I'm so confused

[suebeers]

First let me say that I am so thankful to the Lord for letting me find this Web site! After reading some of the posts, I feel silly for complaining about my situation, because a lot of other women are far worse off than I am, but here goes.

My husband and I were both raised as Catholics, but neither of us were ‘practicing Catholics’ when we got married in Reno almost 27 years ago by a ‘preacher’ in one of the wedding chapels. Things were fine for a while, but, I ended-up having an affair 20 years ago. It was one of those things that happened, I was not looking for another man. My husband and I were fighting a lot and I befriended a man at work. Nothing happened physically for three years. After one year of committing adultry, I realized that what I was doing was wrong. So I transferred to another city with my job. I never told my husband about this until much later after the first time he went to China to meet a woman he thought that he was in love with. To shorten this story, my Husband has gone to China six times to see four different women. He has proposed marriage to three of them, but none of them have accepted his proposal. He says that he loves me and doesn’t want to leave me and that he is confused. However, I recently found out that he has started to write to a new woman in China.

I came back to the Catholic church about six years ago, and if I hadn’t I probably would have killed myself by now. But, I know that God loves me and He has forgiven me for committing adultry. But this man lies to these women, none of them know that he is still married and they think he is 8 years younger than he is. He lies to me, his family and his friends. He has spent at least $1000 on one woman for appliances, English lessons, clothes, and cash.

Now, if I was reading this if someone else wrote it I would think that this woman is crazy, why is she still with this man? He has chronic cluster headaches (diagnosed by a neurosurgeon) and he cannot support himself right now. Before the stock market crash, I was ready to leave him, because he was bringing in enough money to support himself. But, now I am the main wage earner. We are deep in debt (over $80,000 in credit card debt).

Here is my dilemma: I am living with him as a sister because my priest said that since we were never married in the Church, we are not officially married. He said that I can live in the same house if we are living as brother and sister, but not as husband and wife. I would prefer to live alone and start a new life, but something is holding me back (notwithstanding the enormous debt that will only allow me to rent a room somewhere). I don’t know if it is the Lord or the Devil that wants me to stay. I pray each day for the wisdom to know God’s will. I go to Mass two Saturday’s each month, to try to discern the Lord’s will.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Oh yes, I almost forgot, he is also addicted to porn, but he tries to hide it from me. I kind of feel guilty since I am not having intimate relations with him, so this adds to my dilemma.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Blessings,
Sue

 

[ohioszo]

It may seem that God brought you together, some years ago, but, for the lack of what would be a sacramental marriage, the marriage is not built on the rock, the Church, and, your hearts are not in tune with God because you are lacking the grace of a sacramental marriage. Your husband, is kind of acting like a naughty brother. You haven’t said how he feels about your return to the sacraments, or, whether he wishes to, despite his proclivity to chase after women. Most would tell you to see a marriage counselor. Retrouvaille, is what the Church offers, and it has in fact just happened in our Parish, that couples got together for retreat.
Most people would think that your husband hasn’t forgiven you, and had decided to hurt you in return. I wonder if your marriage can survive all of this, for those women are people too. Have you read Graham Greene’s book called the “The Quiet American?” A man with a Vietnamese woman, and a Catholic wife back home, in England. Obviously the story is about Vietnam, when the French left and the Americans took over, but, it does have the male viewpoint. The woman in question was offered marriage, from the American in the title, who dies. I know of at least 3 men who are married to someone in China. One of the women is not allowed to immigrate, so they have problems. The other two have good university jobs. There are 2 other men, who are married to classmates, but who have jobs that take them to China for extended times. I know that they have both travelled there to be with their husbands for their vacations.

It is sad when adultery brakes up a marriage, especially if it is only one instance, or one affair. This is my opinion, and it is firm. When there are multiple affairs … perhaps he can be more permanently in China, and you in America, and give him that freedom. I won’t presume to say anything about your legal relationship, but, depending on what happens after counseling and his and your discernment of your life and your beliefs, that decision will come, with God’s help, about the sacramental marriage.

I guess I will finally say that praying the rosary, and, having others pray for you will also be of great help. Our Lady had said that a War could be mitigated or prevented with praying the rosary, so, you can imagine it and her power to help you in this situation, through her Son, also.

 

[suebeers]

Hi, thank you for writing. My husband does not want to go to a marriage counselor, nor to a priest. He calls himself Catholic, but he only goes to church if he feels like it, and then he will only go to 8:30 Mass because Mass at any other time ‘takes up his whole day’. He goes to Communion even though I think that he is in a state of Mortal sin. He does not like me talking to him about religion or faith because then he says that I’m ‘preaching’ to him. He is fine with my return to the church and although he says he is fine with me helping two elderly women, sometimes I get the feeling that he thinks I should be helping him instead of them.

I pray the rosary almost every day, sometimes twice a day. Many others pray for me daily, one woman prays a rosary for him every day. My family has never liked him, but his family has always treated me as a member of their family. I have gone to a counselor about this, but I can’t afford to go again, and going by myself is rather futile. I’m not really unhappy anymore, I have gone past that. I have a great job and wonderful friends, I want to leave him (even though I pray for him and forgive him every day). His affairs started seven months before I ever told him about mine.

I am tired of his spending money on flowers for other women and on e-mails (it costs $4 per e-mail that he sends to his girlfriends because they have to be translated) and on trips to China when we are so deep in debt that he uses one credit card to pay the minimum payment on another credit card. (We have over 10 credit cards, most of which are maxed-out.)

I have been trying to save some money from each of my paychecks so I have enough money to move out, but it will still be a while before I have enough for a deposit on an apartment. He won’t talk about a budget, probably because then it will be easier for me to see what he is spending money on. He doesn’t want me to look on his computer, at his cell phone or at the credit card bills. Even though he doesn’t want me looking at those things, I do, but when he is not around. I don’t like sneaking around, but it is the only way I can find out what he is doing.

Thanks for your advice, but reading a book (I take it that it is fiction) is not going to help me. The only books I read are the Bible and other spiritual books (i.e., books on the Popes, how to get closer to the Blessed Virgin Mary and devotion). I really don’t love him anymore and I’m getting to the point of not wanting to look at him because all I see is a liar and cheater. Maybe this is the point I have to get to in order to get the courage to leave him.

Blessings,
Sue

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**I know you said you can’t afford counseling, but would you go and just talk with your priest? They deal with many situations and he may have more guidance for you than we can offer since he will know you as a person where we only see your words… also, I know that most Catholic charities offer counseling on a sliding fee scale. I know you said it is fruitless to go alone…to help your “marriage” maybe, but it is always worth it to help yourself.

Now, if it were me in your shoes and I had a pseudo-husband trying to marry other women, racking up debt left and right, and not willing to work on the relationship, I would find any way possible to leave. I would certainly not let him spend any more of my money on his women!!!

Do you have any family or friends you could stay with temporarily until you can get an apartment?

Sick or not, i wouldn’t worry about his financial welfare… he can take care of himself. He has enough determination to try and find a Chinese wife, he can put that effort into supporting himself.
**

 

[Christy_Beth]

I agree with the above. But for one slight change. How about kicking him out and telling him to go live with one of his lady “friends”? I was also thinking of suggesting of seeing if, legally, some of the debt could be dumped on him. If he helped create those debts, then he should help pay them off.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I agree with the above. But for one slight change. How about kicking him out and telling him to go live with one of his lady “friends”?

That thought rolled around in y head, and it does seem like the best solution… but honestly, HOW do you kick someone out who refuses to go? I’m not saying the OPs man would refuse, but it seems likely. It just seems like less stress if she just removes herself from the situation and never looks back:shrug:

I was also thinking of suggesting of seeing if, legally, some of the debt could be dumped on him. If he helped create those debts, then he should help pay them off.

Good point. I do not live in the US, but aren’t there free legal advice services? It would be a good idea to talk with a lawyer before doing ANYTHING so you don’t inadvertently make things worse for yourself…

 

[Brenda_V]

Good point. I do not live in the US, but aren’t there free legal advice services? It would be a good idea to talk with a lawyer before doing ANYTHING so you don’t inadvertently make things worse for yourself…

Yes - there are free legal services here in the US. So, don’t be afraid to use them. The same with going to see your Priest.

Brenda V.

 

[kevinsgirl]

I think you are letting your guilt for your past affair make you feel that you must somehow put up with your husband’s behavior. You made mistakes and you have changed and tried to be better. He is not trying to change and quite frankly I don’t think he is going to change. Your DH is not having an affair with a woman that he is close to and has grown inappropriately attached to–these are women he doesn’t even know! And this is happening over and over again.

Honey, you deserve better than a husband who won’t work on his marriage and expects you to financially support him so he can at least emotionally keep cheating on you.

I would second what the other posters have said–you need to get some advice from a priest and you need some legal advice. A priest will tell you that you do not have a valid marriage and that it is not necessary for you to fund your husband’s serial adulteries. A lawyer will tell you to get out of a relationship that is only going to put you further and further in debt.

I’ll be praying for you!

kevinsgirl

 

[suebeers]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I have seen a priest three times and I have seen a divorce attorney four times. My main problem is getting enough money together for an apartment, and deciding if I should tell his girlfriends what a liar he is. I’m not trying to ruin his life, but I don’t want him to ruin any of theirs either.

Fortunately, in Colorado, divorce is considered ‘no fault’ and all debt is split down the middle. My attorney says that if I can prove what he has spent on other women, that amount is deducted from my side of the debt and added to his.

I can’t kick him out because the mortgage is in his name. He works from home, the only time he leaves the house is on the rare ocassions that he goes to church with me. (Or to China.) We also own a home in Utah that we tried to sell, but couldn’t, so we are renting it to two military families (the wives are sisters). Unfortunately, the rent only pays for half of the mortgage.

It seems that I just have to get out and let the chips fall where they may. My family membrers all live in other states, and even though his parents would probably let me live with them, I don’t want to make them choose sides. They have been very good to me.

Maybe I am letting my 20-year old affair make me feel guilty. The whole reason this is happening is because we never had any children, and he says that God wants him to have a child (although he would not even discuss adopting). Satan has a firm grip on him, and I keep praying that he will change, like I did.

May God bless you all for taking the time to write to me.

Blessings,
Sue