I'm ready to give up on my doctorate

[Litcrit]

Honestly, I haven’t really tried to explain this to my son - duh. He was barely three when I started, and I nearly all of my study time was while he was sleeping. You’ve given me something to think about here: how do I explain to a nearly-five year old what I’m learning about and why? Thanks for that.

My not-quite-yet-20-month-old daughter is actually very supportive of my work.

Yesterday, I was alone with her and thought I wouldn’t be able to do much. So I played with her whilst superficially reading the fora on my computer (I write my thesis on my laptop). When we finished a game, I asked her: “What are we going to do now?” She said - I kid you not - “You write. (Pointing to the computer) Turn off. Wanna sleep.” So she took a nap (something she hardly EVER does any more!) and I had 2 hours to devote to my thesis!

Imagine how much a 5-year-old could help mommy!

Wishing and praying for all the best for you! Let us know how you’re coming along!

 

[sj2]

Just in case you need to hear this: You can do it!

I have a Ph.D. (took me many years) and nothing got me working faster and sprinting towards the finish line than getting pregnant with my first child! (Not a suggestion, just how it worked out for me. )

I finally defended when my first was 1 year old.

One of my stumbling blocks was perfectionism. Finally one of my committee members told me, “Nobody *likes *their dissertation. Very few people turn it into a book without heavy, heavy editing. This is because a dissertation is sort of written by committee (one prof counsels you to do it this way, the other says add that–really annoying). Just get it done and move on.”

Whenever I felt tempted to quit I would look at the amount of time and money I had already spent on it. I just couldn’t bring myself to waste it. I would rather tell my child, “I’m sorry Mommy was so busy for 3 years, but I had to work to get my degree,” than “I’m sorry Mommy was so busy for 1.5 years, it was all for nothing.” Ya know?

At some point I just decided I was done–done trying to make the dissertation perfect, done trying to make it the most interesting research anyone has ever heard of, done writing those checks to the college just to keep me enrolled. I actually got really annoyed at my college because once I left my Teaching Assistantship (where you teach for nearly no money) I felt they stopped supporting me, even though I was still paying them. Thank goodness they did; that fire got me motivated.

As others suggested: Pray. Prioritze. And if this will make a positive difference in your life: Persevere. Whatever your choice will be, make it with confidence and peace.

 

[rpp]

Gertabelle, my friend, this is a difficult decision.

As an under-educated man, I always encourage people to get the best education they can. I know this is a very difficult time for you and I understand your home situation. I sincerely hope you find a way to finish the program and get your doctorate.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[rebusrms]

this is a tough decision. You have come so far and have worked so hard and long. I’m not sure what to advise other than to pray. My gut tells me to stay on task and finish the degree. Please know I will pray for you and your son. I will pray for guidance and understanding.

May the Blessed Mother pray for us all

 

[Gertabelle]

Imagine how much a 5-year-old could help mommy!

Wishing and praying for all the best for you! Let us know how you’re coming along!

When my son sees my computer on, he wants to play on it. That’s a five-year-old for you. Actually, he wants to watch me play games on it because he doesn’t know how to use the mouse yet which I think is great!

I finished my masters while teaching full time, planning a wedding, coaching three after school teams, and participating on a college Odyssey of the Mind team. But I didn’t have a child yet. That really does make all the difference!

Just in case you need to hear this: You can do it!

One of my stumbling blocks was perfectionism.

Whenever I felt tempted to quit I would look at the amount of time and money I had already spent on it. I just couldn’t bring myself to waste it. I would rather tell my child, “I’m sorry Mommy was so busy for 3 years, but I had to work to get my degree,” than “I’m sorry Mommy was so busy for 1.5 years, it was all for nothing.” Ya know?

As others suggested: Pray. Prioritze. And if this will make a positive difference in your life: Persevere. Whatever your choice will be, make it with confidence and peace.

Yeah, I guess many of us at this level of study are serious perfectionists. I have to constantly tell myself to just go ahead and do horrible work, do it all wrong, use terrible grammar, and make no sense. When I give myself permission to mess it all up, I get a lot done.

And you’re right about the time and money commitment. I’m in this until the end now, unless God Himself pulls the plug on it.

Congratulations on your degree and your child(ren)!

Gertabelle, my friend, this is a difficult decision.

As an under-educated man, I always encourage people to get the best education they can. I know this is a very difficult time for you and I understand your home situation. I sincerely hope you find a way to finish the program and get your doctorate.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thanks, rrp, for the kind encouragement! I’m sticking with it, despite this twenty minute distraction from my homework.

Home life is much better. I’m happy with being “alone” (except for that little boy who keeps following me around and calling me mom) and God just keeps drawing me closer to His loving heart. I have closed the door on dating right now (not that there was any time for it anyway) and I’m drawing on my monastic background to use this time as a hyperactive contemplative.

My gut tells me to stay on task and finish the degree. Please know I will pray for you and your son. I will pray for guidance and understanding.

May the Blessed Mother pray for us all

My gut is telling me the same thing. Thanks for the prayers!

Gertie the graduate student

 

[Et_Cetera]

“I originally looked into getting a doctorate in order to increase my income. That was before I returned to the Church. When I returned to the faith, I gave my doctorate over to God. He can do with it what He will. I surrender my time, my brain, my sleep to Him.”

This scares me.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

“I originally looked into getting a doctorate in order to increase my income. That was before I returned to the Church. When I returned to the faith, I gave my doctorate over to God. He can do with it what He will. I surrender my time, my brain, my sleep to Him.”

This scares me.

** It doesn’t scare the OP and that’s what matters. If you do not have any experience of the kind of faith she is expressing, that scares ME.**

 

[Gertabelle]

“I originally looked into getting a doctorate in order to increase my income. That was before I returned to the Church. When I returned to the faith, I gave my doctorate over to God. He can do with it what He will. I surrender my time, my brain, my sleep to Him.”

This scares me.

You should be scared – especially when I’m driving home from the university library at 11:00pm and any effects of my overly caffienated day have long since been flushed out of my system!

Seriously, and just in case you were trying to insult me (not that you are)… I am a highly educated woman, halfway through a doctorate in fact My faith is not driven by ignorance, but rather by study, by intelligence, by an ongoing practice of seeing something other than my sweet self as the center of the universe.

Do I consult God on what to wear in the morning? Absolutely – the same as I used to do with my exhusband! But personally, I think God has better taste

Gertie

 

[ChristinaM]

You should be scared – especially when I’m driving home from the university library at 11:00pm and any effects of my overly caffienated day have long since been flushed out of my system!

Seriously, and just in case you were trying to insult me (not that you are)… I am a highly educated woman, halfway through a doctorate in fact My faith is not driven by ignorance, but rather by study, by intelligence, by an ongoing practice of seeing something other than my sweet self as the center of the universe.

Do I consult God on what to wear in the morning? Absolutely – the same as I used to do with my exhusband! But personally, I think God has better taste

Gertie

I love this response! If people trying their best to follow God’s will for their lives scares this poster…he/she must find the forums a very “scary” place.

 

[KingAlfred]

I’ve been working on my doctorate since January of 2007. My graduation date, pending completion of coursework and my doctoral study, is December of 2009.

I’m a single mom. My son will be five in November. All my family lives out of state. I work full time as a music teacher in a public school. I also play the piano for one mass a week at my parish, and I teach Sunday school for the 3-4 year old class every third week. My son’s dad has him one day and three nights a week.

In general I have a wonderful, rich, and very full life.

I originally looked into getting a doctorate in order to increase my income. That was before I returned to the Church. When I returned to the faith, I gave my doctorate over to God. He can do with it what He will. I surrender my time, my brain, my sleep to Him.

Up until now, I was managing fairly well. But this semester we begin in earnest to work on our doctoral studies (dissertation). And I am lost, and getting behind, and not completing assignments in the way in which they’re meant to be done. In short, I’m floundering.

And I’m looking ahead and getting worried about my son. I’m keeping our time together as “study free” time. But my lack of sleep is creating an irritability and impatience in me that is making it hard to be the mom I think my son needs.

On the other hand, one door after another has opened, putting me in exactly the right place and time to do a doctoral study on what’s taking place in my district right now. When I began this program, I had no idea what I’d focus on. But I’ve even been put in contact with one of the leading educational researchers and authors in the nation, as well as leaders in systemic reform.

But I just don’t see how I’m going to be able to continue without my son suffering, or me flunking out of the program. Oh, and I’m also up to my eyeballs in debt for this.

Mostly I just needed to vent. I trust that God will continue to lead me, and will use all this education, or my dropping out (if that is His will) for His plan.

If you have any thoughts, advice, or can offer your prayers, please feel free.

God bless.
Gertie

In teaching, the mere mention of ‘PhD’ sends chills down my back. Education PhDs are the single worst, on average, on Planet Earth. They should be subjected to Zero Population Growth policies.

 

[rpp]

In teaching, the mere mention of ‘PhD’ sends chills down my back. Education PhDs are the single worst, on average, on Planet Earth. They should be subjected to Zero Population Growth policies.

This is a cruel and utterly uncalled for insult. It is against forum rules to insult other members. This post is being reported to the moderators.

 

[iluvmybabies]

WOW!! You are a wonderful role model and great Christian!! That is fantastic! Yes you have a huge load and cross to bear right now but keep the faith in the end it will all pay off! Remember you will always be the best mom you can be, so what if a little irritability takes place, let your son know you will be right back, go to your room say a few prayers, ask GOD for His enlightenment and watch how fast you feel better and you will be the best mom you can be for your baby!! Never lose hope! I know how it feels to fail a class, for the first time in my life I have failed one several years ago, it was so heartbreaking for circumstances out of my control, I was moving, I had accelerated classes of 5 weeks long, I missed half of them and was not allowed to make up for them by one of my professor’s the other one allowed me to and I still was able to get a B in that class, but the other one failed me and didn’t even care about my situation…I have never recovered and when taking classes I no longer put the same emphasis nor excitement in it as I used to.

Now all I care about is passing…Seems silly and wrong but it’s true, it’s how I feel at the moment about school… But you recover eventually you know?! I too am in a huge debt that I can’t afford for my education, I need 12 months to finish my Bachelor’s yet I can’t afford to do it…It’s devastating me and financially it would help me with my 3 children but I just can’t afford it so I pray to GOD to help me be able to finish but I have accepted that at this time it’s not His will so I will wait till the right time…I will pray for you!!! God bless and don’t forget you are doing great!!

Don’t despair nor lose hope, keep your head up and don’t worry God knows all our sufferings and needs and if it’s meant to be it will be, otherwise be patient and when the time is right it will be!!! God bless!

 

[KingAlfred]

This is a cruel and utterly uncalled for insult. It is against forum rules to insult other members. This post is being reported to the moderators.

But it’s true.

 

[rpp]

But it’s true.

You are right. It is true that you made and egregious and anti-Catholic insult which was uncalled for cruel and malicious. It is true that your suggestion that people should be sterilized is grossly immoral and very anti-Catholic. You, sir, owe gertabelle, and the rest of the people on this thread, an apology.

I will not forget you uncharitable and anti-Cathoilc behavior.

 

[iluvmybabies]

You are right. It is true that you made and egregious and anti-Catholic insult which was uncalled for cruel and malicious. It is true that your suggestion that people should be sterilized is grossly immoral and very anti-Catholic. You, sir, owe gertabelle, and the rest of the people on this thread, an apology. GOD BLESS YOU!!!

I will not forget you uncharitable and anti-Cathoilc behavior.

BUT Remember my dear friend, we must forgive in order to be forgiven, even though what that person said was malicious and cruel, we must forgive such atrocities…And pray for their souls…

That person isn’t the only one with such thoughts and feelings…I saw in the news the governor or senator of Louisiana stating that he wants to pass a law/bill that will “make” or at least try, to make, all the people on welfare there to get sterilized…yes, they are trying to pass this bill to pay everyone to get sterilized…because they don’t want to continue giving them welfare money!!! Instead of the govt saying “hey let’s help these people by providing free college educations so that they don’t have to depend on welfare any more, let’s help them achieve permanent employment and reach stability to promote wellbeing and growth for our economy!!!” NO they are trying to sterilize people because they don’t want to help anyone…It’s a shame what this world is coming too!!!

 

[rpp]

BUT Remember my dear friend, we must forgive in order to be forgiven, even though what that person said was malicious and cruel, we must forgive such atrocities…And pray for their souls…

Remember that forgiveness does not mean forgetting.

And if he refuses to apologize and for making utterly uncalled for insults and blind-sided attacks on other members like he did here, that is behavior that should no be forgotten.

That person isn’t the only one with such thoughts and feelings…I saw in the news the governor or senator of Louisiana stating that he wants to pass a law/bill that will “make” or at least try, to make, all the people on welfare there to get sterilized…yes, they are trying to pass this bill to pay everyone to get sterilized…because they don’t want to continue giving them welfare money!!! Instead of the govt saying “hey let’s help these people by providing free college educations so that they don’t have to depend on welfare any more, let’s help them achieve permanent employment and reach stability to promote wellbeing and growth for our economy!!!” NO they are trying to sterilize people because they don’t want to help anyone…It’s a shame what this world is coming too!!!

Yes, the attitude expressed by that poster is sad and, as I stated, anti-Catholic and grossly immoral.

But let’s not get off the topic here.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Remember that forgiveness does not mean forgetting.

Yes you are correct…I have forgiven many things in my life but it doesn’t mean I have forgotten about them…I understand what you are saying…

And if he refuses to apologize and for making utterly uncalled for insults and blind-sided attacks on other members like he did here, that is behavior that should no be forgotten.

You are correct but I am sure many of the reader’s just ignore such things… I was told once by many Catholic peers that if I were having economical problems to stop having children because I was wrong in bringing children to the world who would suffer!!! Maybe it’s true maybe not, it hurt a bit, but I forgave and moved on…everyone is entitled to their own opinions even if they seem wrong…

Yes, the attitude expressed by that poster is sad and, as I stated, anti-Catholic and grossly immoral.

But let’s not get off the topic here.

Yes you are correct…the important thing is that the OP thinks about what will make her happy and go from there…

 

[Nielz]

I hope this works out for you. I’m sorry it has been so hard.

 

[Miraluna]

I am in the same boat. I am actually doing final revisions and needing to defend this semester, so that I can keep my job. I have also wanted to give up. But during confession, a priest pointed out that the doctorate was not for me…he started naming all the things I would be able to do for others with the doctorate and the women that would see me as an example. He said my dissertation and the doctorate was so that I could serve others. My doctorate is in educational psychology and I specifically trained in working with at-risk-students. He was right. All the things in my life aligned so that I could do this. And this is just the last hurdle. And Satan is lurking trying to make me lose hope and trust. I am also a mom and I work. And I must say that this has been God’s plan because I do not really feel that I have sacrificed much. I have been more connected with God, my church, and my family. I set all that first. True it has taken me 2 years to write my dissertation and 3 years prior to that for coursework…but I will get there, in God’s time. When I go to Mass, each time, I tell God that I place all this at the foot of the altar and that I will accept to go forward or stop…and I think He intends for me to keep going. I also would love to be a stay-at-home mom, but that has not been possible. And I know that there is value in my children seeing me go through this and persist and call on God regularly for help. You can try a few things. At one point, I got a chair and put it next to my desk. That chair was God’s chair and I prayed and asked Him to sit with me while I wrote. And that sustained me for a longtime. Here at the end, I have asked for intercession from St. Jude for difficult cases. And I am about to call on many more to help me with these last few weeks. Why not…God rejoices when we ask for the support of others in our life and in our walk with Him. I need a legion to help me because it seems insurmountable…but if this is God’s will - it will be done.

 

[Gertabelle]

I am in the same boat. I am actually doing final revisions and needing to defend this semester, so that I can keep my job. I have also wanted to give up. But during confession, a priest pointed out that the doctorate was not for me…he started naming all the things I would be able to do for others with the doctorate and the women that would see me as an example. He said my dissertation and the doctorate was so that I could serve others. My doctorate is in educational psychology and I specifically trained in working with at-risk-students. He was right. All the things in my life aligned so that I could do this. And this is just the last hurdle. And Satan is lurking trying to make me lose hope and trust. I am also a mom and I work. And I must say that this has been God’s plan because I do not really feel that I have sacrificed much. I have been more connected with God, my church, and my family. I set all that first. True it has taken me 2 years to write my dissertation and 3 years prior to that for coursework…but I will get there, in God’s time. When I go to Mass, each time, I tell God that I place all this at the foot of the altar and that I will accept to go forward or stop…and I think He intends for me to keep going. I also would love to be a stay-at-home mom, but that has not been possible. And I know that there is value in my children seeing me go through this and persist and call on God regularly for help. You can try a few things. At one point, I got a chair and put it next to my desk. That chair was God’s chair and I prayed and asked Him to sit with me while I wrote. And that sustained me for a longtime. Here at the end, I have asked for intercession from St. Jude for difficult cases. And I am about to call on many more to help me with these last few weeks. Why not…God rejoices when we ask for the support of others in our life and in our walk with Him. I need a legion to help me because it seems insurmountable…but if this is God’s will - it will be done.

God’s will be done.

I will keep you in my prayers as I move forward through this semester. Thanks for the encouragement and example of what this is all about.

God bless you!
Gertie