I'm so lost and sad

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chrisf

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I honestly have no clue where to put this. I’m not Catholic. I don’t know what I am since what I believe seems to change depending on the day. I was born into and raised as a Jehovah’s Witness but I learned the truth about them a few years ago. I will say that even though not everyone comes away from that religion scarred (mentally and/or physically), a lot do. Including me. They also make it very hard to believe in anything after them since one of there jobs is to tear down other religions. Also being so isolated my whole life made it where I don’t have friends to talk to.

I do have bipolar, PTSD and a severe anxiety disorder which also doesn’t help things. But what really killed me recently was the loss of my dad in April… I love my dad so much, he was always there for me even with my problems and now he’s gone. I was furious leading up to and after he passed. My dad had health problems, including newly discovered cancer in his liver. But the whole story of that is fairly long and I don’t feel up to telling it all right now.

My dad loved talking and he was always positive (compared to my negative nature) My dad still loved and believed in God even after he woke up to the truth about JW’s (I would say he became even closer to God after that) To see my dad struggle to talk and be so weak ripped my heart out. I prayed so hard and asked others to pray for my dad. At least let him talk to me one more time…But it didn’t happen. I was angry at God for how everything played out with my dad, why couldn’t He grant that one thing to let my dad talk to me like he normally would one last time? I still get angry at times.

I don’t know what to even believe and it hurts. My mind is torn in so many directions… I now live with my Aunt and her family (due to my disabilities, it’s not wise for me to live on my own) Her family and her are Jehovah’s Witnesses but thankfully they are fairly lax (although I still wish I could wake them up from it since I know that JW’s are false) But it does make it hard to be around that. Especially since I do like looking into Christian Religions. I sometimes want to talk to them about the bible (things that don’t add up if you are a JW)

For example, the whole Jesus being Michael the Archangel doesn’t add up. I would love to show my aunt and her family that the JW’s just aren’t the truth. I always chicken out and get scared that they will get mad and kick me out (even though it is my dad’s money and mine that is helping them right now)

I’m really sorry this is kind of all over the place. My mind is kind of scattered and I just feel so sad and lost right now. I want my dad so bad since I always could talk to him no matter what. I miss him so much… I don’t even want to be alive at times. I’m not even sure why I posted this but I felt like I should. I’m sorry if I’m rambling.
 
That’s… just heartbreaking.

But at least you haven’t lost belief in God. And if your father was always seeking to come closer to God, and lived a good, moral, life, I would say there’s a good chance that he slipped into purgatory.

If you are searching for info about the fallacies of the JWs, then this is a good link (to a general search on Catholic Answers for info about JWs and how to talk to them):


Don’t give up. I understand the situation with your family- it can be hard to know that close family is harboring misconceptions, but that trying to correct said misconceptions could cause major tensions.
You could try finding a good therapist to talk to, or a priest (I recommend a Catholic one) if you would feel more comfortable with a religious figure.

I will pray for both your mental health and your search for God’s voice.
 
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First off I want to offer my condolences on the loss of your dad. From what you described, it sounded like the situation was very difficult, especially with your father losing his ability to speak.

It’s true that many former witnesses leave religion altogether due to their experiences within the society. I’m glad that you and your father were able to break away and yet still have faith in God.

It’s understandable that you want to help your relatives see the truth about the society’s doctrines, but given your situation it might be better if you take a different approach.

Coming at them with the intent of showing them that they are being deceived could put them on the defensive. Which in turn may cause them to become more devout, especially if they feel they are being attacked.

Unless you have another alternative to staying with them, you may just have to accept the fact that now is not the right time to engage in a debate. Instead focus on yourself and take care of your own wellbeing so that you can find peace and comfort while you sort things out.
 
Loosing my dad was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I also lost my mom in 2011 and I that was one of the hardest things I’ve also gone through. My mom was a devout JW. I loved my mom so much. She could be abusive at times but I will always always love her. My mom and dad were actually my grandparents. But they adopted me when my biological mother couldn’t take care of me. I was with my mom and dad basically from the day I was born. I turned 32 in July.

And yes, that’s one of the reasons I hesitate in trying to wake up my aunt and her family. JW’s have a severe persecution complex at times and sometimes trying to wake them up can push them in further so I just hope that maybe something will happen to wake them up gently. They know that I have no interest in ever being a JW again. Since I didn’t get baptized, they have no real basis to shun me. I was very close to being baptized though. I was in the middle of doing the baptismal questions (of which there are many!) But something made me feel something was wrong.

But anyway, thank you as well for you kindness. My brain has a hard time sorting things at times, so I apologize again if anything I type is a bit rambly or scattered.
 
Remember God is our Father too. God’s calling your father to be in Heaven with Him may also be a calling for you to come into a closer relationship with God.

As Catholics, we believe you can still pray for your dad and ask for his intercession on your behalf during this difficult time. I hope you all the best and am praying for you.

God bless.
 
@chrisf

Welcome to CAF, chrisf! The Catholic Church is a hospital, so to speak, for the hurting, the heartbroken, those who need healing, and especially sinners. It’s our Catholic faith that gets us through the tough times, and helps us pick up the pieces of our lives when they’re shattered. It’s Christ who keeps forgiving us, wiping our souls clean so that we can start anew. I’m so glad that you’ve turned to us in your sorrow and quest for information. 😇 You can talk to us 24/7!

Unfortunately, since Adam’s fall, we must all sometimes endure the heartbreaking pain of losing our loved ones to death. As time ever so slowly passes, it does get better, as you know, but it’s the getting there that shreds us to pieces. I join other CAFers in saying that I’m very sorry for your loss and will pray for you.

We’ll be your cheerleaders, urging you to keep on keeping on, suggesting ways to help you heal and move confidently forward, but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, you’re the one who must do the heavy lifting. Of course, it’s important to get plenty of sleep and avoid junk foods, but the nourishment of your soul is what will help ease your mind and breaking heart, and is what will give you the courage that you need. You can best honor your beloved parents by becoming the best person you can be, because you know that they wanted you to be happy.

Please call a Catholic Church near you and arrange for an appointment with a priest. He’ll help you outline a path out of your current darkness. When you meet with him, you’ll have so many things to talk about, but try to remember to ask him about adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. I think you would find it very comforting to sit or kneel in the presence of Our Lord.

Best wishes to you, chrisf. May you feel the comfort of Jesus and His Blessed Mother Mary. 😇 Please keep us posted! 😀
 
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Praying for you, chrisf , that God will lead you to His truth in the Lord Jesus Christ.
 
Wow, you are going through so much. I’m so sorry.

I guess what you can do is to find a book of the Psalms and hang out there. Since it is the basis of the Liturgy of the Hours, it is the only book of the Bible that is prayed continuously all day long, around the world. It is our repository of emotionally-open cries to God. They end in hope–which I think someone recently called the most neglected of the three theological virtues–but many are very open about feeling disheartened, discouraged, abandoned and upset. They can be very helpful in telling God you’re upset without feeling that you’re a bad or ungrateful servant for doing so. In a way, they give you someone ancient and wise and trusted to pray your heartache with.

It is not hard to get a book that combines the Gospels and the Psalms. Find one of those–many are the size that would easily fit into a purse–and just spend time with that for the time being.

I’m going to assume that you are already getting what help you can with regards to managing your health challenges, including the psychological side. The other thing you might try is to manage your thinking as best as you can on your own with cognitive behavioral therapy, which allows you to self-correct the direction of your own thoughts so that you can use your thoughts to raise you up instead of wearing yourself down. That’s very important to someone who is left in their own thoughts so much as you probably are. I do not have this book, but I’ve been told it is a good self-help resource: Cognitive behavioral therapy made simple : 10 strategies for managing anxiety, depression, anger, panic, and worry by Seth J. Gillihan, PhD (2018).
 
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chrisf said:
My brain has a hard time sorting things at times, so I apologize again if anything I type is a bit rambly or scattered.
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This is a normal part of going through grief. Even with a pre-existing problem in this area, it can get better and it is likely to get better. It isn’t a matter of one’s ability to cope and function always getting worse and staying that way forever, even though that is naturally the fear when you’re going through it.

The good truth is that we can actually come out in a better place from bad times, rather than a worse one. This is the message of the Catholic crucifix, which depicts Our Lord on the Cross: He is with you!! He shows the way through the torments of enduring evil, a way of faith by which life ultimately has the permanent victory. We don’t depict an empty cross not because we don’t believe in the Resurrection but because we have Christ here to suffer with us as we each go through our passions, our suffering united with His so that our suffering may not be all torment and no victory. Without the Passion of Christ, suffering is pointless. He doesn’t make that evil a good thing, but by God’s grace, we can receive grace by uniting ourselves with God when we suffer.

Christ’s torment, trial, conviction and execution is called his Passion because it is the part of His life on earth when He was not directly in control of what happened to Him. He submitted to being put in the passive position, He accepting being “done to.” It has often been said that He accomplished more for the human race in those three days than in the three years of his active mission.

When you get that book of the Psalms and the Gospels, look at Our Lord’s Passion. Know that He is there to be with you in your own passion, too.
 
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Thank you very much. I’ll make sure to look at psalms and to check out the book you suggested.
 
chrisf said:
Thank you very much. I’ll make sure to look at psalms and to check out the book you suggested.
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The psychology book may be old hat if you’ve been in therapy, but many libraries have it.
There is no getting to the bottom of the Gospels and the Psalms. Pope Francis has oftened encouraged Catholics to get a book like that and read from it every day, especially the Gospels.

May God bless you and always be with you!
 
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chrisf said:
I’m really sorry this is kind of all over the place.
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Most understandable, my friend. I have many things in common with your post. I was a member of a very strict cult-like church, not unlike the Watch Tower Society in many ways. I too have had issues with mental health as you described. I suspect the main difference is that I am 62 while you sound much younger. So the good news is that all these things which keep you from much peace of mind will sort themselves out and pass along in their own time.

Be patient, exceedingly so. This will take practice but it’s for our good, always remember that. God doesn’t give us patience with the snap of a finger, we have to work for it. This is your assignment right now. There is no deadline. 🙂

I would suggest making a list of the things you would like to work toward and order them in a priority you can manage. I would strongly advise against confronting any other family members over the “truth” you have discovered. They will have to discover that for themselves, and while you may well be a catalyst for that, now is not the time. They will likely react more strongly than you are prepared for.

Stick around here and ask all the questions you like. There is no such thing as a dumb question when we are seeking a stronger walk with God. Blessings to you. 🙂
 
So sorry!

The old ideas of taking a year to grieve, I think is a good idea. Let all these other things sit on the back burner for a few more months.

I too have relatives that are stuck in a religion that doesn’t add up. My mom especially, sometimes I just want to ask her, what the heck mom? But those are her cherished beliefs. Instead I help her out as I can, especially since she is alone now and not doing so well. Maybe you can take a similar approach with your family?

God bless you today and always.
 
Thank you to everyone. And as for my mental illnesses, they haven’t found a medicine that can help me yet. I either have a reaction, or it does nothing (something that seems to run in my family since my cousin is the same way as was my grandmother and a couple other relatives that I don’t really know but was told about) And I’m not keen on therapy since I’ve had problems in the past with therapists (I’m not fond of the medical field in general because of things that have happened that I won’t go into now) Thank you all again.
 
I prayed a rosary for you to find peace and healing.
God Bless

I’ve also included you on our perpetual rosary
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Let's Pray a Perpetual Rosary Spirituality
for @chrisf’s intention I'm so lost and sad HAIL MARY, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen. 7th Hail Mary ~ Joyful 5
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chrisf said:
I want my dad so bad since I always could talk to him no matter what. I miss him so much… I don’t even want to be alive at times. I’m not even sure why I posted this but I felt like I should. I’m sorry if I’m rambling.
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Just an idea … You can still talk to him now. (Hey you ARE on a Catholic forum 🙂) Not as in worshipping him. Just talk to your dad.

I cannot tell you where he is now currently, but if you believe he is in a better place then please remember that.

Life doesn’t end when we die. Maybe he’s looking forward to see you again.
 
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