I'm soooo angry!!

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Paris_Blues

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For the last few days or so, I’ve been quite angry at God for letting me suffer with attention deficit disorder, anxieties and anger problems as well as a learning disability. I know some of you think I am not that kind of person but I’m being extremely t otally honest with you all here!

First of all, I feel like my brain is like so dumb and I can’t seem to function great in this “business” world. Well, I can but I struggle like hell. Why the heck would God let me struggle with this? My brain is so limited.

Second, I have a reading comprehension problem as well so how the heck can I understand the CCC or the Bible itself if I don’t know how to comprehend what I’m reading? Well, I wll say that I can read but it’s at a lower level and more like I need to have “lames terms”! It stinks, it really does!

Third, I can’t seem to concentrate or focus praying due to my dumb brain not being able to focus on meditating, praying, etc. like I have to struggle at it and then when I finally get the prayer out, it doesn’t mean a thing anymore. As if I was praying in vain because my mind is focused only on me trying to focus to pray, does that make sense?

I was diagnosed with all these problems at least 10 or so years ago and have been in hell suffering with them up 'till now.

I am so angry! I wish I was dead, I really do! And I REALLY HATE to say this but in my situation, life is a CURSE when you go through what I go through. It ain’t a blessing! But that’s how I feel. You guys really have no idea of terrible this is.

Now I know some people say well, offer it up! I did and it didn’t do anything, no peace, no nothing. I am too angry to even offer it up! Some of you guys obviously don’t know me but I can get extremely angry…so angry that I cuss when I’m praying! Like, Lord why the heck are you letting me suffer this cra p? that’s how angry I am!

I also can’t help but think the devil is at it again. You know, like tempting me with evil, impure thoughts that no one else would think, etc.

If anyone else here on this forum is going through something very similar, I would like to know how they deal with it.

Some of you on this forum will think that I’m going overboard with this but I just can’t seem to deal with it anymore!

Could you guys help me in trying to deal with this because I’m going to have it for the rest of my life (which causes me more dread!)?

Also, what does the CC teach about being dumb? :rolleyes:
 
Everybody struggles during prayer/meditation–some more than others.

That being said, your best course of action would be to find a good Catholic therapist. Therapy can do wonders! 🙂

Peace and blessings,
Mickey
 
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Mickey:
Everybody struggles during prayer/meditation–some more than others.

That being said, your best course of action would be to find a good Catholic therapist. Therapy can do wonders! 🙂

Peace and blessings,
Mickey
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Haha, that’s easy for you to say!
:rolleyes:

Remind me to laugh later…
 
Paris Blues:
Third, I can’t seem to concentrate or focus praying due to my dumb brain not being able to focus on meditating, praying, etc. like I have to struggle at it and then when I finally get the prayer out, it doesn’t mean a thing anymore. As if I was praying in vain because my mind is focused only on me trying to focus to pray, does that make sense?
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Maybe the words of Bro. Anthony will help you.

Often we may feel frustrated because we cannot remember what we have read during lectio. Perhaps you’ve had the experience of wanting to tell someone of a great book you are reading but cannot even remember the title or author much less what it is you just read. This may lead you to believe that you are getting nowhere with lectio, that nothing is happening, that you can’t even remember what you read. But don’t be deceived. I would like to suggest that lectio is very much like eating. Why do we eat good meals a couple of times a day? To sustain life, to promote health. But what if I can’t remember what I ate? How many can remember what they had for dinner three days ago? If we can’t remember do we stop eating for all that? Of course not! We don’t eat to remember but to nourish our bodies. So too with lectio. We do not read to remember but to give life to our spirit. In the course of faithful lectio my inner being is nourished by the Word of God and slowly transformed by it. Attitudinal changes subltly occur. Perceptions change, priorities change. Slowly but surely I become more Christ-like. When we eat food we change that food into ourselves-in a sense we become what we eat. When we do lectio we are transformed into what we read - in sense we become what we read. ~ Bro. Anthony~
 
Paris Blues:
Haha, that’s easy for you to say!
:rolleyes:

Remind me to laugh later…
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It wasn’t meant to be funny, Paris. I know many people with similar difficulties who have benefited greatly with therapy.
 
well, i don’t …

but, my son does… he is developmentally handicapped, much
more than you seem to be… he can read at about a 12 year
old level. ( he is 25 )… he has lots of trouble understanding the
bible, and gets very confused… plus, he goes to a protestant
church, and i have converted… so sometimes he hears things
about the Catholic church that scares him for me…
(( things that of course, aren’t true ))

but, he has faith… i only wish my own faith was as strong as
his… so, understanding is wonderful, but giving yourself over
to faith, is much more so…

have faith… everything will come to you…

🙂
 
Paris Blues:
Haha, that’s easy for you to say!
:rolleyes:

Remind me to laugh later…
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I don’t think he was kidding. Maybe you could benefit from that. You have ADD right? That’s something that therapists could help with. And a Catholic therapist could guide you in your reading and help you break stuff down to understand it better. So you will be less angry and frustrated. Just a thought.

But if I am totally missing your point, sorry. :o
 
Paris,

This may come as a shock but have you ever considered that “offering it up” does NOT mean that we will have instant peace…i.e. not suffer anymore? If anyone knows about suffering it is God. Look to the cross and see how He suffered for us. I know it is so much easier said than done…but try to think that God may be allowing this to happen for YOU. BECAUSE He loves you! ??? What?? Because He loves me? The Christian life IS suffering…why? Because it brings us closer to God and His Suffering Son. All of us suffer in some way or another. For myself, my sufferings have not been debilitating diseases or problems…but it has been the following…not being able to put food on the table for my baby…going days without electricity…a drug addicted father-in-law…losing family members to horrible violence…leaving the Church because I thought I knew better…despairing and thinking that God no longer cared and He did not love me. What I did not realize is that God lets us suffer because it brings us to Him!

Go to confession every single week. Daily if you can. Receive the Sacraments weekly…if not daily. Our Lord will help you to persevere. Life is not easy…if anyone knows that our Lord and His Mother do. The Sacraments will give you the strength to make it through each and every day.

And, remember, Heaven sees your sufferings and does not ignore them.
 
Paris Blues:
I don’t think you guys get my point…
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What is your point then? They’re just trying to help.

By the way, face masks rock. Give 'em a whirl. 😃
 
Paris Blues:
I am so angry!
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Do not befoul your intellect by clinging to thoughts filled with anger and sensual desire. Otherwise you will lose your capacity for pure prayer and fall victim to the demon of listlessness.
St. Maximos the Confessor

If you want to pray properly, do not let yourself be upset or you will run in vain.
Abba Nilus

Prayer is the flower of gentleness and freedom from anger
Evagrios the Solitary

The first step toward freedom from anger is to keep the lips silent when the heart is stirred; the next, to keep thoughts silent when the soul is upset; the last, to be totally calm when unclean winds are blowing.
St. John Climacus
 
Paris,

OOPS! I TOTALLY did not realize you have not been received into the Church yet! Beleive me, once you start receiving the Sacraments they will help you to overcome these feelings. Until then, every Sunday in Mass ask our Lord to allow you to make a spiritual communion and that His Grace be given to you.

God bless you!!!
 
Paris, as a person who struggles with the same issues as you described let me offer you what God has led me to so that maybe you could have some peace about your setbacks. I have dyslexia that affects my comprehension and the way I talk/type out words. It is sooooooo frustrating and I am right there with ya on the frustration of not being able to understand as quickly as those around me. I do not learn by just reading something but by discussing it (as I do here) or doing it (as I do in the real world).

Please remember that it’s not that God allows you to have these roadblocks so that He can watch you suffer but that this may make you stronger and a brighter testament to those around you who struggle with the same stuff. This is what God is showing me right now. I also struggle with depression and have times where God and I have walked through some scary infernos but through that I have been able to talk to others with the same feelings and issues and help them see God’s love. He walks right beside you in your times of frustration and He carries you when neccessary. I would suggest that you find a bible study in your church and attend that so that you can physically and actively participate in the discussion. It could be a way around your comprehension issue. Don’t be afraid to ask a question. Those on here will be happy to answer any questions you have. They also have the bible on audio on the internet at www.biblegateway.com you can go there and listen to the bible online for free and that can help with the reading. PM me if you need to talk… I will keep you in my prayers. 🙂 Also…
I wish I was dead, I really do!
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I take statements like this VERY seriously because I know sometimes it can be VERY true. If you mean this please seek out someone you trust to talk to… We all love you Paris!
 
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Singinbeauty:
Paris, as a person who struggles with the same issues as you described let me offer you what God has led me to so that maybe you could have some peace about your setbacks. I have dyslexia that affects my comprehension and the way I talk/type out words. It is sooooooo frustrating and I am right there with ya on the frustration of not being able to understand as quickly as those around me. I do not learn by just reading something but by discussing it (as I do here) or doing it (as I do in the real world).

Please remember that it’s not that God allows you to have these roadblocks so that He can watch you suffer but that this may make you stronger and a brighter testament to those around you who struggle with the same stuff. This is what God is showing me right now. I also struggle with depression and have times where God and I have walked through some scary infernos but through that I have been able to talk to others with the same feelings and issues and help them see God’s love. He walks right beside you in your times of frustration and He carries you when neccessary. I would suggest that you find a bible study in your church and attend that so that you can physically and actively participate in the discussion. It could be a way around your comprehension issue. Don’t be afraid to ask a question. Those on here will be happy to answer any questions you have. They also have the bible on audio on the internet at www.biblegateway.com you can go there and listen to the bible online for free and that can help with the reading. PM me if you need to talk… I will keep you in my prayers. 🙂 Also…

I take statements like this VERY seriously because I know sometimes it can be VERY true. If you mean this please seek out someone you trust to talk to… We all love you Paris!
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Hi Singinbeauty,

I just wanted to say I love your posts throughout this whole forum. I think it was you who said you are not Catholic but think like a Catholic? That’s WHAT brought me to the Church!
👍

Well now that I’ve calmed down a little and read what people are posting, I guess I can say I have a tiny bit of peace within me for now. But before, oh my gosh, I was full of hate against myself and almost God, not that I wanted to hate or anything, it was just so frustrating that it makes you hateful in a way if you know what I mean.

I guess I get so frustrated and angry because well, right now I’m a college student and my limits to understanding stuff, oh boy, it’s like reading a foreign language! I get mad because I NEED TO KNOW and understand the material I’m reading because it’s the only way to get an education for crying out loud! 😛 I’m sure you know how frustrating it is to not understand something when you NEED to know it! I pray, “Lord, I don’t understand this!” but what’s He going to do?

Suffering with this for this long has made me become a bitter and kinda hateful person though I would like to change!

I know I shouldn’t say “I wish I was dead!” but that’s how I FEEL like sometimes. I truly don’t wish that because I KNOW God has a plan for me though I can’t see it right now but I guess I’m going to keep trusting in Him?
 
When I get as angry as you describe here, and start spouting off to god, I usually get reminded that I’m pretty lucky to 1) be blessed enough to know there is a god, 2) have enough mental capacity to get angry

YUP! Even the ability to feel and express anger is a gift

Sometimes, shifting into that perspective helps me feel a bit better.

Other times I read the book of Jonah and commiserate with him while he curses over the plant. I understand Jonah, he is just like me, so I guess there is hope that the divine can use me too.

cheddar
 
paris, apart from what everybody has told you in the thread (which is all true) keep in mind that irritability is a symptom of anxiety.

i smiled when i read your first post because you could have been talking about me about a year ago before I went to a psychiatrist. I used to get so mad at God i’d spend hours cursing Him and then begging for help. It was all very confusing.
Now I’ve got help for the source of the problem (anxiety and depression) and I can afford to look back and apologise for what I did in those dark days.

But in all fairness, you’re not entirely to blame for what you feel so dont feel bad about it if you know what i mean.

I was prescribed deanxit and it worked like a charm. Its a long road but you’ll get there in the end.

God bless!
 
However, I SHOULD and NEED to be thankful that God has blessed me big time with the wonderful gift of illustration! 😛 😛 😛
 
Paris Blues:
Well, I don’t have the time or money for it.
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Well, you want frankness, you need frankness, so I’ll offer frankness.

This statement of yours: " I don’t have the time or money for it."

Really says: “I’d rather be angry and blame God and everyone else than find a solution”.

Because the truth of the matter is you don’t have to endure all the symptoms of your condition. You choose to by rejecting the treatment which is available to you.

You have ADD - so do millions of other people…there is medication available and it doesn’t cost hundreds of dollars.

You have a learning disability affecting your reading comprehension - so do millions of other people.
You don’t have to read the bible or prayers or anything else these days - they’re available on tape. There are talks explaining scripture for teens if that level of comprehension is better suited for your abilities (meaning they don’t use those hugh techinical terms and concepts - they tell it like it is in plain english).

As for making a living - well obviously you don’t have to pursue a job in a library or bookstore or any other place which requires a lot of reading or technical training.

My kids have ADD. They have learned to live with their condition and they’ve known for years that they have to find career paths which is suited to the ADD personality - there are many out there. My daughter is into theater and singing and writing. My son is into psychology and movie making, directing, writing pieces for newspapers. These are fields which are not 9 to 5 sitting in a cubicle doing the same thing over and over againg. They are jobs which require creative burts of energy and thinking, perfect for their abilities (not disabilities). Speaking to any community college learning disabilities counselor will help you find out what type of job is best suited for the skills and abilities you have to offer.

As for the anger, my son, at one time swore up a storm during Eucharistic adoration he was sooooooo angry (this is at age 16). He did not hold back in his choice or words and he directed them at that host on display. It scared the dickens out of me and his sister because he rarely loses his temper and being in the presence of God, we didn’t know where this anger was coming from. (We frantically got on our knees and started praying the rosary and continued until well after he settled down). But God was with him through the tantrum. It wasn’t for me to understand. It was for him and God to work out.

A couple of months later my son “experienced an epiphany”, using his own words, not mine - and he has been calmer, more focused, has been off his ADD and depression medication for months and is doing ok. All with the support of his regular doctor and his therapist, though…not on his own.

We believe that tantrum - that sheer anger, hate, frustration he couldn’t contain anymore - was allowed to be released at that precise moment in the Presence of Christ for a purpose. He emptied himself that night and that made more room for God.

If you really want your anxiety, depression, anger, troubles to end then you MAKE the time, FIND the clinics to take on your case on a sliding scale, to GET THE HELP YOU NEED.

You are asking people here to invest time and energy coming up with things to say to help you feel better about yourself but you aren’t doing what it takes to help yourself. That’s not a reasonable expectation.

God has given you the support you need to live His life with the conditions you have, but you have to access and rely on that support system. You start with a good therapist and a good career counselor and your priest and your family and friends.
 
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