms. I know you are trying to be helpful but that’s not helping.
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If what you’re doing is working for you and you’re happy with the results, carry on just as you are.
 
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